Who to prioritise, daughter or partner?

[SilkPass]

I was a single mum for 15 years and met my partner when my daughter was 19, we've been together for 6 years. I have an older son too.

My daughter and I have had a volatile relationship in the past but for the last three to four years everything has been sweet between us and I've supported her enormously (especially financially) at great cost to myself and my partner. She can be very manipulative but also insightful, funny, loving and I love and adore her (and my son).

At first she was not keen on my partner (I guess she was used to me being on my own so the adjustment was hard) but grew to like him. He has done so much for her over the years, more than her father ever did, and will run to sort out any problem at the drop of a hat, lend her money etc. however he has been cross at the way both children disrespect me over the years.

She asked me for money yesterday and I refused, saying I was short of money myself when I got an all out attack via text. How I was failing myself and both children for not choosing a man who was financially solvent and should be living in a large detached house (with bedrooms for them all I suppose?) and how I should be winding down instead of still working in my mid-50's. She was so nasty and hurtful and asked me what the f*ck I thought I was doing with my partner who came from a very poor background but works incredibly hard to provide for us, and we are working our way out of debt and into a good position, but with Covid and the loss of our clothing business due to Covid it's been hard and he has had to retrain himself.

What makes someone go from being charming and loving to a nasty person I barely recognise? How do I deal with the hurt she is causing? Even if we follow the usual cycle of her apologising she has put those hurtful words and comments out there now and can't undo them. She would never say such hurtful things to my partner directly, they are always directed at me, so he is clueless at how she is behind his back and I'm too ashamed to ever tell him, he would be so sad to know she attacks his background and personality behind his back.

I've been there for her every step of the way and supported her through a recent career change and it's so upsetting to have her turn on me and especially my partner who is loving and kind and has in turn stuck with me and the difficulties I have had both career-wise and looking after elderly parents. AIBU to put my partner first as she seems to see it as a competition? She's even told me that I should leave all my money (what money!!) to both children not to my partner as 'that's what parents should do for their children'.

I think perhaps you should point out to her that you would have more money and wouldn't have to work so hard if you hadn't helped to support her financially! As for who you leave your money to... I am leaving 'family' money to my children, that is the inheritance that I put into our house, but my DH will have a lifetime interest. My personal savings, what there is of them, and jewellery, such that there is, will go to my children, but my life insurance will go to my DH. I know that he will probably help out my children if they need it, but I love him, he does a lot for us all, and I wouldn't want him to be in need. That is what seems fair to me. My children are both working and have chosen their own partners and lifestyles, they have the responsibility for themselves. My DH is retired and unwell and will need the money more than them. If he dies before me everything I have will go to my children, but his children will get his savings and his share of our house when I die. I will get his life insurance (but will probably give some to his children as my pension is more than his).

I can’t imagine why you would leave money in your Will to your partner, it should go to your kid.

However on a day to day basis she’s 25 and should not be expecting financial assistance from you, she needs to pull her finger out and earn her own money. Anything you give her from time to time should only be received with gratitude from her, not selfish expectation and entitlement- she’s behaving like a tantruming brat about it.

She's spoilt, and she needs to understand that just because she "wants" doesn't mean she "gets".

I wouldn't cut her off, but I'd make it clear that I would terminate any conversation where she's being abusive.

Stop giving her money.

Parents don't need to be doormats.

Tell her you're leaving your money to a cats home, as it's up to you what is in your Will. 😗

OP your money should only go to who you decide to leave it to. It’s your money, and entirely your choice.

She should not have spoken to you like that. Not at all. Terribly rude. No excuse for it at all, so what I shall say below is on the basis that her behaviour towards you was not remotely justified.

I do wonder whether she sees something that you do not. If you got with your partner in 2019 and the business failed during the pandemic then that happened fairly early on in the relationship. Is it possible she has a point if she feels that you have been financially disadvantaged by your relationship with your partner; even if he is hardworking and kind? As I said, still no reason to be so rude. I’m similar age to you and still working full time in a demanding job with no thought to giving up in next decade. But both my daughters worry about how hard I work.

