Ex living like a nomad and unsettling our dd

MyopicBunny · 2023-03-19T08:55:00+00:00

Would I be unreasonable to say he can't have her until he has sorted out a place to live? Since he sold his house about 6 weeks ago, he's been flitting from Air B&Bs to travel lodges and has stayed in 5 places. Our 3 year old daughter is very unsettled. She's crying all the time and I think it's because he has no regular place to take her and he's got a car that looks like a jumble sale inside. He hasn't had her overnight because I just don't think it's a good idea. She's a worrier anyway. He is trying to buy a house in a certain area because he wants dd to go to a specific school and is waiting for one to come up in that catchment but I told him it's not helping DD's mental health for her dad not to have a stable home. I said just get a place to live - that's the most important. He responds by saying I don't care about her education. He's causing problems for her and me because dd is miserable a lot of the time and she won't let me leave the room to even have a shower.

Choice4567 · 19/03/2023 08:59

That sounds very unsettling for your DD. Can he not collect her from you and take her out somewhere for the day, without going back to wherever he’s staying?

also I’m slightly confused why he thinks he needs a house in catchment for school. Will he be having her full time? Surely it’ll be your address that applies for school?

28January · 19/03/2023 09:00

Six weeks, seriously, I assumed you meant years. Legally his housing arrangements are none of your business, your daughter is entitled to spend time with her dad. You say she is unsettled and assume his six weeks of unstable housing is the reason, you are obviously pretty hostile so you might like to rethink that one.

BartsLongLostBro · 19/03/2023 09:02

Your poor DD sounds really distressed. Are you certain it's related to the housing situation.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 19/03/2023 09:02

28January · 19/03/2023 09:00

Six weeks, seriously, I assumed you meant years. Legally his housing arrangements are none of your business, your daughter is entitled to spend time with her dad. You say she is unsettled and assume his six weeks of unstable housing is the reason, you are obviously pretty hostile so you might like to rethink that one.

He is homeless and they have a toddler. It is her business.

Where he lives has no bearing on what school she attends.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 09:04

Is he thinking dd will live with him? Nip that in the bud now op.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:04

28January · 19/03/2023 09:00

Six weeks, seriously, I assumed you meant years. Legally his housing arrangements are none of your business, your daughter is entitled to spend time with her dad. You say she is unsettled and assume his six weeks of unstable housing is the reason, you are obviously pretty hostile so you might like to rethink that one.

You'd be hostile too if your child was unhappy all the time, having previously been happy. When he moved house, he sent her a video of all the empty rooms which made her very anxious.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:04

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 09:04

Is he thinking dd will live with him? Nip that in the bud now op.

No, he thinks we can just use his address

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Eeaieeaioh · 19/03/2023 09:07

Suggest he does contact exactly the same for a while wherever he’s living - so maybe the morning at the same park then the same McDonald’s or similar affordable meal out. Might need 2 possible options in case it’s pouring with rain.

IamnotSethRogan · 19/03/2023 09:08

Would you say that you're projecting your worries onto your child ?

It sounds like a fairly normal situation and he's holding on to finding the perfect house. It's not a particularly long period of time he's sorting out accommodation.

She might be unsettled because you're not letting her spend any proper time with her dad over night.

I honestly think you just need to calm down and leave it to him, it's not up to you to tell him to just sort any old place out

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:08

Eeaieeaioh · 19/03/2023 09:07

Suggest he does contact exactly the same for a while wherever he’s living - so maybe the morning at the same park then the same McDonald’s or similar affordable meal out. Might need 2 possible options in case it’s pouring with rain.

I have suggested this but he is one of those people who if you ask him to do something he says no.

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Blueflag22 · 19/03/2023 09:08

It's his daughter too. She is not staying overnight either. Kids cry, mine did when they went from EOW and then the other parent. It gets better and it's because she is young and you are main carer, you sound a little controlling towards the right of the other parent and spending time with their child as well. Be careful here and what you project onto your child towards her father. Education at 3? Weird thing to say I agree on that but he usher father. Like it or not.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:11

She might be unsettled because you're not letting her spend any proper time with her dad over night.

