To say no to babysitting

xvixix · 2023-03-23T13:57:26+00:00

looking for some advice I’ve read a few of these threads and find them really helpful. I am a single mum to 4 children 3 of which have additional needs (asd) I don’t work at the moment because my youngest who is 18 months has a lot of appointments. 2 of my kids stll attend primary school so obviously I pick them up at 3. my cousins also have their kids at the same school and work full time. recently it started with one of them asking every now again if I could pick her child up after school until her daughter finished high school which wasn’t a problem but now it’s 3/4 times a week, also she will ask me last minute like an hour before pick up which makes me feel like I can’t say no. I don’t mind helping out but now I’m starting to feel taken advantage of and she thinks we’ll I’m picking my kids up already so why not. I barely have time to myself as it is and when her child comes over he constantly argues with my other child of a similar age. It’s starting to frustrate me too that I never hear from her either unless she wants me to do pick ups. I hate confrontation and I’ve had fall outs with her in the past but also because she’s family and I would still see her at drop offs. I feel bad but also I’m stressed and overwhelmed myself with my own kids and their needs. AIBU to say no I can no longer do picks up for her?

Lulu1919 · 23/03/2023 13:59

Tell her it's not working as kids not getting in after a bus day at school ...to ask in an emergency only

TeeBee · 23/03/2023 14:01

Just say no then! Tell her you're already overwhelmed with 4 to look after... or just say 'I can't do this on a regular basis, only in emergencies'. You don't need to explain yourself to her. You're taking time out of paid work to take care of your own children, not hers. She needs to sort out a better arrangement for her own childcare.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 14:03

Yes that's fine but can you have all of mine on x date as I have an appointment?

She won't ask you again...

ZekeZeke · 23/03/2023 14:04

Tell her it's not working as kids not getting along. And don't answer the phone when she calls.

TeeBee · 23/03/2023 14:05

She knows exactly what she's doing by asking you last minute. Don't read her messages and don't answer the phone. Cheeky mare.

SupplyIsLimited · 23/03/2023 14:14

The most straightforward way is to tell her it's not working out because the kids are too tired after school, or you're too busy/tired/have plans.

The less honest way is to suddenly become flaky or less available. If you 'fail to notice' her messages in time, 'didn't have your phone on you', etc., maybe she'll take the hint and stop asking. It's a bit more cowardly and will take longer to take effect than just speaking to her, but sometimes we just want to avoid the conversation.

Original poster

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:16

I know I just know she’s going to make me feel bad about it and just think well she’s picking hers up anyway so why not mine. One time she hadn’t messaged me in time and I never seen it and her son wasn’t picked up and I was made to feel like it was my fault because she just assumed i would do it. I just don’t know to approach it but it’s clear she’s using me because I never hear from her any other time and she has never taken my kids for me either in fact hasn’t even ever offered x

OP posts:

minou123 · 23/03/2023 14:18

Classic cheeky fucker (cf) behaviour.

You have to stick up for yourself. You don't want to do it, and that's all the reason you need to give.

Don't get drawn into a debate or feel like yiu have to justify yourself.
A simple
This is not working for me. I will no longer be picking up your child from school

That's all yiu need to say. Don't fall for any emotional guilt trips.

coconutpie · 23/03/2023 14:20

OP, say no. You need to stop with the attitude that you feel bad over not helping but this woman is totally taking advantage of you being a doormat. I wouldn't even offer for emergencies anymore, otherwise every day will become an emergency. A simple "sorry but I can no longer provide after school childcare for you" text would suffice. And do not engage any further. Ignore all messages.

takealettermsjones · 23/03/2023 14:20

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:16

I know I just know she’s going to make me feel bad about it and just think well she’s picking hers up anyway so why not mine. One time she hadn’t messaged me in time and I never seen it and her son wasn’t picked up and I was made to feel like it was my fault because she just assumed i would do it. I just don’t know to approach it but it’s clear she’s using me because I never hear from her any other time and she has never taken my kids for me either in fact hasn’t even ever offered x

She can try to make out like it's your fault all she wants, but you know it wasn't, and we all know it wasn't! Tell her it's not working out and don't look back!

Original poster

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:23

coconutpie · 23/03/2023 14:20

OP, say no. You need to stop with the attitude that you feel bad over not helping but this woman is totally taking advantage of you being a doormat. I wouldn't even offer for emergencies anymore, otherwise every day will become an emergency. A simple "sorry but I can no longer provide after school childcare for you" text would suffice. And do not engage any further. Ignore all messages.

I do need to stop being a doormat, I find it hard to set boundaries with people because I hate confrontation and I have bad anxiety in social situations. We have also fallen out in the past and she has bed. Extremely confrontational with me and I just want a quiet life 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:24

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:23

I do need to stop being a doormat, I find it hard to set boundaries with people because I hate confrontation and I have bad anxiety in social situations. We have also fallen out in the past and she has bed. Extremely confrontational with me and I just want a quiet life 😂

Show quote history

*been

OP posts:

ZekeZeke · 23/03/2023 14:24

Don't apologise.
Don't say I'm sorry.
Don't say unfortunately.
Say, I can no longer collect your child from school, it's not working out.
Don't answer the phone.

coconutpie · 23/03/2023 14:30

OP, it's never easy dealing with a cheeky fucker like this! That is why texting is such a perfect solution, you avoid face to face contact. So text her now and get it done. If you meet her at school or anywhere else and she brings it up, just say it no longer works for us, you will need to find an alternative source of childcare. If she keeps insisting, you can just say that doesn't work for us and you're not discussing it further. If she keeps going on say - did you not hear what I said? This topic is not up for discussion.

