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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Major disagreements with DH when it comes to DC snacks..

95 replies

PinkTeacup · 21/03/2023 21:15

Hoping for some advice and perspective on if I’m being unreasonable here…

DH and I have a 4 year old DD, and we completely disagree when it comes to allowing her treats. Most other areas we’re on the same page however the treat situation is causing major issues for us.

DH is very much into health and nutrition and only wants DD to be given healthy food which I’m completely on the same page with, I follow a good diet myself so it comes naturally. However DH is very restrictive when it comes to allowing dd treats. For example if we allowed her some chocolate, this would only be once a week and it would be the tiniest amount e.g 2-3 chocolate buttons. My opinion is let her have the whole bag (they’re only small treat size bags). Another example when she’s been to a birthday party he makes sure we’ve removed sweets from the party bag before we give it to her. For context her diet overall is very good, she eats a lot of fruit and veg and we don’t have ready meals/oven food. The biggest issue is when dd is being looked after by grandparents, DH always questions what she’s eaten (which is fine) but if I’ve allowed her to have a small treat whilst there as a one off It causes arguements. Recent example was DD being allowed cornflakes as a snack (he sees this as a treat) when we had let her have ice cream one day at the weekend. My opinion which i make clear is this is not a problem and shouldn’t be causing rows, its a bowl of cornflakes. Theres worse snacks she could be having. I feel shes a child, let her have a treat its not going to make her make bad dietary decisions in the future. Im not saying to go mad and give her everything and anything, but let her enjoy a small treat here and there. she’s only 3 so she doesn’t need masses, I’m sensible in what I allow her.
Its got to a point where he feels I’m not listening to him or respecting his views as I do allow her small treats, it majorly kicks off if shes had something. but what he can’t see is that I already do compromise with him e.g with the cornflakes, i don’t see this as a treat but appreciate that he does, so i offer this as a treat. I feel that he’s not allowing me to make decisions and when I do it causes arguments and I just can’t continue focusing so much energy on this.
AIBU here, should I listen more and follow what he wants for her?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTeacup · 21/03/2023 21:17

Shes only 4*

OP posts:
racquel86 · 21/03/2023 21:18

YANBU - omg! Cornflakes is a healthy snack, dear god, tell him to get a grip 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

ihateaparade · 21/03/2023 21:19

He sounds very controlling...who is the primary caregiver?

Gymmum82 · 21/03/2023 21:20

If you restrict it too much it makes them want it even more. I let mine have 2 ‘treats’ per day. Usually crisps and a chocolate bar. They know once they’ve had them no more. Healthy eating is fine but when it’s that restrictive that she can’t even have a party bag it’s gone too far

pinkthree · 21/03/2023 21:21

By restricting her so much I would worry that she will end up binging when she is older

mynameiscalypso · 21/03/2023 21:21

Well, he's setting her up for a lifetime of fucked up eating habits. In a few years, she'll be binging in secret if he keeps this up.

ImAGoodPerson · 21/03/2023 21:21

My mum made huge fuss over healthy food etc and being healthy weight and I ended up with an eating disorder. I am in my 40s and still have a dreadful relationship with food.

He seems way OTT with it all, she sounds like she has a great diet and the odd treat is fine. Party bags should have sweets in and that's when kids eat too many but in reality it hurts no one.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/03/2023 21:21

Jesus. She will end up going crazy with treats later as you are restricting them so much.

Why is he so strict with it?

Ffsmakeitstop · 21/03/2023 21:22

mynameiscalypso · 21/03/2023 21:21

Well, he's setting her up for a lifetime of fucked up eating habits. In a few years, she'll be binging in secret if he keeps this up.

Precisely this.

SnarkyBag · 21/03/2023 21:22

Sounds like an eating disorder waiting to happen. He sounds like a controlling prick tbh

nutbrownhare15 · 21/03/2023 21:28

I too would be worrying about his controlling behaviour in relation to food and how it will impact her. This article has some useful advice on sugar and snacks. kidseatincolor.com/19-tips-for-managing-sugar/ Is he able to reflect on his own relationship with food since he was a child?

