Who to prioritise, daughter or partner?

[SilkPass]

I was a single mum for 15 years and met my partner when my daughter was 19, we've been together for 6 years. I have an older son too.

My daughter and I have had a volatile relationship in the past but for the last three to four years everything has been sweet between us and I've supported her enormously (especially financially) at great cost to myself and my partner. She can be very manipulative but also insightful, funny, loving and I love and adore her (and my son).

At first she was not keen on my partner (I guess she was used to me being on my own so the adjustment was hard) but grew to like him. He has done so much for her over the years, more than her father ever did, and will run to sort out any problem at the drop of a hat, lend her money etc. however he has been cross at the way both children disrespect me over the years.

She asked me for money yesterday and I refused, saying I was short of money myself when I got an all out attack via text. How I was failing myself and both children for not choosing a man who was financially solvent and should be living in a large detached house (with bedrooms for them all I suppose?) and how I should be winding down instead of still working in my mid-50's. She was so nasty and hurtful and asked me what the f*ck I thought I was doing with my partner who came from a very poor background but works incredibly hard to provide for us, and we are working our way out of debt and into a good position, but with Covid and the loss of our clothing business due to Covid it's been hard and he has had to retrain himself.

What makes someone go from being charming and loving to a nasty person I barely recognise? How do I deal with the hurt she is causing? Even if we follow the usual cycle of her apologising she has put those hurtful words and comments out there now and can't undo them. She would never say such hurtful things to my partner directly, they are always directed at me, so he is clueless at how she is behind his back and I'm too ashamed to ever tell him, he would be so sad to know she attacks his background and personality behind his back.

I've been there for her every step of the way and supported her through a recent career change and it's so upsetting to have her turn on me and especially my partner who is loving and kind and has in turn stuck with me and the difficulties I have had both career-wise and looking after elderly parents. AIBU to put my partner first as she seems to see it as a competition? She's even told me that I should leave all my money (what money!!) to both children not to my partner as 'that's what parents should do for their children'.

Does your daughter live with you? Do you ever challenge her on her disgraceful behaviour in respect of both you and your partner?
If yes to the first question, I suggest that you ask her to leave, with a month's notice.
If no to the second question, I suggest that you do challenge her and instruct that if she doesn't mend her ways you will have nothing more to do with her. And stick to both those paths.

I don't know about the rest (she sounds rude & dramatic) but yeah you should leave your children your money not your partner- isn't that obvious???

It's fine to put your partner first in a situation like this. I know you adore your daughter but she sounds highly manipulative and sweet and lovely only as long as the money keeps flowing.

Lol just read the bit about 'what money' fair enough lmao

Sounds like she has some serious issues and I wouldn't entertain the idea of helping her out financially ever again.
She's nice when you give her what she wants and awful to the point of verbally abusive when you dare deny her something.

Cut your loses and limit contact with her, you are just a means to an end that she can and has been manipulating for years, she has no warm fuzzy feelings for you at all.

YANBU.

Is it possible your daughter has narcissistic tendencies? Especially after all the help you’ve offered previously. As a PP said, I’d be looking to slowly cut ties with her.

I’d hate the thought my mum was with someone for his money, rather than a mutual loving relationship!

Your daughter is clearly a spoilt brat. She is 25 years old, a fully grown adult woman. She should not be pressurising her mum for money in the first place, and she should DEFINITELY not be then verbally abusing her mother when she’s told no.

Put your foot down and stop accepting the way she treats you. It will be hard in the beginning but you will be doing her a big favour in the longrun as she will finally have to learn to stand on her own two feet, be accountable for her behaviour and learn that she doesn’t get her way by being vile to the people she’s asking favours of. She sounds awful. Put a stop to it right now. You owe her nothing. How dare she badmouth you and your DP?

She's 25, she should be earning her own money. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to help her case.

I was actually disgusted reading that. I would tell her how horrified you are and that you need some space from her.

That she doesn't get to speak to you like that.

What a vile creature

I agree with her that if you had money to leave it should go to your children rather than your partner, but she is being a brat.

You don’t need to choose between your daughter and your partner through, there is no need to put either one first when they are both adults.

Oh come on, you can't tell your daughter that you have nothing more to do with her. She's behaving really really badly but you can't just cut someone dead like that.

