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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it BU to ask if it’s ok to do this at my daughters school?

322 replies

FamilyBusiness · 21/03/2023 23:42

Hi all, it’s my little ones birthday in April, she will be six. Her birthday falls on a day she’s in school. My oldest son (10) is in same school, he is booked in for a feeding tube to be fitted (Cystic Fibrosis related) on the 18th of April. So we will be celebrating my daughters birthday a week early. But, WIBU to ask their school if I could pay for an educational animal visit for my daughter & her whole class for her birthday it’s a one hour visit.

As she has Autism & is going to be distraught that her brother is going in hospital (I’m dreading it) & I think it would really cheer her up & take her mind off it especially going in to school on her Bday knowing her brother isn’t there that day. Even though we will be celebrating together the week before, he will be in hospital at the time & so she won’t see him in school that day.

I don’t want to email the headteacher if it’s a bad idea, it will be an educational visit with bunny’s, birds, insects, etc etc. Thanks

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 22/03/2023 07:58

Just read that it's not a trip out but the animals coming to school. Still not appropriate. Send in some cakes with your daughter to share in class.

MRex · 22/03/2023 08:00

I don't think it would hurt to offer. I'd suggest saying you can pay up to £X for something for the whole year group, such as the animal visit. The main issue is it isn't far away and activities are usually planned at least a term in advance. Teachers may be able to come up with something that does fit though. Good luck to all of you x

BreatheAndFocus · 22/03/2023 08:01

To me, it’s not about you paying for the animal visit - I’m sure the school would be happy with a donation - it’s about you wanting the visit to be on your DD’s birthday. I don’t think you can or should specify that. Which basically means the visit could happen on any day if you donated money, so wouldn’t serve the purpose you wanted for it.

Octopusmittens · 22/03/2023 08:02

MrsDoylesDoily · 21/03/2023 23:54

I'd say absolutely not because the school would probably ask where it would end?

By the end of term every parent whose child has a birthday on a school day, would probably want the same thing and there are not enough hours in a school day I'm afraid.

Plus, what about all the other kids in the school who are not in your DD's class? It's hardly fair on them.

Nice idea though, could you not use your garden if you have one or see if you can hire a hall with an outside space?

Plus, what about all the other kids in the school who are not in your DD's class? It's hardly fair on them.

Don’t be so ridiculous of course it’s ‘fair’ they’re not in the same class. The sense of entitlement that is encouraged among some kids astounds me.

Northernparent68 · 22/03/2023 08:02

one Problem is your daughter is bound to tell her class you paid and the other children will ask their parents to pay for something, and a lot won’t be able to afford it.

3luckystars · 22/03/2023 08:07

Well nobody ever knew that I paid for it when I did it. Only the principal knew and the parents thought the school organised it.

inappropriateraspberry · 22/03/2023 08:08

In principle, the thought is lovely, but doing it as a treat for your daughter is what I think is making us feel it's wrong. If it was something you'd seen and thought the class would enjoy, fine.
Doing it as a distraction for your daughter is wrong. Are you going to treat her like this every time something clashes with her birthday or your son is in hospital?

Original poster
FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 08:08

I’ve just had a moment to read all the new comments. Thank you for the kind ones & constructive comments as well.

I wouldn’t be bothered if the school just told the parents that there’d been an animal educational visit organised. It wouldn’t need to be “It’s xyz birthday we have an animal visit for her” Nobody would’ve had to know just the teacher.

Anyway, it was just a thought last night in bed, I wasn’t planning on strolling into the school to ask or emailing them. Simple idea I had.

I can’t organise a party as my son will be in hospital as his OP is the 18th & my little girls birthday is a few days after. The idea was, I pay for her class to get an educational visit whilst she’s in school, whilst I am at the hospital from 9:30/2:30 then go home to pick her up & his dad takes over & stays overnight with him.

There was no malice in my idea, I didn’t want the school to change any curriculum & if they’d have said No I would’ve completely understood. It’s no biggie. Id have offered to pay for a whole day visit for the whole school, I wouldn’t like to leave any kid out if I could avoid it.

It was just mum guilt that I would be sending her into school on her birthday, without her big brother & I know she’d be having meltdowns as they usually go in together. I can’t ask my family to mind her as she just won’t go to anyone else only me or her dad. Mostly me as she’s really clingy to me.

I don’t think my child is more precious than any of her class mates, I don’t want to force anyone to celebrate my child’s birthday. It was a genuine idea & I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad one. I won’t be going ahead with asking.

Thanks for the kind replies. X

OP posts:
Owlatnight · 22/03/2023 08:09

If your daughter has autism, she might already be upset that day and not enjoy it . Probably best if everything is as normal as possible

DDivaStar · 22/03/2023 08:13

The thoughts nice but they can't do it for just one child in one class and thet couldnt accomadate it for many children.

Why not hire a local hall and do it at a weekend ?

Original poster
FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 08:14

@inappropriateraspberry Yes, I will be doing something to make both my kids feel special when one of them is having an Operation (My son) I’d do anything to make them feel special tbh when times are hard. It’s nice to cheer them up in anyway I can. My time is potentially short on this earth with my son & every minute with him is precious. I want to make their lives fun, full of memories. It was just an idea. Nothing was set in stone.

