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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you juggle Mother’s Day as a mum with a mum and a MIL!?

83 replies

Sunshinejeans · 19/03/2023 10:55

Just that really.. I’m a fairly new mum with a 18m old & very early pregnant with #2. My mum lives 5 minutes away and MIL lives 40 minutes away.

For context I don’t buy gifts for DH family.. they’re his family and that’s for him to sort. He’s arranged a card and flowers to be delivered to his mum today and we’re seeing them for dinner tomorrow as we host them every 2 weeks for dinner. He’s had a call from his mums partner today asking what time he’s coming over to see her (no plans had been made and he messaged her this morning to wish her a nice Mother’s Day she doesn’t like talking on the phone hence the message and not a call) she is taking her mum & dad out for lunch with her partner so not sat at home solo). DH has 1 sibling who lives out the country so all the expectations fall to him, I’ve said I have absolutely no issue with him going over to his mums for a cuppa today but he quite simply doesn’t want too. I am seeing my mum this morning for a cuppa and DH is taking me out for late lunch with our DS & he said to his mums partner that he won’t be popping over today as he’s taking me out but looks forward to seeing them tomorrow and hope they have a nice lunch out with his grandparents today (his mum messaged saying thanks for the card and gift so we know they’ve been received) but his mums partner has since messaged saying “it’s shame you can’t pop in on your mum today.”

Now sat here feeling a bit sh*t about it all and have no idea how we’re meant to juggle everyone and everything.. ever since we had DS it feels like Christmas & certain days like today have become a battle of who gets the most time and tbh I really couldn’t give a crap if DH went there for the day with DS and I had a day of silence but he wouldn’t ever do that.

So I’m sorry for the waffle but just love to hear what everyone else does as I can’t deal with this every year!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinejeans · 19/03/2023 11:21

Thanks ladies, really appreciate the replies here. I’m going to go back to my chilled carefree day.. as that’s how I want to spend it and how we planned to spend it!

I waffled so much that I forgot to say MIL partner said his mum was “very upset she won’t be seeing her boy and only grandchild today” so I think the call was from both of them.. she does have form for guilt tripping and I always end up pretty much doing what she wants like spending every xmas with her because can’t deal with the upset if we don’t but DH is adamant that he won’t be guilt tripped in to stuff anymore now we have a family so perhaps I need to take a leaf out of his book with his fam… just feel a bit bad for her

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 19/03/2023 11:21

Once you're a new mum, mother's day is for you. Given the nature of young children, this means your partner will be occupied getting them to make you breakfast and doing childcare.

Your mum and MIL have to hand the baton on, and be happy with flowers/card/call/chocolate etc.

If your kids don't learn to treat you on Mother's Day, then you will have a horrible 'squuezed middle' experience where you spent your parenting years fussing over your mum and MIL, but when your kids leave home they don't even think to get you a card as they haven't learnt that the day was actually about you.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 19/03/2023 11:21

Seeline · 19/03/2023 11:04

It's difficult.
We takes both out for lunch every year (both local and widowed) and have done since DC1 was born 21 years ago. I have never had a mother's day for me.
Neither gran has ever acknowledged it's my day too. My kids don't really take much notice as it's always been a day for grand rather than me. I get very jealous when my sister posts on FB all about her lovely day 200 miles away!

This.

And the point up thread about it being a day of expectations.

It's just another day on which women are simultaneously expected to be grateful and utterly selfless - to report that they had a lovely day while in reality it was a day fitting around other people's expectations.

Suzi888 · 19/03/2023 11:23

DM and mil are coming here for a roast which DH will cook, we don’t tend to go out as so busy.

JaceLancs · 19/03/2023 11:24

My adult DC split their day between in laws and myself
today they are lunching with in laws and we are meeting up tonight - it’s also one DC birthday so busy day
I’m taking DM out for late lunch/afternoon tea and no longer have in laws myself

GirlOfTudor · 19/03/2023 11:25

We've never had such high expectations in my family. I don't think I've seen my mum on the day since moving out 10 years ago. I get a card and a gift/flowers and send her a text.

AllTheGumdropButtons · 19/03/2023 11:26

Yes I tend to think Mother's Day is for the kids really. Hence being delighted at having them jump on my head at the crack of dawn, then waiting while they went downstairs to make me burnt toast and lukewarm tea, and they'd bring me homemade cards 💕 My parents and inlaws were local and so we'd usually pop into mil in the morning and mine in the afternoon.
Now i have no MIL but DM is about, though frail. DH, sibs and I took her to a garden centre yesterday and she had a lovely time with us all, and everyone ended up buying her a little something.
Today my now adult children are taking me out to lunch, first time ever that they are solvent enough to do so. Married DD saw her MIL yesterday, and her DH is walking dogs with his mum and dad today.
I phoned mum today. DS lives abroad and he sent me a sweet WhatsApp message, and we'll probably do a video call while I'm out with the others.
We all have good relationships with each other though. It seems to me that it's the ones who aren't very nice that feel the need to put a heap of pressure on their families.
I'm very excited about the lunch today but it's not something I'll ever 'expect'.

ColinTheCorgi · 19/03/2023 11:33

MIL lives 10 minutes away, DM lives 50 minutes away.

We went to see my mum yesterday with presents and I'll be taking her for a kid free meal another time.

DH will take the kids to see MIL later, with the present i bought. I'm not sure if I'll go yet.

I love my mum and MIL but I feel like mothers day is a massive chore.
Lots of thinking about what to buy, getting the kids and DH to write the cards and visits when I'm not in the mood.

