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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who to prioritise, daughter or partner?

88 replies

SilkPass · 20/03/2023 16:17

I was a single mum for 15 years and met my partner when my daughter was 19, we've been together for 6 years. I have an older son too.

My daughter and I have had a volatile relationship in the past but for the last three to four years everything has been sweet between us and I've supported her enormously (especially financially) at great cost to myself and my partner. She can be very manipulative but also insightful, funny, loving and I love and adore her (and my son).

At first she was not keen on my partner (I guess she was used to me being on my own so the adjustment was hard) but grew to like him. He has done so much for her over the years, more than her father ever did, and will run to sort out any problem at the drop of a hat, lend her money etc. however he has been cross at the way both children disrespect me over the years.

She asked me for money yesterday and I refused, saying I was short of money myself when I got an all out attack via text. How I was failing myself and both children for not choosing a man who was financially solvent and should be living in a large detached house (with bedrooms for them all I suppose?) and how I should be winding down instead of still working in my mid-50's. She was so nasty and hurtful and asked me what the f*ck I thought I was doing with my partner who came from a very poor background but works incredibly hard to provide for us, and we are working our way out of debt and into a good position, but with Covid and the loss of our clothing business due to Covid it's been hard and he has had to retrain himself.

What makes someone go from being charming and loving to a nasty person I barely recognise? How do I deal with the hurt she is causing? Even if we follow the usual cycle of her apologising she has put those hurtful words and comments out there now and can't undo them. She would never say such hurtful things to my partner directly, they are always directed at me, so he is clueless at how she is behind his back and I'm too ashamed to ever tell him, he would be so sad to know she attacks his background and personality behind his back.

I've been there for her every step of the way and supported her through a recent career change and it's so upsetting to have her turn on me and especially my partner who is loving and kind and has in turn stuck with me and the difficulties I have had both career-wise and looking after elderly parents. AIBU to put my partner first as she seems to see it as a competition? She's even told me that I should leave all my money (what money!!) to both children not to my partner as 'that's what parents should do for their children'.

OP posts:
CocoFifi · 20/03/2023 19:20

I would put your partner first. Your daughter's sense of entitlement is beyond belief. She is a grown up and should be taking responsibility for herself.

ladykale · 20/03/2023 19:21

veggiegestational · 20/03/2023 16:41

Lol just read the bit about 'what money' fair enough lmao

This but made me chuckle.

I don't think it's a putting your partner or daughter first. It's a pretty independent problem as he isn't doing anything wrong to your daughter.

Call her up on her disrespectful behaviour and tell her that under no circumstance will you tolerate anymore disrespect to you or your partner.

Sensibletrousers · 20/03/2023 19:27

WonderingWanda · 20/03/2023 18:51

DD you are an adult and as such I expect you to start behaving like one. My financial situation is none of your business. My choice in partner is none of your business, he is kind and generous in many ways. A person's worth is not measured by their wealth and I thought I had bought you up to know better. You are my daughter and I will always love you but you have been incredibly rude and hurtful. We help you out financially when we can but this is is not something you are owed or entitled to now that you are an adult. If you are unhappy with your financial situation I suggest you look at how you can improve it rather than insulting me and dp. Yours dm

chef’s kiss
Perfect - copy and paste OP.

YukoandHiro · 20/03/2023 19:30

She is 25. Why is she asking you for money?

Tell her to find her own wealthy partner if money is so important to her

Lovingmynewbicycle · 20/03/2023 19:41

You may not have any cash right now, but do you have assets, investments, a pension pot?

You really ought to make a will. Even if you have few assets now, circumstances may change and it's very easy to put off making a will.

You need to consider carefully whether you'd want all or most of your assets to go to your children, or whether you'd want to leave something or most of it to go to your partner.

Maggie178 · 20/03/2023 19:43

Your daughter is behaving like a spoilt child. At 25 you don't have to give her money. Stop giving her money. I can't believe some of things she said.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:45

CocoFifi · 20/03/2023 19:18

Absolute rubbish. Why do children think they are entitled to their parent's money. Their entitlement is disgusting

Yes, quite, if I had a child like this I'd rather leave any inheritance to a cat charity!

Riverlee · 20/03/2023 19:52

StarDolphins · 20/03/2023 18:08

Reading the title, I thought Daughter, alway prioritise your children….

Then I read the post! Oh my days, she’s 25, what a total spoilt madam. I would stop the money immediately & tell her so. Why would anyone reward such behaviour.

Don’t give her another penny & tell her you will no longer engage with her unless she’s respectful & that your money will be left to who you decide.

poor DH & poor you.

Sums up what I was thinking

Crazycrazylady · 20/03/2023 22:35

What a brat.. I'd tell her you were telling your dh what she thinks of him and remind her never to ask for money again ..

BCfan · 20/03/2023 22:57

She's not turning on you at all. Her true colours have always been there and the mask slips the second you don't give her what she wants.

