Ex living like a nomad and unsettling our dd

[MyopicBunny]

Would I be unreasonable to say he can't have her until he has sorted out a place to live?

Since he sold his house about 6 weeks ago, he's been flitting from Air B&Bs to travel lodges and has stayed in 5 places. Our 3 year old daughter is very unsettled. She's crying all the time and I think it's because he has no regular place to take her and he's got a car that looks like a jumble sale inside. He hasn't had her overnight because I just don't think it's a good idea. She's a worrier anyway.

He is trying to buy a house in a certain area because he wants dd to go to a specific school and is waiting for one to come up in that catchment but I told him it's not helping DD's mental health for her dad not to have a stable home. I said just get a place to live - that's the most important.

He responds by saying I don't care about her education. He's causing problems for her and me because dd is miserable a lot of the time and she won't let me leave the room to even have a shower.

The problem is that he changes his mind daily. Not just about this but about everything in his life. I'm sure it's not his fault he's like that, but he drags me into it by phoning me and venting about it.
So drop the rope, then he can no longer drag you with it.
There is no need to make yourself so available to him.
Stop accepting phone calls, deal with him by text only, & if he starts to vent, ignore him.

The boundaries are all wrong. That's the problem. If he didn't tell me anything and I just dropped her off I wouldn't be worried as much as I am.
You can't control his boundaries, only your own.
Erect a hard one: you no longer listen to his venting, you are no longer available to do his parenting for him on his access hours, you are not interested in whatever he's changing his mind about today.

It doesn't matter if she's the next Sheldon Cooper - she's still only 3, with a 3 year old's emotional development & limited ability to understand the adult world.

You'll get through this stage OP, & the best thing you can do for DD & yourself is to disengage from ex's nonsense. You are no longer his wife, he doesn't get wife-privileges like listening to his venting or doing the nappy changes because he thinks that's your job.

It is concerning that he knows you suffer with anxiety and yet says things to keep you anxious - almost like he’s doing it by purpose.

Of course he bloody is.
He's doing everything possible to keep himself firmly centred in OP's life.

For whatever reason, your ex sounds unstable and unsettled himself at the moment. It seems like the best thing for your daughter is for him to collect her from you regularly, say once a week at weekend and take her somewhere for a few hours to spend time together, park, museum, for a picnic.....

You don't want the situation to be turned in to you accommodating his access in your home. It's a bloody minefield. It will take a couple of years to settle down so set out your routines now to support your DD in as settled a way as possible while hanging onto your own MH.

This child has an unpredictable, somewhat laid back father on one side and an anxious, worrier mother on the other side who is treating her like an adult because of her “unusual” intelligence.

You both need to get a grip and sort yourselves out and be better for your daughter. Neither of you are doing her any favours with your behaviour.

Don’t be so… myopic?

I don’t care how academically intelligent your 3yo is.

She’s still in nappies and she’s still upset by a video of an empty room. She is 3.

You think the fact she can read matters or you wouldn’t have mentioned.

It’s irrelevant - she has the emotional intelligence of a 3yo tops and possibly a lower than age average emotional resilience.

You need to keep that front of mind so you don’t do things like show her unchecked videos from a man you know is a dick.

Are your older 3 children not his, and not involved in the contact to support her?

Where did you get the impression that OP treats her 3 yr old like an adult?
You can role your eyes if you like, but the ´unusual intelligence’ that OPs child is showing is actually relevant - it means her understanding of the situation may outpace her ability to deal with it emotionally.
So 3 yr old sees empty house and realises this means her toys have gone but doesn’t understand that she will get them back when her dad gets a new house.
She sees her dad in a different place every week and every time she might think this is his new permanent home. And then the next week it’s different again.
She may be listening to things he’s saying about the future (good school zone, promises about her bedroom in the new house) but won’t be able to place these things in her one understanding of time.
3 year olds don’t have a good grasp of time yet. This is part of why they like routines. They can understand now and not now, later. But ´next week’ is meaningless to them unless they have an established and predictable weekly routine - eg next time I have a swimming lesson we are going to jump in to the pool/ next week at Gran’s house we are going to bake a cake. Things like ´maybe in a few weeks’ or ´sometime soon’ or ´before summer’ are just unfathomable to a 3yr old.
Even coming back to her mum for a nappy change is confusing - she gets told she’s going out with dad, then coming back home to mum. Except what actually happens is she goes out with dad, comes home to mum for a nappy change, then goes out again with dad, then home to mum. That’s genuinely hard to understand for a 3yr old. The fact that the afternoon out was meant to last 5 hours and the nappy change happened 2 hours is not something a 3yr old can process yet.
OP this sounds hard, but you can only control your end of things. Can you have a evening routine on contact days that’s always exactly the same? Maybe the same cartoon, then the same tea, same story, same pyjamas and same bedtime? I know you’ll already have a bedtime routine, but extra predictability might help.

