To not want to ring my dad?

[louijjjb]

My dad is 79 and I'm 40
I'm an only child and my mum passed when I was young.
My anxiety is sky high as I've had a lot trauma
I ring my dad daily three times a day
9 am,2pm and 6pm (he doesn't ask me too)
He is fit and well ,no health issues
Independent ,shops ,cooks (looks younger too )
Yet I'm still terrified of something bad happening
If he doesn't answer first ring I panic

Anyway next week I'm going abroad for 4 nights but the anxiety before every call ruins my holiday.
All I can think of is the next call,and who to ring if he doesn't answer (police etc )
I just want a nice holiday
I want to turn off my phone and just be happy
Aibu if I don't ring till I get back to England ?

Ah bless you OP
whatsapp and messenger last seen is invaluable. Can you replace the morning call with wordle/ waffle or him text you when he wakes up?

I'm not being controlling
I'm terrified of loosing another parent
I was 12 when my mum died -then my gran followed soon
In 5 years I've lost 2 aunts and 4 uncles
The reason I ring him is because if he is ill or fallen and he doesn't get help in time and I could of saved him by calling him

So what do you do if he doesn't answer? I dont for one second think you are being deliberately controlling but this behaviour is controlling his life in that he needs to be available to answer at the specified times so therefore cant be doing something where he might miss your call. It is also controlling your own life in that it is something that you "need" to do 3 times a day.

I do think you need to talk this through with a professional as it seems your precious bereavements have caused you trauma and this is your response to that trauma.

I understand your worries op, does he have a pendant alarm? They are very good and if he wears it constantly he can alert them even if he falls just by pressing the button. They will then ring you or another nominated person and help will be available for him. My parents had them, they are a godsend.

OP, you are trying to control the uncontrollable. Your dad is an old man. It's great that he is in good health, but one day, he is going to die. Surely you want to make the most of the time you have with him- spend quality time rather than this obsessive phoning. You cannot prevent the inevitable. This is not about your dad's wellbeing but about your own anxiety.

It is fine and perfectly normal not to ring him 3x a day . Until mobile phones people weren't in contact on holiday except by post card. How are you going to manage the needing to call, I would talk to GP re anxiety. And is there anyone your dad sees regularly who you can be reassured is around. It sounds like a good time to try and deal with this to help you and your dad.

It would be great if you could go on holiday and not feel compelled to ring your dad three times a day - for you and him. Better to warn him though as he might worry if he doesnt hear from you!

Do you think you can manage it though? Maybe you could just text him once a day, let him know what you're up to, he'll reply and you'll know he was OK. Then when you feel compelled, you can yourself that all was well and you'll text him again tomorrow.

Why not try cutting down now, to practise? Maybe one call, one text.

This exactly. This is all about your feelings around previous bereavements and with the best will in the world, nobody is going to go on forever.

So yes, take steps to deal with the anxiety but also seek bereavement counselling to try to come to terms with all of this.

See it from your dad's point of view - these three phone calls a day are basically asking him "Are you dead yet?" which can't be nice for him either.

I am like this as well OP. With me it’s my mom, my dad died suddenly a few years ago and I’m also an only child, I have also lost other close relatives in the last few years. If my mom doesn’t answer I am panicking instantly, I know it’s not healthy or rational but I can’t help it. Anxiety takes over your life. People can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. I also speak to my mom every day and text her. She is lonely though so often she will call me.

I would call before you get on the plane and then say you might leave it two days before calling etc. You could try for the whole time not to call but it’s a hard habit to break. You are not alone.

Why don't you buy him an Apple Watch or ask him to buy one for himself? There is a fall alert on it.

I'd be really pissed off if my children kept phoning me to ask if I was still alive.

This isn’t healthy. You can’t control everything. A pendant alarm is a good idea in case of emergencies. Have you spoken to your dad properly about these calls? Has it happened gradually over time or did you say look dad I’m going to call you three times a day to check in - did he agree to this?
You sound incredibly anxious and should see the GP.

It's really sad that this has been going on for so long without you getting help. It's obsessive behaviours and It must be very trying for your dad.
He's almost 80- I really think you should get some therapy to help you deal with the fact that he will die one day. So you can both enjoy your lives instead of being a prisoner to your anxiety.

Op you do understand you will loose him one day and ringing him 3 times a day won’t change that .
he could live well for years so this is going to make you very unwell
, I can’t see how you will go from ringing him 3 times a day to not ringing him at all on holiday . If it was so easy then why 3 times Is it ocd ?
try and cut it down to once or twice before you go away then maybe when on holiday you can just call him a couple of times .

@louijjjb

I know it's difficult if you've lost several members of your family over r a reasonably short period of time. But checking in with your dad three times a day is not good for either of you. You get anxious about calling him, he probably feels the same.

Also, he can't do a single thing while waiting for your call so you're restricting him a bit.

Why not cut the daily calls down to two at first? Morning and evening. Then if that works down to a daily call?

I don't think going from three-times daily to none over four days will do your mental health any favours at all. Too late to suddenly change now.

Wow. No you are not being unreasonable to not want to ring your father.

I do think that the 3 phone calls per day because you are concerned about his health/wellbeing is thoughtful but highly disruptive to his life and what if he wasn't there, was out being sociable with some of his friends when you phoned?

You need to talk with your GP around your anxiety around possibly losing your parent. I'd also consider getting him a 'fall alarm' that he could use if he ever did fall and/or require medical attention.

Please start to teach yourself to let go. I hate being blunt here but everyone will die at some stage. You need to be able to prepare yourself for when the inevitable happens and based on your post, I really don't think you're there yet.

I am also so very sorry for your losses.

Kindly you are being controlling.
Seek some help.
Have you asked your Dad if he wants to be called three times a day? Maybe that’s a good start. If he says no then it isn’t something he wants.
On the other side what if your DH called you multiple times a day? How would you feel about that?

How about transitioning to texts? Morning, lunchtime, night. Then slowly at morning and night time, then just each morning.

You are controlling him and you will lose him at some point.
I'm sorry. But that's the reality.
You need help to control anxiety.

OP i get where you are coming from. I would urge you to seek therapy to help with your fears. Enjoy your holiday

@widowtwankywashroom unnecessarily harsh. Show some empathy ffs.

But she's not really checking that he's OK, she assuaging some OCD that she has

Unfortunately my dad doesn't have WhatsApp or anything ,he has never sent a text in his life
Very anti technology
He has a phone that he has had for donkeys years and that's a pay as you go too

This really isn't about your dad, is it? If you're worried about falls, you can support him in getting one of those alarm buttons you wear on a lanyard around your neck.

But you need to start some serious work on addressing your anxiety. Talk to your GP, get on the waiting list for therapy, take medication. Because you deserve a better life than this.

You're not addressing the issue are you?
I feel sorry for your poor dad

But it's a ridiculous situation and someone needs to tell her.