Major disagreements with DH when it comes to DC snacks..

[PinkTeacup]

Hoping for some advice and perspective on if I’m being unreasonable here…

DH and I have a 4 year old DD, and we completely disagree when it comes to allowing her treats. Most other areas we’re on the same page however the treat situation is causing major issues for us.

DH is very much into health and nutrition and only wants DD to be given healthy food which I’m completely on the same page with, I follow a good diet myself so it comes naturally. However DH is very restrictive when it comes to allowing dd treats. For example if we allowed her some chocolate, this would only be once a week and it would be the tiniest amount e.g 2-3 chocolate buttons. My opinion is let her have the whole bag (they’re only small treat size bags). Another example when she’s been to a birthday party he makes sure we’ve removed sweets from the party bag before we give it to her. For context her diet overall is very good, she eats a lot of fruit and veg and we don’t have ready meals/oven food. The biggest issue is when dd is being looked after by grandparents, DH always questions what she’s eaten (which is fine) but if I’ve allowed her to have a small treat whilst there as a one off It causes arguements. Recent example was DD being allowed cornflakes as a snack (he sees this as a treat) when we had let her have ice cream one day at the weekend. My opinion which i make clear is this is not a problem and shouldn’t be causing rows, its a bowl of cornflakes. Theres worse snacks she could be having. I feel shes a child, let her have a treat its not going to make her make bad dietary decisions in the future. Im not saying to go mad and give her everything and anything, but let her enjoy a small treat here and there. she’s only 3 so she doesn’t need masses, I’m sensible in what I allow her.
Its got to a point where he feels I’m not listening to him or respecting his views as I do allow her small treats, it majorly kicks off if shes had something. but what he can’t see is that I already do compromise with him e.g with the cornflakes, i don’t see this as a treat but appreciate that he does, so i offer this as a treat. I feel that he’s not allowing me to make decisions and when I do it causes arguments and I just can’t continue focusing so much energy on this.
AIBU here, should I listen more and follow what he wants for her?

Is his eating disordered ? Does he eat very strictly ?
Your poor daughter 😐

Is he controlling in other areas? If he saw you eating a bowl of cornflakes what would he say?

This is where we are. We wouldn't obviously let our son go to town but he can open the drawer and take fruity pouch or something. We keep the very sugary stuff up high so he does have to ask for that but generally he has a couple of treats a day and actually he leaves stuff because it's not a big deal to him.
If you make something the Forbidden Fruit you are setting yourself up for trouble ahead op

You’re all right, it’s absolutely normal to allow kids snack, I just needed to check I am the sane one here…. the issue is DH just can’t see it and seems to think the only option is for me to listen to him. He says he is happy for her to have treats just to limit them, but his views of limiting them are just ridiculous. he absolutely does not have all the power you’re right, i tell him I’m her parent too so what I say also goes. He has a few health issues which have improved since becoming healthier, hence this way forward. Also he was fed junk as a kid and doesn’t want that for dd, but who wasn’t fed junk 30 odd years ago?
in regards to controlling in other areas… tbh our relationship hasn’t been great and feel we are out of touch with each other, we do need to focus time on the two of us, this may also help with these issues. It’s got so bad recently we honestly don’t know the best solution for us as a couple

Not bothered by my diet! It’s hers he is bothered by, I guess as he knows he won’t change my habits (as they’re not bad habits at all)

He's going to give her serious food issues.

I do agree with this, letting her have what she wants on occasions e.g parties rather than limiting.

Your DH is literally going to ruin your DCs life. Show him this thread and let your kid eat the snacks ffs.

You seriously need family therapy, preferably done by someone with extensive experience in eating disorders. he is going to destroy her life. She isn't going to have any understanding of a balanced diet.

I kind of agree with him that in an ideal world a 4 year old wouldn't be eating any food containing sugar, and that cornflakes aren't healthy

However it's not possible to live in modern society and restrict your child's diet to.that extent. Children who are never allowed sweet things may end up obsessed with them and you can't control your child for much longer, soon they will be dropped off at parties and have their own pocket money etc.

Constantly going on about it also sends a really bad message.

Try and steer your daughter towards fruit, veg, non sugary snacks but let her have the party bags and treats at Grandma's within reason.

My dad was like this and I became obsessed with sweets. As soon as I was old enough I'd spend my pocket money on sweets and hide them in my room. Once he found a Mars bar wrapper on my floor. Oh the shame! As your daughter's eating really well I don't see the harm in a few sweets and certainly no harm in a bowl of cornflakes!

It sounds excessive to me!

Maybe try writing down a list of what you'd allow her if you were deciding, then what he prefers, and put what you actually do in the middle. Then he can see you are already compromising and he should do too.

Agree with PP that all in moderation is a healthy approach. I know kids whose parents severely restrict sugar; they get to a party and eat themselves sick. Not that mine won't eat sweet stuff when offered, but they will stop when they've had enough - perhaps because they know treats are a regular and normal thing they can expect to have from time to time?

