Page 3 | Ex living like a nomad and unsettling our dd

MyopicBunny · 2023-03-19T08:55:00+00:00

Would I be unreasonable to say he can't have her until he has sorted out a place to live? Since he sold his house about 6 weeks ago, he's been flitting from Air B&Bs to travel lodges and has stayed in 5 places. Our 3 year old daughter is very unsettled. She's crying all the time and I think it's because he has no regular place to take her and he's got a car that looks like a jumble sale inside. He hasn't had her overnight because I just don't think it's a good idea. She's a worrier anyway. He is trying to buy a house in a certain area because he wants dd to go to a specific school and is waiting for one to come up in that catchment but I told him it's not helping DD's mental health for her dad not to have a stable home. I said just get a place to live - that's the most important. He responds by saying I don't care about her education. He's causing problems for her and me because dd is miserable a lot of the time and she won't let me leave the room to even have a shower.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:35

unfortunately there are thousands of children having fairly unsettled living arrnagements because thats the nature of the housing situation for many in this country

And who knows what problems those children will have when older? It isn't wrong for me to not want my daughter to grow up with loads of issues - everyone wants stability for their child.

The fact that the UK is a pile of sh* at the moment isn't a reason for me to suddenly think a chaotic life is ok for a child.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:37

I find it unfathomable, given you say that she is a an anxious child, that you dont watch the videos first that are 'sent to her'. She is 3 years old and you should be the gatekeeper to any communications given to her by video/tv whatever.

So you are saying that I was wrong to trust her dad to send her suitable communication? Why?

OP posts:

Motnight · 19/03/2023 10:46

She is 3, Op. The fact that she talks more like a 6 year old doesn't mean that she is equipped to dealing with the stuff that is being foisted on her.

Apply for a school near you. Protect her from her father's WhatsApps - don't show her any that may upset her. Tell her in age appropriate terms that daddy will get a proper place to live in soon that she can go to and have some of her favourite things at.

As for the fact that her father won't even change her nappy - words fail me.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:55

She is 3, Op. The fact that she talks more like a 6 year old doesn't mean that she is equipped to dealing with the stuff that is being foisted on her.

Apply for a school near you. Protect her from her father's WhatsApps - don't show her any that may upset her. Tell her in age appropriate terms that daddy will get a proper place to live in soon that she can go to and have some of her favourite things at.

Thank you. You're right. I need to act like it isn't a big deal and then maybe she won't be so stressed.

OP posts:

Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 10:56

How can I back off when he wants me there all the time when he's looking after her and when he can't even change a nappy? He phones me constantly when he has her which makes me worry she isn't ok.

Then tell him to figure it out.
Tell him to pick her up at X time and return at X time.

Tell him you are not going to be there as this is his time to bond with his daughter.
If he rings give him the advice and then say see you at X time.

It sounds like he’s using any excuse to contact you tbh.

tenterden · 19/03/2023 10:57

How can I back off when he wants me there all the time when he's looking after her

What he wants is unreasonable. You don't have to do everything he says you know. He will learn to change a nappy if left to his own devices, and as she is 3, I imagine she will be out of nappies very soon.

You sound very anxious and neurotic, and that's possibly why your child behaves in this way. Back off, let him parent. Carve out activity for yourself during his contact time. Make sure DD never hears you say anything negative about her father or his living conditions.

Motnight · 19/03/2023 10:58

Good luck, Op, it is obviously a really difficult situation.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:01

as she is 3, I imagine she will be out of nappies very soon.

Well this is another issue - she is able to use the potty / toilet but she said she's afraid of wee splashing on her leg so she holds wees in for hours. I haven't found a way to address this yet.

To the person who said I'm anxious, yes I am because I'm worried this will affect her mental health. But I can see that letting it affect me so much probably is making her worry more.

OP posts:

Redebs · 19/03/2023 11:02

I don't understand why people on here are being so hostile to OP. I have seen a similar situation in my family and understand completely how the father's behaviour about his living arrangements can unsettle a small child.

I'm guessing he's oversharing some of his own anxiety with her too. His idea about getting a house in the catchment area of a 'good' school is a total non-starter, since she lives with you. It sounds like he has got mixed-up ideas about providing for her future, rather than thoughtful, practical understanding about what she needs now.

OP, continue to be the strong, consistent one here. If he needs to bring her to you to do her nappy, then take her in and sort her out while he waits in the car. She will know that she's secure and that you're going to care for her regardless. If her father is stressed and anxious about this kind of issue, then it is only your daughter who will suffer. I know a mum who would make packed lunches for her child and ex for their contact days out together. She hated doing it, but it was for the child's benefit for them to have a relaxed time.

Try to make days out with him fun. Don't let him upset her with his self pity or adult worries about his future. Tell him that it's not appropriate to bother her about it.

Make sure he knows what is and isn't ok for WhatsApp video calls and be prepared to intervene if he starts getting too selfish and upsetting her. Be ready with age appropriate answers for her questions after calls and contact.

Sounds like you're doing a great job being a thoughtful and decent mum to a confused little girl. Very reasonable 👌

Redebs · 19/03/2023 11:04

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:01

as she is 3, I imagine she will be out of nappies very soon.

Well this is another issue - she is able to use the potty / toilet but she said she's afraid of wee splashing on her leg so she holds wees in for hours. I haven't found a way to address this yet.

