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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex living like a nomad and unsettling our dd

99 replies

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 08:55

Would I be unreasonable to say he can't have her until he has sorted out a place to live?

Since he sold his house about 6 weeks ago, he's been flitting from Air B&Bs to travel lodges and has stayed in 5 places. Our 3 year old daughter is very unsettled. She's crying all the time and I think it's because he has no regular place to take her and he's got a car that looks like a jumble sale inside. He hasn't had her overnight because I just don't think it's a good idea. She's a worrier anyway.

He is trying to buy a house in a certain area because he wants dd to go to a specific school and is waiting for one to come up in that catchment but I told him it's not helping DD's mental health for her dad not to have a stable home. I said just get a place to live - that's the most important.

He responds by saying I don't care about her education. He's causing problems for her and me because dd is miserable a lot of the time and she won't let me leave the room to even have a shower.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 19/03/2023 09:21

I think not seeing her dad would also be very unsettling and completely unreasonable to block a child seeing their parent unless they are a risk.

Completely agree no overnight but that is already happening.

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:21

Re: the school then no I will be applying for the local school by me. He's naturally capricious - that's just his personality and I can't do anything about that but I think if he had a place he could take her which was consistent that would help.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/03/2023 09:21

She is very probably unsettled because you have very recently split up. She is probably scared you will disappear as well, thats why she is clingy with you. She will take time to adjust.

OnaBegonia · 19/03/2023 09:22

I think you are adding to this, why show her a video he sent? A 3 yr old shouldn't be worried and anxious, you're projecting your own feelings onto her, suggest he takes her for lunch then home or stays and has lunch/a play at yours.

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:23

Your DDs confusion will be about the split itself, not about her fathers living conditions.

We've been separated for 2 years. She was fine when he was living in his house. I would drive her there and he drove her back (he lived an hour away). She was used to the routine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:24

OnaBegonia · 19/03/2023 09:22

I think you are adding to this, why show her a video he sent? A 3 yr old shouldn't be worried and anxious, you're projecting your own feelings onto her, suggest he takes her for lunch then home or stays and has lunch/a play at yours.

He sends videos for her all the time on WhatsApp.

OP posts:
tenterden · 19/03/2023 09:25

So sorry, I misread that you split six weeks ago.

OnaBegonia · 19/03/2023 09:25

@MyopicBunny
You do not need to show her them, she's 3!!
Have some common sense fgs!

FKATondelayo · 19/03/2023 09:26

I don't know why you're getting criticised OP. When our DS was a toddler we moved house and then a few months later, moved out to a flat while our house was renovated and he was really unsettled, had tantrums, and was very clingy. In hindsight we should have managed it much better with him. We just thought because he was always with us he would be fine. Children like routine and familiar places. Presumably she had a room in her dad's house and now that is gone.

Shelby2010 · 19/03/2023 09:26

Do you want her to go to a school that you are out of catchment for? Given that you will be the one having to travel to take her to school & pick her up? Also she won’t live locally to her friends.

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:26

Ponderoveryonder · 19/03/2023 09:20

I think you may need to find a smidge of sympathy . It’s not ideal but I guarantee your ex probably feels fairly ashamed and unhappy living between travelodges and carting his stuff around in his car. For the sake of your dd, I’d encourage you to reframe his temporary homelessness as some sort of adventure. Her mental health is as dependent on your reactions to the situation as his his, and this must be already costing a fortune. As her about the places she’s stayed , try to frame it as exciting.
it’s been six weeks. Finding housing atm is really hard.

I do see where you're coming from, honestly. But I think he is never going to find a house if he's so fixated on one small area.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 19/03/2023 09:27

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:24

He sends videos for her all the time on WhatsApp.

Show quote history

But you’re not answering why you showed her a video you thought would upset her, and did, and are then placing the blame squarely with him?

She sounds very anxious for it to be solely about his living arrangements.

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:27

OnaBegonia · 19/03/2023 09:25

@MyopicBunny
You do not need to show her them, she's 3!!
Have some common sense fgs!

Wow, you're rude. Most of the videos he sends are him saying hello to her.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/03/2023 09:29

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:18

I didn't realise he was going to say 'look at all the empty rooms' I didn't think he'd be that senseless.

Show quote history

You didn’t think to look at it before you showed it to her?

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:29

She is a particularly anxious child - she always has been. I have to give her a lot of warnings about what is happening in advance and really explain things.

OP posts:
CauliflowerCheese00 · 19/03/2023 09:42

Honestly OP, there are thousands of children in this country having to live that life for months on end, not knowing where they'll be sleeping until 6pm because they are in temporary emergency housing.
You're being a bit ridiculous to pin all of your DDs difficulties onto her dad, who she isn't even staying overnight with, staying in B&Bs for 6 weeks. I too thought you were going to say he'd be moving around for years disappearing in and out of her life.

