Page 2 | Biological father refuses contact

RampantIvy · 19/03/2023 19:54

This sounds really difficult for you, but I don't feel that pursuing this is going to get you the outcome you are hoping for.

I agree. If you just turn up it will end in tears. Your husband is right @Lyndyloo17

journeyofsanity · 19/03/2023 19:58

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:27

Never knew who my real father was for many years. Mother finally told me but she said she had never told him so he has never known about me. Found him on social media. Made contact but he didn’t reply so found he has three sons. Contacted them, one responded. Was very nice but told me they didn’t want to have any contact. Have tried again, but they are not responding. They live not too far from me (25ish miles) I feel like going there and facing them all. They can’t ignore me then. My husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He thinks I should be happy with the family I have now. ( I am very lucky). He also says if I don’t know what’s going on in their lives it could cause more hurt for me by being rejected again. Aibu

Poor man did nothing wrong. He was honest and said he was in love with someone other than your mother. She left and never told him about you. You can't demand anything from him or his dc. Sorry. You are innocent in this also but you can't expect people to want anything to change in their lives. The man may well be completely devastated to find out he had a child he knew nothing about.

x2boys · 19/03/2023 20:00

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 19:50

I'd love to know how many posters saying to leave it and respect them have actually been in the ops position?

I haven't but I have empathy and think they are cowards. You can't control that but maybe write a letter. Do whatever helps you.

It's not the Op,s fault but neither is it their fault and they only have the Io,s word for it that he is her biological father ,it's a messy situation ,but I don't think anyone can force them to see the Op.

journeyofsanity · 19/03/2023 20:00

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/03/2023 19:52

It must be very hurtful.

But to be honest they don't sound like nice people so you are well shot.

Whether he knew or not only a shitty person would turn their back on their own child.

Why don't they sound like nice people. The op said the one who replied was nice. They don't have to want anything to do with the unknown sibling whose mother kept a secret from their father. The only one who acted poorly in all of this is the OPs mother.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/03/2023 20:03

SpinningFloppa · 19/03/2023 19:37

You can’t force them to want a relationship with you. If I found out I had a half sibling I wouldn’t want to meet them tbh.

Nor would I.

Frankola · 19/03/2023 20:04

I know this will feel so upsetting for you OP.

Unfortunately I agree with others that you need to leave them be. They have communicated clearly and directly that they do no wish to have contact.

This will obviously be a huge shock to them, as well as you. If your mum didn't tell him he was a father then this is a huge piece of information to digest. Do you know why she didn't tell him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 20:06

Glad you’ve decided to leave it.

Of course they only show the happy reunions on those programmes. It can be a lot more complicated than it looks.

His sons don’t want to think of their dad having another child, that doesn’t make them bad people. Your dad isn’t a bad person either. And who knows what’s going on in any or all of their lives right now, could be anything and they don’t currently welcome the additional complex situation you’re trying to present them with.

I really feel for you but you’re not going to get the answers you’re looking for here.

Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 20:07

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 19:50

I'd love to know how many posters saying to leave it and respect them have actually been in the ops position?

I haven't but I have empathy and think they are cowards. You can't control that but maybe write a letter. Do whatever helps you.

This so much. I’m very surprised people are so brutal. If any not be the dads fault but it isn’t OPs fault either.
definitely send a letter with photo of you (and your mum) and hope that one day the dad will be ready to connect

firstmummy2019 · 19/03/2023 20:10

OP have you tried putting your DNA on a genealogy site? You may find some family that want to be found.

autumnboys · 19/03/2023 20:10

OP, I’m really sorry to hear this. I am also I. The position of having made contact with biological family who didn’t know about us and didn’t want any further contact and it hurts. In our particular situation, it was a generation removed, so I think it maybe stung less. Things that helped were remembering that we were a huge shock to them, whereas we had known about them for decades. We thanked them for responding and said we respected their decision, left the door open if they ever change their mind. Take care of yourself

Desertbarncat · 19/03/2023 20:13

It’s s hard pill to swallow but you are not a part of their lives and they don’t want you to be. They don’t owe you anything. You showing up would just make you a crazy stalker. They have clearly said they don’t want to communicate with you.