I have a dd like yours. I love her very much. She's absolutely great....until I disagree with her or say no. Then she just erupts at me. The verbal abuse is horrendous. She totally rewrites her whole childhood and throws these made up allegations of being a terrible mother to her at me. Then when she cools down I'm either expected to pretend it didn't happen or I get a half arsed sorry..always with a but thrown in.

She says awful things about my dh her stepdad of over 20 years. Even though this amazing man has bought her up, cared for her and provided her with a good life. She would say I could/should do better than him.

I told him when she blew up at me once. I wasn't coping very well (was poorly at the time) and needed his support. He was hurt but more angry at her behaviour. He decided to step back from her and no longer provided the support he used to. I had some therapy for something else and my therapist gave me some help with my dd actions when she's like this.

I basically have my boundaries, if she blows up over whatever (usually babysitting or money) I disengage and turn my phone off. But she then started ranting to her sibling and her dad my exh about me. Calling me all sorts. They too then decided that when she starts this behaviour they too disengage and refuse to get into a conversation with her about me. This has stopped the constant barrage of texts and abusive phone calls I get whenever she's pissed off about anything (I get the blame for anything and everything)

Might be worth you telling your partner and you both show a united front when she does this.

I know too well how much it hurts when our kids go on the attack with us like this

All the best.

Just as adult children can limit/cut contact with abusive parents, so parents can limit/cut contact with abusive adult children.

I appreciate that will shock some people, but you deserve some basic respect as a human being and your daughter is talking to you appallingly.

She asked you for money and then had a go at you because you're skint and your partners finances don't meet her expectations?

She's an idiot. Sorry you have to deal with her.

Your DD is a rude, immature spoilt brat who is only happy when you and your partner are throwing money at her. You have created this. She is a a grown arse woman and it’s about time you treated her as such. Do not give the grabby mare another penny!

That is not ok. My advice to you would be to speak up and say what you are feeling about what she has said, don’t walk on eggshells so as not to set her off. As they say use “I” statements and focus on your own feelings around her behaviour rather than focussing on her as a person. If you can’t express how you feel when she has done something wrong, and she very much has, then you are going to have to have a very managed relationship with her going forward. But every relationship needs boundaries so this will offer a good opportunity to set some for yourself.

Just realised she did this to you on Mother's Day? I'm sorry op that's awful x

That was my thought too. Selfish beyond belief.

Id turn off the money tap, ungrateful little cow. She needs to stand on her own two feet.

What makes someone go from being charming and loving to a nasty person I barely recognise

Well, you saying ‘no’ to giving her money for once, I imagine.

at 25 she should be fully self-supporting. Barring some extreme, unexpected life event, she should not need to ask you for money.

I would tell her she needs to start behaving like an adult. Then give the relationship a bit of time and space. You don’t want to lose the relationship with your daughter over this.

I do agree with her about any inheritance. The assets I have created are meant for my child. Future romantic partnerships can’t be economic partnerships because my primary goal is always going to be that legacy. It made sense to form an economic
partnership with my child’s father because he shared the same goal, to successfully launch our mutual children.

In this case, partner. Your daughter is an adult, so your finances are absolutely nothing to do with her and she certainly shouldn't be expecting any money from you.

Tell her. Not acceptable and her words are forever on record. If she says she just lost her temper recommend anger management.

Also tell her that since money is such a trigger you’ll no longer respond to any requests for cash. No discussion.

Tell her your DP is a decent and loving man and she is bloody lucky to have him in her life. Since she has said such truly offensive things about him you are taking some time out and suggest she reflects on her actions.

Honestly- tell her these things and then mute her for a while. Quite a while.

Sounds like she's artificially nice to you when she's getting her way. The nasty side that comes out when you don't bend over backwards is more likely her true self.

As to who you leave your money to, well first and foremost that is your own business and nobody else's. Second, primary consideration has to go to anyone who is financially dependent on you. So whether you leave anything (or everything) to your partner should take into account how the finances in your relationship work. Of course, it doesn't need to be all-or-nothing. You can split your will it between as few or as many people as you like, in whatever proportions you like (depending on inheritance laws wherever you are). Personally though, after what she said, I'd be leaving her the square root of nothing.

You Should know by now that MN always takes this opinion. Someone upsets you a number of times, or is difficult. Let’s not solve it and actually communicate - let’s just tell the the ultimate shut up by “going NC” and damage their mental health while were at it. it’s like a badge of honour for some people .

Most people have no idea of the mental health problems it causes to the person who is rejected- especially a child. Even an adult one. It should be done only where there are safe guarding issues.