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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sick but still wanting to come over

87 replies

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 16:56

I'm in a dilemma here and was hoping for some insight. My friend is due to come over for dinner on Wednesday. We had planned this for a while due to our schedules. However she's been unwell the past two weeks. She said it's the flu and not COVID. I did ask at the start of the illness if she had tested for COVID as there is a surge currently (certainly where I work) and it seems to be going around even in my wider circle of friends.

I have been extra careful as my FIL has cancer (he is undergoing chemo) and so obviously I don't want to spread it to him - or indeed anyone! She left me a voice note today and was hacking away in between rambling. The cough sounded truly awful. I asked her again it she had tested for COVID. She said no, but didn't think it was COVID anyway. How she's so sure without testing, I have no idea.

I don't know how to tell her that maybe not catching up tomorrow is a good idea.

I know this reads as a very 2020 problem, so I'm sorry if this has been done to death.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 16:58

Sorry friend but as FIL has cancer, I can't risk him getting sick - we'll have to rearrange for when you're better.

Crunchymum · 20/03/2023 16:58

Just tell her no. She is ill and you don't want to chance getting ill yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's Covid or not, you don't want to chance giving someone having chemo any illness.

In fact leaving aside your FIL, why would you want to be around someone sick?

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/03/2023 16:59

Please.

Just leave her a voice note - "Hi friend, I could hear you are still unwell from your voice note. I'm going to cancel tomorrow (have to protect FIL if not me) and we'll rearrange when you're better. Lots of love, get well soon."

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/03/2023 17:00

Gosh, no, why would anyone want her to visit? If you have any spare tests either pop them through her door or send them by mail. It does sound like she needs to be tested.

Endlesssummer2022 · 20/03/2023 17:00

Just tell her no, wish her to get well soon and suggest new dates.

KarmaStar · 20/03/2023 17:01

Agree you need to cancel,covid or not she should not be spreading infections around.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 17:01

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/03/2023 16:59

Please.

Just leave her a voice note - "Hi friend, I could hear you are still unwell from your voice note. I'm going to cancel tomorrow (have to protect FIL if not me) and we'll rearrange when you're better. Lots of love, get well soon."

This, it's all you need to say, I don't know why she thinks it's OK to come round and potentially spread her illness with you anyway!

magicstar1 · 20/03/2023 17:02

Even if it's not Covid, but flu or a chest infection, you don't want to pick that up. Just tell her you'll postpone until she's feeling better.

Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:02

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/03/2023 17:00

Gosh, no, why would anyone want her to visit? If you have any spare tests either pop them through her door or send them by mail. It does sound like she needs to be tested.

I suggested this over the past fortnight as I have COVID tests to hand (which she knows due to the nature of my work). She declined!

Agreed RE: the poster about why anyone would want to be around anyone else that's sick - COVID or not. I don't think she get that. Just unbelievable.

OP posts:
Lookingforwardtothesummer · 20/03/2023 17:05

It doesn't matter if it's Covid or not, you don't want to chance giving someone having chemo any illness.

This.

Marchforward · 20/03/2023 17:08

Tell her no. You can’t risk FIL catching flu off you.

SalviaDivinorum · 20/03/2023 17:08

Is she still actually sick? My own "covid cough" continued for weeks after I was testing negative. I sounded dreadful but was no longer contagious.

WonderingWanda · 20/03/2023 17:08

Coughs can hang around for ages though she is probably over the worst of it and back at work so doesn't think it's a problem. Of course if you are worried about a relative then by all means cancel. I'm not sure it matters if it's covid, flu or any other bug.

Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:13

SalviaDivinorum · 20/03/2023 17:08

Is she still actually sick? My own "covid cough" continued for weeks after I was testing negative. I sounded dreadful but was no longer contagious.

