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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my teen use birthday money to replace my things!

176 replies

Blockfr · 20/03/2023 23:17

My hair has been really damaged due to colouring. I brought some expensive shampoo and conditioner to help out, i have only used it once. I explained to my teen its for my hair and its expensive. She has long curly hair and i’m always buying things for her hair. Today i went to get in the shower saw both bottles of my shampoo and conditioner lying down with the lids off and it literally going down the drain.

I feel really annoyed! Its not just the fact she has used it without asking but to not have enough respect to even look after it! Half the bottles gone now. She recently had her birthday and has money. Am I unreasonable to say she needs to replace them with her money

OP posts:
Runningslow · 21/03/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t make her pay for it. Give her a tow for using it, but realistically, who wouldn’t use it once just to see what was so amazing about it? Bottles fall over in the shower sometimes. It happens. If she’s a nice kid generally, and doesn’t have a job so doesn’t have access to earned money, then I would leave it at that.

Cornishclio · 21/03/2023 10:32

I would not give her pocket money if she doesn't do chores. Use the money you save from that to replace the hair products and in future don't keep them where she can see them

Cornishclio · 21/03/2023 10:36

Ok just read your update. If she has £500 birthday money and fancy toiletries every month I would give her the links and ask her to replace them. No more pocket money, subscriptions etc until she does and regular chores from now on. She needs to learn respect for money and others possessions

LookingOldTheseDays · 21/03/2023 10:40

Runningslow · 21/03/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t make her pay for it. Give her a tow for using it, but realistically, who wouldn’t use it once just to see what was so amazing about it? Bottles fall over in the shower sometimes. It happens. If she’s a nice kid generally, and doesn’t have a job so doesn’t have access to earned money, then I would leave it at that.

Who wouldn't use it once

People who don't steal other people's stuff?

If she did this to a housemate at uni she'd get bollocked and be expected to replace it. She's 15 - old enough to know better.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 10:43

Don’t beat yourself up op. We’re all trying to do our best without an instruction manual! Smile

Has this thread given you any ideas how you might handle this? You’re addressing it, which is the main thing.

Would her dad be on board with agreeing a monthly allowance she can manage herself? I think that’s a great idea. She may appreciate her parents treating her as more of a grown up, if you word it right!

Shes still young, 15 year olds are impulsive and think with the “emotional” part of the brain, rather than rationally considering the long term. She may well be telling you the truth when you ask her “what were you thinking?” and she’s says “don’t know”

Just follow through with whatever action you decide x

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/03/2023 10:46

Definitely make her replace it!

It will make her think twice in future about taking you stuff, and will certainly make her look after it.

gemloving · 21/03/2023 10:53

She's 15. That's why. I had no concept of money at 15, now I do at 33 having two young kids myself.

Teenagers at that age are hard work and annoying. I wouldn't ask her to replace it though, she doesn't have a disposable income.

laveritable · 21/03/2023 10:57

She should replace it! Let her feel the pinch. Normal behaviour for most teens though: you say the SAME thing a 100 times!

Runningslow · 21/03/2023 11:00

LookingOldTheseDays · 21/03/2023 10:40

Who wouldn't use it once

People who don't steal other people's stuff?

If she did this to a housemate at uni she'd get bollocked and be expected to replace it. She's 15 - old enough to know better.

Show quote history

It’s not a housemate though is it? It’s her mother who is happy enough providing stuff for her normally.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 11:01

She doesn’t have a disposable income

Hmm I’d argue she does: regular pocket money plus £500 from her dad and his family every birthday and probably Christmas. There’s enough money coming to her that I doubt parting with £40 to replace used hair products would bother her that much!

FatYogaLady · 21/03/2023 11:02

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cooldarkroom · 21/03/2023 11:04

I'd not give her her pocket money, & tell her you are replacing the shampoo she wasted. Then keep your special things out if her way

Original poster
Blockfr · 21/03/2023 11:09

wow i am not a troll. I havent said its not a lot of money i said she hasnt grown up in wealth. I lived in a hostel for teen mums. Her dad and his family spoil her. They gave her the money as they do every occasion.

I worked really really hard to be able to get to this point of being comfortable enough to buy myself £40 hair products. I am not rich, we dont live in a gated community, anything of real value was brought by her dad’s family

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 11:17

Blockfr · 21/03/2023 11:09

wow i am not a troll. I havent said its not a lot of money i said she hasnt grown up in wealth. I lived in a hostel for teen mums. Her dad and his family spoil her. They gave her the money as they do every occasion.