He needs to take care of her when it's his turn to have her. How exactly he does that is his business. Your being involved in the details is inappropriate and will wear you down and make the situation much worse. I know it's difficult, but as time goes on there will be all kinds of challenges - you won't like where he lives or who his friends are or how he feeds her or how late he keeps her up or that he's introduced her to his new girlfriend or whatever. But unless you can prove she's actually in danger or at risk from him, there's nothing you can do and struggling and stressing over details is going to make you and your daughter miserable.

He's your ex, not your partner. You can't push him to buy a house if he's not ready. It sounds like he had the right idea with a short-term rental apartment; the one he had didn't work out so he needs to look for another one. But that's his problem. Let him handle his responsibilities toward your daughter - when it's his turn to take her he takes her and by doing so he learns to cope. Don't be available for him to put his responsibilities on you when it's his turn; of course you have to be reachable in an emergency but having to change a diaper is not one. When it's his turn to have her, tell him firmly you'll take her back whenever you're due to take her back and it's his job to parent until then.

Tbh it sounds like neither you or your ex are being reasonable here. Lack of a permanent home after only 6 weeks is not the absolute disaster you seem to think it is though. Would you feel less of a parent if you were not in secure accommodation yourself? You are anxious and concerned about your ex’s behaviour and your 3 yr old is picking up on your anxiety and becoming anxious herself, you should be helping her to process this change to her routine not ramping it up. Your posts are full of contradictions as well, you used to drive your DD an hour to her dad’s house and all was well and he would drive her back, now he’s phoning you after two hours because he can’t change her nappy how did he manage that before? And give over with the unusually intelligent stuff she’s 3 years old, her being anxious about things that should not even be an issue for most 3 yr olds is not a sign of premature maturity, as you think it is, it’s a sign of her not feeling safe and secure which if she is living most of the time with you is down to you.

She's 3. Her 'anxiety' is 100% coming from you.

Sounds like he has always had a place to take her in the 6 whole weeks since he sold his house 🙄
You need to get a grip and realise what you are projecting onto your child

Your ex sounds erratic and unstable so I think you’re right to be worried. He’s filling his 3yo dd’s weekends with time in Travelodges, trips to his storage centre and heading back to you for a simple nappy change. What a ridiculous way to parent a tiny child, especially as he’s wealthy.

It sounds like you need a serious discussion about schools to disabuse him of the need to find a catchment for her an hour away. And he needs to plan his weekend time doing things for her - swings, swimming, soft play, petting zoo.

Thanks for the supportive responses. Don’t worry, we all know that anyone mentioning that they have a small child who is intelligent is like red rag to a bull on MN.

Im not sure how some people seem to think that I’m not a good parent and that you are in a position to criticise me - I suppose you’re perfect? But if it makes you feel better to have a go at someone on the internet that you don’t know then that says more about you.

I’ve acknowledged my own anxiety about the situation and this thread has made me think about how I need to make light of the whole thing with dd and take a different approach. And this thread has helped me to realise that.

I also would not try to keep her from him because he does love her even though he acts weird. It’s true that you can’t really do much about it when a child’s father is like this. I just wish he didn’t involve me all the time. My ex husband who is the father of my other children always planned out contact on his own and never involved me and never needed to.

my oldest children are adults and at university. I have a 13 year old at home. They all have a good relationship with the 3 year old.

I’ve acknowledged my own anxiety about the situation and this thread has made me think about how I need to make light of the whole thing with dd and take a different approach. And this thread has helped me to realise that.
Job done then OP. & well done you for taking it all on board & deciding to adjust your own mindset.

I just wish he didn’t involve me all the time.
To be fair ... you keep letting him.

Next time he takes her, go out.
When he texts you whinging to come to your house or have you do his nappy-changing for him, ignore him.
Start using the word NO.
Stop letting him into your home. He is your ex, he has no need to be there, & he doesn't get to presume on your wifework & good nature any more.

Can i ask a couple of questions.

Wherevus the catchment area he is looking at ? Is it close to you ?

How did it get to the point he can't change a 3 year olds nappy ? I am assuming he previously has ? Suggest he gets pull ups -

I would also say regularl messages saying hello are odd ? Try a video call a couple of times a week. Out of sight is out of mind at this time-

I also wonder the purpose of continually contacting you - after 2 years he should know how to care for your Dd without issue?

Your post is confusing.

