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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about the way someone else is bringing up their dc?

107 replies

tillytally · 12/02/2008 15:04

I'm not sure if I should just butt out and forget it.

But i am worried about the dc of one of our employees.

They have 2 dc, one 2 1/2 the other only a few months old. I know they love the dc and in all other respects look after the kids well, they are clean well fed etc etc. They are young so have done things differantly to me, but nothing that jepordises the dc.

There is however one thing that really worries me. That is the fact that they both smoke a lot of cannabis. By a lot I mean most days. They are struggling financially which means the kids must go without some things to fund this, but more importantly those poor childrens health.

They live in a one bedroom flat so when they are smoking this they cannot be away from the fumes. In most cases there are others there smoking it as well.

What do i do AIBU and just butt out, or should I report this to someone? I am torn and dont know what to do.

I would hate someone interfearing with my life, but at the same time i wouldnt put my children in that environment.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 12/02/2008 15:07

I would be really sure that they're not going outside to smoke first

and then I would interfere (not sure what form that interference would take but something)

juuule · 12/02/2008 15:10

Are they doing this to the point that they can't look after the children?
Could you mention that it's no longer considered a good idea to smoke in an enclosed space where children are present?

Bangandthedirtisgone · 12/02/2008 15:12

There is something about cannabis that, for some reason, many people feel it is acceptable as smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. It's not seen in the same way Class A's.

Now, I, personally, wouldn't ever smoke cigarettes or cannabis in front of children (not that I smoke anything anyway). But, I think you may well find that if you tried to discuss this with them they'd be unlikely to see your point of view. I expect a lot of their peers smoke cannabis and don't see anything that wrong with it.

The bottom line is, nothing you do is likely to make them stop - they're adults and have made their decision to live like this. I, personally, would just accept that and keep out of it.

Bangandthedirtisgone · 12/02/2008 15:13

Just wanted to add that I don't consider alcohol or cigarettes to be "better" than cannabis either.

Remotew · 12/02/2008 15:16

I certainly would not report them. If you know them well enough mention in conversation that it could be harmful to smoke cannabis with the kids around then leave it at that.

Original poster
tillytally · 12/02/2008 15:20

I have spoke to them about it. Well to the mum. She is only very young so you can say things and know it wont turn into an argument.
She smoked it in her pregnancy and believes it helped her have easy labours!!!
I know for a fact that it is smoked in the same room as the children. Up to 4 or 5 people smoking it in a 1 bedroom tiny flat, so no way the kids can be away from it. I beleive they still look after the kids whilst smoking, but at the same time looking after them stoned ( is this really looking after them)
I know talking isnt going to stop them, but wondered if I told social services they would shock them into stopping.

At the same time I don't want to start something that results in the dc being taken away. I don't know what repecusions my actions would have. Or in fact what harm the smokey envirinment is really having on the dc. Am I thinking its worse than it is for them.

OP posts:
AandK · 12/02/2008 15:23

I don't think it's an age thing.
I'm a young mum and wouldn't dream of smoking anything near my child.
I don't even like friends smoking in their cars when my DS is in it.
These people are just not aware of the dangers or are just ignorant to it.
Unfortunatly there is nothing you can do.
Cannabis makes people very paranoid so if you speak to them about it it can make things really bad.
They will take offense to it and tell you you are interfering. They are not breaking the law it is legal to smoke cannabis on your own property.
Even if their HV/Dr knew all they could is advise them of the dangers.
The only thing that might help them is if one of their dc might become ill (heaven forbid) with asthma or bronchilitis!

MotherFunk · 12/02/2008 15:24

Message withdrawn

singyswife · 12/02/2008 15:25

Hi there, this one was of interest to me as I have a similar concern about one of my neighbours. I googled "effects of canabis smoke on children" and to be honest apart from a what you would expect to find with second hand smoke there wasnt actually any problems with it. They say that it might, might cause development delay if say the parent was smoking it while doing puzzles with the children etc but there is nothing to actually say that it is bad for them. I would like to add that I dont smoke and I definately do not condone this behaviour on front of children, after all they wouldnt inject in front of children, I just wanted to let you know what I had found out.

Bangandthedirtisgone · 12/02/2008 15:27

Ok, how young is "only very young"? I know a number of people in their 30s who see nothing wrong with smoking cannabis so I think it's a little patronising to put it down to her age.

You know for a fact that it's smoked in the same room as the children. How? Surely if they are in the bedroom then they are away from it. Do they have a balcony? Do they keep the windows open? I can't help but think that some of this is assumption on your part.