Survey99 · 19/03/2023 11:33

Your mum and MIL have to hand the baton on, and be happy with flowers/card/call/chocolate etc.

My mum never insisted/expected anything on mothers day, but when when I became a mum my first consideration on "mothers day" was still my mum, not myself.

There is no baton 🙄 to pass on, the day is about our mums. Not me me me.

safetyfreak · 19/03/2023 11:33

I sent my mum flowers and a card, but its my mothers day too and I want to spend it at home chilling. I will not be made to feel guilty for that, though she tries!

Howyiz · 19/03/2023 11:33

Do what you had already planned for today.
You will be seeing them tomorrow for god's sake!

If there is anymore guilt tripping I would refuse to have them tomorrow due to being so upset by their behaviour today.

If you constantly buckle to her guilt trips she will continue to do it. She won't see anything wrong in what she's doing, jus that it gets her what she wants.

TheChosenTwo · 19/03/2023 11:38

Our plans have changed slightly today, I am going to see my mum this afternoon (will take ds with me) and we will also pop in to see mil. Have gifts for both, I bought something for mil and dh also got something for his mum - he can’t make it to see her today so called her this morning to wish her a nice day and he will take round his card and gift to her tomorrow and stop for a cuppa.
Generally though we drop in and visit one mother and have the other round for either dinner or lunch.
dd2 wished me a happy Mother’s Day this morning before she went to work and dh and ds are making a nice dinner for us all this evening. It’s a really low key day here, no expectations from my end. It’s just another Sunday for me - and Sundays are my favourite day of the week!

RedRobyn2021 · 19/03/2023 11:39

They are literally coming over tomorrow for dinner

Please don't sit feeling shit, she's not even your mum! Bless your heart

My DP mum lives 6 hours away and mine lives 15 but has gone on holiday today

SchoolTripDrama · 19/03/2023 11:39

@Seeline Happy Mother's Day 💐💝

Please make sure your DH hands you something (even if it's planned!) whilst saying loudly "Happy Mother's Day darling! From me & the kids" in front of both of them!!!!

Laptopneeded · 19/03/2023 11:49

Op why is it your business... You said to your partner you're happy with him going
He didn't want too and he's seeing his mum tomorrow.
. It's non of your business what he does in so far as he hasn't impacted you and you have not stopped him from going

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 19/03/2023 11:51

JaceLancs · 19/03/2023 11:24

My adult DC split their day between in laws and myself
today they are lunching with in laws and we are meeting up tonight - it’s also one DC birthday so busy day
I’m taking DM out for late lunch/afternoon tea and no longer have in laws myself

Are either of them parents?

Nanawhatsmyname · 19/03/2023 11:51

Both DH's mum and my mum have passed away so no juggling here unfortunately, but I can guarantee my DM and MIL would have made our LOs a priority and not made it all about themselves!
Your MIL sounds extra needy, especially as you're seeing them tomorrow already mad! Your DH seems to make quite a lot of an effort already IMO.

PropellerDance · 19/03/2023 11:55

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/03/2023 10:57

Frankly I think that all mothers should be able to just bugger off out for the day, leaving the kids behind, do whatever they want!

Because otherwise it's just another day of "expectations" with a whole load of pressure isn't it?

Bloody hate mother's day.

You sound delightful.

OP, you're already seeing them tomorrow don't feel bad. If his mum is also seeing her own mum then she has company and is doing something nice. You're allowed to enjoy Mother's Day too.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 19/03/2023 12:13

I cannot be arsed with all the faffing and guilt trips. It's not down to a step dad to put such pressure on an autonomous adult (and my DH has been in your boat).
In reality, it's all just commercialised crap and you've sent gift, card, messages and giving them dinner tomorrow. Let them have a mini tantrum - there are 3 mums in this equation so she needs not to be so bloody selfish.

wingingit1987 · 19/03/2023 12:16

We just FaceTimed my mum and sent over her gift. We don’t talk to OH’s side but when we did- we did the same with MIL. Things like Christmas- we do the same. I’m not dragging kids about trying to squeeze everyone in. Instead we see family on different days round about Christmas, and Christmas is our household only.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 19/03/2023 12:21

@PropellerDance, what's wrong with @AmandaHoldensLips view that she hates Mothers Day and thinks mums should be allowed go out and enjoy some peace and quiet? It's not like she's going to pose it to her children as "fuck you lot I'm out of here"!!
In general, mums do the lions share and deserve that time. With Fathers Day we'll do a lavish breakfast and DH then goes off to play golf/tennis. Kids have known it's his day to relax and not jump through hoops to please everyone else.

Hbh17 · 19/03/2023 12:27

It's really not necessary - or always possible - for an adult to visit their mother in person. When I was a child, nobody did this and a card in the post was considered sufficient. So you do whatever suits you - maybe go out somewhere on your own, which would be a real treat!

Gymnopedie · 19/03/2023 12:35

So you spend every Christmas with her because of her guilt trips. What about you? What about your parents?

If having DCs of your own has given DH the push he needs to say no more, and this is the day he's decided to implement that boundary then what you do is support him.

3peassuit · 19/03/2023 12:46

I’m a mil and a grandmother. I’m happy with a phone call and a card. I had my mother’s day time with my DDs when they were little. It’s their time now.

thecatsthecats · 19/03/2023 13:19

I think that if your adult kids are in the throes of parenting young kids, then you should suck it up and go to them if you want to see them on Mother's/Father's Day. Especially if you're as close as 40m away.

Otherwise it's a circus of fitting people in on one day.