Stressed about money, affecting relationship

[2023IHateYou]

I’m in a job I don’t particularly like, high stress, long hours. DH is in a low paid career, which he loves. I am the higher earner, by a lot. This was fine when times were good and our outgoings weren’t so high but I’m really starting to resent it. He hasn’t had a pay rise in years. He gets to do his hobby job and clock off at 5 while I get to work long hours to pay our mortgage, holiday, everything. If I decide to take a nicer job in my sector, we would have to sell the house and make significant changes to our lifestyle. He did actually have a higher paid role for about 3 month once but he left it because it was boring and I was secretly gutted. I do wonder if he would still be doing his job if he had to actually try and live on his wage. If we had a baby, I’d have to go back at 3 months, cover most childcare fees and not see my baby Mon-Fri. His job is tied to central London btw so we can’t move to a cheaper area of the country either (funnily, i could).

I don’t know what I want from this post. I don’t want this to affect our relationship, he’s a wonderful man. But I sometimes feel I would be a nicer happier person if I had less pressure on me too.

I agree with others that the central issue is your job. And then your partner and living situation is making you feel much worse about it because not only are you in a job you hate but you feel trapped and that you’ll have to do it forever.

How old are you? If you’ve got time then perhaps spend a couple of years making changes before TTC.

Your partner should support you in making changes so you can be happy. If he doesn’t and wants you to carry on as things are so that he can live off your earnings then he was never much of a catch in the first place.

You call it a "hobby job" because he's chosen a career he loves?

You have much bigger issues here than the balance of work/income. You need to look at your issues with your own choices first. Therapy time.

It’s sounds like you need to reduce your outgoings and get a different job.

you can absolutely live in London on a lower range salary people do it everyday. Move to zone 3/4/5/6 and commute or even better bike and save money. Where do you guys think all your delivery and Uber drivers live, they’re not getting the big bucks off £2.40 a delivery are they.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong doing what you love and making a lower salary. We only have one life why should it be obsessing about money and image constantly.

change to a job where you CAN take a proper maternity leave and get a smaller mortgage. It might take about 2 years to get everything in place but really it seems to me you hate your job and resent that your husband doesn’t. Has he asked you stay in the job you’re doing? Or is he willing to reduce the current lifestyle so your work life is easier?

I don't think he's that wonderful if he's content for you to subsidise him, knowing how unhappy you are at work. It would be different if you actually liked your job.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. He's not trying to make you happy.

You resent him already. Imagine how much more you'll resent him after pregnancy wrecks your body and has no impact on his.

TBF I would not stay in a job that only allowed 3 months mat leave. It sounds like an utter shithouse of a place to work regardless of the pay. How will they behave if you get sick or need to take time out to care for family?

There are high paid jobs that don't treat you like that. Get a better job first.

Lots of people are saying he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Is that what's actually going on? Would he care if you had a significant lifestyle downgrade? I suspect not. I suspect the issue is that you really want a partner with equal earnings and income - and that is never going to be him.
You need to either accept who he is or move on.

What is it you want to do instead? I appreciate that his earning potential is a factor but take that out for a minute.

What would make you happy? I think at the moment you are overwhelmed and fantasising about the easy, stress free option (I think this often does a disservice to other jobs but I do get it, I've been there).

But you presumably have a career you've worked hard for so would that really work for you? It's probably a middle ground but you need to find it and show him you are serious.

Did you buy your property recently? Otherwise while it's not a perfect time to sell, whatever you buy will be similarly affected.

He doesn't want a big job. That's fair enough but you have to live the life that goes with it. He can do a longer commute, you can live in a smaller property, lead a cheaper life.

Really sit down and work out what you need and what has become 'what we spend money on'.

I think you really need to decide what you want, properly want other than 'not this' and drive it forward from there.

The thing is, there are other wonderful kind men - with better paying jobs.

The problem is partly the money/responsibility but the other part is that he doesnt have any ambition to change and you will, as it stands, be flexing around his job and not the other way around.

Consider counselling, financial advice, whatever you need to help him clearly see the issue and you can make a decision from there. The problem is that he doesnt want to make a lifestyle change to accommodate a family lifestyle. And if you have children he needs to be willing to make that sacrifice for the next 18 years. He isnt ready.

You’ve had lots of good advice here and it should be clear you have several options, More importantly you have to get across to partner that you are not willing to carry on being the main wage earner to such a big extent. If he’s aware of this he will have to think about your future and hopefully both be-able to come up with a solution.

You called his job a "hobby job"
Is that the male version of "she has a little job"?

Can you move to a more affordable area?

What salaries are you on?

How old are you both?

What lifestyle things are you both prepared to cut down on to make children a reality?

I think that something's got to give. I wouldn't be prepared to "carry" him financially if he's not willing to sacrifice something to make children happen eg cutting his work hours to do more childcare or SAHDadding.

I would think carefully before bringing kids into this situation. Sounds like the kids would be in round the clock childcare, you working yourself to death and him swanning about. This resentment will only build.

Agreed. Do you want your current lifestyle or do you want to be happy?