If your cousin is going to be extremely brass-necked by her constant demands, then you have to be completely blunt with your responses. She has no problem making your life more stressful by adding her DC to your busy evenings! So why should you feel guilty for telling her no?

billy1966 · 23/03/2023 14:41

She's a bully and could are less about you.

She sees you as someone she can use.

Send a text and then mute her and archive her number so you can no longer see her texts.

billy1966 · 23/03/2023 14:44

An old friend of mine lived very near her school and took to turning her phone off an hour before pick up because she got sick of calls.

She simply said I didn't hear/see your call and they got the message that she was no longer available when the school called to ask where were they.

A few were cheeky enough to think a simple text to ask was job done.

It wasn't.

minou123 · 23/03/2023 14:44

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:23

I do need to stop being a doormat, I find it hard to set boundaries with people because I hate confrontation and I have bad anxiety in social situations. We have also fallen out in the past and she has bed. Extremely confrontational with me and I just want a quiet life 😂

Show quote history

I get what you're saying and you don't want to come across as "mean".

But by not setting boundaries, in the long run you're setting yourself up for a harder life.

Think of it like dealing with a toddler
You say "NO", they kick, scream, say they hate you, stomp around, throw themselves on the floor, but you stick to your guns. No is a No.

Danikm151 · 23/03/2023 14:48

I’d love to know if she’d ask if you started charging for the privilege!
she’s using you. Tell her 4 is enough to look after and 5 is too many

Original poster

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:49

minou123 · 23/03/2023 14:44

I get what you're saying and you don't want to come across as "mean".

But by not setting boundaries, in the long run you're setting yourself up for a harder life.

Think of it like dealing with a toddler
You say "NO", they kick, scream, say they hate you, stomp around, throw themselves on the floor, but you stick to your guns. No is a No.

Show quote history

Yes your right I’m far too nice for my own good and people have always taken advantage. I’ve been in dv relationships in the past and tbh my cousin hasn’t ever really been nice to me either I seem to attract users. I know I need to set boundaries and I’m trying to be more aware of situations like these. It’s just the fear of confrontation and being made out like I’m being horrible for not helping her out it gives me extreme anxiety. I know that I need to put a stop to it it’s just actually doing it now x

OP posts:

Original poster

xvixix · 23/03/2023 14:51

Danikm151 · 23/03/2023 14:48

I’d love to know if she’d ask if you started charging for the privilege!
she’s using you. Tell her 4 is enough to look after and 5 is too many

I know I really feel like saying she needs to get a childminder like everyone else who works has to. I don’t get help from anyone and never get offered help either people just walk all over me x

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/03/2023 14:51

Total cheeky fucker

SHe's depending on your good nature

Start saying no.

And maybe actually say to her I can't pick up anymore you need to find other arrangements

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/03/2023 14:56

Can you try and see it as a positive? Things like this are a good way of weeding out the users. If she falls put with you, it's ok to feel anxious about it, but its actually a good thing that you have stood up for yourselves and you have severed that relationship...because it was a shit one sided relationship

pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 23/03/2023 14:59

Send her a text now:

Dear cousin, I just wanted to let you know that after a lot of consideration, I won't be able to collect xxxxxxx from school anymore, as having the 5 kids here all at once is becoming a nightmare and affecting the kids' behaviour and my mental health. Thanks for understanding.

There, job done. 👊

minou123 · 23/03/2023 15:04

pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 23/03/2023 14:59

Send her a text now:

Dear cousin, I just wanted to let you know that after a lot of consideration, I won't be able to collect xxxxxxx from school anymore, as having the 5 kids here all at once is becoming a nightmare and affecting the kids' behaviour and my mental health. Thanks for understanding.

There, job done. 👊

This is excellent.

And if she comes back with
"But it's only for a couple if hours"
"You're being very selfish"
"You're putting me in a horrible situation because nobody else can pick xxxxx up"
Etc

All you reply back with is
"I wont be collecting xxxxx anymore. Thanks"

Do not get dragged in to justifying yourself

bunhead1979 · 23/03/2023 15:12

Oh god I know how hard this is! I had a time when I had 2 young ASD kids while I was a SAHM/WFH mum and my SIL who worked full time kept saying could I "help her out" with her daughter- who was 8yrs older- during the school holidays 8am-6pm. The girl was miserable, I was miserable, it was so hard to plan activities with such an age spread etc but also felt really meant to say NO MORE. In the end I did as other poster have said and became flaky about seeing my phone/replying or being difficult about my availability, like I can do one day but not another, so in the end I stopped being the "easy" option and they got proper childcare.

I think you've have some good suggestions, I would go the route of being less available, like you're going to a friends house one day, or the dentist, or one day you're really tired etc, ask if she can take all the kids one day, just be difficult. If she asks directly, also totally fine to say "can't do that today" with no reason and not feel bad about it. I hate when we have to spend time trying to not be rude to someone who has been TOTALLY RUDE to us!