To say no to babysitting

[xvixix]

looking for some advice I’ve read a few of these threads and find them really helpful.

I am a single mum to 4 children 3 of which have additional needs (asd) I don’t work at the moment because my youngest who is 18 months has a lot of appointments. 2 of my kids stll attend primary school so obviously I pick them up at 3.

my cousins also have their kids at the same school and work full time. recently it started with one of them asking every now again if I could pick her child up after school until her daughter finished high school which wasn’t a problem but now it’s 3/4 times a week, also she will ask me last minute like an hour before pick up which makes me feel like I can’t say no. I don’t mind helping out but now I’m starting to feel taken advantage of and she thinks we’ll I’m picking my kids up already so why not.

I barely have time to myself as it is and when her child comes over he constantly argues with my other child of a similar age. It’s starting to frustrate me too that I never hear from her either unless she wants me to do pick ups. I hate confrontation and I’ve had fall outs with her in the past but also because she’s family and I would still see her at drop offs. I feel bad but also I’m stressed and overwhelmed myself with my own kids and their needs.

AIBU to say no I can no longer do picks up for her?

Yes this is really good.

I think I'd be inclined to add if she responds:

"I'm happy to do it once a month if you have a genuine emergency, but unless you'd like to formalise the arrangement and start start paying me to do so as it's costing me a lot in after school snacks etc, I think you need to find proper wraparound care. I have 4 of my own, it's just too much. But moving forward, please don't assume I can collect XX."

OP, do you think she's sitting around feeling guilty for not paying you, or offering reciprocal childcare, or bringing thank-you gifts???

Think about that.

I wouldnt offer anything like a PP has suggested ""I'm happy to do it once a month if you have a genuine emergency, but unless you'd like to formalise the arrangement and start start paying me to do so as it's costing me a lot in after school snacks etc, I think you need to find proper wraparound care. I have 4 of my own, it's just too much. But moving forward, please don't assume I can collect XX"

As it makes her think you are willing to negotiate, also it opens the way for her to bung you a few bags of snacks as 'payment'. The more specific you are in your objections, the more it gives her something to argue against.

If she responds saying you've dropped her in the shit I'd just say something bland along the lines of 'sure you'll get it sorted, good luck'. Or if you feel like it 'it isnt and has never been my responsibility to organise your childcare.' Beforehand

Don’t offer to do it for emergencies or every time will be an emergency.

You can do it, good luck!

Send her a message saying "I've babysat for you 10 times and am starting to feel like a doormat. Once you've babysat for my kids 10 times then you can ask me again for help, but please don't ask again until then."

I bet she never asks again.

I wouldn't respond to her messages. People are free to message when they like in my view but I will look at it when it suits me. Stop checking your phone and start answering her hours later then don't reply

This is the perfect text, definitely send this.

I agree don't offer in an emergency or once a month, that immediately puts it up for negotiation again.

Well 2 ways to play this.

1. It's too much for me, the kids are arguing and while I don't mind in an emergency I can't do it 3-4 times a week. (She might still be a cheeky cow about it and try negotiate u do it a couple of days).

1. Ask her to look after ur kids at the wkend or whenever she isn't working. In fact be even cheekier ask cld she do every week as uv been offered a days work. She can hardly say no can she but I bet she finds an excuse!

If it was a case of just collecting her kid and dropping them off en route home I’d not really find it an issue as she’d be right that you’re collecting yours anyway and I’ve personally never had an issue doing this for others - however, if she’s expecting you to collect them and take them home with you that’s a whole different ball game.
Next time she asks I’d say yes I can pick up but will need to drop them straight off on the way home because we’re busy after school (if you don’t feel confident telling her the kids don’t get on) and keep to that, only pick up and drop straight off and eventually she’ll get the picture.
Either that or just ignore every message she sends last minute and she’ll surely stop asking you if it means her child is left at school waiting 😝

Every time she asks start asking her to have yours the next day/the weekend she'll soon stop

This is clear & to the point.

Do it OP.

This! Really nice, to the the point - done

Thanks everyone I’m going to have a think and write out a message to let her know I can’t do it anymore. It’s the Easter holidays next week so will give her plenty time to sort something out x

If you offer to help in an emergency then every time she wants babysitting she will call it an emergency, you will get a big sob-story about how her boss is so mean and she has to work late and it's so hard on the kids and how can you be so awful as to say no when her life is so hard. Offering to help in emergencies just really creates an opening for her to continue to use you.

Easter holidays? she'll be dropping him straight to your door!

You’re right I don’t even get a thank you when I reply saying I can pick him up for her lol x

I retract the emergency bit of my suggestion! I think others are right, she'll see it as a way back in.

I stand by the bit about saying she can bloody well pay you if she wants to keep doing it.

Usually her daughter that’s at high school babysits I think in the holidays so she doesn’t usually ask me then so she will have the 2 weeks holidays to sort the childcare when they are back to school x

Isn't your phone broken? 😉

How does this sound?

I just wanted to let you know I won’t be able to pick up X after school anymore DS has alot of appointments coming up, the court date and X not taking the kids as much now he’s moved away, I really don’t have any time to myself and it’s a lot with all of them right now x

just for context my older 3 kids dad has moved over an hour away so can’t help out as much and my baby’s dad is currently taking me to court for visitation so I do have alot going on right now x

Far too long, short and sweet is needed
"Hi cheeky cousin, can't do school
pickups as of tomorrow"
no explanation needed.

This.

That's fine OP- well done.

You do have so much on your plate. I can't believe she never offered to watch your children in return, let alone pay you. You've saved her a fortune, she should be ashamed of herself.

You don't owe her anything, and if she kicks off- don't engage.

It's good @xvixix

Send it. But stick to it. Don't get dragged into any arguments back and forth.

If she messages back with trying to get you to do it, stick to your guns.

You can do this.

Just mute her.