To the person who said I'm anxious, yes I am because I'm worried this will affect her mental health. But I can see that letting it affect me so much probably is making her worry more.

He can take her potty with him for days out. Pack of baby wipes and he's sorted.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2023 11:04

It's not great but I don't think your ex is at fault. He has no permanent address. You don't like your dd being taken back to a b&b becsuse it's unsettling. What is he meant to do.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:07

Viviennemary · 19/03/2023 11:04

It's not great but I don't think your ex is at fault. He has no permanent address. You don't like your dd being taken back to a b&b becsuse it's unsettling. What is he meant to do.

He's had plenty of time to find somewhere to live @Viviennemary and money isn't a problem for him - he's very well off. I would of course have far more empathy if he was hard up etc.

The problem is that he changes his mind daily. Not just about this but about everything in his life. I'm sure it's not his fault he's like that, but he drags me into it by phoning me and venting about it.

The boundaries are all wrong. That's the problem. If he didn't tell me anything and I just dropped her off I wouldn't be worried as much as I am.

OP posts:

Testina · 19/03/2023 11:11

“She is very intelligent - she talks more like a 6 year old than a 3 year old and she can already read.
… She does often ask why she can't go to his 'new house' because that didn't work out.”

You need to stop thinking of her as “very intelligent”. She may be currently ahead on speech and reading, but her emotional intelligence is that of a 3 year old or even behind. Her general understanding is not advanced - see the new house confusion. Not criticising the poor girl - she’s 3. But it doesn’t help her for you to decide she’s very intelligent.

Because that leads to you sharing videos without watching them first.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:13

Her nursery says she's unusually intelligent. I'm not one of those parents who thinks intelligence matters or is desirable. But she is different to my 3 older children and it's not wrong to acknowledge that.

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Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 11:15

It’s great that you have such a good relationship but you are communicating way too much.

He shouldn’t be phoning you and venting about stuff because you are separated.
The only communication you should have is about your shared child.

It is concerning that he knows you suffer with anxiety and yet says things to keep you anxious - almost like he’s doing it by purpose.

You need to keep your anxiety to yourself and not show him and definitely not show your daughter.

You need to reduce the communication.
He is an adult. If you learnt how to change a nappy then he can too.
He shouldn’t need to contact you at all when he has his daughter and you need to try and control your anxiety and know that she will be fine.

Unfortunately your DDs mental health is suffering right now but not because of him living in different homes.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 19/03/2023 11:21

namechange3394 · 19/03/2023 09:19

This would be fraudulent. Don't allow this to happen.

Show quote history

I’m not defending it but I’m a teacher and I can assure you it happens all the time. We get some hilarious chat where the kid rattles off address to secretary etc, all proud of themselves. Parent…”NO, DD, we live at xxx, REMEMBER?”Cue confused looking kid wondering why Mum is saying they live with Granny, etc. It happens for catchments, benefit fraud, fairly consistently in schools.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:23

I'm going to try to keep contact with him to the minimum and ask him not to discuss the ins and outs of all the places he's looking at. And we'll just keep telling dd that her dad will find a new home soon and it will all be fine.

OP posts:

bellac11 · 19/03/2023 11:24

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:37

I find it unfathomable, given you say that she is a an anxious child, that you dont watch the videos first that are 'sent to her'. She is 3 years old and you should be the gatekeeper to any communications given to her by video/tv whatever.

So you are saying that I was wrong to trust her dad to send her suitable communication? Why?

Because parents are human and dont always get the tone or information right, just like you dont seem to some of the time. No one comes with a manual of how to communicate with children at different stages and about different things and he wont have intended to worry her but the images did worry her, so you need to see things first to check them out.

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:26

I don't think he was intentionally trying to worry her, he was trying to show her that he won't be living there any more. But she probably ended up wondering where her stuff had gone.

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LlynTegid · 19/03/2023 11:26

I think a reasonable view OP, and hopefully not too long before a permanent place is there for your DD's dad.

Newusernameaug · 19/03/2023 11:28

You’re not taking ANY responsibility for whatever is wrong with your daughter and instead lumping all the blame solely on your ex.

the longer you do this and avoid looking at what you’re also doing to cause this, then the longer your daughter will be unhappy for.

stop with the blame game and prioritise her well-being

Original poster

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 11:32

the longer you do this and avoid looking at what you’re also doing to cause this, then the longer your daughter will be unhappy for.

Have you actually bothered to read the whole thread?

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 11:43

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:29

She is a particularly anxious child - she always has been. I have to give her a lot of warnings about what is happening in advance and really explain things.

It's great that you are so in tune with her & make sure to manage this.

But odd that knowing your ex is contrary & can't even manage a nappy change , let alone his child's sensitivity to his new circumstances, you didn't check the video in advance.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 11:47

How can I back off when he wants me there all the time when he's looking after her and when he can't even change a nappy?

When he brought her back for a nappy change within 2 hours that time, & you complied, how come you didn't teach the useless twerp how to do it then?

You back off by switching your phone off & not being at home to him.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 11:48

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:37

I find it unfathomable, given you say that she is a an anxious child, that you dont watch the videos first that are 'sent to her'. She is 3 years old and you should be the gatekeeper to any communications given to her by video/tv whatever.

So you are saying that I was wrong to trust her dad to send her suitable communication? Why?

Because you can't trust him to change a nappy, or stay out with her without calling for your help. Because he's a chancer who thinks he can game the catchment system. Because you know he's a contrarian.