How do you juggle Mother’s Day as a mum with a mum and a MIL!?

[Sunshinejeans]

Just that really.. I’m a fairly new mum with a 18m old & very early pregnant with #2. My mum lives 5 minutes away and MIL lives 40 minutes away.

For context I don’t buy gifts for DH family.. they’re his family and that’s for him to sort. He’s arranged a card and flowers to be delivered to his mum today and we’re seeing them for dinner tomorrow as we host them every 2 weeks for dinner. He’s had a call from his mums partner today asking what time he’s coming over to see her (no plans had been made and he messaged her this morning to wish her a nice Mother’s Day she doesn’t like talking on the phone hence the message and not a call) she is taking her mum & dad out for lunch with her partner so not sat at home solo). DH has 1 sibling who lives out the country so all the expectations fall to him, I’ve said I have absolutely no issue with him going over to his mums for a cuppa today but he quite simply doesn’t want too. I am seeing my mum this morning for a cuppa and DH is taking me out for late lunch with our DS & he said to his mums partner that he won’t be popping over today as he’s taking me out but looks forward to seeing them tomorrow and hope they have a nice lunch out with his grandparents today (his mum messaged saying thanks for the card and gift so we know they’ve been received) but his mums partner has since messaged saying “it’s shame you can’t pop in on your mum today.”

Now sat here feeling a bit sh*t about it all and have no idea how we’re meant to juggle everyone and everything.. ever since we had DS it feels like Christmas & certain days like today have become a battle of who gets the most time and tbh I really couldn’t give a crap if DH went there for the day with DS and I had a day of silence but he wouldn’t ever do that.

So I’m sorry for the waffle but just love to hear what everyone else does as I can’t deal with this every year!!

[BoredZelda]

Not sure what is to juggle. Maybe because we live further away there is not expectation from anyone to do anything. My mum got a card and a gift. His mum didn't as he did nothing. We did our own Mother's Day thing here. As adults we can make our own decisions.

[Amipreg1]

I went out with my mum and sister yesterday while my DH took the dc to see his mum, he then brought the dc back to see my mum once we were back.
We spent today together with our dc.

[KatyJ89]

I saw my mum the day before and then I let other half worry about his mum and just go with the flow.

As that generation loves to say "I'm done raising children" I see it as my time to enjoy mother's day with my own children as they've had their time, which we are so often reminded of.

[Mari9999]

Start things as you want them to go. If you would not be bothered if your husband took your son for a few hours to visit his mom, speak up and let him know that this would be a win/win for both you and his mom. You get some quiet time ( and with a second child coming you will want him to develop an awareness that you will occasionally want some quiet" me time. ") and his mom gets to see son and grandchild on Mother's Day.

I would assume that as her partner has made a point of asking that this is something that the mom seems to want.

[GymNewbie]

Normally rush around seeing them all. Pleasing everyone else. Then dinner baths etc for school tomorrow.
But we saw mil and dm yesterday.
So today was more chilled. And no rushing

[familyissues12345]

@Chamomileteaplease

I tend to think that Mother's Day is more for the mother with younger kids who needs some sort of acknowledge, treat and break.

Mothers with grown up kids - well it's lovely to have a card and flowers and a visit if possible but not at the expense of the younger mother.

Tying yourself up in knots is stressful. Set a precedent and stick to what suits you.

I have to say I agree with this.

I've always felt that the focus should be on the mum who actually mothers her children - cooks, cleans, clothes washing, school run etc. I love my mum dearly, but she doesn't do any of that (for me) any more, particularly as we live a fair distance apart from each other.
I might feel differently if she was local and very hands on.

Back to your original question, I've never met MIL, sadly she died before DH and I met. Up until about 5 years ago we always saw my Mum, but we've changed that recently as my brother never bothered at all, and I felt, as above, that it was a bit sad that I never got to do what I wanted for Mother's Day .

So we see her usually the weekend before.

[bozzabollix]

Jealous of those with chilled out Mums. I’ve had a row today with my mum who started it because I invited her for a walk rather than over to my house. I didn’t know one of the options was so offensive.