19 Tips for Managing Sugar - Kids Eat in Color

Here are some tips from a dietitian for helping little ones grow up without being obsessed with sugar or sugary foods.

https://kidseatincolor.com/19-tips-for-managing-sugar

Cloverforever · 21/03/2023 21:28

So, you have to do as you're told then basically?

Meandfour · 21/03/2023 21:31

this is an eating disorder waiting to happen. I would actually be very concerned about this level of control.

timesogin · 21/03/2023 21:32

He needs to understand that 'healthy' for kids is not the same as 'healthy' for adults. And that she needs to learn to have a varied and balanced diet which includes all types of food.
Teaching that some foods are bad or not really allowed is setting her up for real difficulties with food and eating as she grows up
It so normal for kids to have chocolate and cereal ffs.
I think you know this. So why does he have all the power?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:34

Your poor dd. Maybe tell him if your marriage becomes a series of rows and you divorce then 50% of dd's life she will be eating what you deem appropriate.. And it won't be fucking cornflakes...

Whyisitsososohard · 21/03/2023 21:36

He sounds really controlling. Is he like this in any other areas of life? I find it hard to believe he's all laid back and nice in every aspect of your lives except this one.

Also he's absolutely setting her up for a life of fucked up eating with this approach.

Reluctantadult · 21/03/2023 21:37

I was going to mention kids eat in color as pp did - it's a great site / Facebook / Instagram.

RoundLikeaCircle · 21/03/2023 21:38

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Give your DH a big old string of red flags.

It sounds like HE has an eating disorder if he needs to exert this much control over not only his own eating, but everyone elses as well.

These are the building blocks for your DD to end up with all sorts of problems, not least her own eating disorder, but possibly other issues that highly controlling parents cause in their children.

My parents were obsessed with me eating meat, even though (I now know) I had dreadful sensory issues around eating it and they would force me to sit for hours at a plate of cold food or ‘have it for breakfast the next day’. I ended up eating a terribly unhealthy veggie diet and binge eating in secret. It’s taken me 30+ years to finally recognise what happened to me.

Botw1 · 21/03/2023 21:38

Why is he constantly questioning what she's eaten?

You say that's fair enough but its really not. Its not at all normal

How's he going to cope when she's bigger and starts rebelling ?

Danikm151 · 21/03/2023 21:38

She needs a varied and balanced diet.
80/20 works for all.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 21/03/2023 21:41

Eating disorder waiting to happen. You seriously need to get him speaking to child psychologist about the impact of this etc before your child is left with a lifetime issue.

carriedout · 21/03/2023 21:42

I would worry he is being overtly controlling, and this could cause issues, but on some of the principles of what he is saying I agree.

Cornflakes are not really healthy, and we removed the sweets from party bags if we got the chance.

What we were careful to do was do all of this under the radar - so if they saw the sweets we left them, if they didn't we just removed them.

We pretty much never had chocolate in the house when they were small, but at parties or whatever we just let them eat what they wanted.

Could you strike a compromise where you don't have any crap in the house and she is left to her own devices outside the house?

travelmad · 21/03/2023 21:43

I teach in a secondary school and one girl in my old tutor group was not allowed to eat any sugar at all (unless it was fruit). She openly told me she gorged as much chocolate and sweets as she could while she was at school when her parents couldn't see what she was eating. She'd give money to other students to bring her junk food in. Poor kid had such a messed up relationship with food and ended up eventually with an eating disorder.

I'm of the firm belief of everything in moderation.

Ostagazuzulum · 21/03/2023 21:43

This is an eating disorder waiting to happen. I speak from experience. DD has free access. Sweets and chocolate don't bother her because it isn't seen as a treat, it's a food and a choice. She can have a bar of chocolate and ignore it for weeks.

LarryStylinson · 21/03/2023 21:44

Cornflakes are a treat? 😮
I grew up with two parents like your husband although I strongly suspect they both went beyond just trying to be healthy and there were eating disorders involved. I now am a plus sized lady with seriously disordered eating. Don't let him set her up for a life of this