1. Why don't you get the videos he sends? Whether it's videos of him or cute puppies or whatever you know that your child is unusually sensitive so screening the videos is a non-brained. You describe your Ex's useless behaviour yet expect him to know that your dd would be freaked out by seeing an empty house ? 3 year old children normally aren't freaked out by that or storage facilities so I think you are expecting too much from a man who won't even change a nappy.

2. The anxiety about an empty house video and lack of regular contact space would have me looking into a medical diagnosis of some kind. My NT kids were happy to go to unfamiliar places (they enjoyed Big Yellow Storage when we moved house at that age) and found hotels exciting.

3. Special Needs are often genetic. Your ex's determination to find a place within a certain school catchment when he finds looking after his dad for 2 hours a struggle is insane. Note that the address used for school admissions should be the resident parent and where the child benefit goes (if applicable) Assuming that he still has her for 2 hours a week, it would be fraud and you'd lose her school place.

4. Isn't the most straight forward reason for your dd's anxiety that you send her to contact with a man who can't even change a nappy and is calling you constantly when with her? What is the point of that time? She must feel crap being left with a man who is so useless. Children feel secure when carers are in control and focusing on them and it sounds like he is neither. he desperately needs to study how to do basic things like change a nappy- I bet YouTube will have lots of instructional videos on how to do it.

You have your own anxieties, you say your DD is a worrier and an anxious child, but then you're showing her videos on your phone from her father when you say yourself she's a worrier.

He sounds like he's being useless since his living arrangements have changed, but you say your daughter was fine having contact at his old house, so he can't be that useless.

I wonder if you and DD are stuck in a cycle where she picks up on your anxiety so becomes anxious because you're (possibly subconsciously) showing her you're anxious about contact with her dad, then your daughter displays anxious behaviours which fuels your anxiety as you take that as proof you need to be worried, so you make yourself available at the drop of a hat during contact time.

It's your job to help her not to be anxious.

He shows her a video of the boxes in empty rooms and she worries where her things have gone. Your response is:
"let's guess which box they're in... oh yes, I bet you're right. Isn't that exciting?"

She worries about where he's going to to take her that day. "That's an adventure, isn't it, can't wait for you to tell me where you've been." or she comes back saying they went somewhere different. "Let's see if I can guess the colour of the chairs... were they green...?"

Make it fun rather than something to worry about. It's all about the way you approach it.

Yes I have come to the realisation that I am probably feeding into this by feeling worried about her and how she feels. So from now on iM just going to keep telling her that daddy will have a new house soon but he hasn’t found one he likes, yet.

I have also asked her dad to please stop telling me what’s going on with his house and who he’s been arguing with etc and to please pick dd up and drop her home without telling me what he’s doing. Just contact me in an emergency and don’t keep following me. For example, the other weekend I was driving dd3 to her riding lesson and ex had dd4. He was actually waiting for me in his car with dd4 on the lay-by down the road from the riding school and he then followed me to Morrisons!

@PeekAtYou its quite possible that she is autistic yes. I already have two children with a diagnosis. However, I’m not sure yet. Because nursery say that for her age she’s advanced socially. Her social skills are apparently very good and I see that too. And she seems to really enjoy the company of other children more than adults. But she could be masking, even at the age of 3. This is something we will review over time.

She is very rigid though - she doesn’t like change. But socialisation is a big part of diagnosing a ASC.

The thing about nappy changing I don’t think I’ve explained. He is quite able to change a nappy but decided to ask me to do it because he said he would otherwise have to change her in the car.

Of course when she was worried about the empty house I just said ‘all your toys are safely in a box and everything is still there just like it was’. I do try to help her and not show that I’m concerned but she is possibly picking up on my stress. Which is helped by him acting like he needs me when he has her (I really don’t think he does. I think he just wants to see what I’m doing).

Explain to your dd what removal vans are. You might see one in your daily life or I an sure you'll find some sort of picture online where you can explain.

The waiting for you while dd3 does horse riding and the nappy story suggests that etc is very lazy. That's going to make any child anxious because they don't know if their needs are going to be met.

Why do you think where he lives necessarily has no bearing on the school she attends?
He's temporarily without a permanent home after selling. He has a plan. He's not living from a cardboard box

If he gets paperwork from authority saying dd lives with him he can claim benefits for her also. Even a counter claim against you if you currently get any monies... He could claim cms off you if he is down as main carer.. Beware op.

Yes, don't worry - I'm under no illusions about the perils of all this. He has been trying to persuade me to move house as well and I'm not going to - I'm likely to apply to our local school because it's good and there is no reason not to.

I don't know this area he wants her to go to.