Major disagreements with DH when it comes to DC snacks..

[PinkTeacup]

Hoping for some advice and perspective on if I’m being unreasonable here…

DH and I have a 4 year old DD, and we completely disagree when it comes to allowing her treats. Most other areas we’re on the same page however the treat situation is causing major issues for us.

DH is very much into health and nutrition and only wants DD to be given healthy food which I’m completely on the same page with, I follow a good diet myself so it comes naturally. However DH is very restrictive when it comes to allowing dd treats. For example if we allowed her some chocolate, this would only be once a week and it would be the tiniest amount e.g 2-3 chocolate buttons. My opinion is let her have the whole bag (they’re only small treat size bags). Another example when she’s been to a birthday party he makes sure we’ve removed sweets from the party bag before we give it to her. For context her diet overall is very good, she eats a lot of fruit and veg and we don’t have ready meals/oven food. The biggest issue is when dd is being looked after by grandparents, DH always questions what she’s eaten (which is fine) but if I’ve allowed her to have a small treat whilst there as a one off It causes arguements. Recent example was DD being allowed cornflakes as a snack (he sees this as a treat) when we had let her have ice cream one day at the weekend. My opinion which i make clear is this is not a problem and shouldn’t be causing rows, its a bowl of cornflakes. Theres worse snacks she could be having. I feel shes a child, let her have a treat its not going to make her make bad dietary decisions in the future. Im not saying to go mad and give her everything and anything, but let her enjoy a small treat here and there. she’s only 3 so she doesn’t need masses, I’m sensible in what I allow her.
Its got to a point where he feels I’m not listening to him or respecting his views as I do allow her small treats, it majorly kicks off if shes had something. but what he can’t see is that I already do compromise with him e.g with the cornflakes, i don’t see this as a treat but appreciate that he does, so i offer this as a treat. I feel that he’s not allowing me to make decisions and when I do it causes arguments and I just can’t continue focusing so much energy on this.
AIBU here, should I listen more and follow what he wants for her?

I absolutely agree with @Meandfour .

We had a sweetie cart at our wedding reception. Most people took a few sweets. The children who took the most and were literally shovelling sweeties into their mouths were the 3 children that had been prevented from eating sweets occasionally. They were the same children that were not allowed to watch any tv so would always be glued to tv if they visit anyone with a tv.

your DH sounds horribly controlling.

The dc I've known controlled in this way have been obsessed with sweets, snacks and food. I've always been relaxed with mine and they just aren't bothered. Same has gone for extreme restriction of screens. It's important to find the balance. The odd treat is fine.

I also think this is setting your dd up for an eating disorder. Everything in moderation. It’s amazing how easy it is to mess a child’s life up. My dd’s friend isn’t allowed to do so much stuff as apparently everything is too dangerous. I’ve encouraged her friend to go a little beyond what she’s been led to believe her limits are (in a very safe way) as it’s very limiting for her friend.

100%

Also cornflakes as a treat 😵‍💫

I’d urge your DH to listen to the chapter on children and how to talk to them about foods “Your weight is not the problem” by Lyndi Cohen. Your DH’s attitude and behaviour is a recipe for a disordered relationship with food for your child. His relationship with food probably isn’t healthy and he’s modelling that for his child. I have suffered with eating disorders from a parent forcing their views on me and apparently that’s really common (the stats are in the book) where parents also have disordered eating.

Demonising food like this to such a young child is not a good idea.
I was so strict when DS 2 was two, he didn’t have chocolate until he was 3 so I do understand wanting her to eat healthily. However in life as she gets older she’s going to go to things where he can’t control the food and she needs to be able to manage that.

my DS was a treat monster when I was restricting his snacks to fruit and veg only (it also gave him a bit of a dodgy tummy) and was constantly asking for snacks and treats. Now I’ve relaxed and he’s allowed biscuits, he has crisps, the occasional piece of chocolate, he isn’t as fussed as is quite happy with a banana. If he sees his nanny she is a menace and always has a bag full of treats that I wouldn’t give him but my
nan did the same!

I think it’s really sad that he treats you this way - how does he act if you have a “treat”
dows he control your food too? It doesn’t sound like he actually is that healthy in terms of his relationship to food to be honest.

he would have a complete meltdown if he saw what I gave DS now!

His views on sweets and healthy eating are not the problem. It's not a mainstream view, but it's healthy and he has a point about limiting sugar. I've seen a number of dc brought up like this - dessert is almonds or raisins - and no, it does not lead directly to eating disorders or obesity. The parents self-justifying crisps and chocolate as the pathway to good eating are just as suspect.

But the problem isn't food. It's that he's controlling you. You disagree about this issue (and likely others). He does not get to dictate your parenting.

He's not going to get 100% what he wants here. Neither are you. You need to come to an agreement and stick to it. And move on. Not re-arguing the same issue over and over. If he can't compromise on this, I dread you two facing the tween and teen years.