Desertbarncat · 19/03/2023 20:15

She has already contacted them and they have told her not to contact them again. At some point unwanted contact turns into harassment.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 19/03/2023 20:17

I think that they have politely said they want no contact. Forcing any of them into doing so is not only confrontational but serves no positive purpose. I’d put it down to “well at least I tried”. You didn’t get the response you hoped for but turning up out of the blue won’t rectify that.

bakewellbride · 19/03/2023 20:19

Just stay away. He is clearly a bad person as he is not and has never been there for you and that's inexcusable.

I found mine after over 20 years and he was abusive. He is dead now and I am so happy as the world is a safer place for women as a result.

Save yourself the heartache.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/03/2023 20:20

The shows you see on tv very often show you cherry picked happy stories. Or dramatic stories.

Sadly family reunions are not very often like that. And often even ones that start off successfully don’t stay that way long term.

I was “reunited” with my maternal grandfather, uncle and aunt a few years ago. It was lovely for a year. I now wish I’d never bothered as I dealt with the childhood hurt many years ago, but now I’m dealing with a second load.

They’ve had their chance to be in your life and declined. That’s their choice, and their loss of any of the good things you’d have brung.

StripeyDeckchair · 19/03/2023 20:25

What do you want from your bio father( BF) & half siblings?
Forcing your way into their lives won't work - it will just make them resent you & push you away more.

bubbles2023 · 19/03/2023 20:30

As difficult as it is, they aren't ready to have you in their lives. Maybe this will change in the future but for you I think you should accept it for what it is, as hard as that is.

Ikeatears · 19/03/2023 20:32

@Lyndyloo17 I am in a similar position with my birth father. His son and all the wider family though have 100% embraced me and my family. We've only been in contact a year but we are very much part of each other's lives now.
Our father however, will not acknowledge me or have anything to do with me. My brother is disgusted in him. I'm now indifferent to him and feel it's his loss. My brother and I have enhanced each other's lives by building a relationship and getting to know each other's spouses and children. He's missing out but it's his choice.
I would like to sit down with him just once though. There are family events coming up that I'm invited to and he may be there, I visit my brother and there's a possibility he may turn up unexpectedly. It makes me anxious and I just want to tell him that I want or need nothing from him now, I got all my medical history from the wider family. I just want us to be able to say hello and be civil, in company.
Rejection is hard (I also went through it with my birth mother). Write a letter, say everything you need to say, leave your door open if you want to but then leave them to it. I won't beg someone to be in my life. Hugs though because I know how hard it is and how people just don't understand unless they been there (evident from the replies on this post) 💐

Summerfun54321 · 19/03/2023 20:34

Why on earth did your DM make you be the one to tell your father that you exist? What was she thinking!? Your DM made the decision for you not to have a father many years ago when she failed to tell him about you. It's far too late now to expect him to be involved.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 19/03/2023 20:35

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:53

thanks for your advice. I know you are all right. When you watch all these Long last family programs and dna shows you see lots of happy reunions. My mother had encouraged me to pursue this but I don’t know if she is still bitter. She told me today (after a few drinks) that he told her he still loved someone else so she left the village before she knew she was pregnant. Think I will have to listen to my husband, for once, and let it go.

Your mother is stirring the pot, I'm afraid. Maybe because she's feeling rejected on your behalf, maybe because she is projecting, maybe because she regrets what she did - I dunno. But she's doing the equivalent of ripping the plaster off, for no good reason that I can see. There's clearly some unresolved issues here.

However. Your mother made a decision, for good or ill (it sounds like for ill) which you are now left to deal with. It is undoubtedly hurtful to be rejected by your bio dad and his family, but it's potentially less hurtful than you holding your mother to account. You're projecting (said with kindness) and I think you should get some counselling to help you through this.

