Stressed about money, affecting relationship

[2023IHateYou]

I’m in a job I don’t particularly like, high stress, long hours. DH is in a low paid career, which he loves. I am the higher earner, by a lot. This was fine when times were good and our outgoings weren’t so high but I’m really starting to resent it. He hasn’t had a pay rise in years. He gets to do his hobby job and clock off at 5 while I get to work long hours to pay our mortgage, holiday, everything. If I decide to take a nicer job in my sector, we would have to sell the house and make significant changes to our lifestyle. He did actually have a higher paid role for about 3 month once but he left it because it was boring and I was secretly gutted. I do wonder if he would still be doing his job if he had to actually try and live on his wage. If we had a baby, I’d have to go back at 3 months, cover most childcare fees and not see my baby Mon-Fri. His job is tied to central London btw so we can’t move to a cheaper area of the country either (funnily, i could).

I don’t know what I want from this post. I don’t want this to affect our relationship, he’s a wonderful man. But I sometimes feel I would be a nicer happier person if I had less pressure on me too.

If you’ve got no dependents yet, now is the time to make changes. Do you want to live a less expensive lifestyle and therefore have a lower stress job? Would that make you happy? If so, do it.

Have you told him any of this?

You need to sit down and tell him that the pressure is a lot for you to dealw it and that you'd like him to get a better paid job to take the stress off of you.

However, if you are thinking of children and there is scope for him to be a SAHD, then this should factor into your thinking too.

You say you don't want it to effect your relationship but it is doing. Atm your a bit fed up but projecting yourself forward (starting a family) you're already feeling angry.
There was a post recently about resentment. It doesn't sound like you're at that stage but you might be resentment might set in if you go on to have a child and are broke and frazzled, or even you hang on and find in your late 30s it's not happening as your fertility declines.
I don't know the answer but either he needs to bring more money in, or you need to spend less and move. Surely he could pick up another job elsewhere.....or cut your losses and you move.

is it thinking about having kids that is now making you especially unhappy…does dh want kids, and do you?

if you don’t want kids and you do want the lower stress lifestyle, then make the trade down and take an easier job, sell the house and find a small flat. You can live a happy life without the trappings that a high income buys you.

There is no scope for him to be SAHD and his job actually involves some travel so we would need bulletproof childcare and for me to manage it all. I would love to go for a less stressful job, but unless he changes his, I can’t do that at the moment. We would literally lose the house; and selling now would be financially a terrible decision, we would lose money.

I suppose I thought by this stage in our lives his wage would have gone up or he’d give up and go private sector. But he loves his job. Tbh I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. And I need to figure out what I want, he’s not changing anything so it’s, again, down to me.

Wanting children is what has brought this on, yes. I want a family. He wants 2 kids at least. But i just want to scream “kids cost money!”. His wage would not cover half the mortgage, childcare and bills. But having a job he loves is too important for him. So I resent that he gets to have it all while I have to continue working like a dog.

Unlike many people, he has the option to get a much much better paid job, he just doesn’t want it.

But you don’t have to keep working like a dog.

You can move. You can get a new job. He can get a new job.

It would mean a lot of upheaval, sure, and painful decisions financially and personally in your relationship. But you could. If you want the change enough.

Do you discuss this with him?

Why couldn’t he be a SAHD? You say there’s no scope, but why specifically?

He’s not going to be having babies with you then. He’s being ridiculous and selfish and immature.

Is he fully appraised of your finances, how much the mortgage is, what the holidays he enjoys cost? Or is he a head in the sand type?

I have discussed this with him and it’s a no go. He won’t change jobs. So either I continue to work like a dog to fund his chilled out lifestyle or I leave and find someone who’s accepted that adults need to make a living.

He’s a truly wonderful man in all other respects. But with costs rising and kids in the mix, it’s downright naive to stay in his job.

What is his job, that it's tied to central London?

Why can't he be a SAHP?

@Deathbyfluffy because I asked him if he would consider it and it’s a flat out no.

Sounds like he wants all the cake and to eat your share as well, this isn't how married couple should be, there should be a discussion about compromise but he won't.
I'd be telling him no children unless he found a better paying job tbh or leave, he is being incredibly selfish, which isn't a good trait for a father btw.

You chose to take on a mortgage at your current salary split. He hasn’t changed anything.

I think the fundamental issue here is that you don’t like your job.

I work in a long hours, sometimes high stress role that earns me 4x my husband. I love it though.

Helps that we’re older so there’s no child consideration.

You earn so much more than him, yet you couldn’t take more than 3 months maternity leave. So you must be not saving anything!

I think on that basis, you’ve made the wrong decision with your mortgage size.

I’d forget about his job for the moment, and think about how you would move to a job you love. Once you’ve got that plan sorted, think about whether he then still fits into your plans.

What type of salary are you talking for him? £20k, £30k?

@Testina it’s not about savings, the job would require me back as soon as possible.

Ah, I see. You made it sound like you could only have 3 months leave because you were the high earner. But it’s actually the constraints of the job you don’t like. So he could get the job you want him to and you’d still have to go back after 3 months. Like I said - I think the fundamental issue here isn’t his job but yours. Get a job you actually want to do, then work out how he fits into that.

@Testina he doesn’t fit in that future. Even in a less stressful role, I’d still make more money than him. And because I’d still be carrying him, I’d be poor.

Well there you go - that’s pretty conclusive.
Split up, but still look for a job you like more.

Why don’t you take a nicer/easier job and make the lifestyle changes? Maybe it would motivate him to live more within his income bracket (not fair on you in a way, but you don’t want to work like this anymore).

I think it’s crap if he doesn’t acknowledge how much you subsidise the lifestyle you both live or recognise you’re stressed.
But you can’t change him into a driven high earner if he’s not one. He will then be the resentful one as opposed to you. You both really need to see what you can compromise on before having kids which as you recognise will make it 100 x worse.

I think you are approaching one of life's crossroads where you have to make choices about what you want your future to be.
It is possible to discuss it with him and ask what he wants life to be like in say 3 years or 5 years time and whether you both want to have children or not.
The job issue is secondary. If you decide to have children - then you have to factor how it could be arranged and what sacrifices you are both willing to make to achieve that.
To some extent you have already made sacrifices to keep him in the job he loves, whilst you subsidise his lifestyle but work in demanding job that you dont particularly like. How many years have you been doing that for?
You could ask if he is willing to make a similar sacrifice for a few years and switch roles for your family unit so that having children would be possible.
It sounds like there are lots of hard decisions ahead for both of you - but talking it through now might save you both regret in the future.

To be brutally blunt here OP: he sounds like a cocklodger, enjoying his chilled lifestyle in London while you pick up the bill. How old are you both? Do you definitely want children? If so, some tough conversations to be had, but if he is not willing to get a different job so he can pull his weight, leave. The resentment will only grow and money is important.

Also, if you did separate and he was no longer being subsided by you, I bet he would get a better paying job all of a sudden...

He can't afford to not get a better paying job; he needs to think about how he would live if you weren't in the picture, and raise his game.