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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sick but still wanting to come over

87 replies

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 16:56

I'm in a dilemma here and was hoping for some insight. My friend is due to come over for dinner on Wednesday. We had planned this for a while due to our schedules. However she's been unwell the past two weeks. She said it's the flu and not COVID. I did ask at the start of the illness if she had tested for COVID as there is a surge currently (certainly where I work) and it seems to be going around even in my wider circle of friends.

I have been extra careful as my FIL has cancer (he is undergoing chemo) and so obviously I don't want to spread it to him - or indeed anyone! She left me a voice note today and was hacking away in between rambling. The cough sounded truly awful. I asked her again it she had tested for COVID. She said no, but didn't think it was COVID anyway. How she's so sure without testing, I have no idea.

I don't know how to tell her that maybe not catching up tomorrow is a good idea.

I know this reads as a very 2020 problem, so I'm sorry if this has been done to death.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/03/2023 18:37

On seeing her reply, she is selfish and self absorbed!
Whatever it is or isn't you don't want the risk!

WeeOrcadian · 20/03/2023 18:37

I've just taken three weeks off sick for 'flu'. Whatever TF it is that's going around, it's vile.
"sorry, we can't risk passing anything on, we need to take a rain check"

magma32 · 20/03/2023 18:38

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:54

Messaged her. Her response (verbatim):

"But you work in a hospital laboratory... I am not sick. It is not covid. Ive had covid before and this is not it."

(I do work in a laboratory as a researcher - I do not work with patients! I have a PhD, which is not the same as an MD!)

I wouldn’t have much patience after this response tbh. I would be tempted to tell her to F off at this point or just ignore her and put an end friendship as she clearly has no respect for you or any concern for your ill relative.

amylou8 · 20/03/2023 18:39

Sick FIL aside, why would you want to share her germs and get the lurgi yourself when you don't need to. I'm not a germphobe in the slightest, but if someone is obviously ill, and seeing them is not necessary, then they can piss right off until they're better.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 20/03/2023 18:39

‘Sorry, but we still need to rearrange. I’m not mixing with anyone who is unwell in any way whether it’s covid, flu, cold or anything else’

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 20/03/2023 18:40

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:54

Messaged her. Her response (verbatim):

"But you work in a hospital laboratory... I am not sick. It is not covid. Ive had covid before and this is not it."

(I do work in a laboratory as a researcher - I do not work with patients! I have a PhD, which is not the same as an MD!)

Her assertion that it’s different and therefore not Covid is bollocks. I’ve had it twice and they were completely different. Once I was mildly ill but with a terrible cough and breathlessness that buggered my lungs for a year, the other was like flu that absolutely floored me but no cough.

Both covid, but different strains.

Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 18:45

Puppers · 20/03/2023 18:25

What was your message to her, OP?

My initial message that prompted the response I got from her (see my previous post was)

"Hey. So sorry to hear you are still unwell! I really hope you get well soon. It is definitely going around! As for Weds, I think we need to postpone dinner until you're 100%. We are visiting J & E this weekend and I need to lay low and not potentially pass on any illness."

(Used initials above only for this forum).

(I didn't mention the chemo as she knows J has cancer and earlier in our chat, we were talking about his very chemo!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 18:45

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 20/03/2023 18:40

Her assertion that it’s different and therefore not Covid is bollocks. I’ve had it twice and they were completely different. Once I was mildly ill but with a terrible cough and breathlessness that buggered my lungs for a year, the other was like flu that absolutely floored me but no cough.

Both covid, but different strains.

Show quote history

Same here!

OP posts:
Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 20/03/2023 18:45

Make it a Zoom & wine, I would go as far as dropping off some home cooked meals for the friend. You can still connect online and nobody’s at risk

RaininSummer · 20/03/2023 18:46

No point in her testing after two weeks really but you definitely don't want to meet up with her whilst unwell. Just tell her that.

Wrongsideofpennines · 20/03/2023 18:48

Regardless of if its covid or not if she is still coughing away then I wouldn't want to risk catching it from her and passing it on to your father in law.

Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 18:50

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/03/2023 17:36

If she’s been ill for 2 weeks then even if it was covid she’d be well past the recommended 5-day isolation period and even past the very cautious 10-day period. A cough can linger for weeks or even months but it doesn’t mean she’s still unwell. Unless your FIL is going to be there with you and friend I wouldn’t be worried about a lingering cough from an illness she had 2 weeks ago.