I think this is her logic. The worst of it is over according to her (no more fever as she had in the first week) so even though she said she's ok to be out and about (she said went on a date on Saturday), the cough is relenting. That said, I followed all the rules since 2020 and I simply don't want to get anyone sick - FIL included obviously.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 20/03/2023 17:15

Would make no difference to me if it was covid or flu or even a cold. Someone in your family has cancer. That's all that is relevant. Cancel.

bloodywhitecat · 20/03/2023 17:15

Covid or no covid there would be no way she'd be coming in my house like that if I had contact with someone on active chemo.

ElonsMusky · 20/03/2023 17:17

I'd rather have Covid than the flu any day, at least based on my own experiences with both.

Saying "it's not covid, it's the flu" isn't really making a good case for why you should come to my house lol....how about come over when you feel better?

Mirabai · 20/03/2023 17:23

I’ve just had Covid after evading it for 3 years. If you’re in London it’s quite likely to be Covid as it’s doing the rounds and I know loads of people (all vacc’d) who’ve had it since January. I’ve tested myself regularly until I was negative. Anything else is negligent imo.

It doesn’t even matter if it’s flu, you don’t want to pass that on either.

It’s very easy to tell her you’re cancelling: ‘I’m sorry whether it’s Covid or flu I have to cancel due to FIL” will suffice.

Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:24

Mirabai · 20/03/2023 17:23

I’ve just had Covid after evading it for 3 years. If you’re in London it’s quite likely to be Covid as it’s doing the rounds and I know loads of people (all vacc’d) who’ve had it since January. I’ve tested myself regularly until I was negative. Anything else is negligent imo.

It doesn’t even matter if it’s flu, you don’t want to pass that on either.

It’s very easy to tell her you’re cancelling: ‘I’m sorry whether it’s Covid or flu I have to cancel due to FIL” will suffice.

Yep. London. :(

OP posts:
Mirabai · 20/03/2023 17:25

You know what to do OP.

Puppers · 20/03/2023 17:26

It doesn't really matter whether it's Covid or not. She's sick and you cannot risk passing anything on to FIL. Just rearrange for another time.

Does she always try and railroad you like this? And do you always struggle to speak up for yourself over simple things when it comes to her? This really shouldn't be a source of any angst at all and the fact that it is, indicates that this isn't the healthiest friendship.

bucketloadofcats · 20/03/2023 17:27

OP, I'm in a similar situation to you. I would cancel, and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

She might try to make you feel awkward or guilty for not spending time with her, but imagine how awful you would feel if you caught her crap, passed it onto FIL, and he passed away as a result. It's just not worth the risk. People on chemo are so vulnerable to even a regular cold, and this person doesn't even care enough to test for Covid.

I would also reassess my friendship, given she doesn't seem to give a shiny shit about the difficult position you're in.

Since having a loved one diagnosed with cancer myself, I've cut a few selfish people and recognised how wonderful some other people are. Now is the time to prune the friendship tree...

pigsDOfly · 20/03/2023 17:28

You say you don't know how to tell that you don't want her to come.

Just be very blunt and straightforward and tell her that you don't want to have her come over for dinner on Wednesday as you're worried about catching whatever it is/was.

It sounds like she's been very unwell and regardless of what she's had you don't want to catch it yourself or, perhaps more importantly, catch it and pass it on to FIL, which could have serious repercussion.

She's being very unfair putting you on the spot like this. She needs to accept what you say and respect your concerns re FIL.

She's not worried about upsetting you by being insistent about coming to you so you really don't have to be too worried about upsetting her.

A worry for you as well, is that if you do catch something from her and you're asymptomatic, you could pass it on to FIL without realising that you're actually infectious.

GlassBunion · 20/03/2023 17:34

Just tell her that your dad is v poorly and you cannot be put into a position where you might be exposed to viruses .

If you're still coughing, you're still expelling something.

InSpainTheRain · 20/03/2023 17:35

Sorry x but my FIL has cancer and I can't take the risk with flu. I'll need to reschedule when you're better. Get well soon!