Lastly, but really importantly, what prompted her to say that about your will? Whatever else she is wrong about, she is right about that. Definitely children should inherit, not subsequent partners. In my (but most people’s so far as I know) view.

Really sorry your daughter spoke to you so horribly. I’d have a talk with her and try to clear the air. I can’t really imagine distancing myself from my 25 year old daughter over such behaviour as some people have suggested (my oldest is 21) but that doesn’t mean I’d stand for it either. Definitely challenge it.

clocktock - thank you for your post and your kind words. I'm sorry you have also been through this unwarranted treatment. x

Several posters have suggested my DP dragged me down financially and my daughter may be resentful of this. In fact, we were both in a similar boat when we met, i.e. working full time and trying to establish ourselves and pay off past debts (his from career change training and mine from a non-paying ex DH and ultimately my children who lived with me as young adults but 'forgot' or 'couldn't afford' to give their portion of the rent/bills, despite working full time. My DP has a very strong work ethic and has not taken one day off work since I have known him.

Regarding leaving money in my (hopefully eventual and not imminent although at this rate I'm not too sure!) will, I would intend to leave an even split, especially if my partner and I had bought a property together. If he contributed to a mortgage for 20 years or so how would it be fair to then leave it to my children who could kick him out if I predeceased him? (he has no children). Of course they would get it eventually.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

At her age she should have reached the stage of realising how much you've done for her, especially as you were a single mum. Totally unacceptable to be repeatedly insulting and overtly money-grabbing.

To me to say 'putting him first' makes it sound like a competition that he or she can 'win'

If he has done something wrong then that can be addressed

If not then it is nothing to do with him just her

I don't buy this 'he is a bloke and not her father so he is guaranteed to be wrong' and/or 'you have to put her above everything else automatically because she is your child and will always be right' (or your other child)

No idea what the answer is but I would seperate the him and her thing

Is she right though about her instincts that something with your partner isn't quite right? Maybe she is picking up on something that you are too close to the situation to see, and it's painful for her and is bubbling over into all this anger and resentment. Just something to consider.

If you were my mum, you would probably say the exact same thing - actually I know you would as I have it in writing from friends all the things my mum has said about my behaviour. Her partner is very much the same, generous, gave me money, has provided practical support through the years, on the surface, it's the perfect relationship.

Behind closed doors though, it's a very different situation. My gut always told me there was something off about him. It took 10 years of digging, but I finally found out about his convictions for child sexual offences and also evidence of the way he has isolated my mum and cut her off from all the closest people around her. All my attempts to convince her to drop this guy and find someone better have been met with the exact same reaction. I'm apparently volatile and unstable and always angry at her for no reason. I've stolen money from them. I've cut her off from her grandchildren for no reason. Etc, etc. She's completely unable to accept the actual reason for all of this (and also, that I've never stolen money from her - we don't even live in the same country so that would be impossible), because it would mean looking at her relationship and her life in a way that would be too difficult to do.

Now I'm not saying at all that's what's happened here. But you might want to consider if your daughter is picking up on something that isn't right and wants to protect you from it? And after all the frustration and loss and rejection, it's coming out now as anger, which is why you are finally really seeing it and taking notice.

Seems she only kicks off about him if op refuses money etc though. Surely if something was "off" about him and she had concerns, well she would bring it up to op and express her concerns like an adult.

wanda nailed it.

She just missed out a gert big hoof up the harris.

Everything tickety when you can bail her out yet red flags and bunting when she doesn’t get her way? And your financial position might’ve been better I’d you weren’t a financial hammock.

My disappointment would be crushing.

If not I’d.

They wouldnt be able to and they wouldnt inherit it from him if you go first unless you write your will properly.

Also, if you buy a house with him unmarried then I think your share will pass to your kids via intestancy rules if you dont have a will. Get proper legal advice.