To not want to ring my dad?

[louijjjb]

My dad is 79 and I'm 40
I'm an only child and my mum passed when I was young.
My anxiety is sky high as I've had a lot trauma
I ring my dad daily three times a day
9 am,2pm and 6pm (he doesn't ask me too)
He is fit and well ,no health issues
Independent ,shops ,cooks (looks younger too )
Yet I'm still terrified of something bad happening
If he doesn't answer first ring I panic

Anyway next week I'm going abroad for 4 nights but the anxiety before every call ruins my holiday.
All I can think of is the next call,and who to ring if he doesn't answer (police etc )
I just want a nice holiday
I want to turn off my phone and just be happy
Aibu if I don't ring till I get back to England ?

3 times a day is unnecessary and intrusive. Once a week is more usual for the adult child of a competent parent.
Ringing or not ringing him will make no difference to his health and (eventual) death.
It sounds like you need to access some proper sport for your anxiety, so that you can cut down the number of calls.

@pointythings he wouldn't wear one of those as he still walks really fast /steady etc

@widowtwankywashroom you feel sorry for my poor dad? I would hardly say ringing to check on him is exactly something that's taking a strain on him

This is a mental health issue that OP needs to address.
Her dad shouldn't have to wear things to try and placate OP's anxiety.
Go and talk to your GP as a starting point OP.

"support" not sport!

Doesn't he ever go anywhere? Why would you think he might fall? If he's ill, he can call you.

I beg to differ actually. I think you ringing 3 times a day actually is taking a strain on him. He has to make sure he answers 3 times a day to ensure you don't panic and he probably is aware this is outside the realms of normal behaviour and is worried about you I'm sure he would rather you were getting on with your life and not letting this compulsion take over.

Oh, it absolutely is.

Of course it's a strain on him. He knows that if he doesn't answer immediately you will be up to high doh with anxiety and panicking that he is dead or has had a bad fall. He knows that he MUST be available to speak to you three times a day, or else. It's a huge imposition on him and the fact you don't recognise that is quite worrying.

Please speak to someone about strategies for managing your anxiety.

I mean this with kindness @louijjjb but I think its possible that ringing three times a day is putting a strain on him.

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to know that you need to answer your phone three times a day otherwise someone you love is going to be panciked and worried. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone for your peace of mind.

I understand that you have been through a lot but with the best will in the world, people get sick, things happen. You can't prevent it all. You are taking up so much of your own and probably your Dad's mental energy. Please do think about getting some counselling.

OP I wanted to offer a bit of solidarity as someone who has also experienced more than my fair share of bereavement including losing a parent as a child. I also worry about my remaining parent and like you if I can’t reach her sometimes I have a moment of panic. It’s a perfectly normal response to childhood trauma.

However, your coping mechanism of calling him so much is making you (and possibly your Dad) anxious and unhappy. Please do seek out some counselling. Perhaps try reducing your calls slowly. For your holiday you could call your dad, but only once a day or arrange for someone else you trust to call and contact you if there are any issues. That way you can hopefully enjoy your holiday. Please do look for support long term - it might take a while but it is possIble to reframe the way you think.

Of course it's a strain!
What if he wants to go out?
What if he wants a sleep?
What if his bowel movements don't tie in with your bloody schedule?
Think about it
He has to answer......
Think about the strain you're putting on him, to satisfy your needs.

So he can walk fast and is steady on his feet!!

I feel for you OP.

I lost my healthy, young-ish dad completely out of the blue 5 years ago. Prior to that, I'd phone my parents once a week, on a Wednesday evening. But since dad died, I phone mum every single day, unless we've pre-arranged NOT to call, at 6pm.
I also have a bit of a panic if she doesn't answer, or is slow to answer. I won't be able to settle that evening until we've spoken.
I also think about what I'd do if she didn't answer - who I'd call first, how long I'd leave it, etc.

But I think 3 times a day, basically to check they're still alive, is obsessive. It means you never get to relax, and you're always hyper-fixated on the "what will happen when?" But of course, it WILL happen - he'll pass away eventually. But you can't live your life waiting for that moment. You just have to trust that future you will deal with it, and let it go.

