Stressed about money, affecting relationship

[2023IHateYou]

I’m in a job I don’t particularly like, high stress, long hours. DH is in a low paid career, which he loves. I am the higher earner, by a lot. This was fine when times were good and our outgoings weren’t so high but I’m really starting to resent it. He hasn’t had a pay rise in years. He gets to do his hobby job and clock off at 5 while I get to work long hours to pay our mortgage, holiday, everything. If I decide to take a nicer job in my sector, we would have to sell the house and make significant changes to our lifestyle. He did actually have a higher paid role for about 3 month once but he left it because it was boring and I was secretly gutted. I do wonder if he would still be doing his job if he had to actually try and live on his wage. If we had a baby, I’d have to go back at 3 months, cover most childcare fees and not see my baby Mon-Fri. His job is tied to central London btw so we can’t move to a cheaper area of the country either (funnily, i could).

I don’t know what I want from this post. I don’t want this to affect our relationship, he’s a wonderful man. But I sometimes feel I would be a nicer happier person if I had less pressure on me too.

Have you done a spread sheet and presented him with he facts? I think he needs to see the reality of the situation and by how much you are carrying him.

X is half the mortgage Y is half the bills Z is the potential c childcare costs.

Then do a moving calculation - new mortgage bills insurance petrol coatings

Men deal with facts not emotions

I agree with a pp that your unhappiness seems to come from your job. Presumably income differentiation wouldn't be a problem if you liked what you were doing - very few two people earn the same, after all. From that you're projecting all sorts - that he could get a better paid job (really? Most people who don't earn much and have never earned much can't just suddenly start getting paid £££s), that he should have had a payrise and it's his fault he hasn't (most UK employees haven't had a payrise in 15 years) , that you can't afford kids (unless you're in debt to start with two full time workers can afford kids) ... and so on. I hear your frustration but I wonder if you've really considered where it's come from and why you're aiming it all at someone who works full time and contributes to household expenses.

I agree with @PotOfTeaForOne. You are being taken for a ride. You keep talking about working 'like a dog'....... While he toodles along in a hobby job. Add children into the mix and you'll be eating a very toxic soup.

This isn't going to work. You need to think rationally. He does not care enough to modify his work in any way at all. And doesn't see the need to up his game to make it possible for you to give him the children he says he wants.

It is clear that you resent him now. How much more would you resent him if you were to decide to have kids?

Don't do it. You know it doesn't make sense!¹

At the moment your in job you don't like but your the main earner. Your husband wants to have a family but he is earning far less. You realised that you can't do this due to his lack of earnings, the cost of living and the cost of childcare. Then you know in your current job they will want you back in 3 months.

Show him the cost of all your expenses such as your mortgage, bills, food, holidays ect along with both your incomes. Then tell him the weekly cost of putting a very young baby in a local nursery. Tell him as well that your not happy in your current job because of the hours and stress and that you want to change jobs.
Then ask him how does he think that as a couple you can afford to have a baby? Ask him what does he suggest that you do now as a couple to have a family?

It time for him to realise that having a baby is not possible unless he gets a better job with more money. He needs to step up now and work with you in coming up with a plan to improve things for both of you.

Unless he is willing to change his job to a better paying one or to move out of London I would tell him that you have decided to end things. I would get legal advice before doing this and you can decide then what to do next.

He wants at least two children but won't get a better paid job or consider becoming a SAHD.

He's fine with you going back to work after three months and would prefer you did that than him make any changes to his life?

He's happy to watch you work like a dog to fund his relaxed London lifestyle.

He's not a wonderful man. He's a selfish individual who puts his own needs first. Don't lower yourself by trying to compromise, just leave him!

Such men make shit fathers btw. Self centred ness and parenthood do not mix.

What @ChrisTrepidation said.

If he he won't be a SAHP, and travels so can't reliably do his share of parenting, drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc, why exactly does he want DC?

It doesn't sound like he's planning to be doing much of the day to day care.

If you have a baby with him, it sounds like you'll be still doing all the night wakings and combining work etc when baby is a few months old and be on your knees with exhaustion, feeling like you're failing at both home and work, while he potters about with his hobby that brings in a bit of pocket money. Don't do it.

He can't have it all, at your expense, which is what is happening now.

OP you need to have a really serious conversation with him.

He can't have the low paying job and not contribute anything to the household or parenting etc.

If you choose to have children with him, he needs to make sacrifices.

How did he live before you came along and paid his mortgage and bills?

Could it be that you have different expectations of lifestyle? Plus he has no clue how expensive childcare is?

I think you need a conversation with a spreadsheet in front of him. Explain clearly that he is not paying his way, that you are stressed and tired, and that while you want a family, it is simply not possible on his current income.

Then present the options. 1. Moving out of London. If he's public sector he will be able to get something somewhere else. 2. him getting a better paid job, 3. selling and downsizing. 4. him being a sahd.

If he refuses to budge on any of them, you'll need to think about what you want for the future, because no-one who cares would put their partner in that situation.

There's a few things here to unpick.

You are legally entitled to 9-12 months maternity leave. I don't understand why you say 3months only?

Your H is on a low paid job that involves travel and you'd have to sort cast iron childcare. No. Just no. Something needs to give. If children do come along then he needs to make sacrifices. You can't do it all.

You really need a blunt conversation here.

What do you want to be happy?

