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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Biological father refuses contact

85 replies

Lyndyloo17 · 19/03/2023 19:27

Never knew who my real father was for many years. Mother finally told me but she said she had never told him so he has never known about me. Found him on social media. Made contact but he didn’t reply so found he has three sons. Contacted them, one responded. Was very nice but told me they didn’t want to have any contact. Have tried again, but they are not responding. They live not too far from me (25ish miles) I feel like going there and facing them all. They can’t ignore me then. My husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He thinks I should be happy with the family I have now. ( I am very lucky). He also says if I don’t know what’s going on in their lives it could cause more hurt for me by being rejected again. Aibu

OP posts:
Ikeatears · 20/03/2023 01:49

Carouselfish · 19/03/2023 21:00

I understand op. He is terribly shitty for ignoring you. It's not your fault. So what if he didn't know, he does now and it's utter nonsense to say he doesn't owe you anything - he owes whatever a parent owes their child, adult or not. The right to know who you are and where you come from at the very least. I'm very sorry he is being so utterly selfish and I cannot understand how a person could be so unfeeling. However, I do believe it won't make you feel better to keep trying and keep getting rejected. It isn't a reflection on you at all, it is totally a reflection on him and you have to think that really, you are better off not having such a selfish person in your life to deal with on a regular basis.
You could perhaps join ancestry.com, put your dna in the system and uncover some other relatives on that side that might be more willing to talk? You absolutely have a right to.

This. 100%. A million times over.

merrymelodies · 20/03/2023 01:55

How upsetting for you! But remember that these people don't know you so don't take it as a judgement. Leave them alone.

nellyelloe · 20/03/2023 05:54

Wow, I'm genuinely surprised at the total lack of empathy here for the OP.

It must hurt massively you poor thing. It must feel like a massive rejection. I'm so sorry you're going through this and so sorry that they don't want contact.

I assume they all must be pretty shocked if they didn't know about you OP. There is always a chance they will change their mind, but I don't think you should hang on to that. I am wondering if perhaps you could invest in a bit of therapy to work through your feelings around this?

OP, I hope you feel ok soon. It must feel like a kick in the stomach to have been rejected.

Take care

CuriouslyDifferent · 20/03/2023 06:00

Back off. Leave the acorn you’ve dropped to grow - in time things might change.

forcing your way in now A when they have said no - is madness.

Original poster
Lyndyloo17 · 20/03/2023 09:31

Having slept on it, I have decided to back off. They have made it clear it’s a no. (No response is still a response). I don’t know what’s going on in their lives. Could be bad timing, could cause problems with his wife and they won’t thank me for that, who knows? Am going to sort counselling and focus on me and my family.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 20/03/2023 09:43

What I think is the most important thing is that you know who your biological father is.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/03/2023 17:40

journeyofsanity · 19/03/2023 20:00

Why don't they sound like nice people. The op said the one who replied was nice. They don't have to want anything to do with the unknown sibling whose mother kept a secret from their father. The only one who acted poorly in all of this is the OPs mother.

Show quote history

A father has rejected his own child and you think the only one who has acted badly is the mother?

Beggars belief.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 17:49

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/03/2023 17:40

A father has rejected his own child and you think the only one who has acted badly is the mother?

Beggars belief.

Show quote history

But OP could be anyone. There's no proof she's his daughter as far as I can see - she only has her mothers' word for that.

And yes, her mother did act badly. She denied her child a relationship with her father for over two decades - and didn't give the dad a chance to even decide for himself whether he wanted to be involved. That's pretty low.

girlfriend44 · 20/03/2023 18:04

PeekAtYou · 19/03/2023 19:35

I am sorry to say this but you need to leave them alone- especially the sons who haven't done anything wrong. If I was contacted by a half sibling then I wouldn't be interested to meet them either.
I think that your h is right and being rejected to your face will be extremely traumatic experience.

Why not out of interest? I would.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/03/2023 07:20

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 17:49

But OP could be anyone. There's no proof she's his daughter as far as I can see - she only has her mothers' word for that.

And yes, her mother did act badly. She denied her child a relationship with her father for over two decades - and didn't give the dad a chance to even decide for himself whether he wanted to be involved. That's pretty low.

Show quote history

I'm not denying what the mother did but two wrongs don't make a right and its easy enough to get a blood test.

Denying a child is shitty behaviour.

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