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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my teen use birthday money to replace my things!

176 replies

Blockfr · 20/03/2023 23:17

My hair has been really damaged due to colouring. I brought some expensive shampoo and conditioner to help out, i have only used it once. I explained to my teen its for my hair and its expensive. She has long curly hair and i’m always buying things for her hair. Today i went to get in the shower saw both bottles of my shampoo and conditioner lying down with the lids off and it literally going down the drain.

I feel really annoyed! Its not just the fact she has used it without asking but to not have enough respect to even look after it! Half the bottles gone now. She recently had her birthday and has money. Am I unreasonable to say she needs to replace them with her money

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/03/2023 02:14

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/03/2023 23:40

Is the birthday money from you or from someone else? Honestly, I'd be pretty pissed off if I had given a child money for her birthday and he mum was insisting that it be used for something like this, and I would ensure that I didn't give cash again.

I think it's mean to make her use her birthday money in any case. If you want to make a point, can you get her to earn the cash back instead?

Nonsense.
The source of the money is irrelevant.

She needs to start paying for what she wastes and damages.

BreadInCaptivity · 21/03/2023 02:21

Okay, well frankly though I think you've probably wasted your money on stupidly expensive hair products (Olaplex?) that don't work (once your hair is buggered there's no product that unbuggers it) I don't think your DD should have no consequences for disrespecting other people's property.

You do sound as if you have made a rod for your own back though in terms of "picking up" her "trail of destruction" and buying lots of products for her/replacing damaged items.

Would I take birthday money, no. I think that's disrespectful to the people who gifted it to her.

Would I stop buying hair products for her - yes.

Going further would I stop buying anything (above essential food and clothing) unless she contributes to household chores? Yes.

Would I replace broken phones/laptops etc as a result of carelessness? No.

I think you are reaping the consequences of your own parenting here, though years of teaching your DD there are no consequences to her behaviour.

I'd use this as a catalyst for change and laying down some new house rules.

dudsville · 21/03/2023 02:29

If she doesn't do chores for pocket money then docking this would be so easy, whereas taking birthday money seems mean. Once sufficient time has passed and it's time to reinstate pocket money wait until she's done the chores before giving it to her. The point of earning pocket money is to learn important life skills of working for and valuing something. I'm in my 50s, my pocket money (aka my salary) is for paying for the things i need in my life, including if i should ever damage someone else's property.

Murdoch1949 · 21/03/2023 02:32

She will be more affected by you refusing to replace her own items that she loses/breaks etc - phone, computer etc. Stop her pocket money until she agrees to do a few basic tasks a week - obviously looking after her own room & laundry, but also maybe emptying the dishwasher daily. If she doesn't do her simple chores, don't give her any money. You have indulged her and she repays you with contempt in not looking after your hair products.

CJsGoldfish · 21/03/2023 02:33

I don’t understand how she doesnt get it. She’s reckless with phones, laptops, her room. And every time i’ve replaced and fixed this for her

Its like she doesnt care because she knows I will pick it up
Seriously?
You don't understand?

Re read what you've written on here OP. She doesn't have to show respect for anything because you'll just replace it.
She doesn't have to clean up after herself because you'll just do it for her.

How can you honestly say you don't understand how she 'doesn't get it'. Why would she think that THIS time is different?

Flatandhappy · 21/03/2023 02:51

Bearing in mind everything you have said I would use this as an opportunity to have a conversation with her to reset expectations. I would explain that trying to be nice and make her life easy has obviously resulted in you creating a thoughtless, careless young person so this needs to change. Pocket money is totally and non-negotiably chore dependent, things broken/lost through carelessness will not just be replaced, other people’s property damaged/lost through her carelessness will also need to be replaced. I would tell her that you will be buying her cheap supermarket shampoo, not special curly hair products for the next month or two as you will be spending the money replacing your products instead. If there are no consequences to bad behaviour she will never learn to behave differently.

echt · 21/03/2023 02:56

You've made a rod for your own back, OP.

As nicely as I can put it, are you afraid of her/afraid of her not liking you?

mathanxiety · 21/03/2023 02:57

I'd make her replace it.

Clearly verbal reprimands have no impact.

That's a lot of money literally down the drain.

MyMumIsOnMN · 21/03/2023 04:33

Are you the only two people in the house? In other words, was it definitely her?

PinkSyCo · 21/03/2023 05:01

Too right she should pay to replace them. Bad enough she used them after she was warned not to, but to leave them lying on their sides with the lids of! Wtf?! That would break my heart. It’s beyond careless and at her age she definitely needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2023 05:45

YANBU
Id probably buy the £1 products instead until you’ve recouped the cost. That will hit harder as it will drill home just how long it takes to right a basic mistake. I like the idea of asking your dd the consequence. I’ve read this before but never needed to use it. I have a year 10 dd. Not like this at all though but I’m sure there’ll be things your dd has figured out and mine not. In many ways mature, in others, a little child.

