To make my teen use birthday money to replace my things!

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My hair has been really damaged due to colouring. I brought some expensive shampoo and conditioner to help out, i have only used it once. I explained to my teen its for my hair and its expensive. She has long curly hair and i’m always buying things for her hair. Today i went to get in the shower saw both bottles of my shampoo and conditioner lying down with the lids off and it literally going down the drain.

I feel really annoyed! Its not just the fact she has used it without asking but to not have enough respect to even look after it! Half the bottles gone now. She recently had her birthday and has money. Am I unreasonable to say she needs to replace them with her money

I think that sounds fair enough.

This year, we didn’t give DS any Christmas money after he was so nasty to us that he left me in tears. It’s not the first time either. Funnily enough, he hasn’t done it since. I don’t expect he was expecting us to follow through on the punishment and he was very gutted on Christmas Day.

You've solved your own problem here.

You are buffering her from the consequences of her actions. There is no lose scenario for her as you swoop in to fix her mistakes.

Re the shampoo - why not make her replace it. She can pay out of her pocket money?

Next time she wants money for something tell her that you've had to spend it on more shampoo and conditioner so she'll have to go without.

No chores = no pocket money.

If she genuinely isn't a bratt then sit down and ask her what the consequences should be?

Would her dad undermine anything you do? So if you made her pay, would she go crying to him to recoop the money? Could you involve him in the discussion?

100% she would be paying for new products if she was mine.

Her dad absolutely undermines me. We arent together and he’s a disney dad if that.
Headphones she was brought she lost them, she smashed her ipad.
The next time he saw her, brand new tablet and headphones!

She just said she wasnt thinking by using them, mumbled she didnt know what the consequences should be and then walked off saying she had to get ready for school

Definitely make her pay. If she wants to get more money she can do chores.
My then 7 year old tipped all my moisturiser away as part of one of her wacky experiments and she had to go and buy me a new one from her pocket money.

Not sure if I agree with this.

If you're talking about natural consequences, then fair enough. Kids do, of course, have to learn to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, and as parents, we sometimes need to help by pointing out those consequences.

If you're talking about punishment, though, which often seems to be what people mean by "consequences", I don't actually think that this works at all. In many cases, I think it actually has the opposite effect because it makes the relationship far more adversarial than it needs to be.

Personally, I think parenting teenagers is all about investing in the quality of the overall relationship and recognising that they aren't young children any more. Treating them with respect and consideration teaches them to show respect and consideration to others. Communicating openly and honestly without laying down the law helps them to genuinely see other points of view. If they value the relationship and consider you to be a reasonable human being, then in the vast majority of cases, they will actually care that you're upset and try to do something about it.

I'm basing this not only on my own experience with my 17yo dd but on my previous experience of being in pseudo-parental relationships with numerous teenagers through my previous work in a residential setting. If you try to assert your authority and punish them, they will push back as hard as they possibly can. If you reason and negotiate with them, they will generally be reasonable in their response. If you treat them with respect and consideration, they will generally give it back. It is the quality of the underlying relationship that matters... they need to understand that they don't need to go into battle with you because you are on their team.

Hello OP.

I'd be furious if my teen had just mumbled and walked off. It's at moments like these that you have to step up. Walk to her money box, and take the cash out, with her watching. Or get her to the bank transfer to you there and then. No messing. No arguments. She'll be angry as hell, but just restate why you are doing it, walk away and carry on with your day. Leave her to reflect on what's happened.

She will bitch to her father of course, but it gives a clear signal that you won't take any shit and that there are consequences. Teens need boundaries. She'll thank you for it later in life.

I did this when my DD in a rage broke something deliberately in the house, after being told to stop what she was doing. It soon calmed her down.

And as for Disney dad, there's not much you can do about that other than tell her what you think, and why he's doing it, she's old enough now to start to see her parents as flawed humans. All you can do is control your interactions with her. If she breaks something with carelessness, say your piece, tell her dad what you'd like him to do (ie not rescue) and leave it at that. Nothing more you can do.

By replacing everything you are enabling her behaviour. She's 15 not 5, she needs to start taking responsibility for her actions

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves you are spot on, but I do think the are times for confrontation as well. They need to understand the hurt and the consequences.

Picking battles is so important.

On big stuff (like when we found weed in our 16 yo sons room) was handled calmly with a discussion on why we were so worried and what we collectively thought we should all do. Worked a treat and built trust.

Oh yes, I agree that the difficult conversations absolutely have to happen sometimes - including some confrontation at times. I have never shied away from telling dd what I think and feel. However, it's much easier to have those conversations in the context of a relationship that is built on mutual respect and consideration, and where your dc are genuinely able to recognise that you're not just some power crazed control freak trying to run their life/ spoil their fun but rather a reasonable person who cares about them and wants what is best for them.

It's annoying but in the scheme of life its not a big deal, you haven't got her at home for many more years

Very disappointing I agree, but no way would I expect my child to use birthday money to replace the hair products, that’s just mean. I would buy myself some more hair care and NOT leave it in the bathroom.

I think it's a fair punishment. It's a natural consequence and will teach her the value of things.

She just said she wasnt thinking by using them, mumbled she didnt know what the consequences should be and then walked off saying she had to get ready for school

To be honest, I don't think first thing in the morning before school was the right time to tackle this

I'd hit her more where it hurt "your phone costs £20 per month so you can repay me in lost phone time. You'll get it back in two months"

I was going to say she sounds awful and then remembered how I used to “borrow” my older sisters’ things all the time as a teen!

I was a bit more discreet though. I remember sneaking out of the house wearing my sister’s new velvet blazer. I put it back in her wardrobe and there was an almighty row when she realised it stank of smoke (pubs were full of cigarette smoke in those days)
She never got to the bottom of which one of us sisters did that

That said, we grew up with little money to spare. We definitely had to save up our pocket money if we wanted to buy clothes or make up/ nice hair products….and then attempt to hide it from our sisters 😂

Im not going to tell you you’re a terrible parent because I don’t think you are. I would advise teaching her the value of money- starting with paying for hair or make up herself and saving up for clothes she wants.

She should give you some money towards your wasted shampoo.

Teens are impulsive and often make poor judgments. You’re doing ok op x

It sounds to me like she may have adhd?

I'd go 50/50, she's a child and she's still learning - but that also leaves some responsibility for her to learn from it too.

She does need to understand pretty quickly that actions have consequences: as she isn't doing chores and earning pocket money then it needs to be her birthday money that covers the cost of replacing your hair products. She's going to be a nightmare flatmate for someone in a few years' time.

She's 15. In 3 years time she may be sharing a flat with others at uni. If she uses their stuff, they will expect her to replace it at her own cost.

There's no need to go apeshit, but calmly saying "Those cost £X, I'd like you to oay me back" is fine.

I wouldn't make her pay for it out of birthday money, but I would hold back some of her pocket money until the stuff is paid for. I would also stop paying for replacements of her own things if she has been careless with them, but let her know in advance.
in fact, surely by now she should be having more responsibility for buying her own things? At around her age my parents gave me an allowance rather than pocket money. It was a certain amount per month that I was expected to do all personal spending from. So all my clothes (except school uniform), make up, going out, travel (for anything except school or with the family) - everything. Then if I spent it all at the beginning of the month I didn't have anything until the next month. It was to teach me budgeting. I think she would soon learn the consequences of being careless if she had to budget for replacements herself.

Lmao, that’s one way to make your own life shit for 2 months.