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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to ring my dad?

87 replies

louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:19

My dad is 79 and I'm 40
I'm an only child and my mum passed when I was young.
My anxiety is sky high as I've had a lot trauma
I ring my dad daily three times a day
9 am,2pm and 6pm (he doesn't ask me too)
He is fit and well ,no health issues
Independent ,shops ,cooks (looks younger too )
Yet I'm still terrified of something bad happening
If he doesn't answer first ring I panic

Anyway next week I'm going abroad for 4 nights but the anxiety before every call ruins my holiday.
All I can think of is the next call,and who to ring if he doesn't answer (police etc )
I just want a nice holiday
I want to turn off my phone and just be happy
Aibu if I don't ring till I get back to England ?

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:22

How long have you been doing that, ringing him 3times a day?
How do you find the time?
Surely you realise this isn't normal?
What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

Hurrayforfridays · 23/03/2023 21:29

That sounds really hard OP. I think you know that YANBU if you don't call him while you're away, but will your anxiety be ok if you don't?

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:30

Does your Dad not get annoyed being rung three times a day?

Original poster
louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:36

The calls normally last a few seconds
My dad isn't chatty
Hi you okay -yeah
Feeling healthy -yeah
Okay ring back later

OP posts:
Original poster
louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:36

I think il be anxious whatever I do
I hate it
Just want to enjoy my life without worrying constantly

OP posts:
Albiboba · 23/03/2023 21:37

louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:36

The calls normally last a few seconds
My dad isn't chatty
Hi you okay -yeah
Feeling healthy -yeah
Okay ring back later

You’re unreasonable for doing this, not for not doing it.

mynameiscalypso · 23/03/2023 21:37

Have you spoken to your GP about this? It sounds very hard

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:38

louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:36

I think il be anxious whatever I do
I hate it
Just want to enjoy my life without worrying constantly

Then what are you doing to manage it?
I'm not surprised he's not chatty!

Hellocatshome · 23/03/2023 21:41

If your dad is healthy and still out and about doing things is riging him 3 times a day not incredibly boring and tying for the both of you. From his point of view it might seem like you are expecting him to drop dead at any moment which cant be great for his mental health or yours. I would recommend seeing someone as this seems a bit like obsessive compulsive behaviour to me.

jays · 23/03/2023 21:42

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:22

How long have you been doing that, ringing him 3times a day?
How do you find the time?
Surely you realise this isn't normal?
What are you doing to manage your anxiety?

its very unhelpful to say this isn’t normal because it’s normal for OP. Yes I agree that there is room for guidance on anxiety coping mechanisms but it’s so unhelpful to say ‘surely you realise this isn’t normal’.

Creativityescapee · 23/03/2023 21:44

Cripes, sorry I agree you need a bit of help with this, totally not normal to be that anxious or ring that often. You need to set yourself free of this kind of anxiety OP

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:45

jays · 23/03/2023 21:42

its very unhelpful to say this isn’t normal because it’s normal for OP. Yes I agree that there is room for guidance on anxiety coping mechanisms but it’s so unhelpful to say ‘surely you realise this isn’t normal’.

Show quote history

But who will tell the OP that this isn't normal behaviour???

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 23/03/2023 21:45

Hi OP, I'm really sorry this sounds so hard. I used to have something similar, used to have to touch wood/have fingers crossed etc at all times as I was terrified my Dad would die. It took over my life and the ironic thing is I'm now no contact after all that. I can't tell you what put a stop to it for me, but I can tell you it took over my life and I wouldn't wish that on anyone one. Have you thought about seeking help and support to figure out what's chasing this anxiety? Why is it you're so panicked something has happened to him?

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:45

Let's normalise it then shall we?

Phonemonkey2023 · 23/03/2023 21:48

Sounds like OCD - how would you feel about not doing it while you are away?

Oysterbabe · 23/03/2023 21:49

My dad is a similar age. My mum died young. I call him about twice a month for a good catch up.
3 times a day is crazy.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/03/2023 21:54

I don't think you need to ring him 3 times a day unless you both want to speak to each other. And I'd probably be quite annoyed if someone did this to me with the conversation not getting any further than 'hi, you okay? Okay ring later'. The set times seems a bit strange too.

If he had an underlying condition which would make you worry or you were both happy to chat then great but I don't think you need to call while you go on holiday.

Just a thought though - if he has a mobile and not a home phone, you could always text each other a smiley face or something at the end of the day just to know you've been in contact and all is okay? It might save the unneeded chat.

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 21:54

Oh OP it’s lovely that you care so much about your dad but this is no way to live. Have you been to the doctor about your anxiety?

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:57

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 21:54

Oh OP it’s lovely that you care so much about your dad but this is no way to live. Have you been to the doctor about your anxiety?

It's not caring it's controlling.
What would you say if it was a man doing this to a woman?

Phonemonkey2023 · 23/03/2023 22:02

I can only see it being controlling of OP has told her father he can’t be anywhere where he can’t answer the phone at those times.

Callingallskeletons · 23/03/2023 22:03

Word of warning OP my best friends sister does this with their father (their mother died suddenly around 10 years ago) she is notorious in the family for the strain she is putting on their father, She seemingly cannot allow him more than an hours peace - he cannot go away without constant daily (sometimes hourly) phone calls, she rings him to talk at length about every aspect of his day and on the odd occasion he has not answered she has sent panicked family members to the house (and on 2 occasions even the police!) to check on him - needless to say everyone (especially him!) is sick to the back teeth of her

It sounds like you really need some help with your anxiety/possible OCD tendencies - have you considered counselling? Unfortunately things like this will not likely resolve on its own and going “cold turkey” on your holiday may lead to you becoming increasingly worse

PinkSyCo · 23/03/2023 22:05

widowtwankywashroom · 23/03/2023 21:57

It's not caring it's controlling.
What would you say if it was a man doing this to a woman?

Show quote history

I would say exactly the same if it was an anxious son checking his mother was ok. 🙄

Ginger1982 · 23/03/2023 22:07

Can he text?

SgtCatherineCawood · 23/03/2023 22:19

I was worried I'd be like this with my mum during first lockdown. So we started playing online scrabble. If she was taking her turns I knew she was fine. A quick text oi your turn if not.
Phone call if no response to that

I also checked her last online status on WhatsApp if I hadn't heard from her

But obviously all this is dependent if your dad would play a similar game and/or uses WhatsApp

I hope you find a solution that suits you both OP 😊

Merryoldgoat · 23/03/2023 22:22

louijjjb · 23/03/2023 21:36

The calls normally last a few seconds
My dad isn't chatty
Hi you okay -yeah
Feeling healthy -yeah
Okay ring back later

This is a truly weird interaction to have 3 times a day…