OP posts:
babybythesea · 22/03/2023 08:16

I haven’t got time to read the thread -sorry.
However. I work in a school. We’d listen to the request. We could go either way with it. No issues with allergies etc - it’s just whether we have time. But equally there’s a unit on classification of animals that often starts after Easter. It is so useful if the children have actually seen and touched animals, especially reptiles, as it helps make sense of body coverings like scales.
Also trips have got so expensive with coach fares etc. But we still want the children to have that experience. This might solve a problem like that.
You don’t know unless you ask. We’d certainly consider it.

DDivaStar · 22/03/2023 08:17

Could you could arrange to meet to go in together if she'll be sad to be on her own ?

C152 · 22/03/2023 08:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It would be a lovely thing to do.
My son's school arranged for a small animal visit for his class last year. They thought it would be good for the kids to see and touch animals they may not necessarily have had the chance to before, and it worked really well. Not sure why you've got such a hard time from some posters. My school did the same thing when I was in infants school nearly 40 years ago.

I would just ask the class teacher their thoughts and, if they think it would work, contact the head (or let the class teacher follow it up; whatever the process is at your child's school).

I hope your son's op goes well, OP. x

Hairfriar · 22/03/2023 08:21

I'd bite your hand off if I was a head. This sort of visit used to happen all the time in primary, but funding cuts mean they can barely afford staff anymore. Children aren't getting the same wide educational experiences they used to. So if a parent offered to pay for an educational experience, I'd bite their hand off.

I'd discuss this with the head. Maybe look at the topic they're doing at the moment and find an activity that your daughter would like, and will make her say a bit more special, but that fits in with the curriculum.

Original poster
FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 08:21

@DDivaStar Id love too but I have to be at the hospital from 9:30 until 2/30 whilst their dad goes to work, then I have to drive back to get her for 3pm & their dad comes back to the hospital to take over. If that makes sense. That will be our routine for the next 2/3 weeks. I will alternate with sleeping over with him also. So everything is in the air when he goes into hospital as it’s not just a one stop visit. It’s always a few weeks of IVs after any anaesthetic.

My little girl has an amazing 1-1 who will be there for her & I’ll stay with her for some cuddles in the morning then her 1-1 will take over so I can drive up to the hospital

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 22/03/2023 08:23

Orangesandlemons82 · 21/03/2023 23:53

I think the risk assessments that staff would have to undertake would make it a no. Some children may have allergies when with birds and animals in a confined space so logistically it would be a nightmare

The people who do animal visits usually have their own risk assessments the school can use.

It's worth asking. They can only say no.

ParkrunPlodder · 22/03/2023 08:24

LavenderFields7 · 21/03/2023 23:53

headteacher at my kids school would absolutely love this. They have animals visit twice a year. Go for it! The worst they can say is no. I think it’s a fab idea.

It’s a lovely idea but I think linking it to a child in the class’s birthday creates issues of disparity as you can’t feasibly do that for all the kids.

Original poster
FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 08:27

@ParkrunPlodder I understand & I did say I’d be more than happy to not say it’s for my daughters birthday. Just the headteacher would know it was, but nobody else would have to know. The school could say they funded it. But it’s not going ahead with anyway because I’m not asking.

OP posts:
Choconut · 22/03/2023 08:30

Could you do something after school? A little tea party for her and a couple of her friends or something? I think it's a lovely idea having the animals in school but logistics wise it's probably not as simple as it sounds for the school.

Original poster
FamilyBusiness · 22/03/2023 08:31

@Choconut I love the idea but after school I’m going back up the hospital so she can see her brother with some of her birthday cake

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 22/03/2023 08:32

The sch will not do this as it would be unfair if they didn’t do the same for all the kids.

spelunky · 22/03/2023 08:34

It's a lovely idea OP. I think sending her in with some cupcakes or something is more appropriate though, and just letting the teacher know what is going on.

With anything involving animals there would be a lot of paperwork for the school to complete which would take at least 2-3 hours of teacher time outside of the session. They would have a responsibility for all of the children's safety, so they would have to contact the company and get all their details and risk assessments, ensure there's a first aider in case someone gets bitten, do their own risk assessment, probably need an extra teaching assistant etc etc.

So, I think it would be a lot of work and they would likely not be able to do it.

Maybe you could do something like this outside of school as a birthday treat for your daughter, after your son has had his treatment?

I hope it all goes well for him, good luck.

Hairfriar · 22/03/2023 08:38

Having caught up with all your responses now, @FamilyBusiness, I'd like to say:

Firstly, hope the operation goes well.
Secondly, try not to let the mum guilt get to you. You're clearly bending over backwards to support both of your children during a stressful time, but going to school on a child's birthday is normal and is not something to feel guilt over.
Thirdly, schools usually make a big deal about a child's birthday and I know lots of children (I work in primary) who are upset because their birthday isn't on a school day so they can't stand up in assembly and get a sticker.

I'd definitely mention your worry to the class teacher and I'm sure they'll do everything they can to make your daughter feel special that day. It's what id do if I was her teacher.

thirdistheonewiththehairychest · 22/03/2023 08:39

FamilyBusiness · 21/03/2023 23:57

@Brunilde Oh, sorry you think it’s cheeky for cheering a child up & her class mates too. But ok.

But if you wanted to do that, you could do it in your own time couldn't you? It's a lovely thought but you obviously have no idea the amount of pressure schools are under (from the government, from Ofsted, from parents like you who are coming to them with all sorts of other requests).

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