What is this job, which he can only do in central London? Nowhere else? And how did he afford to live in central London before you were a couple?
So many questions about this!

Also, of you have stayed in a high stress high pay job you hate for so long, you must also enjoy the lifestyle it buys.

You have made a choice as much as him.

I was thinking the arts, so theatre etc, but then the OP says he finishes at 5 every day. Possibly in a museum? That's notoriously badly paid, but still competitive as in people want to work there.

But to me it seems like a no brainer that, if the OP can work anywhere and earn a decent wage, that they move to a less expensive city and he finds similar work or just any job. After all, in many cities, a mid to high earner and full time NMW would provide a good lifestyle even with DC.

You are legally entitled to 9-12 months maternity leave. I don't understand why you say 3months only?

Because your income drastically reduces on maternity leave...

So if he wasn't with you, he would be financially unable to live in London where his job is. Does he not see that?? I think the ball's in your court. You are absolutely entitled to have a less stressful (and thus not so well paid) job if that's what you want, and if that paycut means you have to move somewhere cheaper then he either comes with you and finds another job or he finds another way to pay for his London life.

@Drakmo he got the higher paying job, but left after three months because he didn't like it. He's choosing to stay on the wage he is.

"You are legally entitled to 9-12 months maternity leave. I don't understand why you say 3months only?"

There's sectors that manage women out if they take full maternity, as well as not being entitled to full pay for that amount of time.

OP blunt conversations need to happen. Two children can't happen, or even one, at present. There's got to be more of a commitment and compromise on his part. As he gets older he isn't going to be more inclined to work harder. You are going to be carrying him forever. He's probably going to be relying on your pension as well. Before anyone does the reverse the sexes bollacks, it doesn't work when the issue is maternity leave and being the primary carer, the main breadwinner can't do both.

What really strikes me is that it's usually the higher earner's job that dictates where a couple lives and the lower earner who takes up most of the slack from the demands of the higher earner's job. Not so in this case. He gets to earn less, fine. He gets to live in an expensive place, fine if he's paying for it himself or if you were happy to support him to do this, but what's currently happening is he gets his great fulfilling job literally at your expense. And then he gets to travel around without a care in the world while you combine your long hours and high stress with all the logistics of a (hypothetical at this point) child? No wonder you're feeling resentful. There's currently very little in this for you.

I think you need to spell out to him that your resentment is growing and that your marriage is going to be in trouble long-term if you don't both come up with a way forward together. Sadly, it doesn't sound as if he'll be terribly responsive, but the resentment is a warning sign that something needs to change.

There's going to be a twist here where we find out he's earning £60k 😂

Most people leave it too late in life to realise it's better to do a job you love. Down grade your job, your expectations, your holidays, your house (eventually) and both do a job you love and have kids. Life is over in a blink of an eye. Did lockdown make you stop and think what's really important to you? (Clue: it's not big houses and big holidays)

I'm also thinking museum work? You need to write everything down and present it to him in black and white.

Why do you say 'he's a wonderful man'? How did he manage his life before he met you and found someone to pay the bills?

As others have said, you can't have everything in life, it's hard to give advice without knowing your lifestyle and what you mean by 'significant changes' if you had less income but if he is seriously not prepared to either lower his expectations or get a better paid position then there is no compromise. Don't let him take you for a ride ... his lovely lifestyle and 'hobby job' is only possible because of the sacrifices you are making. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

He doesn't sound very nice. He's happy to let you fund his lovely lifestyle, but not willing to compromise on anything at all.

Does he realise that if you burn out, or separate due to stress he'd lose his house and his job?

If his job is tied to London can you look at other areas to live within a commutable distance? I'd even go so far as to say places like Milton Keynes or Northampton, both of which are within an hour and a half train journey. He can either like it or lump it.

Op beware of any solution where he does become a SAHD. If you split he will be primary career, get custody of children, & you will be funding his life style until your youngest is 18.

Also it could be perfectly possible to live a London life with one lower earner and a medium earner, plenty of us do it. You just have to make compromises. You know - live in- shock horror - the suburbs.

You need to work out as a couple what is important.

He loves his job.

You hate your job but you both like the money and the lifestlye it affords.

You both want children.

You are unable or unwilling to take more than 3 months mat leave.

The immediate issues

• leave London - tjat would reduce expenses but apparently.limit your husband's abiloty to do the job he loves.

• husband gets a much better paid job, but then he will be as miserable as you.

• you get a bettwr but lower paid job abd you reduce hoiaehold expenses to match.

• you carry on in your current jon but your husband bears the burden of childcare. Can he take shared parental leave to take up the slack of your (criminally short) maternity leave?

The bottom line is if you both want children you BOTH have to rethink your job choices - you need to work less and take a proper maternity leave, he needs to get a better paid job and knock the travel on the head.

I think you're more resentful that he's in a job he loves than you are about what he earns.

You picked this just as much as he did - you chose the big mortgage, the big job with the long, stressful hours so it must have appealed to you at some point, surely?

If you both genuinely want children and a future together then you both need to make changes.

Do not have kids with him. Kids can bring the worse out of people and your partner seems already have it. He is soo Irresponsible and selfish. No wonderful person is irresponsible like that especially with family. Unfortunately its gonna get worse when you have kids.

I don't see this working OP.
Everything is about enabling DH to live the life he wants at your expense.
Add kids in and it all gets a whole lot worse.