AIBU getting frustrated with adults self diagnosing with ADHD?

[Ags888]

To start I'll explain why I'm probably taking it too personally - I'm 90% certain my dad and my brother have undiagnosed ADHD - My dad is kind of a wreck in personal life, but his work is extremely restrictive and there's no chance for distractions so he's surviving, plus my mum is an angel. My brother is not able to complete any tasks, cannot hold any job, but also is quite spoiled and isn't really trying. I know it's genetic and in the past I thought about it in myself - I failed a lot in my early life, but from about age 25 I learnt that if I adjust/restrict my life I am able to achieve things. I never thought about using it as an excuse, rather feel embarrased that it took me 25 years to figure out how to discipline myself.

In last 1-2 years I noticed a lot of women in both my and my partner's circles, in their 30thies, bring up that they think they have ADHD, or are in a process of getting a diagnosis. some time ago I was at a dinner where all 3 women present were talking about their ADHD struggles as starting a lot of projects and not finishing any, or uncontrollabyly spending. I felt uncomfortable and felt like saying "isn't it like that for everyone? finishing projects and budgeting is not easy, just something you need to learn" but I didn't want to be impolite.

Some of them openly say that getting the diagnosis will translate to benefits at work/other responsibilities, or getting PIP.

I have one friend who got diagnosed recently, but in her case I believe it's legit, she cannot hold a job, gets hyperfocused on thing's she's interested in but everyday life is a struggle. Most important she is pushing herself to improve but is still struggling.

For all the rest the idea of ADHD diagnosis feels like it came out of nowhere. granted, not everyone me or my partner have known for 10-20 years, but good chunk. Those women are having careers/jobs, not wrecking their lives with debt, they have friends/relationships, they are not unrealible to the point people just abandon them (Like my brother or friend)

Is it just mine circles that have this sudden surge in ADHD talks? I do't use social media much but I think I saw a lot of it there too. It frustrates me because it feels like it's taking away from the life wrecking experiences of people I know.

I understand it's most likely a spectrum, and not everyone's struggles are visible, but I'm baffled with how almost every woman I know claims it.

On the surface my life is normal. But it's not it's utter fucking chaos. Unopened post piles up because I can't deal with it. Dishes pile up in the kitchen for days and then I hyperfocus on them and go on a mad housework spree. I manage to muddle through at work and have people think I'm good at what I do because I'm really fucking good at doing my actual work, but I am utterly chaotic in organising and prioritising it.

Also, just because someone is less affected than your family members (who I am frustrated you have self-diagnosed, btw), doesn't mean they are not affected. It's the same with any physical illness. Some people have covid mildly, others are seriously ill with it. It's all covid.

This is what I took from the post. My family member with an ADHD diagnosis definitely made friends with mostly people like him so lots of them have an ADHD diagnosis or suspect they have it. My DS has ASD and definitely gravitates to children like him!

What do you suppose a 'label' does if not help a person to identify the cause and explanation for their difficulties and help them work out the mechanisms to deal with it?

What do you suppose a 'label' does if not help a person to identify the cause and explanation for their difficulties and help them work out the mechanisms to deal with it?

I remember being really frustrated with some of my friends talking about autism and the dyslexia/dyspraxia and just not getting how that's different to the way anyone lives..

roll on a few years later I was diagnosed with dyspraxia and have been on a waiting list for an autism assessment for several years - my son is also on the ASD pathway. I find many of my friends are neurodiverse in some ways, as they are the people who get me/I get them...

Yanbu. Funny how the rise of the smart phone coincides with a rash of people claiming they can’t concentrate on things.

Yeah, good luck with them getting PIP, the criteria is actually quite difficult and you have to demonstrate that you need daily assistance with mobility, dressing, washing, preparing food. We looked into it for Dd who is quite poorly with physical conditions and I don’t even think she’d get it because she can wash/dress herself (but can’t walk very far, stand up for long, carry anything and can’t work). I think you’d need to be very affected by adhd to get PIP.

I think people see the ADHD symptoms of struggling to concentrate, disorganised, struggling to sit still etc an assume if a person has any of these then it's ADHD. The thing is every person will have these "symptoms" sometimes. They are perfectly normal things to feel in some circumstances.