RLScott · 19/03/2023 20:36

Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 20:07

This so much. I’m very surprised people are so brutal. If any not be the dads fault but it isn’t OPs fault either.
definitely send a letter with photo of you (and your mum) and hope that one day the dad will be ready to connect

Show quote history

Concur with this. Some of the responses have been quite cold.

Sorry you have gone through this OP. Perhaps a letter as previously suggested would be enough in terms of closure? (unless of course you are fine with walking away as your husband suggested you do).

Its nobodies fault of course... not even your mum as that’s how she felt at the time after he chose someone else. Ultimately she was there for you and raised you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Lookingforwardtothesummer · 19/03/2023 20:38

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 19:50

I'd love to know how many posters saying to leave it and respect them have actually been in the ops position?

I haven't but I have empathy and think they are cowards. You can't control that but maybe write a letter. Do whatever helps you.

I have been in a similar-ish position to the OP.

These people simply cannot or will not give her the relationship she would like.

I'm not saying to "leave it" out of respect for the long lost siblings.

I'm saying to save herself the pain of continued rejection and bewilderment (been there, done that, as a young adult) to act in HER OWN BEST INTERESTS, and let them go.

Obviously everyone is different and there could be a small chance, I guess, that these people will change their minds at some point and make contact again, and OP will get the happy resolution and build meaningful relationships. I just think the chances of that are probably slim. But who knows.

I just know it was better for me when I made my peace with the fact that my deadbeat 'dad' who could never be bothered with a relationship with me, well, I accepted he didn't want to know me.

It's hard but it's worse to chase after people who don't want you.

Lookingforwardtothesummer · 19/03/2023 20:41

Of course it's not the OP's fault.

But she really has to act lovingly towards herself right now, and I simply don't think begging these people to spend time with is in accordance with that.

I'm sure all kinds of stinging rejection wounds are being triggered here, some of which take you back to feeling like a lost child - and at that time you really have to act like your own loving parent and protect yourself from further harm.

Just my 2 cents.

RLScott · 19/03/2023 20:42

Ikeatears · 19/03/2023 20:32

@Lyndyloo17 I am in a similar position with my birth father. His son and all the wider family though have 100% embraced me and my family. We've only been in contact a year but we are very much part of each other's lives now.
Our father however, will not acknowledge me or have anything to do with me. My brother is disgusted in him. I'm now indifferent to him and feel it's his loss. My brother and I have enhanced each other's lives by building a relationship and getting to know each other's spouses and children. He's missing out but it's his choice.
I would like to sit down with him just once though. There are family events coming up that I'm invited to and he may be there, I visit my brother and there's a possibility he may turn up unexpectedly. It makes me anxious and I just want to tell him that I want or need nothing from him now, I got all my medical history from the wider family. I just want us to be able to say hello and be civil, in company.
Rejection is hard (I also went through it with my birth mother). Write a letter, say everything you need to say, leave your door open if you want to but then leave them to it. I won't beg someone to be in my life. Hugs though because I know how hard it is and how people just don't understand unless they been there (evident from the replies on this post) 💐

Aww that’s lovely you now have that connection with your brother.

Agree with your letter suggestion to OP (thinking that’s probably what I’d do in her shoes...as previously suggested something along the lines of “I respect your decision, and if you change your mind the doors always open”).

Me personally, I would 100% agree to meet anyone who was related to me if they wished.

Lefteyetwitch · 19/03/2023 20:49

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:53

thanks for your advice. I know you are all right. When you watch all these Long last family programs and dna shows you see lots of happy reunions. My mother had encouraged me to pursue this but I don’t know if she is still bitter. She told me today (after a few drinks) that he told her he still loved someone else so she left the village before she knew she was pregnant. Think I will have to listen to my husband, for once, and let it go.

Oh so NOW she wants you to peruse it? Not when you were a child and all this agony could have been saved. When he could've actually had a chance of bonding with you and you being apart of their family.

How very gracious of her. Top Notch.