To make my teen use birthday money to replace my things!

[Blockfr]

My hair has been really damaged due to colouring. I brought some expensive shampoo and conditioner to help out, i have only used it once. I explained to my teen its for my hair and its expensive. She has long curly hair and i’m always buying things for her hair. Today i went to get in the shower saw both bottles of my shampoo and conditioner lying down with the lids off and it literally going down the drain.

I feel really annoyed! Its not just the fact she has used it without asking but to not have enough respect to even look after it! Half the bottles gone now. She recently had her birthday and has money. Am I unreasonable to say she needs to replace them with her money

@DilemmaDelilah
I had a similar thing as a teen- monthly pocket money which had to cover all my “expenses”. If there was something I really wanted, I had to save up for it.

I made lots of mistakes but I think it’s a great lesson in budgeting and appreciating the value of possessions.

I disagree. In the scheme of life i think it is a big deal. At the moment, she thinks she can waltz through life acting with impunity, with zero actual consequences for her as Mummy and Daddy always sort it out. Unfortunately for her, that’s what she’s been taught. But also unfortunately for her, that’s not what the real world is like and she’s in for a sharp shock when she is in a scenario that mummy can’t make go away. She needs to learn, in order to prevent her becoming an entitled, spoiled, obnoxious adult.

Same here - I got an allowance and that was expected to cover all my personal spending. If I overspent, that was on me. If I used or broke a family member's stuff, I'd have been expected to use my allowance to replace/repair it.

The teen years are when you start gradually preparing a child for adult life. No one is going to buy everything for her and pay to replace the things she breaks when she's an adult.

I wouldn’t take her money but I’d really be cross with her and make her realise how expensive it was. My son does the same thing - which drives me crazy because he has about an inch of hair all over his head but he always goes for my expensive curly hair shampoo and conditioner (think he likes the smell!) and uses half a bottle and leaves the lids off! (He’s only 11 though but still annoying). I have told him again and again not to do it and if he’s determined to use them just use a small amount, sigh. It’s so irritating.

In the scheme of life i think it is a big deal.

I agree. The behaviours she's learning now are what she'll take into adulthood. You can try to teach responsibility and natural consequences, or you can let her waltz along never feeling the impact of any of her actions. Those are big lessons with a big impact on her life, not small ones.

Yes

1. Put the expensive shampoo away. A lockable suitcase is ideal.

1. Either get her to spend her birthday money on replacing it or massively reduce food spending for a couple of weeks to "save up" for a replacement. In a similar situation a friend only provided bread, apples and carrot sticks for a week. Just tap water to drink. Absolutely nothing else. She never had the problem again.

Yanbu

I would make her pay for it. My eldest ds was an absolute nightmare when young. He would ask “what will happen if I’m naughty at the doctors/ wherever we were going”. He was trying to negotiate terms before he committed the crime! My answer was always the same, I don’t know but there will always be a consequence for bad behaviour. He was an absolute dream as a teenager because he had learnt the very important lesson that all actions have consequences, good and bad. Your dd needs to learn this too. I know it feels mean, but stick to your guns let her learn a life lesson.

Yes I'd make her replace it. Sounds like a lesson she really needs.

Definitely think it’s a good idea to have her managing her own money and paying for things she needs out of that.

Could her dad get on board with that? Say a monthly allowance you both put into?

That needs to be realistic obviously, not hundreds of pounds to spunk on trainers.
She would use it for phone contract, make up, clothes, going out and so on but when it’s gone, it’s gone.

I expect as well as being an impulsive teen, she has little concept of money. Is she aware how many hours you have to work to afford luxury hair products? Does she know how much things cost in relation to income?
Helping her to budget her own money would benefit her x

She replaces them and keeps the current bottles. You keep new ones in your room.
The only thing that has worked with dc (adhd) has been fining him for this stuff.