My daughter has ADHD. It impacts on every aspect of family life. She doesn't sleep (literally sometimes no sleep for 2 days straight), she's on a reduced timetable because school is too overwhelming, she struggles to have and keep any friends etc etc.

It does baffle me why some people seem to actively want this label. ADHD is a truly debilitating condition and apart from medication there is really absolutely no proper help or support out there. It's extremely difficult.

Well at the age of 39 i have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.
ADHD in women had become more understood over the last few years and so more women are being diagnosed its as simple as that. I have struggled hugely over the years with mental health/jobs/relationships and basic tasks being overwhelming to name a few things and to now know that there was a reason such basic things seemed difficult to me and why anxiety meds didnt work is such a relief. I have had a meeting at work where they have discussed supporting me but to be honest just an understanding that things are more difficult for me ie my memory is not as good as everyone else etc is enough. I am not asking for special treatment and certainly wont be applying for PIP.

I am on medication and after an initial uncertainty an on a level which seems to work for me. i am more focussed and am finding things easier in the office.

I don't think it is anyone's place to judge, if you don't self diagnose initially then you would never get a diagnosis as its not something a doctor would randomly suggest to you in adulthood. As a child parents/teachers would notice hyperactivity hence a diagnosis but ADHD presents differently in women and is more innatentive and impulsive and this wasnt understood back then.

'AIBU getting frustrated with adults self diagnosing with ADHD?'

'I'm 90% certain my dad and my brother have undiagnosed ADHD'

You've literally just done the thing your frustrated at others for doing.

This just shows you have absolutely no clue about ADHD and how hard it can be to 1, live with it ( or live with someone with it ) and 2, How many people are actually neuro diverse.

You know exactly why it’s a problem, because it’s WOMEN addressing their mental health. Of course it means they are attention seeking or exaggerating. 🙄

Think how many girls have fallen through the cracks and just about coped in an education system that doesn’t suit the way their brain works but because the symptoms of ADHD that girls have weren’t recognised when they were kids they had to just put up with being made to feel inadequate, wrong all the time, dizzy, scatterbrained, daydreamers, and potentially had worse outcomes in life, self medicating with alcohol/drugs/addictions, and finally breaking down in their thirties I guess when kids came along and their coping mechanisms just couldn’t manage the additional load motherhood brings…no wonder so many women are suddenly questioning whether they’ve been failed by a sexist institution that didn’t even acknowledge girls could have ADHD or autism because…what they were socialised to smile, sit still or make eye contact?

I don’t want the same for my daughters. And I genuinely believe my mother and father have ADHD but will never accept it but it’s why mum is an alcoholic and dad is completely chaotic and our childhood so dysfunctional (albeit loving!) God knows where that leaves us as their children.

If haven't been there form childhood women in 30s could be peri menopausal with brain fog, memory issues etc

2 hours in and my bingo card is filling up nicely.

Ignorant ND bashing thread, nothing new. There are at least a couple every week, admittedly more usually focussed on ASD but I guess they like to mix it up a bit.

The irony and stupidity of OP for complaining about self diagnosis and then diagnosing her own family though, that’s a new one. 😂😂😂 Thanks for the laugh.

I don't think that me saying that my dad or brother probably have it is the same as self diagnosis.

Only difference I see is that those who are seeking a diagnosis for themselves have a more in depth knowledge of their own brain and the issues that are causing them to question if they have ADHD than you have of your dad's or brother's.

☝

this. All of this.

All you wankers who think it’s a fad and people who appear to have their shit together but also have or think they have ADHD are lying for attention can fuck off quite frankly. Women are hugely under diagnosed and finding out that the reason you struggle so much is because you are ND is difficult enough to deal with without feeling you have to “prove it”. Imposter syndrome is already enough of an issue.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with adhd and I woke up to the possibility of it through social media. Before that I just thought I was a weirdo who struggled with almost every aspect of every day life. I hope every single woman and girl who suspects they might have it gets the chance to pursue a diagnosis and treatment and fuck anyone who disagrees

It’s not a label it’s a diagnosis. Without a diagnosis you can’t get medication.