Sending your love and strength OP.

It sounds tough op. I guess you know that you ringing or not makes no difference to whether he is ok.

My dad is the same age and have also lost my mum. I ring him most evenings for a ten minute chat. Of course if he did not pick up I'd go round and see if he was ok ( he does not go out).

@louijjjb if he isn't at risk of falling and he's well and independent then this is all about the need for you to deal with your anxiety. It isn't fair on him that you are putting the burden of it on him - and that is what you are doing with your constant calling. Time to wake up and deal with it. And no, it won't be easy, but it will benefit both of you.

This is weird. You're literally calling to check he's not dead, multiple times a day

I'd unplug my phone if you were my child! It could definitely be putting a strain on him, yes. It's very draining when someone is very needy. I have a needy sibling who does multiple times a day calls and I know it takes its toll on my mum - not that she tells her.

You really do need to get some help for yourself. He WILL die. That's just a fact of life. And it will happen regardless of how many times a day you phone.

Go. Enjoy your holiday. And use this as a catalyst to call 3 times a week instead.

You could very well be harming him. You’re ringing him and asking him if he’s “feeling healthy” ffs!? Imagine how that would make you feel as an adult who knows they’re getting old. It also doesn’t matter how healthy he is feeling, he could drop dead tomorrow, any of us could, I feel like my life would be negatively effected if my child was ringing me multiple times a day only to check I hadn’t died, rather than wanting to talk to me and not having any sort of meaningful conversation.

If your Dad is otherwise fit and healthy and getting out and about as much as he wants, then you are indeed restricting both your lives. If he is not fit and healthy and you have a legitimate reason to fear he will have fallen or otherwise come to harm, then surely he would be needing other support such as pendant alarms, carer visits throughout the day...?

I have an elderly, frail mother and it's normal to get a momentary twinge anxiety if she doesn't pick up the phone when I call, so I get that, but we also have plenty of mitigations in place before I start going nuclear-levels of panic. I'm sorry you've had a lot of bereavements but the scale of your anxiety is not normal and you need to find a better way of dealing with it than putting it on your Dad.

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum. This sounds like a very normal trauma response, have you been able to access some counselling and support to talk things over and help you to gradually change the need to do this. You absolutely wouldn’t be unreasonable not to call whilst you’re away.

People are being very mean about a poster who clearly knows she has a problem and wants to change but can’t actually make that change without massive anxiety.

@louijjjb if your holiday is soon I wouldn’t pressurise yourself into suddenly stopping this very ingrained behaviour. You need professional help to strategise and learn to control your anxiety. Perhaps you could reduce the calls to once or twice a day but in all honesty I’d imagine you’d spend more time focusing on your next call.

Go away and have a good time and take your issue along with you like a rather annoying companion you can largely ignore. When you get home see your GP and engage in some good therapy if you truly want to change.

Goos luck.

You are putting your anxiety onto him and that isn't fair, he won't want to say anything because he loves you and used to you I do think you should speak to your Gp about this it's affecting your life, does he have a mobile can you text instead?

This just shows how far removed from reality you are.

It IS a strain having someone phone you multiple times a day to check that you’re alive. You will be ruining what should be a nice quiet time of his life, having to try and help you manage your anxiety. It’s no way to live for either of you, but YOU are the one imposing on HIM

What the pp said

You ARE being controlling (because he has no choice to not answer otherwise you will be panicked).
You ARE putting a strain on him.

You later posts demonstrates how deluded you are about this. It is not right to behave like this and it needs calling out.
I lost sympathy when you refused to see how controlling and difficult for him (as well as you) this is.

YABU. I completely understand why OP, but you are.
I would have lost my shit with you now if I were your parent.
3 times a day phone calls are intrusive and stressful. Don't do that to him for your peace of mind. Its just not fair.
If your dad hasn't spoken to you about this yet, its probably because he doesn't know how to. If you spoke to him, he'd probably tell you its fine, because you're his little girl and he loves you, but I doubt it is. Please try and get some help with your anxiety. Your life isn't life if it revolves around anxiety filled phone calls 3 times a day which help no-one.