This is her logic. She's thinking she can't pass anything on BECAUSE it has been so long - and that I'm being precious. Regardless, the coughing was relentless and a deep chesty one. So COVID is almost a moot point. (for reference... the best thing I can describe it sounding like... is a smoker's cough - and she doesn't smoke!)

She's also thinking because I work in a laboratory in a teaching hospital, I have no right to 'judge'. Our entire 'wing' is just laboratories! We are not even in the same building as patients!

OP posts:
Original poster
lrdefender · 20/03/2023 18:51

Anyway; I have cancelled. I just wish it wasn't such a 'fight' so to speak.

I will never get over how little awareness and/or how little care some people seem to have for others. Seems like the pandemic is a distant memory for some!

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/03/2023 18:55

I'd be blunt as fuck with her at this point. "It doesn't matter whether it's COVID. You are I'll and I'm not risking passing it onto X. You can't come over tomorrow."

It may damage the friendship, but to be honest it doesn't sound like she gives a shit about you or your family anyway.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 20/03/2023 18:57

Oh fuck that.

I don’t have a relative going through chemo, but Covid or not, I still don’t want to hang out with someone coughing their guts up.

Grim.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 20/03/2023 19:22

Fuck that, an old friend came to visit last week coughing away, oh it was just the cigarettes. Now I am coughing too and feeling rotten. I have not been sick for three years and I am so pissed off as have a vulnerable family member.

philautia · 20/03/2023 19:44

I'd rather get COVID than flu. Just say you will rearrange when she's better.

CheersForThatEh · 20/03/2023 19:49

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:54

Messaged her. Her response (verbatim):

"But you work in a hospital laboratory... I am not sick. It is not covid. Ive had covid before and this is not it."

(I do work in a laboratory as a researcher - I do not work with patients! I have a PhD, which is not the same as an MD!)

You've cancelled so just dig in.

"How does Wednesday 29th suit? I'm also free on XYZ"

Tilllly · 20/03/2023 19:52

And apart from all these good points, why on earth does she want to go anywhere when she's ill? Hunker down at home and get better

Hope it blows over OP and she's not awkward

CoQ10 · 20/03/2023 20:35

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 20/03/2023 18:57

Oh fuck that.

I don’t have a relative going through chemo, but Covid or not, I still don’t want to hang out with someone coughing their guts up.

Grim.

^^

This exactly 💯

MumOf2Here · 20/03/2023 20:54

you’ll have to cancel especially with your father in law being unwell, also you don’t want to catch anything yourself.
The sooner you cancel the better, as closer to the date she might be annoyed as you knew she was unwell so why didn’t you cancel sooner xx

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/03/2023 20:56

Flu is every bit as contagious as Covid and can cause elderly people to become very sick, hospitalized or even lead to death. I would just reschedule and tell your friend that you can’t put your FIL’s health (or your own) at risk.

gamerchick · 20/03/2023 20:58

Even the fucking flu isn't acceptable OP. It's nos all round. Cheeky twat.

Cornishclio · 20/03/2023 21:01

You were right to cancel and your friend sounds selfish. Doesn't matter if it is flu, covid or some other respiratory illness it is perfectly ok to say you don't want to risk catching it or passing it on. Anyone who does not understand that is self absorbed.

bucketloadofcats · 20/03/2023 21:01

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 20/03/2023 18:57

Oh fuck that.

I don’t have a relative going through chemo, but Covid or not, I still don’t want to hang out with someone coughing their guts up.

Grim.

I have a relative going through palliative chemo (i.e. they're dying; they won't go into remission) and honestly, I'm so angry on the OP's behalf. Even if it's "just a cold" to someone healthy, it's not "just" anything to someone who is immunocompromised. I don't understand how some people can't understand that.

I do my best to avoid getting sick because if I get ill, I can't see my relative. That's time I will never get back.

Any friend who didn't understand my pain would not be a friend anymore. I don't expect people to know what to say to make me feel less angry or less alone, but I do expect them to make actions of not knowingly infecting me.

A friend cancelled dinner the other night because she's come down with something and whilst it's mild, she knew I wouldn't want to take the risk. Instead, we had a really long girly chat on the phone. Now, that's a friend.

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