I have a relative who did this, it was awful the poor kids whenever they visited someone they would gorge themselves as they weren’t allowed what other kids had and they wanted. And yes they have eating disorders and are over weight now.

no food should be banned. Sensible diets, moderation and portion control is what to teach. Healthy habits at home.

your poor kid won’t grow up with a healthy attitude ro food. She’s going to grow up and gorge on what she’s wasn’t allowed

He sounds obsessive and controlling, or else fraught with anxiety over your DD’s health.

He needs to understand that a habit of healthy eating can’t be built by controlling every mouthful your Dd takes as if she was a lab rat, but by giving her the opportunity to choose and regulate her own eating and understand what healthy is, what enjoyment is, and what function food plays in her life.

I don’t know if there is a good book about this?

you need to push back on this.

he may be using this as a means of control. He may be so deep into his own disordered eating that he no longer has perspective. Either way, it can cause real harm for your child.

Unless you homeschool and keep her isolated, your ability to control her food consumption is actually going to be a being very ending very soon. She has to learn to make her own choices. Sometimes she is going to make choices that her parents may not like.

this is true for all parents. It isn’t just about treats. You might be following a religious diet. You might be vegetarian. Unless a particular diet is dictated by a child’s particular medical need, there is nothing you can do to stop your child from making their own choices when the opportunity arises.

I believe that most children will make better choices if treats aren’t forbidden. They learn that they feel better if they eat real food along with the sweets.

This 100%

Maybe a way to get him to get a grip is to point out that she’s about to start school (if she didn’t already), and in a year or two she will start to twig how restrictive he would like to be.

This is going to cause huge battles if he doesn’t cool down. A good diet allows for a sensible balance.

Does he respect your decisions? Does he compromise? Or is it a one way street?

He sounds extreme and controlling. I imagine this manifests itself in other ways? Do you work?

Well your husband is just setting your child up for a lifetime of eating disorders. My mother was, well, not this bad! But you had to ask permission to say have a biscuit and majority of the time the answer was no. I ended up sneaking the biscuits and truth be told, all these years later I have a terrible relationship with food. I've been careful not to demonise food with my son and always done everything in moderation. Consequently if he gets a snack he'll sometimes get chocolate or a biscuit and sometimes chooses fruit. Same after dinner, if he wants an ice cream cone he knows he can help himself. Sometimes he does sometimes he gets a yoghurt, sometimes he doesn't bother with anything. Your husband is annoyed that you're not listening to him or respecting his views but hes doing exactly the same to you! Sounds like his way or the highway! And no cornflakes are not a treat! They're bloody breakfast!

So your DH is right if you want your DD to live a long healthy life. If you want her to get hooked on sugar like most of us are, then let her have more snacks like choclate or sweets, but she will live less long and it may affect her health.

Most of us don't think long-term like this but if we knew that giving kids treats meant they'd live a decade less long, I suspect we'd all think about it a little harder.

My kids didn't have fizzy drinks until in their teens, they still prefer water but will also drink pressed juice/smoothies. Neither eat lots of sweets/chocolate either, though we didn't go out to restrict those, they both chose fruit/yoghurt as snacks. I like to think their diet is healthier than mine, so generationally, DH and I made progress, which I hope means thry have good health and longevity.

My friend is very strict and controlling with her kids, one 15 year old and one 10 year old. She rarely allows treats and doesn't care if it embarrasses her son (15). My DD went to theirs for a sleepover with some other kids, and she gave them all a tiny plastic kids bowl each with a few haribo in it and a drumstick lolly. My DD said he was mortified. For sleepovers I chuck bags of sweets/crisps in, a bottle of pop and shut the door and let them get on with it.

He is now rebelling at her strictness and gorges on sweets and crap when she's not around. Think two or three family bags of sweets at a time!

Moderation is the key here, or you'll end up with kids who sneak or crave treats.

Believe me, this is going to set her up for failure in the long-run, as she will have an unhealthy relationship with food. Take it from one who knows.

It sounds like your DH might have an eating disorder himself. Cornflakes are a treat?!
I know one mum that sounds just like him and she called herself a “crunchy mum" and was absolutely mental. Definitely a controlling element going on there.
It also sounds quite joyless for your DD. A small treat everyday is fine.

YANBU - your dh's attitude is going to have such a detrimental effect on your dd's attitude to food.

As a family we try to eat healthily the majority of the time but also help our dd develop a healthy relationship with food. Our dd is 3 and will get a treat each day, usually a mini kinder bar or biscuit with her afternoon snack. But then also get an ice cream or a few buttons, snack bag of cookies etc if we're out at the weekend. We also don't label them as "treats" with her - like for a snack she would get an apple with peanut butter and a biscuit at the same time so foods aren't being placed on a pedestal or being thought of as being naughty or special treats. Everything in moderation! Food is to enjoy! There are also so many recipes out there for low sugar, healthier treat food alternatives so might be a bit of a compromise with your dh. And a nice way to build your dd's positive relationship with food and ingredients.

Parties etc are totally different though. They're a one off so literally no harm.

Also the fact that your dh thinks cornflakes are a treat is quite frankly insane. Wheetabix, cornflakes, rice krispies etc are all healthy snacks. All fortified with iron and vitamin d. Chocolate or sugary cereal is a treat, absolutely, but not ordinary cereal.

OP what breakfast does DH deem ok for DD, if cornflakes are a "treat"?