It very much feels like you are projecting your own anxiety and disapproval and seeing your daughters behaviour through that lens. Just let the small stuff go, don't enable is poor quality contact by pandering to him, and talk positively about what a lovely day out she's going to have with daddy.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 19/03/2023 09:47

If she’s always been particularly anxious, then I don’t see how this particular issue is causing all her problems, sounds like
she doesn’t deal with unpredictability well. Unfortunately life is rarely predictable. Agree with PP that she needs encouraged to see it more positively

rattlemehearties · 19/03/2023 09:47

I don't understand how a 3 year old knows so much about her dad's living arrangements. You need to put her needs first and ensure she feels stable and settled, and be breezy about her crap dad's life, no stress. Definitely watch all videos privately ahead of showing her and be discerning about which ones she actually sees. She's so very young. Let her be a child.

WakeMeUpInspring · 19/03/2023 09:50

How does a 3 year old watch a video and get anxious about the empty rooms? You must have shown her on your phone. Surely you tell her it's temporary and manage her emotions. She must be picking up on your hostility. She knows far too much about the situation for a 3 year old,

Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 10:13

She's a worrier anyway.

She’s 3.
You are projecting your anxiety onto her.

If he is not having her overnights then she will not be upset by going to different homes.

That’s like saying she can never go to a grandparents house, soft play or to a supermarket without getting stressed out and worried.

His living situation is not a reason to stop him seeing her, especially when he is moving for her sake.

I think you need to back off a bit and continue letting her have a relationship with him, as stopping this is going to cause her more stress than going to different homes.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 19/03/2023 10:16

IamnotSethRogan · 19/03/2023 09:08

Would you say that you're projecting your worries onto your child ?

It sounds like a fairly normal situation and he's holding on to finding the perfect house. It's not a particularly long period of time he's sorting out accommodation.

She might be unsettled because you're not letting her spend any proper time with her dad over night.

I honestly think you just need to calm down and leave it to him, it's not up to you to tell him to just sort any old place out

Yep. You're anxious (and maybe a bit controlling) and it's rubbing off your DD.

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2023 10:21

MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 09:04

No, he thinks we can just use his address

Show quote history

He’s wrong, she will need to live with him at least 50% of the time.
Do you want your child to go to that school? What if the school changes or the catchment and he moves there and she doesn’t get a place? He’s being ridiculous
Having said that, it’s only been 6 weeks, she’s probably unsettled by your split rather than where he does or doesn’t live.

bellac11 · 19/03/2023 10:28

I agree with others

This is a relatively very short period of time and unfortunately there are thousands of children having fairly unsettled living arrnagements because thats the nature of the housing situation for many in this country

I find it unfathomable, given you say that she is a an anxious child, that you dont watch the videos first that are 'sent to her'. She is 3 years old and you should be the gatekeeper to any communications given to her by video/tv whatever.

You are also the controller of how she interpets the world and its your job to reassure her about things that little kids become worried about, often for no reason, they dont have our logic skills. You sound as if you are controlling about your ex and while he might not be great in all areas (Im sure you're not either), he is her father and she needs a positive relationship with him.

Theres no way a child should be knowing so much about his living arrnagements, he's not sleeping on the streets, he has airbnbs or other areas and what the inside of his car looks like is neither here nor there.

You need to seriously rethink how you are going to support her to have a relaionship with him

bellac11 · 19/03/2023 10:30

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2023 10:21

He’s wrong, she will need to live with him at least 50% of the time.
Do you want your child to go to that school? What if the school changes or the catchment and he moves there and she doesn’t get a place? He’s being ridiculous
Having said that, it’s only been 6 weeks, she’s probably unsettled by your split rather than where he does or doesn’t live.

Show quote history

The rules vary according to local authority so she may not need to live with him 50% of the time, there are lots of factors affecting this

Original poster
MyopicBunny · 19/03/2023 10:33

Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 10:13

She's a worrier anyway.

She’s 3.
You are projecting your anxiety onto her.

If he is not having her overnights then she will not be upset by going to different homes.

That’s like saying she can never go to a grandparents house, soft play or to a supermarket without getting stressed out and worried.

His living situation is not a reason to stop him seeing her, especially when he is moving for her sake.

I think you need to back off a bit and continue letting her have a relationship with him, as stopping this is going to cause her more stress than going to different homes.

How can I back off when he wants me there all the time when he's looking after her and when he can't even change a nappy? He phones me constantly when he has her which makes me worry she isn't ok.

She is very intelligent - she talks more like a 6 year old than a 3 year old and she can already read.

If you all think that this situation won't cause her any lasting damage then I'm quite willing to take that on board as that is my main concern and I will just let him get on with it flitting about as he is. She does often ask why she can't go to his 'new house' because that didn't work out.

OP posts: