To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Why should OP pick up the tab??? If that's the case the SAHM boyfriend who she TOO has had a baby with should be funding her 3 kids.

To the other poster saying £400 isn't enough well she should of thought about that before having another baby and not returning to work! I know it's an unpopular opinion but we all knew full well kids are expensive after the FIRST kid 😅

You do right OP. CMS always has to be shared if you go on to have more than 1 child. In the real world its only a small percentage of people who will be getting £800-£1000 for 2 or more kids. The mother has utter cheek.

It's already been explained that the debts were for assets that the ex retained. The court ordered that the debt repayment was to be equally split between ex and ops partner. The courts opinion is the one that counts. You have no idea why ex became a sahm. Non of us do. So guessing that she gave up promotions ect is just that. Guessing. She might have been a minimum wage shop worker, she might have never had a job, she could be a work shy grifter happy to let everyone else support her. We don't know. It's not up to op or even ops partner to support HER lifestyle choices. He's paying the maintenance assessed for his income, he's paying HER court ordered share of their joint debts, he and op are paying for many extras for the kids such as music lessons ect. It's not up to him to fund HER. She chose to have an affair, she chose to take the kids and leave, she chose to have another child with her affair partner, she chose to move to a bigger house because she had a fourth child, when does she start paying for HER choices.
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You chose a man with 3 children. You want to have a family with him. That means committing to his 3 pre-existing children as well as the child you hope to have. Who pays is less relevant than the need to ensure that the children feel equally cared for by both sets of parents.

OP has got no obligation to help the mum’s household. The mum has got an actual living breathing partner there who she chose to have a baby with. It’s up to them both to figure things out together. If they hadn’t have had a baby then the financial balance might not have tipped.

His ex has never worked in a salaried position, according to mutual friends this is because she is adamant that she doesn’t want to work for someone else. She has set up a number of small businesses of her own doing things like making homemade greeting cards in the past. She is now a director of her boyfriend’s company and is in charge of his Facebook page (he’s a tradesman). I would imagine this is so she can claim in-work benefits. No shade on that, I’m sure she’s not doing anything illegal and is operating within the system.

People have asked what the debt is for. It was a consolidation loan of 25k. 8k went on old credit cards and overdrafts (1.5k was in OH’s name), 12k on a car and 5k on new furniture. They had previously agreed that she would start part-time work and go full-time when all the children were at school but had been arguing about that a lot when the affair started. She’s degree-educated and smart and I have no doubt that she could have got a well-paid job at that point if she wanted to.

Eldest boy once accidentally brought some of her paperwork to our house along with his music lessons invoice, so I know she and her boyfriend had taken out a 7.5k joint loan, but that was several years ago and I have no idea if it’s still being paid off, increased, or cleared. I would imagine her household disposable income is fairly similar to ours, once benefits, maintenance and the loan are taken into account.

When the debt is cleared, OH and I will have a discussion about our finances and potentially raise the maintenance amount. We’ll continue paying for ad-hoc tangible items like football boots as they arise. As I said before I’m aware their costs will increase as they age. But at the moment their financial pressure is primarily due to having a new baby (and apparently planning the next).

I do worry about there being an unfair dynamic in the other home, but there’s not much we can do about it.

The boyfriend’s family are (understandably) overjoyed about their first grandchild and my OH’s children have spent a lot more time with their mum’s parents since the baby’s arrival. The baby has his own bedroom already whereas OH’s three share. There’s been term-time trips with the baby whilst the children stay at the grandparents’. The baby has all new toys and clothes whereas OH’s are in second-hand. The youngest in particular is struggling with the change and not being the youngest anymore. But these are all standard blended family situations and really, it’s up to them to work them through.

We have now replied to the email to say we won’t be increasing the regular payments whilst the loan is being paid off, but to contact us with any specific requests and we’ll see what we can do. Apparently we are disgusting and should be ashamed of ourselves 🤐

Sorry but your living costs have increased due to you having another child, it’s not my responsibility to pay towards that child and I feel like you’ve not taken into consideration that you should have made sure you could afford any unexpected increase to outgoings to support your first three children before having another child.

We already give you what works out at £55/day for the kids which is more than adequate, considering I’m also paying your £200 half of the court ordered contribution to the marital debt. We will be continuing the financial arrangement as it stands.

We would be more than happy to have the kids extra in the school holidays without reducing maintenance payments if this helps, but that’s all we can offer at this time.

regards,

ps: try keeping your legs shut. It costs nothing

You’re a really good person tbh. Many people wouldn’t pay a penny towards children that aren’t theirs.

Don’t fall victim to the guilt trips. She knows you care about them and she’ll use that against you.

She’s taking advantage. She cannot on one hand be complaining about the cost of living and also planning not one but two more children. She doesn’t want more support for the children she shares with your DP, she wants funding for the new ones.

Concentrate on supporting them in your own home. You’ll need the funds if they do decide to spend more time with you in future (and possible live with you full time). Incidentally, if they did, do you think she would be willing to part with £500 a month?

I do worry about there being an unfair dynamic in the other home, but there’s not much we can do about it.

No, there isn't. And quite honestly, you could give her double with absolutely zero guarantee that any of that money is being spent where it's supposed to be. You've already indicated that she's quite irresponsible.

So if what you say is true Op then his ex is the one whose caused her own problems. As soon as your DP wanted her to work she took up with another man, now she has another baby and still wants more even though they don't have enough money already. If they hadn't needed a bigger house they could probably manage but now it's all you DPs fault.

She's probably unhappy that her ex got the new partner with a decent income and thinks it's unfair. Her DP doesn't seem to be buying anything for his DSC but doesn't mind taking your money.

You chose a man with 3 children. You want to have a family with him. That means committing to his 3 pre-existing children as well as the child you hope to have. Who pays is less relevant than the need to ensure that the children feel equally cared for by both sets of parents.
The OP does not need to commit to children that are not hers, children she has no say over or rights over. She owes them nothing. Their father does, he cannot give more so its tough. I wish more Stepparents would go into step preventing holding firm on this. You are no better thought of, it just becomes expected of you and when you do have your own children it can become a nightmare.

Parenting not preventing! Also the quote isn't in bold argh

Yes like pouring money into a colander.

Some people spend every last penny they get and it doesn’t mean they’re spending it wisely.

I do think there’s something in the suggestion that she’s jealous that her ex has the higher earning partner. She’s quite disparaging about our house, our cars, and things we do (we tell the children that it’s not a competition and that they’re lucky in both homes).

From what the children have said, she pays for food and their direct costs, and her boyfriend pays for the house costs. So he does pay for the children indirectly (same as me) and has probably borne the brunt of the increased costs from the baby.

The question of the children moving in with us is an interesting one. If they wanted it, of course we’d love it too. I don’t expect we’d receive any maintenance at all but we’d manage. I don’t think we’d get any benefits due to my salary and we’d need to put them into wraparound care as no extended family nearby, but we already have the space and everything they need here. I’d worry about the psychological impact of switching primary carer. The older two are quite shy so I think they’d be afraid of switching schools, and get a lot from being with extended family. The youngest has some behavioural difficulties and is just desperate for attention, which is getting worse since the new baby arrived. I do think he’d be better off with us long-term because we’d have more time for him and we have more structure, but he also adores his mum, and I don’t think he’d ever be willingly separated from her. I can definitely see it being suggested if any of them become troubled teenagers though. I could also see a scenario where one or more ends up living primarily with their maternal grandparents.

The spending on holidays is very familiar. It’s definitely what happened with us, including booking holidays abroad for Christmas when it was our turn to have them - we were supposed to have them for alternate years and I think we had them once, twice at the most. Interestingly, all the kids lived elsewhere from the age of about 15 onwards - one with us and the other two with a relative. The maintenance was paid directly to the kids at that point.

Interesting, that sounds very familiar. How did that work out for the children? Do they have close bonds with both parents as adults?

I do think there’s something in the suggestion that she’s jealous that her ex has the higher earning partner. She’s quite disparaging about our house, our cars, and things we do (we tell the children that it’s not a competition and that they’re lucky in both homes).

it sounds likely. Instead of being happy that her children are provided for in your home, she’s making jealous and bitter comments. Don’t think for a second that she would be in any way thankful for the increased maintenance, she thinks that you (as opposed to your partner l) being able to afford it means that she’s entitled to have it.

In regards to the residency of the children, just let them know that your door is open and support them in making their own choices when they’re old enough.

Good for you, OP, you needed to be firm. It makes far more sense for your DP to cover specific needs right now than contribute an additional £100 to who knows what. I don’t like the sound of their home situation, tbh-second-hand clothes, being shoved off to relatives while the baby is pampered.

Your DP can spend that £100 pcm directly on his children’s clothes, paying for their activities, etc., to be sure that it’s actually being spent on them.

It’s worked out OK. They’re all adults now and pretty clear eyed. Our relationship is great, particularly with the one who lived with us.

I worked out the Christmas thing relatively recently. One of them was talking about how much they loved Christmas here because I go a bit over the top with decorating the house, everyone gets a stocking regardless of age, lots of board games - you get the picture. The penny dropped that they’d said that at home when they were little …

She's basically asking for maintenence towards a child that isn't your OHs.

Fundamentally I don’t think my OH’s ex is a bad person or in any way intentionally harmful to her children, it’s just that blended families are hard for everyone involved, and we just have to do the best we can. I do have empathy for her because in my eyes she’s made a huge error in leaving OH and probably regrets it (she’s hinted - he shuts it down). She wants to make her own life as pleasant and comfortable as possible and I can’t argue with that as a concept. I just need to get better at being firm and saying no to requests which aren’t directly beneficial for the children.

@Blossomtoes that’s really good to hear. I hope it all works out for us too. Your Christmas situation sounds very very familiar.

You’re not wrong to refuse. There’s NO more money available from DH and why on earth should YOU be expected (or even dp for that matter) to fund THEIR increase in living expenses caused by THEIR decision to chose to move/get bigger house/a longer commute AND have another kid.

none of the above was anything you agreed to fund. The dsds have what they need and you are providing from your own pocket.

you’re doing more than enough and his ex and her dp are being reckless and expecting other people to bail them out.

Has she actually asked yet @Nastyurtium?

Yes she has, as I outlined in earlier posts