He comes to pick her up on a Saturday and then 2 hours later, he phoning me and asking me to come and help him. He's not even capable of organising a day with her. He doesn't think she should stay overnight either. Yesterday, he brought her back to my house because she needed a nappy change and I was happy to do that but it confused her.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 09:11

I wouldn't agree to using his address for her school. That's a recipe for disaster.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 19/03/2023 09:14

I don’t think this is about where he’s living. I can’t see that her dad being the same person, the same daddy, just in a different room or house would make her cry all the time and mean she was too unsettled to let you shower.

I think she’s unsettled because of the split, and the tension, not specifically that he’s been in different B&Bs. I’m sure it will get better, and I don’t think that 6 weeks is really living like a nomad if I’m honest.

DojaPhat · 19/03/2023 09:14

How did he send her the video? On her phone?

Yes he needs somewhere to live but both of you needn't had exposed her to his chaotic living situation - picking her up to take her for lunch on a weekend afternoon would have sufficed.

HettySunshine · 19/03/2023 09:15

He can't use his address for school application unless it is your dd's primary residence. This means the address registers at her gp and the address linked to the payment of child benefit.

If your address is her primary residence on this basis where he lives won't make a difference to where she can go to school.

SybilWrites · 19/03/2023 09:15

I kind of agree that you are making the situation worse than it needs to be. My ex had no house to take my children to to start with. This is his problem not yours.

I just specified that my ex just had to take them out for the day. I didn't ask where (I wasn't particularly happy with the situation but didn't stress about it). Ime, you just need to be calm about it, let him take her out for however long he wants to, and then bring her back. No popping in to change a nappy (there are plenty of baby changing rooms around). Be upbeat with her, talk to her about the nice time she has with daddy (at the playground/Mcdonald's where ever) and just leave him to it.

HettySunshine · 19/03/2023 09:16

'You'd be hostile too if your child was unhappy all the time, having previously been happy. When he moved house, he sent her a video of all the empty rooms which made her very anxious.'

Why did you show her the video? I'm guessing she doesn't have her own phone?!

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:18

DojaPhat · 19/03/2023 09:14

How did he send her the video? On her phone?

Yes he needs somewhere to live but both of you needn't had exposed her to his chaotic living situation - picking her up to take her for lunch on a weekend afternoon would have sufficed.

I agree. The thing is, the original plan was for him to live temporarily in a place that he was renting so he started renting it and taking her to that place and it all seemed fine. Then he suddenly decided that the place was giving him headaches. So he moved out amid a row with the woman who owns it.

I also found out he keeps taking dd to the container where all his stuff is, which I doubt is helping.

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Coraline353 · 19/03/2023 09:18

Why are you happy to do.her nappy?.he needs to do it. Don't be home when they're out so he can't bring her back.

IamnotSethRogan · 19/03/2023 09:18

He comes to pick her up on a Saturday and then 2 hours later, he phoning me and asking me to come and help him. He's not even capable of organising a day with her. He doesn't think she should stay overnight either. Yesterday, he brought her back to my house because she needed a nappy change and I was happy to do that but it confused her.

That's quite the dripfeed. She's probably unsettled because her dad is shit. It's still got nothing to do with his current housing situation.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:18

HettySunshine · 19/03/2023 09:16

'You'd be hostile too if your child was unhappy all the time, having previously been happy. When he moved house, he sent her a video of all the empty rooms which made her very anxious.'

Why did you show her the video? I'm guessing she doesn't have her own phone?!

I didn't realise he was going to say 'look at all the empty rooms' I didn't think he'd be that senseless.

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namechange3394 · 19/03/2023 09:19

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:04

No, he thinks we can just use his address

Show quote history

This would be fraudulent. Don't allow this to happen.

Ponderoveryonder · 19/03/2023 09:20

I think you may need to find a smidge of sympathy . It’s not ideal but I guarantee your ex probably feels fairly ashamed and unhappy living between travelodges and carting his stuff around in his car. For the sake of your dd, I’d encourage you to reframe his temporary homelessness as some sort of adventure. Her mental health is as dependent on your reactions to the situation as his his, and this must be already costing a fortune. As her about the places she’s stayed , try to frame it as exciting.
it’s been six weeks. Finding housing atm is really hard.

tenterden · 19/03/2023 09:20

Why did you show her the video? I am assuming a three year old doesn’t have their own mobile but I am very old so…

Your DDs confusion will be about the split itself, not about her fathers living conditions.

My advice is that you are not available when he takes dd out. Go to the cinema, phone on silent.

And make it clear he will not be able to use his address for dd school. Seriously, that’s his major concern right now?