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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Major disagreements with DH when it comes to DC snacks..

95 replies

PinkTeacup · 21/03/2023 21:15

Hoping for some advice and perspective on if I’m being unreasonable here…

DH and I have a 4 year old DD, and we completely disagree when it comes to allowing her treats. Most other areas we’re on the same page however the treat situation is causing major issues for us.

DH is very much into health and nutrition and only wants DD to be given healthy food which I’m completely on the same page with, I follow a good diet myself so it comes naturally. However DH is very restrictive when it comes to allowing dd treats. For example if we allowed her some chocolate, this would only be once a week and it would be the tiniest amount e.g 2-3 chocolate buttons. My opinion is let her have the whole bag (they’re only small treat size bags). Another example when she’s been to a birthday party he makes sure we’ve removed sweets from the party bag before we give it to her. For context her diet overall is very good, she eats a lot of fruit and veg and we don’t have ready meals/oven food. The biggest issue is when dd is being looked after by grandparents, DH always questions what she’s eaten (which is fine) but if I’ve allowed her to have a small treat whilst there as a one off It causes arguements. Recent example was DD being allowed cornflakes as a snack (he sees this as a treat) when we had let her have ice cream one day at the weekend. My opinion which i make clear is this is not a problem and shouldn’t be causing rows, its a bowl of cornflakes. Theres worse snacks she could be having. I feel shes a child, let her have a treat its not going to make her make bad dietary decisions in the future. Im not saying to go mad and give her everything and anything, but let her enjoy a small treat here and there. she’s only 3 so she doesn’t need masses, I’m sensible in what I allow her.
Its got to a point where he feels I’m not listening to him or respecting his views as I do allow her small treats, it majorly kicks off if shes had something. but what he can’t see is that I already do compromise with him e.g with the cornflakes, i don’t see this as a treat but appreciate that he does, so i offer this as a treat. I feel that he’s not allowing me to make decisions and when I do it causes arguments and I just can’t continue focusing so much energy on this.
AIBU here, should I listen more and follow what he wants for her?

OP posts:
evergreen2 · 21/03/2023 23:08

ED waiting to happen. He's going to poison her life with this.
He's going to demonise foods as 'bad' and that's going to cause her to feel shame when she eats them.

Show him this thread.

evergreen2 · 21/03/2023 23:08

Also cornflakes aren't a treat.
And that alone shows he isn't educated on nutrition at all. So why are you listening to him?

mynameiscalypso · 21/03/2023 23:40

Dibbydoos · 21/03/2023 22:49

So your DH is right if you want your DD to live a long healthy life. If you want her to get hooked on sugar like most of us are, then let her have more snacks like choclate or sweets, but she will live less long and it may affect her health.

Most of us don't think long-term like this but if we knew that giving kids treats meant they'd live a decade less long, I suspect we'd all think about it a little harder.

My kids didn't have fizzy drinks until in their teens, they still prefer water but will also drink pressed juice/smoothies. Neither eat lots of sweets/chocolate either, though we didn't go out to restrict those, they both chose fruit/yoghurt as snacks. I like to think their diet is healthier than mine, so generationally, DH and I made progress, which I hope means thry have good health and longevity.

I don't disagree that it would be better for children, in particular, not to eat too much sugar but the OP's DH is not going about it the right way and his approach is totally counter productive as it will probably end up with more sugar being consumed.

Yellowdays · 21/03/2023 23:45

The entire notion of chocolate or sweets as a "treat" is weird, though, isn't it? I'd give them occasionally -less than weekly-and not as a treat.

Also 2 treats a day is a lot by any standard.

Azandme · 22/03/2023 00:08

"Its got to a point where he feels I’m not listening to him or respecting his views as I do allow her small treats...I feel that he’s not allowing me to make decisions and when I do it causes arguments...
AIBU here, should I listen more and follow what he wants for her?"

What about him listening to YOU and respecting YOUR views? Or are his the only ones that matter?

He's forcing his way onto you and your dd - and if that wasn't bad enough, his way is really unhealthy!

Geppili · 22/03/2023 01:34

My mother did this to me. I developed secret night eating and developed chronic depression because of the control. I have had a life long issue with food. I have overeaten treats all my adult life. Your husband sounds so controlling of you and her. Tell him to fuck off with his Stazi like routines.

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/03/2023 02:33

What a prick. Ltb before your dd ends up bulimic or anorexic

Sugargliderwombat · 22/03/2023 02:44

This isn't promoting healthy food habits. Your child is going to end up with no self regulation skills if they can't even have a bowl of cornflakes!

Timetochangetheoil · 22/03/2023 02:58

You know this isn’t healthy, Op. I feel for you as it’s horrible to be in battle with your spouse, but I think it is important that you challenge him on this because of the impact on your child.

I don’t think he is completely wrong, there is a huge problem with kids eating junk. I was quite strict with my 5 year old for her toddler years. But your husband won’t be able to control her eating forever, all she will be left with is the memory of “good food,” and “bad,” and a template of an extremely unhealthy relationship with food.