I see exactly the same with my mother and brother. He's a parasite.

meganorks · 20/03/2023 23:08

Personally I wouldn't be able to get back from this. To know that despite all the love, support and money you and your partner have given her, this is how she feels about you both. I wouldn't go as dramatic as completely non-contact, but I wouldn't really want to make any effort or do any favours for her. I think you should say how hurtful you find her comments, and since she clearly doesn't value your help, not to ask for anything again. She's pointed out how unfavourable your financial situation is, so she shouldn't be expecting any money from you.

Regarding inheritance, I don't think it's as simple as your children getting everything. You don't say what your position is regarding your home, ie who owns it. But if for example you owned it, it wouldn't be fair to turf your partner out of his home if you were to die so your children could have it. But I think you can leave it in trust to them (or your share) while your partner would have the right to their home for their lifetime.

Jux · 20/03/2023 23:27

I do sympathise, it's very hard. Your dd is not behaving well and does need a good talking to about not being the centre of everyone's world.

Communication, face to face. It's OK to be angry with her - she's angry with you, but she's angry through having been displaced and is not mature enough to realise that of course as an adult she can't expect to always occupy the centre of your world any more, especially as she doesn't live with you.

Her expectations are unrealistic and unreasonable. It sounds like you've let her get away with this sort of behaviour before? Whether that's right or not she is going to have to grow up now. She needs your help with that I think.

Is she the sort of person who thinks about what people say, even if she doesn't like it, who considers whether an uncomplimentary remark has a grain of truth? Or does she reject things out of hand? How open is she likely to be to your criticism?

HotPenguin · 20/03/2023 23:34

At 25 isnt she old enough to find her own rich man to leech off?!

Joking aside, I don't think your title is accurate - you aren't putting your partner above your DD because your DD needs clear boundaries, I don't think giving into her tantrums and supporting her financially is in her long term interests.

Murdoch1949 · 21/03/2023 03:12

You can leave your money to whom you want. If you have been with partner for many years, you will not want to leave him out of your will. If you own the house you live in, you can stipulate that he can remain in the house until he dies, then it goes to the children. If you will just, by then, have savings to leave, then maybe share them. I would certainly not leave him out, he seems to have been a supportive person to your children and most definitely to you. I'd give him half and a quarter each to children.

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 05:59

You need to manage your daughters behaviour but I wouldn't walk away unless it's really bad. But that's no reason to leave your partner. And yes of course you leave any inheritance to your children.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/03/2023 06:07

I dont think it's a question of daughter vs partner. Even if you were single it would be ok to say you have had enough of being treated like this and refuse to engage until or if it improves

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 06:15

Sorry op, she's terrible.

Interesting how she needed to be supported through a career change but you shouldn't have to work because a man should provide for you Hmm

I'd give her the cold, hard truth here then just leave her to it until she's ready to apologise.

wildseas · 21/03/2023 06:24

I don’t think that you need to cut contact but I do think that you need a clear boundary.

I would say to her that her text has really upset you - especially because one of the reasons you’re still working full time is because you’ve been giving her a lot of money.

That you’ll always love her, always be there to support her emotionally but that you’re not going to support financially anymore because this reaction has been too upsetting for you. And then stick to that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2023 06:25

WonderingWanda · 20/03/2023 18:51

DD you are an adult and as such I expect you to start behaving like one. My financial situation is none of your business. My choice in partner is none of your business, he is kind and generous in many ways. A person's worth is not measured by their wealth and I thought I had bought you up to know better. You are my daughter and I will always love you but you have been incredibly rude and hurtful. We help you out financially when we can but this is is not something you are owed or entitled to now that you are an adult. If you are unhappy with your financial situation I suggest you look at how you can improve it rather than insulting me and dp. Yours dm

This is a good message to send to your dd. Boundaried and caring. I agree with @Jux your dd thinks you should continue to be putting her first at all times and hasn’t figured out you are both now adults.

SmashedTable · 21/03/2023 06:45

All those posters describing the OP's daughter as "awful", are wrong. OP has described her relationship with her daughter in largely positive ways, it's just that there are issues around the partner and money. Very normal!

Tbh @SilkPass it sounds like old stuff that is unresolved. If there is any way at all that you and your daughter could agree to some counselling sessions and you can access them, it might help. Sometimes all it takes is for each person to listen, and having a counsellor there to help it stay calm can make a big difference.

Ttwinkletoes · 21/03/2023 07:20

I've been there for her every step of the way and supported her through a recent career change and it's so upsetting to have her turn on me and especially my partner who is loving and kind and has in turn stuck with me and the difficulties I have had both career-wise and looking after elderly parents.

Send her this

Lwrenagain · 21/03/2023 07:26

Fuck me, this is so sad.
Can you and your DP adopt me please?
You sound such wonderful people.
Nothing to add but I'm really sorry you've been treated this way and I think from now on your DP comes first, he sounds like a lovely man.

SixPenny · 21/03/2023 07:32

Mine would be getting both barrels if they spoke to me like that.

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/03/2023 07:37

she sounds desperate
can she cope with her money?
is she skint?
perhaps she has bills

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 21/03/2023 07:43

Your daughter is behaving like a nasty bitch. She is an adult, she should act like one. Please don’t let her think this behaviour is ok. If she was anyone but your child you would surely cut contact if this was normal behaviour.