Next, yes, she's foolish for smoking it while pregnant, but people do smoke, drink, do all kinds of other risky things when pregnant. You can't control everybody's behaviour just because you wouldn't do it yourself (I wouldn't do it either, btw).

Lastly, involving social services is a ridiculous thing to do unless you know all the facts and that the children are being harmed.

Wisteria · 12/02/2008 15:31

Agree with MF - if you tell social services then they will have to do something which could even result in the dcs being put into care (although quite unlikely) which could have far more disastrous consequences to he children you are trying to protect. I would not want to be even partially responsible for that.

I know a fair few people who were brought up around weed smoking parents and although I don't agree with smoking anything in front of children, AFAIK weed smoke will not be any more detrimental to them than cigarette smoke. I hate seeing people smoking in cars and in rooms with children but I don't have the right to tell them how to live their lives.

Kif · 12/02/2008 15:34

I'd butt out. (excuse the pun) .

Kif · 12/02/2008 15:34

I'd butt out. (excuse the pun) .

AandK · 12/02/2008 15:35

Social services will not get involved in something as "trivial" as this. Believe me, they have much more serious cases going on than people smoking in the same area as children. Like a few people have already said cannabis is not seen as any more dangerous than cigarettes these days.

Kif · 12/02/2008 15:35

Double post! (sorry)

Remotew · 12/02/2008 15:35

You have already done as much as you should by voicing your concerns to the parents. I'm not sure what harm the cannibis smoke would do to a child. We are told smoke is harmful but plenty of adults were exposed to cigarette smoke when they were little and seem ok now. Same with 'unhealthy food' and 'squash'. But today its drummed into us that we were vitually abused as children. Better stop now as this feels like a rant.

Hopefully this young couple might wise up and bow to pressure to stop doing it in front of the kids without SS involved.

Original poster
tillytally · 12/02/2008 15:35

This is why I wanted to ask advice first. I do not want to set something rolling which is BU.

As for assumptions my dh has dropped of wages and seen the situaton. Windows all closed as cold day and couldnt afford to let heat out. No balcony. One bedroom flat but bedroom is a sort of annexe off the main room no door. So no way of escaping.

If the smoke doesnt affect the kids, then I will butt out.

I am sorry if people thought i was implying this was down to age, it wasnt, that is just my inability to express things well in writing. I was trying to say I had allready spoken to her about it, as I wasnt worried about doing this as she is young and looks up to me for advice on other things.

I know drugs are not just a thing for the young, and I know a few young mothers who do a better job that I do. So apologies if I upset anyone

OP posts:
Wisteria · 12/02/2008 15:39

I would be far more worried about the parents who get completely rat arsed around their little ones than puff a bit of weed actually.

eeewahwoowah · 12/02/2008 15:40

AandK. it is not legal to smoke cannabis on your own property. or on any property. cannabis is still illegal as I understand it.

Bangandthedirtisgone · 12/02/2008 15:41

Agree with Wisteria. I'd be more concerned if they were sh*tfaced and getting through 20 B+H a night than this.

duchesse · 12/02/2008 15:41

Personally on this one I'd think that unless the children are in imminent danger, then they are better off with their parents. Even better if those parents are not over stressed...

You say that seem well-cared for, but also that they are going without. Are they going without things that are not essentials?

It's hard in such a situation not to cast value judgments, and I am the last person who feels the need to be an apologist for drugs, but it could be that the weed is one of the glues of this little family. There are worse things in life than living in a 1 bed flat with your parents, and in my opinion, falling into the dubious if well-meaning care of social services is one of them, if you are not in imminent danger.

Whatever you decide to do, please bear in mind that the cards are already stacked against this young couple in the eyes of SS, by virtue of their age. Think very carefully about how much danger the children appear to be in before involving SS. It may be more friendly and helpful to the children to offer to babysit them occasionally so that the parents can go out alone. (obviously depends on your relationship with the parents).

Wisteria · 12/02/2008 15:42

A&K didn't say it was legal.

Twiglett · 12/02/2008 15:43

if they are rolling english-style (ie with tobacco) I'm sure you can get through them to them on the 'secondary smoke' angle .. which has been well-researched and documented

Wisteria · 12/02/2008 15:44

they may well be using rolling tobacco as opposed to fags as well in which case the smoke is less intrusive and suffocating IME, of which I have none whatsoever, obviously

duchesse · 12/02/2008 15:45

Also, how many of us were thrown beltless into the back of 1970s rusty pre-MOT deathtraps on wheels and forced to breathe second-hand smoke from full-strength Marlboroughs from both pissed parents?

Ah.

Just me then?

And it never did me any harm!