I can’t decide if YABU or not. ADHD behaviour is normal behaviour that presents to extent that it restricts the persons ability to function on a day to day basis. So yes, everyone can probably identify traits in themselves and there will be a spectrum.

ADHD presents very differently in women to men and it is under diagnosed and misdiagnosed. It is just as prevalent in woman as it is in men but for every 4 males being diagnosed only 1 female is. There is now a consensus among psychiatrists that if there is a known family history in men, assume ADHD in the woman. I think growing awareness is a good thing.

Woman with ADHD, who are not diagnosed, will internalise the issues, believe there is something wrong with them. They are brilliant at masking and overcompensating. Being a perfectionist is common in woman with ADHD. It may present as anxiety or low self esteem, not necessarily chaotic and not keeping down a job. So what you’re seeing in your friends isn’t necessarily a true representation of how they affected. A diagnosis is important because ADHD can be under control (discipline is important) but there are certain known areas that create a crisis for woman with ADHD, one being menopause, because the affect of oestrogen on symptoms.

I mean this kindly, with your history you may well have it. And if you aren’t open to exploring that and you just want to put it down to you not being disciplined enough (classic ADHD) that is absolutely fine. But you will be annoyed by people who are happy to explore it. Because it’s a subject you have shut down in yourself. So I’ve decided YABU but it’s an understandable YABU.

YABU.

The surge in diagnoses in adults is because:

• 2-5% of people likely have ADHD but most are undiagnosed
• when 30+ year olds were children, ADHD was not recognised/commonly known
• there was a surge of child diagnoses starting around 10-15 years ago. Initially it was still thought of as a child problem only
• more recently, it's recognised to persist into adulthood
• partly this is down to a lot of parents of children with a diagnosis suddenly re-evaluate their own difficulties and realise they have the same (there is a very strong genetic correlation)

And finally, YES everyone suffers occasionally with adhd type symptoms (forgetfulness, difficulties planning etc) but the point is that if you had adhd, these things rule your life. It's just like saying 'everyone gets sad sometimes, so depression is not a real thing' 🙄

And yes of course some people will be genuinely neurotypical, and self diagnose adhd (same with ocd, dyslexia etc), but real diagnosis will weed these out.

YABU. Direct your frustration at the broken NHS which means many have no choice but to self-diagnose because they can't get an NHS assessment and can't afford a private one.

This.

It is undoubtedly over (self) diagnosed, partly because modern life intensifies issues in people who might have some traits but without the distractions of mobile phones, the pressure of being constantly online, crappy western diets and lack of exercise, wouldn't have meet a full diagnosis.

But you're part of the problem in both self diagnosing AND then in judging others.

HTH

You don't know what other people's lives are like. Mine looks ok but it has been chaos ever since I can remember. Always forgetting homework. Fidgety and daydreaming. Being the odd one with my strange obsessions. Zoning out of conversations, even important ones. Self harm. No self esteem. People pleasing. Losing all my a level subject notes. Doing badly at my degree because I simply couldn't organise myself to study. Dangerous impulsive behaviour - going home with strange men for kicks, risky sex. Bulimia. Drinking too much. Aching loneliness. Crippling debt. Feeling like I'm drowning at work. I'm obese because i eat for entertainment. House only ever barely clean enough- I deliberately invite people over so I'm motivated to clean up. Being consistent with the DC - Homework, reading, spellings, teeth, hair, medications - exhausts me to the point I have almost nothing left to give.

I won't be seeking an official adhd diagnosis but I am wrong on every level, l am absolutely shit at life but unless you knew me really well, you would never guess.

YANBU. Ten years ago you never heard of it.

Are younger people fucking up their attention spans and focus thanks to too much time online?

That's something I never see discussed.

I remember one of the big four tennis players theorising that younger player simply haven't got the focus to beat him, because they've ruined their concentration abilities with smartphones.

So you can diagnose your family members but others can’t? 🤣 ok then…

At one time, people had never heard of cancers being caused by passive smoking. At one time, they hadn't heard of cancer being caused by smoking at all. Once upon a time, people didn't know about type 1 diabetes and people just died. The amazing thing about science is that it is continually evolving and discovering.