It is hard to know exactly how to advise as we have no figures but I assume you earn A LOT so there will be room for you to stay in London . The fact you dismissively call your husband's job a "hobby job" is a bit rude. I assume if it can only be done in London but is relatively low paid it must be something like Think Tank or charity work or something in the heritage or arts sector. Not high paying careers but ok pay and challenging and valuable work. More importantly it is a job he finds satisfying and it makes him happy. He has a good job.

You must know that you do not have a good job. Good jobs are not only about pay and only 3 months mat leave is not the mark of a good job.

So how about you be less dismissive of your husband's chosen career and focus on changing what you dislike about yours.

You should downsize your house and mortgage to something you can afford on a job you hate less. Every day you are working like a dog to pay this mortgage with him contributing barely nothing and living his best life, and I can tell you it's a real killer when you split up a decade or two down the line and have to hand over half of everything to him.

You've still got time to make changes and move on from this selfish man before you have kids, he becomes worse and you are trapped as breadwinner and manager of everything for the rest of your life.

He'll be an utterly shit father, whosr selfishness wont stop. I would leave and find someone else to share life properly with you. He sounds like a,massive manchild. Ugh.

This is the clincher for me.

So selfish.

It's not selfish for someone to do a job they love and still bring in an income. The problem is a lack of proper communication and planning for the future.

The OP needs to make it clear she will downgrade to a nicer, less well paid job and plan from there. And make it clear that if she leaves him he would have to move anyway.

OP, you exist to enable your husband to live his best life. You would be daft to have children with him, you will end up doing it all and it will become a terrible, toxic environment to raise kids in. Is he worth all this? He isn't a decent man if he refuses to make changes. I would certainly start looking to move to a cheaper part of the country if you insist on staying with him. Make choices for you because he certainly won't factor what you need into his life plans. Christ, even when women are the higher earners they still end up being the ones to sacrifice everything. That's why it's never comparable.

Do not have children with this man.

To all the people saying it's OPs job that is the problem, it may well be, but her getting a new job wouldn't change the fact her partner wants kids etc but doesn't want to in any way change his life. He doesn't want to move and he wants her to keep paying for his central London life. He's quite happy for her to have a job where there would be extreme pressure to go back at three months, but has no interest in shared parental leave or being a SAHD.

And to all the people saying she's legally entitled a year etc, of course she is, but the reality is some employers are not supportive and she could find herself pushed out.

If that were me I'd take the leave knowing that would happen, but I wouldn't be happy with a man who wasn't in any way willing to compromise.

I think that you are on different career paths and his choice is negatively impacting on you, which isn't fair.

You say he won't change jobs to earn more so your incomes can be more equal.

Then you have only 2 choices. Stay as you are with him, or leave him.

He's being incredibly unfair and selfish in my opinion.

But she can only control her choices, she can't control what her husband does for a job.

I think she should have an honest conversation with him among the lines of their current set up is not sustainble as she is very unhappy and it will not support their ambition to have children. Therefore she will be looking for a lower paid, less stressful job. In the light of that, they hsave to make changes - either they reduce their expenses or he can get a better paid job to make up the difference. If he refuses to consider either path, her only options are:

• move jobs anyway and force ths issue
• accept things how they are
• leave her husband

He's not wonderful if you are funding his lifestyle.
He won't change.
Don't have kids with him.

This could be a make or break situation for your relationship but maybe this does not have to be about ultimatums and growing resentment that your partner won't get a better paid job.

Taking your DH out of the equation for a moment, would YOU consider getting a lower paid job and making significant lifestyle changes to have a better work life balance?

Your DH has made it clear he will not change his job so if the answer is no to the above question then you have two choices, stay and continue being miserable or leave the relationship altogether.

If the answer is yes then sit down with DH and explain how your job is making you really unhappy and how you see how much he loves his job and you have decided that you want that too. Explicitly tell him about how bad you feel, like you are working like a dog and it is consuming you and wearing you down and building resentment. Discuss how you need to be in a happier and healthier work situation for when you decide to have children. Keep reinforcing that you see his job satisfaction and fulfilment and you want the same. It is about fairness and you need his support as it will require a significant lifestyle change ie moving to cheaper accommodation etc. How he response to this will tell you everything you need to know about his attitude to you.

I think it’s reasonable to not want to do a job you hate in favour of one you love in principle.

However in practise we aren’t silos and need to consider lots of factors before making decisions as such.

For me this would not be sustainable and I’d have to end the relationship.

I think both parties need to be making an equal effort in all areas and from what you say this isn’t about you being an investment banker and him being a nurse or teacher which is a different conversation.

We don't know that though as OP is refusing to say what he does or what they both earn which is essential information really.

Honestly I think your definition of wonderful and everyone’s else’s is very different, he’s taking you for a mug and you’re his enabler. You fund his lifestyle, like his parents did.

uoud be an utter fool to have a child with this man, you’d be better being a single parent as opposed to trying to work to pay for your child and him.

however , and this is a big however. You knew what he was like. You still decided to go there. And then started paying for him