Biological father refuses contact

[Lyndyloo17]

Never knew who my real father was for many years. Mother finally told me but she said she had never told him so he has never known about me. Found him on social media. Made contact but he didn’t reply so found he has three sons. Contacted them, one responded. Was very nice but told me they didn’t want to have any contact. Have tried again, but they are not responding. They live not too far from me (25ish miles) I feel like going there and facing them all. They can’t ignore me then. My husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He thinks I should be happy with the family I have now. ( I am very lucky). He also says if I don’t know what’s going on in their lives it could cause more hurt for me by being rejected again. Aibu

Err he was never told

@bakewellbride
please don’t project your own experience on to this. I’m sorry your search did not have a good ending, but that does not mean the ops birth dad is a also a bad person.
He did not abandon her, he did not let her down, he wasn’t there for her because he did not know she existed.

I understand op. He is terribly shitty for ignoring you. It's not your fault. So what if he didn't know, he does now and it's utter nonsense to say he doesn't owe you anything - he owes whatever a parent owes their child, adult or not. The right to know who you are and where you come from at the very least. I'm very sorry he is being so utterly selfish and I cannot understand how a person could be so unfeeling. However, I do believe it won't make you feel better to keep trying and keep getting rejected. It isn't a reflection on you at all, it is totally a reflection on him and you have to think that really, you are better off not having such a selfish person in your life to deal with on a regular basis.
You could perhaps join ancestry.com, put your dna in the system and uncover some other relatives on that side that might be more willing to talk? You absolutely have a right to.

They said NO.
No means No.
They don't owe you anything. Stop being a pain. It's called harassment.

I would send them all a letter saying you respect their decision, but I would also include a mini biography, a couple of photos and a little history of your life, likes and dislikes, that sort of thing.
It was interesting when you said your Mother left the village, is your bio father and his sons a farming family ?

@Ted27 @rwalker contact made on social media and no reply. I'm not 'projecting' and would never try to dictate what other posters can say. We are all allowed our own opinions.

This is such rubbish. He didn't know, and he doesn't have to have a relationship nor does his other children. OP is an adult so CM not an issue.

I'm so sad for you. I adopted a little girl. What you've done is very similar to an adopted child contacting their birth family - except they'd get support, counselling and a lot of exploration of what might happen before they get to making an approach. You've had none of that and it's been harsh.
I know it sounds trite but I think you could really benefit from some counselling with someone who is experienced in this area. You need to grieve your loss. What your husband says makes sense - but I don't think you can switch off your interest in them without processing some emotions.
Don't contact them though. But don't try to put that hurt and guilt in a box - you need to set it free.

@bakewellbride

She did get a reply. Its seems obvious to me that the son was delegated to reply on behalf of the family

My DH was adopted out at birth and knows he has siblings older and younger. His bio mum is still alive. When I met him nearly 30 years ago, he had a some angst as to the whys of it all. Some of his siblings know now when they didn't before.

So I have some understanding of how you are feeling.

Sadly You can't make people accept you, regardless of what a lovely person you have turned out to be. No one can change the past and the decision your Mum made at the time, she made it with best interests at heart.

You could if you have the time, start an online family tree that remains respectful to living persons (ie traditionally with on line family trees you don't give full names/details for identity theft reasons) but shows you belong. If you choose to have your DNA done, you may well find 2nd + cousins who are keen to know how the puzzle fits. Our daughter has had two contacts from DH's side who also seem ''mislaid'' and trying to find their place. So this could fulfill that bit for you...

In the meanwhile, as you say you are lucky with the family that you have and its important to live in the present and be present. Try not to take your paternal bio side's position too much to heart. After all, they don't know you.

Don't do this OP. It's harassment by extension.

I know I have half-siblings out there. I am not bothered at all by their existence (IVF/donor situation), but I don't want to meet them.

I won't ever do any kind of DNA test like ancestry for the reason given by this poster - I don't want to be found.

I appreciate all your comments. Showed my husband. He thinks I should leave it for now and go and have some counselling as has been suggested. I don’t think they are bad people. Maybe they are protecting their mother. But for now I will look after me and appreciate my darling husband.