So sick of my extended family, have had an atrocious Mothers Day as a result.

In my opinion it’s those with small kids who need the running around after them, not the generation above.

[BettyOBarley]

I agree that MD just becomes another day of too many expectations and trying to fit everyone in, I don't really enjoy it for that reason.

For the last few years I've invited both mum's over for dinner on MD but they both just sit there on their bums and don't even offer to make a cuppa so I end up running round after them, even if DH cooks I end up helping/cleaning up/making drinks. My mum doesn't even ever wish me a happy mother's day or acknowledge that the day is about me as well!

So this year I didn't do it. DH went to his mum's for tea last night with DC and I went to my mum's for a couple of hours this morning with cake and I think that worked ok.

[Sunshinejeans]

Again just came to say thanks for the replies and balanced views and opinions!

We’ve had a quiet day and it’s been really lovely & going to bed feeling very content! I’m glad that it’ll hopefully set the tone for future “big days” (I don’t see them as this, neither do my family but PIL do). Not heard anything further from MIL or her partner so I’m hopeful they’re over the “disappointment” of not seeing DH & our DS today and are going to be pleasant when round for dinner tomorrow 😬

Hope you all had a lovely day whether that was spent on the sofa, out for dinner or running around after everyone x

[Lancrelady80]

@Seeline

It's difficult.
We takes both out for lunch every year (both local and widowed) and have done since DC1 was born 21 years ago. I have never had a mother's day for me.
Neither gran has ever acknowledged it's my day too. My kids don't really take much notice as it's always been a day for grand rather than me. I get very jealous when my sister posts on FB all about her lovely day 200 miles away!

I'm following you down this line, just 10 years behind and minus the sister. (I do however get to see dh's brother's wife posting about her lovely day, as BiL doesn't live locally so it's always down to us to ensure neither mum is sat at home alone.

Dh tries to make it nice for me, but it's hard when I'm only a third of the consideration and the actual day is largely spent around organising collecting and dropping off as neither of them drive.

On the flip side, if we're desperate for a babysitter then either will happily oblige, which BiL and SiL don't have.

[crosstalk]

Mothers Day should be banned! It seems to cause so much disruption. I was delighted to have a card from DC but didn't expect them to host me for anything. A text would have been just as good. On the other hand there's another post where a working wife with teenagers hasn't had a thing done for her - when she seems to be live in maid and cook and earner. And then there are the grans who expect DC with their own grans or MILS to drop everything to come to celebrate them from 4 hours away. It's all daft. And driven by people who want your money for chocolates, cards and flowers all overpriced.

[Autienotnautie]

If we had arranged to see mil the day after I wouldn't plan to see her on Mother's Day too. I'd stay out of it it's up to ur dh.

[Weallgottachangesometime]

I think you need to prioritise your own family. Sadly it’s not possible to keep everyone happy sometimes. If I were you I’d get the wider family used to you doing more as a small family and prioritising that.

I saw my mum yesterday and my MIL isn’t local so we didn’t have this issue with Mother’s Day. However we have for Xmas and a few years ago I told them that for Xmas we stay home by ourself and we see them/others on other days over Xmas. Re set their expectations .

[confusedlots]

Since having kids, we have never done anything on Mother's Day with our own mothers. We do send cards and flowers. If we lived closer we'd probably pop in for a cup of tea but we live nearly an hour away from both sets of parents.

DH's sister doesn't have kids and she usually takes their mum out for a girly day, afternoon tea or something like that. Not something that DH would probably be invited to anyway.

DH and the kids usually take me out for lunch or something like that.

It's never been an issue before, however my mum has recently been through a really tough time. I've been helping them out, driving her places etc. My sister lives far away and probably feels guilty that she can't help out. She had a go at me today for not going to see mum today after all she'd been through. It was awful, she really upset me, and I've not enjoyed the rest of the day. I've not spent Mother's Day with her for at least 5 years, so didn't really feel the need to change that today, and I will be seeing her within the next week. But my sister thought this was outrageous and selfish of me, so I've felt the rest of the day feeling pretty rubbish to be honest!