WordtoYoMumma · 21/03/2023 05:46

I have a pre teen like this too. Am trying to stamp it out if her but she uses all my stuff, doesn't look after it or her own stuff and it drives me mad.

We had a very similar incident here where my money was wasted when she used an expensive product of mine having been told not to. I cancelled an outing we were supposed to have as I said I now needed the money to replace said product. She was v upset by this but it's all about consequences isn't it.

That said I was a pain of a teenager and didn't ever learn, and this situation I KNOW would have just made me resent my mother but not change my ways. So I'm not holding my breath for change any time soon!

sammylady37 · 21/03/2023 06:30

I don’t understand how she doesnt get it. She’s reckless with phones, laptops, her room. And every time i’ve replaced and fixed this for her

Seriously? How do you expect her to get it if you fix the problem for her every time?

User98866 · 21/03/2023 06:32

Maves · 21/03/2023 00:18

If I'm honest I wouldn't have left £40 worth of shot within reach if you know what she's like?! Just tell her she ain't having pocket money for a bit.....and you've learnt your lesson for next time

She’s 15 not 5! Absolutely she needs to replace it. Why would you even be questioning this?

PoseyFlump · 21/03/2023 06:40

When my DS got to uni he was the only one who knew how to use a washing machine. He had to show all the others how. Same for cooking a roast dinner.

Your DD is not too many years away from all this. Take this as an opportunity to stop doing everything for her and give her some responsibility.

SmashedTable · 21/03/2023 06:49

Blockfr · 20/03/2023 23:30

Literally £40 down the drain. I don’t understand how she doesnt get it. She’s reckless with phones, laptops, her room. And every time i’ve replaced and fixed this for her.

Oh she gets it all right! She trashes something and Mum buys a new one. Stop replacing things and she'll start to pick up your new messaging.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/03/2023 06:56

If she’s used half of each bottle I’d ask her half the cost of the new bottles, not expect her to replace them. That way she’s not funding your hair habit but there’s a consequence for using something she was asked not to.

DomesticShortHair · 21/03/2023 06:57

You’ve been busy protecting her from the real world, rather than preparing her for the real world.

She’s 15 already, time is running out, and she has some life lessons that she needs to learn, or else she’ll struggle in the years to come when mum isn’t following behind her and making everything right.

Original poster
Blockfr · 21/03/2023 07:00

I completely understand that she doesnt get consequences because she has been spoiled very much in her younger years. Not just by me but for instance her dad gifted her an apple mac. She literally spilt water in it by balancing it on the keyboard. Then a few weeks later he had replaced it!

I’m less financially generous but I don’t want to appear mean. I can see how this has affected her now though😞

She’s not a brat or anything she just is thoughtless and a bit selfish if I’m honest but i thought that was teens generally

OP posts:
Motnight · 21/03/2023 07:06

SmashedTable · 21/03/2023 06:49

Oh she gets it all right! She trashes something and Mum buys a new one. Stop replacing things and she'll start to pick up your new messaging.

Show quote history

This. She has no consequences at the moment. Use her money to buy replacements. I think that a 15 year old will pretty quickly get the idea.

My then 15 year old dd came to a similar realisation in Oxford St Top Shop. We had a huge row about me buying her clothes that she hardly wore, and wasn't thankful for although she had asked for them. I put the clothes down that she wanted and went home. Didn't buy her new clothes for several months - just kept saying no, not doing it, you have no consideration for the fact that I am spending my hard earned money on you. It did work. 15 year old girls can be very self centered 😬

GettingThereCharleyBear · 21/03/2023 07:07

Nope it’s not teens generally - it’s teens who know they can get away with it. Yes teens can be thoughtless and stupid but those who then have consequences start to learn. No consequences mean they see no reason to correct their behaviour.

ScreamingInfidelities · 21/03/2023 07:10

Blockfr · 20/03/2023 23:30

Literally £40 down the drain. I don’t understand how she doesnt get it. She’s reckless with phones, laptops, her room. And every time i’ve replaced and fixed this for her.

Stop fixing and replacing things she breaks then.

Summerfun54321 · 21/03/2023 07:13

From your updates it sounds like she's been spoilt and has no need to look after things as there aren't any consequences if she doesn't. Of course she needs to replace what she wastes.

Thoughtful2355 · 21/03/2023 07:13

id make her pay it back, its a good lesson to learn

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/03/2023 07:15

She’s not a brat or anything she just is thoughtless and a bit selfish if I’m honest but i thought that was teens generally

She is a spoilt brat.

And she's a brat because she's been raised to be able to do whatever she wants with absolutely zero consequences 🤷🏻‍♀️