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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Biological father refuses contact

85 replies

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:27

Never knew who my real father was for many years. Mother finally told me but she said she had never told him so he has never known about me. Found him on social media. Made contact but he didn’t reply so found he has three sons. Contacted them, one responded. Was very nice but told me they didn’t want to have any contact. Have tried again, but they are not responding. They live not too far from me (25ish miles) I feel like going there and facing them all. They can’t ignore me then. My husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He thinks I should be happy with the family I have now. ( I am very lucky). He also says if I don’t know what’s going on in their lives it could cause more hurt for me by being rejected again. Aibu

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 19:29

leave them alone, you are not part of their lives, and they have communicated clearly that they dont want to expand their family to include any long lost sibling.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/03/2023 19:29

YABU. They don't have to let you in their lives and trying to force your way in won't work. You should listen to your husband. Just leave them alone and focus on the family you have.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2023 19:32

You tried and they don't want contact. It must be hurtful to be rejected but you need to respect their choice and let it go. Maybe you could try counselling.

MrsBunnyEars · 19/03/2023 19:32

They told you they don’t want any contact. And they don’t owe you anything.

You suddenly showing up, quite clearly unwelcome, isn’t going to end well and wouldn’t reflect well on you.

Suetcrust · 19/03/2023 19:32

As much as you would like to be acknowledged, they are ignoring you. It’s not what they are saying, it’s what they are NOT saying. Read between the lines. They are not interested.

Im so sorry for the rejection. It must be hard but you will probably get the door slammed in your face if you visit. It’s too much intrusion. Put them back in the box and move on.

Christmasbahhumbug · 19/03/2023 19:33

That sounds very upsetting for all involved. Have you thought about investing your time and energy into some therapy to process all of this? As hard as it is, I think you need to move on and let go, just turning up could be very distressing for you all and if they don’t want contact, forcing it would be very difficult indeed.

Hankunamatata · 19/03/2023 19:33

They don't want contact. I'd perhaps send a letter then leave it.

GoldDuster · 19/03/2023 19:33

told me they didn’t want to have any contact. Have tried again, but they are not responding

This sounds really difficult for you, but I don't feel that pursuing this is going to get you the outcome you are hoping for.

They have been clear by both not responding and telling you that they are not interested in developing a relationship, and I do not feel that turning up at their house no matter how nearby or far away it is, will help you at all.

Would you consider seeking out a therapist to help you work through this?

DemonSpawn · 19/03/2023 19:34

This is all your mothers fault for not telling your father I’m afraid.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 19:34

YABU. They've said no. You need to leave it now.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/03/2023 19:35

Very sorry to hear this op but I agree with other posters. They are not interested in you. Leave them alone. You can’t force them to want contact with you.

PeekAtYou · 19/03/2023 19:35

I am sorry to say this but you need to leave them alone- especially the sons who haven't done anything wrong. If I was contacted by a half sibling then I wouldn't be interested to meet them either.
I think that your h is right and being rejected to your face will be extremely traumatic experience.

SpinningFloppa · 19/03/2023 19:37

You can’t force them to want a relationship with you. If I found out I had a half sibling I wouldn’t want to meet them tbh.

Squamata · 19/03/2023 19:39

I'd send a final message/letter saying you respect their decision not to want further contact but if they change their mind, the door's open.

It's a rejection and that's hard but pursuing it further will rub salt in the wound.

Lookingforwardtothesummer · 19/03/2023 19:40

As someone with a shit absent dad who never wanted a relationship I get it how rubbish this feels, I really do.

But just walk away. Don't chase them. It won't fix anything.

crisscross101 · 19/03/2023 19:41

This could be me. My biological father died a while ago - I'd not seen him for 28 years of my 29 when he died- and a half sibling I never knew has been trying to contact me since. We shared addresses because he died without a will so his estate (less than £1k!) was split between us and we had legally stuff to sort out. Now she sends me sister birthday cards even though I've told her I'd prefer no further contact- I have a dad who I love and it is hurtful to him/I don't need another family. YABU

Quveas · 19/03/2023 19:41

DemonSpawn · 19/03/2023 19:34

This is all your mothers fault for not telling your father I’m afraid.

Sorry but I agree with this. You are a stranger to your father. That may or may not have been the case if he'd known about you years ago, but that decision was taken away from him. So you don't have any rights to him or his family paying attention to you. That obviously hurts you, but they aren't being unreasonable. They aren't rejecting you. You aren't part of their world and they are happy to keep it that way. That is their right.

x2boys · 19/03/2023 19:43

Of your mother didn't tell.your father she was pregnant with you and That he had a daughter ,you can't really blame either your father or his family for not wanting anything to.do.with you .

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/03/2023 19:44

Try and see it from his point of view, he knew nothing about you and this could upturn his entire world. Respect his wishes, you have no idea what is going on in his life.

Okunevo · 19/03/2023 19:44

None of them owe you anything. Your father didn't know and your half brother doesn't want a relationship, you can't force one.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/03/2023 19:44

It must be very difficult for you but also for them. You cannot force a relationship with any of them, including your biological father. Yes it would be nice, but someone he has never, ever know about suddenly turning up claiming to be his long lost child must be a real shock to him. You can't blame him for not wanting contact, he may have many reasons why he doesn't want to.

rwalker · 19/03/2023 19:48

I think your anger and disappointment dims aimed at the wrong person
your mother is the cause of this
realistically how do they know you are his daughter and not some hoax all they have is messages from a random on Facebook

you’ve thrown a grenade into there family and your boarder line pestering them

let it settle you could send a letter and a picture next year and explain leave the door open at the moment you are just coming across as confrontational

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 19:50

I'd love to know how many posters saying to leave it and respect them have actually been in the ops position?

I haven't but I have empathy and think they are cowards. You can't control that but maybe write a letter. Do whatever helps you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/03/2023 19:52

It must be very hurtful.

But to be honest they don't sound like nice people so you are well shot.

Whether he knew or not only a shitty person would turn their back on their own child.

Original poster

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:53

thanks for your advice. I know you are all right. When you watch all these Long last family programs and dna shows you see lots of happy reunions. My mother had encouraged me to pursue this but I don’t know if she is still bitter. She told me today (after a few drinks) that he told her he still loved someone else so she left the village before she knew she was pregnant. Think I will have to listen to my husband, for once, and let it go.

OP posts:

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