[Teatime55]

I have a few friends where the whole day seemed to be dictated by the MIL and their demands. Sad really.

I have a friend who always ended up hosting her MIL and DM who would get pissed with her DH, she used to say it was the worst day of the year for her. She even did it when they got divorced one year. She quite rightly refused to acknowledge it as a day now.

[JussathoB]

@QueSyrahSyrah

Driving 40 minutes there and 40 minutes back for a cuppa with someone he'll see TOMORROW is ridiculous, no matter what day it is. He's made the right choice and his Mum's partner is out of line to try and guilt trip.

This
its such a pity some people are ruining these events by being so greedy and unreasonable.

[GG1986]

It's so ridiculous! People forget we are mothers too and want to spend time with our own children, not the constant pressure to keep our mothers and mother in laws happy by being out the house most of the day and not being able to relax. Anyway we saw my mum yesterday and mother in law today to break it up a bit.

[QueSyrahSyrah]

Driving 40 minutes there and 40 minutes back for a cuppa with someone he'll see TOMORROW is ridiculous, no matter what day it is. He's made the right choice and his Mum's partner is out of line to try and guilt trip.

[DisforDarkChocolate]

It used to be a bloody nightmare. Mother's Day was largely spent in the car and making small talk.

I do love my MIL so I put up with it. Also, my husband has generally made sure I knew I could have the day at home or a day out if I wanted to.

This year I'm struggling with missing my Mam who died 3 years ago and whose birthday would have been tomorrow so I sent him out to see his Mam with our son.

I don't think there is an easy solution if you have parents who insist on seeing you 'on the day'. I do not do this to my children.

[BMrs]

Honestly it's not your problem, it's your husbands. My DH isn't seeing his mum but we've sent cards from us and our DC and a lovely personalised gift which she will love. My mum is out with my brother today so we've sent cards and I'll take her for a nice lunch another time. Both live 1.5 hours away though otherwise I would have popped around.

Today Mother's Day is about me but both kids poorly and miserable and been a bit rubbish 😂

[I8toys]

Every year all of this pressure for one bloody day! I saw my mum yesterday and we had dinner with our family, my husband went to see his mum this morning before dropping of ds1 at uni. I'm doing what the hell I want and don't expect everyone to serve or coddle me.

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

My mam always said that mother's day changed once your kids have kids.
We don't see her on mother's Day, but I send her cards and flowers and generally see her a day or 2 before.
Same with MIL.

Mother's and father's Day are days for either DH or I to lie on the sofa and DS to bring us juice and snacks all day

[coeurnoir]

My mum never believed in Mother's Day so we never had to fanny about getting cards or whatever for her, and when my sister and I had kids we both went the same way so ours have never bothered with it. My son is working today anyway - cooking what he describes as overpriced bland shit for demanding, annoying women who spend the whole time whinging at their children. My daughter is working in France for a few months. We spoke this morning, but only because she generally calls Sunday mornings.
My mother in law does like a fuss and that's fine as that's my husbands duty, not mine. He's taken her out for lunch (not where my son works though) and has bought her something or other, but no idea what.

My birthday, however, forget at your peril 😂

[Onthegrid]

My mum is easy and relaxed, I popped round for afternoon tea yesterday, I took the cake, dad provided the tea. Today my sibling is taking her out for lunch, they asked first, if they hadn’t I would have gone round today or cooked lunch as I refuse to eat out on these special occasions as it is usually over priced and lower standard than a normal Sunday.
No idea what DH has arranged for his mum, but he hasn’t been to see her as he hasn’t left the house!
My DC (adult) live too far away to visit for the day, one sent a card and we had a catch up yesterday. The other doesn’t believe in cards but has called today. When they lived at home I would have had a card, small present and dinner cooked for me.
I am going to cook tonight as I always do on a Sunday, to be fair to DH he cooks more nights than me and I like doing our simple Sunday roast. If I had said I am doing my own stuff, today as it’s Mother’s Day he would have been fine, but I am happier pottering around.

[BecauseLifecanBeHard]

Oops wrong thread.