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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend sick but still wanting to come over

87 replies

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 16:56

I'm in a dilemma here and was hoping for some insight. My friend is due to come over for dinner on Wednesday. We had planned this for a while due to our schedules. However she's been unwell the past two weeks. She said it's the flu and not COVID. I did ask at the start of the illness if she had tested for COVID as there is a surge currently (certainly where I work) and it seems to be going around even in my wider circle of friends.

I have been extra careful as my FIL has cancer (he is undergoing chemo) and so obviously I don't want to spread it to him - or indeed anyone! She left me a voice note today and was hacking away in between rambling. The cough sounded truly awful. I asked her again it she had tested for COVID. She said no, but didn't think it was COVID anyway. How she's so sure without testing, I have no idea.

I don't know how to tell her that maybe not catching up tomorrow is a good idea.

I know this reads as a very 2020 problem, so I'm sorry if this has been done to death.

OP posts:

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/03/2023 17:36

If she’s been ill for 2 weeks then even if it was covid she’d be well past the recommended 5-day isolation period and even past the very cautious 10-day period. A cough can linger for weeks or even months but it doesn’t mean she’s still unwell. Unless your FIL is going to be there with you and friend I wouldn’t be worried about a lingering cough from an illness she had 2 weeks ago.

Singularity82 · 20/03/2023 17:37

Covid or not, tell her no. “Just flu”- do you realise how lethal flu can be to an immunocompromised person?

Candleabra · 20/03/2023 17:40

Yes covid is a moot point. Who wants someone ill to come over and socialise. Honestly. I get this at work all the time, obviously ill people spreading germs but parroting It’s not Covid. Oh well that’s ok then! Super annoying.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/03/2023 17:43

She's very selfish.
Just tell her you're going to cancel as you have a vulnerable family member( even if it's " just" a cold, you wouldn't want to pass it to him)

Chicaontour · 20/03/2023 17:43

You do not have a dilemma, your husband has cancer and therefore a compromised immune system. Your friend may or nor gave covid but she is sick and therefore can not visit. Where is the dilemma? OP I am speaking harshly as it would be insane to allow a visit from your friend.

Original poster

lrdefender · 20/03/2023 17:54

Messaged her. Her response (verbatim):

"But you work in a hospital laboratory... I am not sick. It is not covid. Ive had covid before and this is not it."

(I do work in a laboratory as a researcher - I do not work with patients! I have a PhD, which is not the same as an MD!)

OP posts:

Delatron · 20/03/2023 18:01

I think flu is just as bad (if it worse) than Covid for many and it’s your call.

If she became ill 2 weeks ago she won’t be infectious any more. But I would still feel twitchy having someone coughing all over me. Plus if the dinner is at your house then it’s your prerogative.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/03/2023 18:06

Can you not just say sorry, Covid or anything else, that you're just not prepared to risk it because of your vulnerable FIL?

madeleine85 · 20/03/2023 18:07

Either way it would be a no for me, neither flu nor covid is really safe for your family situation. We also find that a lot of the at home covid tests just do not work. We took near to 10 of them over a series of days at xmas before going to a party as we were not feeling well, but were on the tail end. They were all negative, we went, and close friends got sick, they took covid at home tests, came back negative, daycare made them get a PCR and those were positive.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2023 18:12

She sounds appaulingly selfish.
I'd reply
"Nevertheless. I can't take the risk with FIL being so vulnerable so I am cancelling and will rearrange for a later date"

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/03/2023 18:16

Puppers · 20/03/2023 17:26

It doesn't really matter whether it's Covid or not. She's sick and you cannot risk passing anything on to FIL. Just rearrange for another time.

Does she always try and railroad you like this? And do you always struggle to speak up for yourself over simple things when it comes to her? This really shouldn't be a source of any angst at all and the fact that it is, indicates that this isn't the healthiest friendship.

This. She doesn't sound like much of a "friend."

Pliudev · 20/03/2023 18:18

This happened to us at Christmas. 'Friend' said she wasn't well but would come and wear a mask except when eating. I told her that wouldn't be possible (my husband is vulnerable) and she sent me a passive aggressive message on Christmas eve saying she hoped I was enjoying myself but she was very hurt that I thought she would pass on a contagious disease. Well, it turned out it was covid and she did pass it on to others. I was so glad that I'd said no. Do it OP. I don't understand why anyone would risk making others ill.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 20/03/2023 18:18

Just reply "sorry can't take any risks with FILs cancer. Hope you feel better soon."

She's putting her needs above yours and fils, she's not much of a friend.

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 18:19

Hi friend, sorry you are ill. To be on the safe side I will abe to put our meeting off. . My fil has cancer and I can't take the risk of passing anything on as he is very weak. See you when you recover. Hope you feel better soon.

NannyGythaOgg · 20/03/2023 18:20

I wouldn't be testing.

I definitely wouldn't be visiting. Naff all to do with covid she has a virus/bacterial infection that may well be contagious and should not want to be spreading the infetion.

Phoebo · 20/03/2023 18:20

Just tell her! If she's a decent human being, she'll understand

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2023 18:22

Her latest message is completely irrelevant. Just say, we'll rearrange when you're better.

callthataspade · 20/03/2023 18:24

Jesus. She's a friend you say? With friends like this who needs enemies

I'd just shut it down now. FIL is sick. We're taking no chances. See you another time.

Don't give her any wriggle room. And if she turns up (she sounds the cheeky fuck sort) don't open the door!

Puppers · 20/03/2023 18:25

What was your message to her, OP?

Mirabai · 20/03/2023 18:25

“Hi it doesn’t matter if it’s Covid or not. FIL is CEV so I have to rearrange,”

Ladybug14 · 20/03/2023 18:27

Why is she still a friend?

redbigbananafeet · 20/03/2023 18:28

Regardless of if it's Covid or flu you don't want your father getting it. Tell her this and ask to rearrange

Netcam · 20/03/2023 18:28

Unfortunately some people care more about themselves than others. At the end of the day it's your choice if you want her to come over in those situation and if she is a proper friend she will respect that choice. We have Covid in our house for the first time at the moment. Basically because my teens were with their dad (my ex) for a couple of days who had it and he didn't tell them or me. He gave Covid to them and then disappeared off to his girlfriend's house early in the morning before they were up. Once he got there texted the kids to say they now have to stay with me as he has Covid and is too ill to drive back.

Emmamoo89 · 20/03/2023 18:34

She's not a friend! X

Whichwhatnow · 20/03/2023 18:35

No way OP. My dad had cancer during the pandemic (now in remission thankfully, but still vulnerable). Whether COVID or not I wouldn't risk being around anyone that had an infectious illness and then around him! Your friend is being really selfish.

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