And he's not wrong about Cornflakes. They're rubbish, nutritionally.

Also, he is trying to control DD it seems to me. I think you are right to be concerned.
The way you and DP/DH relate to DD is getting far too tied up in what she is or isn’t eating and what she is having as a ‘treat’.
I’m worried that this focus on her having/not having certain foods could set her up for an eating disorder or other self esteem issues.
Wondering how you can get DP to reflect on his views on this …. He seems to be digging in in response to you.

He's going give her a bloody eating disorder if he's not careful. If he's labling food as good or bad he's creating a judgemental picture in her head around food.

Parents of obese children are more likely to directly restrict their child's intake of sweets

My post was intended to be direct to OP

yanbu and he is being an over-controlling arsehole. he needs to get a grip urgently as having a parent with that kind of micromanagement attitude can trigger eating disorders as the child tries to work out who they are in the world.

does he try to control you too?

The cornflakes thing I agree is messed up and it all does sound a real source of difficulty in your relationship. It must be hard living like this.
However. I think that 3 choc buttons for a 3 year old is a treat and I don’t see the need to give a whole bag of something to a little child. I decide the portion for my child, not Cadburys. So I think he’s got a point in this respect. I also take out some sweets from party bags because sometimes there are loads in there and DD might have already been at a party the day before, and she is so thrilled with the toys in party bags that she doesn’t need sweets too. It’s about her teeth more than anything and her behaviour after a load is sweets. So I do think some moderation is sensible and fine and doesn’t automatically equal eating disorder territory. I bake with my daughter - sees the family enjoying cake together, and we have a bit of Nutella on pancakes at the weekends etc. we have an ice cream on a day out sometimes (not every time). But that’s about as much as I’m happy with.

I feel a bit worried now. I don't have a sweet tooth, so there are never sweets/cakes/biscuits/chocolate etc in the house.
My 3-year old twins never ask for these treats, since they never see them. Now I'm worried I'm setting them up to gorge whenever they do have access to them.

I'm not very strict outside the house - Eg they have ice cream at grannies, a biscuit in playgroup, they asked for cupcakes the other day so I bought them, they occasionally have PomBears at home.

Once they're a bit older and start asking for treats like this, then I'll get some, but it'll be in moderation.

As others have said it's the fact he thinks you are his subordinate in decision making that's the main issue.

Is he controlling in other ways?
Does he expect you to submit to him in decisions and child rearing?

My neighbour growing up had a dad like this.

I could get her to do anything for a packet of sweets.

(I never did anything bad - it was usually my chores!)

It's focussing on unhealthy foods bring treats that is weird, he is creating a positive reinforcement of the very thing that he doesn't want to. She is going to get more excited about them. Best to have a mixture as snack like chopped apple with couple of choc buttons in now and again .
And please don't grill grandparents just give them list of off limits food and trust them

I have a different view from most people here. Restricting sweets/treats does not necessarily lead to an eating disorder. I have two nieces (sisters) whose parents have always been extremely strict about what they eat. No processed foods, no sweets, etc. They are now in their late teens with very sensible and healthy food habits. They enjoy the wholesome foods they have grown up with and don't seek out the erstwhile 'forbidden' foods despite the fact that they can now gorge on them outside of the home if they wanted to.
On the other hand, my parents were extremely permissive. My brother and I could eat whatever we wanted. My brother is now battling a lifelong sugar addiction. Sometimes he will eat an entire meal composed only of chocolate and crisps. I eat very healthily. I don't restrict calories and eat as much as I want, but I eat only whole foods that I cook myself from scratch. I eat desserts in moderation, all homemade with good quality ingredients.
My cousin has two children (5 and 8). She practices moderation in her household like everyone here is preaching. One kid is fine. E.g., if they are each allowed two scoops of ice cream, he may only have half a scoop or one scoop depending on how he feels. He never begs for sweets. He actually likes the taste of wholesome foods and eats a balanced diet without being forced. The other is sugar mad. If given two scoops of ice cream, he'll eat it all and beg for a third. If you refuse, he will throw a tantrum, cry, beg, steal to get what he wants. But if you give him three scoops the next time, he'll want a fourth and so on. So my view is that there isn't one approach that fits every child, and the exact same approach can lead to completely different outcomes. I see a lot of people on this thread saying they have an eating disorder because their parents restricted foods when they were young. But perhaps in some cases they are putting the blame on their parents because it is easier than blaming themselves or other circumstances that led to the disordered eating? Plenty of people get eating disorders despite a perfectly reasonable upbringing regarding food and vice versa.

What ever you decide, please stop arguing and discussing and making a big fuss over your DDs food in her hearing.
Just provide her with healthy food, day to day, and don't make a fuss when she has treats at a party or with Granny or with you. It is the food fight that is the worst.

I think a big part is putting these things on a pedestal and making such a big deal like OP’s OH.

We limit treats at home by not having many in, but I dont police grandparents etc and don’t make a fuss about it being “unhealthy”