I worked really really hard to be able to get to this point of being comfortable enough to buy myself £40 hair products. I am not rich, we dont live in a gated community, anything of real value was brought by her dad’s family

Is dd aware of this? Make it known how hard you work to treat yourself to nice things and how upset you feel.

I hope she at least used some of her money to buy you something for Mother’s Day Sad

It sounds very difficult when you have a dad in the background spoiling her all the time and you have to be the “bad guy” trying to teach her life lessons.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/03/2023 11:20

Runningslow · 21/03/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t make her pay for it. Give her a tow for using it, but realistically, who wouldn’t use it once just to see what was so amazing about it? Bottles fall over in the shower sometimes. It happens. If she’s a nice kid generally, and doesn’t have a job so doesn’t have access to earned money, then I would leave it at that.

@Runningslow

it wasn’t hers to use

honestly no wonder there are so many self centred entitled young adults about these days

EKGEMS · 21/03/2023 11:23

I am old enough to recall real punishment and consequences for misbehavior and 'walking off mumbling' when my mother is discussing the fact that I stole pricy hair care products when explicitly told not to? Yeah, I'd be regretting my selfish choices and would be paying/working for replacements and mom would absolutely NOT be feeling any qualms of guilt over it

Tealsofa · 21/03/2023 11:23

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/03/2023 23:40

Is the birthday money from you or from someone else? Honestly, I'd be pretty pissed off if I had given a child money for her birthday and he mum was insisting that it be used for something like this, and I would ensure that I didn't give cash again.

I think it's mean to make her use her birthday money in any case. If you want to make a point, can you get her to earn the cash back instead?

Doesn't matter where the money came from, it's the teens money and she needs to be replacing what she threw away due to no care

butterfliedtwo · 21/03/2023 11:24

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/03/2023 11:20

@Runningslow

it wasn’t hers to use

honestly no wonder there are so many self centred entitled young adults about these days

Show quote history

Agree.

Pr1mr0se · 21/03/2023 11:26

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - yes I know that. The poster has posted again with other examples.

LookingOldTheseDays · 21/03/2023 11:28

gemloving · 21/03/2023 10:53

She's 15. That's why. I had no concept of money at 15, now I do at 33 having two young kids myself.

Teenagers at that age are hard work and annoying. I wouldn't ask her to replace it though, she doesn't have a disposable income.

She gets pocket money plus £500 from her dad and his family every birthday / Christmas. That's more disposable income than a lot of adults have! From the sound of it, it's more disposable income than her mum has to spend on herself.

Young people only learn the value of money by being taught it. Far better for her to learn now, when she's living at home and has her essential needs catered for, than to learn the hard way by being unable to pay her bills later in life.

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2023 11:39

She isn't careful enough with things because she's spoilt and doesn't have consequences.

Definitely make her use her birthday money, hopefully she'll think twice in the future.

TheUnforecastedStorm · 21/03/2023 14:26

YANBU

Slightly different way around but I once bought DS a sound bar for the front room TV for his birthday because the birthday fell just after he had broken ours by turning it up to max while we were out for the hundredth time (told, told and told again!).

He’d have been about 15 too. To be clear, it wasn’t his only (or ‘main’) present! And it wasn’t a dear one. But it did make the desired point…

To the best of my knowledge he stopped doing it. Or at least he got smart and removed the evidence by starting to turn it back down before we came back from work!

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2023 14:27

Yup it'd be replace here. Even when small they'd have to have worked off something like this.

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2023 14:30

nodogz · 20/03/2023 23:53

Can't you sit down with her and tell her carelessness has damaged someone else's stuff and ask her what she thinks is fair to make amends?

This seems to force kids to think about their thoughtless behaviour and they follow through with the resolution they choose. Mine are really hard on themselves! She might choose to replace the bottle or clean the bathroom.

A foster carer told me about this, I was bloody amazed how well it works on my kids

I did a massive amount of this with Mumsnet scenarios when the kids were small. They're far tougher with consequences than we are.

user081312 · 21/03/2023 16:05

YANBU - My DD was in a similar situation however had damaged something of her own that was only bought 2 weeks previously and expected me to pay to fix it. I refused and insisted if she wanted it fixed she would have to pay for it herself (it was £20) since paying for it herself I found she has now more respect for her things and other peoples things as well sometimes it takes more than the "I'm so disappointed" conservation to make teenagers/older children understand