Talking both as someone who grew up with a dad that just handed me money when I wanted new things (with in reason) and now the mom of a pre-teen, who, let’s face it, it’s semi spoiled…
your daughter needs to pay for it!
at least the half bottle that went down the drain!
Yes I get it kids make mistakes, kids are not as careful as adults, accidents happen… but it’s up to us as parents to ensure they don’t become thoughtless
for example, my DD got an iPad from her grandparents when she was about 9… she used to just pull the cable and I mentioned several times she needed to be careful, how those cables (if bought on Apple) are expensive, etc…. What happened to the cable? It broke since she kept on thoughtlessly pulling…
what did we did… she had to pay with her pocket money for a new one (yes she only had to pay for an Amazon one) - but from there she became careful with the cable - could I have easily given her one of the cables I have all over the house? Of course, but the point was, you break it, you pay for it
from what you said your daughter managed to make it to 15 without learning actions have consequences
yes I know, her dad….
she lives with you! Even reception kids know different rules for different places
make this the straw that broke the proverbial camel… sit her down, later today, at a good time for both of you… explain how you’re very disappointed and think things need to change- how you were going to make her pay from her pocket money, but this is her final warning, she’s very close to becoming an adult, and things are changing
she’s now getting an allowance and chores - not related, allowance she’s getting money for her expenses, since you love her and she gets money as a member of the family (you’re nice see free money for her)
but as an active member of the household she is also expected to pull her own weight around and help around the house, why ? because she lives there
and she needs to somehow make up for the spilled hair products - and I don’t mean economically pay for it, she can decide how she’s going to make it better for you - and if that’s going to her dad and he pays for new products, thats up to her, you smile and say thanks for the replacement- if she wants to make you breakfast for a week, again, great you appreciate the gesture- the point is she needs to think of others - don’t give her ideas, but do make her life a bit harder until she figures how to make up for it… maybe don’t make her breakfast or don’t buy snacks for her

@Devoutspoken

and?!
does that mean she can get away with selfish and disrespectful behaviour and using all her mums nice stuff and her mum should just suck it up cos she might - might! - be leaving in a few years?!

nah, that sounds like being a Martyr to me

Stop buying her stuff if it annoys you how she treats stuff. This is more than just about shampoo.

She is a teen. All teens can be like this but you need to be the adult and decide what behaviour is acceptable and tell her and be consistent. So if you want her to replace your shampoo then perhaps you need to have a more general word about boundaries and respect too. Personally I wouldn't be asking her to replace it especially as you have also said you normally buy her hair things. It could have been a genuine mistake. Have the conversation with her.

If you use and don’t look after something that belongs to somebody else, the right solution is to replace it. As she is also careless about other things, maybe replacing the items she’s used would be a life lesson and make her think more carefully.

Yes I would do this - and have done with my teenage daughter.

I would do something similar to this. I think with teens (admittedly I have teen boys rather than teen girls, but the principle is probably broadly the same) there are times to confront, and times to be rational/reasonable, and times to simply explain that actually if they can't behave in a respectful manner then you'll have to take action to ensure that things are taken care of.

So a small box or case that you keep your expensive products in, get a big chunky padlock with a combination lock so DD cannot access them. Explain to her that yes, this probably does seem pathetic, and petty, but unfortunately she has demonstrated that you cannot trust her, and so given that you don't have endless money to replace expensive things, this is how it has to be. Add anything that you don't want her to use (makeup, jewellery, whatever) to the box.

I wouldn't necessarily insist that I take her pocket money, but I'd offer her the option of using it to pay you back if she wants to. Alternatively she can get cheap shampoo from Poundland for however many weeks/months it takes for you to recoup your £40, rather than her getting anything more expensive. No other hair products at all.

The Disney Dad problem is unfortunate, but if DD is hoping to go to university one day it's definitely worth having the conversation around learning to be respectful to others, and their belongings, and making sure she doesn't end up being the flatmate that everyone loathes and despises for being an inconsiderate little brat. Disney Dad won't be able to fix that one for her, no matter how many expensive toys he replaces.

@Pr1mr0se

but she was wasting the stuff - leaving the lids off and leaving the bottles upended on the floor

sounds like a case or easy come, easy go

she needs to learn now otherwise being skint at uni and eking out the last little bits of a bottle of supermarket own brand shampoo will comes as quite the shock! 😀

I'd expect her to replace it - I wouldn't explicitly make her use her birthday money though, I'd just tell her how much and she can use whatever of her money she wants, or do chores to earn the money.

In your shoes id stop buy her fancy hair products too - I'd be giving her pocket money each week, buying her the basics (deodorant, shampoo, conditioner etc), and if she wants anything fancier she can buy it herself.

She doesn't get it because you keep replacing things.
Make her pay. If she had a Saturday job how long would it take to earn enough to replace the shampoo? That's the kind of thing she needs to learn

Oh my, this is the story of my life! Most recently I found a small bottle of my favorite Christian Dior lip-oil had gloopily disgorged its contents onto the floorboards beneath dd15's bed.

Problem is, she is always so disarmingly apologetic when confronted - she will be so contrite and wearily agree that it's only fair for me to deduct from pocket money etc, but she keeps doing it & never seems to learn her lesson! Locking things away seems an utter nuisance but is likely the only solution

Yes, get her to pay for the replacements. How will she learn otherwise?

I'd be peed off too! It's not unreasonable to get her to replace it, she needs to start learning responsibility and respect.

Perhaps say that she either has to give you the money to replace it, or she can do a set list of chores around the house for whole week, to earn money to pay it back (so as to not use her birthday money).

YANBU, OP. I have done the same.