You said he wax a bad man he hadn’t been in her life for years enlightened us how he could of been seen as he didn’t know about us

as others said you unfortunately had a bad experience and writing everyone off as the same

@Lyndyloo17

This has come as a shock to you. Its normal and natural that you are curious and would like to meet him. You are not wrong in having those feelings.
Like PicaK I'm an adoptive parent. Like many adoptees my son's birth family is quite complicated. He is 18 now and going through some stuff about his birth father who has relationships with other children, my son's siblings, but not with my son. The rejection is crushing.
But you can't force a relationship with them.
Remember it's also been a huge shock for them. And you don't know what is going on in their lives.
They may change their mind in time. If they do, they know how to contact you. But I think if you push them now you will lose any chance of that.
I know it's incredibly hard. I agree with PicaK about getting some counselling

Your mum should have told you about your father years ago and was cruel to suggest contact without considering the outcomes. I know she was drunk but to save you the heartbreak, she should have done the contacting herself.

A pp asked if people had experience of this. I have an estranged younger sibling (long story) who contacted me. He begged for a meeting and against my better judgement I went hoping that his curiosity would be satisfied but he kept on wanting more. I am not interested - we only have biology in common and I don't have the time or desire for regular meetings never mind a relationship. It's not his fault but I can't offer him what he thinks he's missing out on. Leaving my past in the past has been the right thing for me and my kids. They know some details but are satisfied with vague details.

You've made the right decision in leaving it. It sounds like you might be the product of an affair and further contact would upset them all. They've made it clear they don't want contact and I think that's understandable. I think it would be a good idea to get counselling because this must be very upsetting (if not traumatising).

Perhaps it would be helpful if your Mum was able to answer some more questions for you (why she never told him, what he was like, the circumstances of their relationship, whether it was an affair etc). She owes you at least that!!!

If you watch the updates , quite often the relationships break down.
Im sorry for your situation.

It sounds like you’ve come on a bit strong? I think getting no reply from father and then immediately contacting the sons was probably a bit high pressure. It may be that if you make it clear you’ll accept boundaries, they may be open to a relationship. I’d write the letter. They may get back in touch when they’ve had time to process.

Your mom did what she thought was right at the time. It would have been much better if she told you the truth when you were younger. She didn't.

I had the long lost family reunion with my half brothers by my father when I was 37.

The chain of devastation my father left behind as taken its toll on my one brother and I, especially. It's a story out of a novel type.

Send the letter. Get some counselling if you need to. The rest is down to them.

It's quite possible your dad wouldn't have wanted to know when he was younger, too.

You need to find your own way to do closure. Best wishes

It must be hard OP. Whilst the siblings might not owe you anything, your father does. Whether he didn’t find out about you for years, I just don’t get how someone who is responsible for your existence could just not want to at least meet you. It’s such a big rejection. But don’t think this is the end of it. Maybe in time he will change his mind.

Do you have an ounce of empathy in you? It's not always 'no is a complete sentence'

Think if this was your child/family member would you be so harsh?

You only ever see the good reunions on those shows. You never see the bad ones. FWIW you are approached before anything else. I was, I wanted nothing to do with my mother so that was that. No programme is made about those who refuse. Not such great viewing.

OP, your husband is a kind man, and a sensible man and a supportive man

Thats a pretty good outcome for anyone, whether they come from a single parent family, or a dukedom.

OP I can relate to this post but mine is my mother. She left me in a hospital when I was born, lots of court cases but ultimately gave up all responsibility for me. Had 2 children prior to me and 2 following me who she kept. None of them want contact with me including my mother. It hurts like hell and its very difficult to work through, lots of feelings of rejection and inadequacy. I totally over compensate in life by trying to excell in life/career etc just to prove a point however I'm not sure who I'm proving it too! I have learnt to live with it now and i rarely think about it however I have very little family which makes me feel really quite vulnerable.

Sending your strength, in all honesty I would just walk away you are not going to get what you hoped for.

Get some talking therapy somewhere. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the family you have got.
And avoid drunken mother I think!