RobinRobinMouse · 22/03/2023 04:43

All of the above, but also why do you feel you need to report back to your husband? It just seems ridiculous, I cannot imagine my dh wanting a full breakdown of the food dd has eaten just so he can decide if it was acceptable or not.

Mortimercat · 22/03/2023 04:53

I would split up with him over this. It does not bode well.

tatalan · 22/03/2023 04:57

He's going to give her an eating disorder and your daughter as an adult is going to wonder why you sat back and watch it happen.

Whichnumbers · 22/03/2023 04:58

Dividing foods up and revering to them as treats is as if you’re training a dog.

itsabigtree · 22/03/2023 05:02

If he's getting cross about a bowl of cornflakes, I would be worried about how he will try and control other freedoms in her life as she grows. Controlling fathers are very damaging.

carriedout · 22/03/2023 05:29

evergreen2 · 21/03/2023 23:08

Also cornflakes aren't a treat.
And that alone shows he isn't educated on nutrition at all. So why are you listening to him?

Cornflakes are neither a treat nor a nutritional food! They have no real place in a healthy human diet IMO.

But that's an aside from the main issue which is how this is being approached.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2023 05:37

Sound familiar?

www.healthline.com/nutrition/orthorexia-nervosa-101

MaPaSpa · 22/03/2023 05:38

Going to go against the grain and agree with DH, the way he is going about it is all wrong and a bit controlling but I don’t think small children need more than a small bit of chocolate. Why can’t a treat be extra fancy fruit or something interesting.

I think a whole chocolate bar for 4 year old is nuts behaviour. The nhs is begging people to feed their children responsibly because all the children’s teeth are rotting.

what is the the reccommended aily amount of processed auger for a 4 y/o? Why not creat different habits, so they don’t associate, treats (endorphins) with cake and chocolate.

then again this is my own upbringing so maybe that’s why I skew towards it. Iand am not that partial to chocolate unless PMS.

MaPaSpa · 22/03/2023 05:40

Yellowdays · 21/03/2023 23:45

The entire notion of chocolate or sweets as a "treat" is weird, though, isn't it? I'd give them occasionally -less than weekly-and not as a treat.

Also 2 treats a day is a lot by any standard.

It is very weird, I don’t think it’s a good way to associate food really. Some food is healthy and unhealthy and it’s good to have unhealthy foods in moderation. That’s it.

Whooyou · 22/03/2023 05:44

She'll be in a binge eat cycle by the times she's 8. Good God. Read what you've written love, you will have an unhappy child/teenager on your hands when she realizes her friends don't have this with their parents

Thoughtful2355 · 22/03/2023 05:52

I had this, im not obese. I dont want to blame anyone but it didnt help growing up so restricted. as soon as i had more freedom and couldnt be contorolled i spiralled. Im now in my 30s and have been trying to sort myself out for years but im going against years of food trauma.

I agree with keeping diets healthy BUT you need to learn about control and portioning in a healthy way, not controlled. a good mixture of healthy and "bad" is good.

Madamecastafiore · 22/03/2023 06:08

She'll be the kid filling her pockets with jammy dodgers at parties if you're not careful. My nephew had a very restricted diet due to his bat shit crazy parents and would literally steal any sort of sugary treat he could as he grew up and now has a very unhealthy attitude to food. My lot had treats here and there and it was never made to be a big deal. DS would probably eat a bowl of cereal over anything else (not sugary cereal) and DD has to be watched carefully or she'll polish off a fruit bowl full of apples. You need to get to a place where it's balanced and not treat sugary or unhealthy food as a reward or treat so to speak.

DearHorse · 22/03/2023 06:17

EyesOnThePies · 21/03/2023 22:23

He sounds obsessive and controlling, or else fraught with anxiety over your DD’s health.

He needs to understand that a habit of healthy eating can’t be built by controlling every mouthful your Dd takes as if she was a lab rat, but by giving her the opportunity to choose and regulate her own eating and understand what healthy is, what enjoyment is, and what function food plays in her life.

I don’t know if there is a good book about this?

There is a good book on this! It is called Fearless Feeding, it is really well researched, talks about feeding styles and why we as adults might feed our children in the way that we do. It also discusses how to deal with sweet/less heathy foods.

The book discusses how it is important not to demonize sweets, but also not to overindulge, as both can make sweets more desirable. A balance needs to be struck. You and your husband should have a sit down conversation on what that balance should look like for your family and DD.

Oblomov23 · 22/03/2023 06:20

Very controlling. This is abusive.

WeWereInParis · 22/03/2023 06:33

Cornflakes aren't a treat, but I wouldn't call them a healthy snack either.

I think he does sound controlling and I really don't like the sound of him quizzing her on what she's eaten outside the house - but I do agree with some of it. My DD (3.5) went to a party at the weekend and while I have no issue with the cake in her party bag, I did throw away two hard candy lollies that were in there (chupa chups?). I know some people will criticise me but I don't think those are ok for a 3 year old (part of this is because I think they're a choking hazard though).

Hence · 22/03/2023 06:35

Is this your PFB and only child?