Who to prioritise, daughter or partner?

[SilkPass]

I was a single mum for 15 years and met my partner when my daughter was 19, we've been together for 6 years. I have an older son too.

My daughter and I have had a volatile relationship in the past but for the last three to four years everything has been sweet between us and I've supported her enormously (especially financially) at great cost to myself and my partner. She can be very manipulative but also insightful, funny, loving and I love and adore her (and my son).

At first she was not keen on my partner (I guess she was used to me being on my own so the adjustment was hard) but grew to like him. He has done so much for her over the years, more than her father ever did, and will run to sort out any problem at the drop of a hat, lend her money etc. however he has been cross at the way both children disrespect me over the years.

She asked me for money yesterday and I refused, saying I was short of money myself when I got an all out attack via text. How I was failing myself and both children for not choosing a man who was financially solvent and should be living in a large detached house (with bedrooms for them all I suppose?) and how I should be winding down instead of still working in my mid-50's. She was so nasty and hurtful and asked me what the f*ck I thought I was doing with my partner who came from a very poor background but works incredibly hard to provide for us, and we are working our way out of debt and into a good position, but with Covid and the loss of our clothing business due to Covid it's been hard and he has had to retrain himself.

What makes someone go from being charming and loving to a nasty person I barely recognise? How do I deal with the hurt she is causing? Even if we follow the usual cycle of her apologising she has put those hurtful words and comments out there now and can't undo them. She would never say such hurtful things to my partner directly, they are always directed at me, so he is clueless at how she is behind his back and I'm too ashamed to ever tell him, he would be so sad to know she attacks his background and personality behind his back.

I've been there for her every step of the way and supported her through a recent career change and it's so upsetting to have her turn on me and especially my partner who is loving and kind and has in turn stuck with me and the difficulties I have had both career-wise and looking after elderly parents. AIBU to put my partner first as she seems to see it as a competition? She's even told me that I should leave all my money (what money!!) to both children not to my partner as 'that's what parents should do for their children'.

Reading the title, I thought Daughter, alway prioritise your children….

Then I read the post! Oh my days, she’s 25, what a total spoilt madam. I would stop the money immediately & tell her so. Why would anyone reward such behaviour.

Don’t give her another penny & tell her you will no longer engage with her unless she’s respectful & that your money will be left to who you decide.

poor DH & poor you.

Wow how entitled is she? Calling you and your partner pathetic yet you seem to be her main source of funding so what does that make her?

I couldn't cope with such bratty disrespect, she sounds awful and at 19 she absolutely should know better. She wouldn't be getting another penny out of me.

What about the OPs mental health?

I'm not saying she should go no contact, of course I think it should try to be resolved and I think the way a PP said they manage their situation is a good solution.

The DD is 25 not 5 and no one deserves to be verbally abused in such a disgusting way. The things in the OP remind me of the way my mother treats people when she doesn't get her own way - and yes, we're all NC now for our own sanity!

Agreed you do not do NC for a one off that would be ludicrous as it is an enormous wrench. You put boundaries in place and you manage the relationship that way. Boundaries are key to all healthy relationships anyway and the daughter will learn them quickly enough if her mother speaks up to her.

And all in therapy I might add.

Is there any background to this? Were you financial secure (as much as you could be) before you met him and has this changed? Did you get into debt after meeting him? Have you or are you both working to clear his debts?

Is there a backstory? Was the debt your partners? Do you regularly prop him up financially so your DCs see him as a drain on you and them?
She was rude but as PPs have said it is usual to leave your money to your DCs and not your DP. The fact you're questioning that makes me wonder if you have taken over supporting your DP at the expense of your DCs, and if your DCs resent that on your behalf as well as on their own behalf too.

Oops, snap! @CheersForThatEh

Why have you got this weird dynamic where a mid twenties adult (and you) think she is a dependent child?

You want to gift a house deposit? Join us as our treat on holiday? Here's some money towards a wedding? That's what parents might do for an adult daughter.

What the fuck even is this, where she's bitching at you because your house isn't fancy enough for her to freeload in?

Sorry OP but you need a bit of a shake. The fact you're even having to weigh up if she's in the wrong here is incredulous.

Tell her if she expects a man to pay for her to sponge, then get off her adult arse and find one for herself.

Your dd sounds awful. I'd also tell her everything you've put in your post. That you've supported her al the way, and at 25 she shouldn't be asking for money. I'd also tell her that her comments about your dh are out of order and if he knew he's likely not help again.

As for leaving money to who, that's entirely up to you

She needs to get herself a financially solvent mug man with a big detached house for her, then. She wouldn't be a grown-ass woman throwing a tantrum and scrounging off her mother and her partner that way.

Try and switch off from the nastiness like you would from a stroppy six year old shouting 'You smell! I want to be adopted!' because you've said no to a pony for Christmas.

Tell her to go find her own sugar daddy or step up and god forbid earn her own £ and you're with your partner because you love him.

Show your partner her texts. She'll be mortified z

Gosh I am normally children first - even my own partner and I agree the kids are always first. But unfort she sounds nasty and I would put your partner first in this situation.

You are right - she’s manipulative but I imagine she’s only loving when you are giving her handouts

She sounds like a spoiled little bitch, time for her to learn some life lessons and stand on her own two feet.

DD you are an adult and as such I expect you to start behaving like one. My financial situation is none of your business. My choice in partner is none of your business, he is kind and generous in many ways. A person's worth is not measured by their wealth and I thought I had bought you up to know better. You are my daughter and I will always love you but you have been incredibly rude and hurtful. We help you out financially when we can but this is is not something you are owed or entitled to now that you are an adult. If you are unhappy with your financial situation I suggest you look at how you can improve it rather than insulting me and dp. Yours dm

She feels unloved and scared. I'd ask her, nicely, why she said those things, is that what she really thinks ... talk to her MORE not less, about what's happening between all family members and her feelings. Don't "go NC" which is a vile, cowardly act that is really only viable for seriously dangerous relationships (mental/physical danger) imo. Which this is not.

I completely disagree. She is not 14 she is 25, an adult who needs to hold her tongue and apologise for her entitled rudeness. She was an adult already when the op met her partner.

Why though?

When I read just your thread title I thought of course you should choose your daughter. Kids before partners and all that.

After reading your post though..I changed my mind. She's an adult now...a spoilt brat too.

I think this is actually about putting yourself first; having boundaries and sticking to them. Your DD has no actual issue with your DP, she is just lashing out because you aren't doing what she wants and she wants to hurt you.

This. Just put her straight. If she doesn't respect you, you have to take a share if blame as her mother, you had chance when she was younger to nurture this

Your daughter is an adult and by the sounds of it either a narcissist or suffering from bpd. Just my 5 cents. Not unreasonable to put partner first in this situation

Absolute rubbish. Why do children think they are entitled to their parent's money. Their entitlement is disgusting