Am I a shitty mum?

[DJMasks]

I feel totally pathetic. I work full time in the city and my two kids have combination of pre-school/part-time nanny/their dad. My DC are 4 and 2.

DC1 is ASD - pre-school struggled to manage him at first but seems better now.

DC1 is very obsessive, and it's currently food. He doesn't actually eat loads and he's slim and active. He just asks for food constantly and talks about food all the time. Counting carrots, head in the fridge. I find brocollis in his bed and his drawers. He obviously prefers cake but he will steal anything, ask for anything, and he just talks about food all the time.

Also, he doesn't do anything. I know that sounds weird, but he isn't into anything else. He has never had a teddy, never plays with any of his toys, doesn't do colouring, can't pikc up a pen, hates sports.

DC2 does play with toys and do things, but is going through terrible twos so can be tricky but feels far more typical and dealable with

I guess all of that is be defending what my issue is - and that is I'm a terrible mum. I let them watch phones. I shout sometimes. Sometimes I let them eat sweets before 8am. Someitmes I don't brush their teeth because they're both screaming. I used to be able to take them to soft play every weekend which the older one loves but now they both want to go crazy I can't handle alone.

I am very loving. I find that bit easy. There are lots of cuddles and kisses and playing hide and seek. But I can't discipline or have any structure at all. It's a mad house. The house is disgusting. I try to introduce structure but I collapse at the first sign of trouble.

DH has them during the week for a day or so but often works all weekend.

Everyone jokes i do something to them. I am starting to dread the weekends as it's often just the three of us. I can't tell you how many times DC1 asks me for snacks. It's actually torterous. He lives in the kitchen.

I need help. I'm a terrible mum. I hear from other mums about the rules around screens or food or things like that and I'm so far away from that. I'm disciplined and in control at work, and then i collapse at home.

The fact that you are asking that question automatically means that your are not.

Working hard and earning lots in the city has nothing to do with being a good mum.

Anyway, you're not a bad mum op...but you sound exhausted and overwhelmed.

You've got a nanny, is she quite firm? Can she help with rules that they (and you) need to stick to? An experienced Nanny presumably will have encountered a variety of structures

(I'm guessing she, could.be anything I guess) either way. Consult the professional you've got, if it was work I'm sure you'd go to the team for which area needs bolstering

'I guess all of that is be defending what my issue is - and that is I'm a terrible mum. I let them watch phones. I shout sometimes. Sometimes I let them eat sweets before 8am. Someitmes I don't brush their teeth because they're both screaming. I used to be able to take them to soft play every weekend which the older one loves but now they both want to go crazy I can't handle alone. '

If this is terrible parenting, then I'm a terrible parent too!

You’re not a bad mum at all, your house sounds like mine 😂DS1 has just buttered a whole pack of crumpets while I was feeding the baby because I didn’t have the arms / inclination to stop him. Don’t be so hard on yourself, kids need love more than they need soft play. Can you pack DS1 a snack box he can bring to the living room that he can eat throughout the day? A mix of healthy things and treats? Saves you going back and forth to the kitchen at least, and then set up a tent or something for them to play in and stick Moana on the telly. Easy Saturday morning!

Going to work is the easy bit. I don't know how mums look after kids full time without burning out. I feel done in every weekend, being climbed all over, pulled at.

Could the food-obsessed child be hungry? The amount kids that age eat varies a lot, kid to kid but also day to day, you have to look at whole weeks if wondering about their diets.
I’d make sure he had food available all the time (carrots and broccoli and cheese strings/salami/wholemeal peanut butter sandwiches type stuff - lots of fibre and protein, and in generous quantities) maybe in a lunch/snack box, and not comment on how much or whether he eats it, for at least 3 weeks to see if he relaxes about it - or if you don’t think that’s a good idea, read Ellyn Satter for advice, she’s v highly thought of.
Are you lonely at the weekends? Everything with you g children is so much easier with adult company, can you arrange some meet-ups/invite another family round? I used to have people over when our house was an absolute state, and just say sorry about the mess, they relaxed about me seeing their messy houses and we all got more
company at this really demanding phase of life. (My kids are older now and our house is clean again!)

@Comedycook I find them overwhelming definitely. Which is pathetic given how much childcare we use. It's the older one. I don't know what to do with him. All he wants is food, screens, and running around. He won't sit still unless i give him a phone to look at. I tried to do a puzzle with him just now and he couldn't do it so threw it at the wall.

@SnoringPains that makes me feel better. that's exactly the kind of thing that happens in our house! I turn round and DC1 has found some bread and butter and is makign sandwiches on the floor and i just let it happen half the time because i can't face the fall out.

Food screens and running around sounds within the range of normal to me. Can you not facilitate more running around? Take them swimming & the park afterwards? 100x better if you can get company, they don’t have to be close friends, just kids your child knows with parents who also need a distraction.

Stop focusing on getting him to sit still. He's not an adult...he's a small boy and they need to run!

My Ds is a teenager now but when he was that age, come rain or shine every single weekend morning we'd be in the park. Honestly, as a parent, it's a pain in the arse when you just want to sit indoors with a cup of tea! But they need to burn their energy off. Get them active in the morning and you often get a quieter afternoon for your trouble.

Your not a shitty mum.

I think because you are Mum you are experiencing this. Children have different settings when they release all the settings for others 😂.

The good news is if the children can embrace structure elsewhere then it's possible.

I would suggest you chat to nanny and dh and find out exactly what way they installed the structure, and then adapt it to your preference.

Personally I would address the teeth issues first. Then find something to leverage and use sparingly.

Good advice.

How does working hard and earning a good salary make you a good parent?

OP I have an autistic little girl who has ADHD. She constantly craves attention, changes task every few minutes and won’t be left. It’s horrific. She recently had two friends over from school and this really emphasised how much harder I have to work compared to the average parent. It’s exhausting and I hate it most of the time.

Thank you @PinkyBlossom - it's not about "making him sit still" but I mean there are a lot of hours to fill in the day and if we are at home - it's a nightmare. he won't do anything. i got the paints out last weekend and he covered his hands in the paint and tried to rub it on the wall. i said no. he got upset. activity over. 10 minutes down and a mucky wall is all i got!

exactly @P@PinkyBlossomI see other parents giving their kids puzzles, colouring in books, painting, stickers, fun thigns like that and i jush wish we coudl do that together but he pushes everything away.

but i know the nursery can't manage it either as he never comes home with anything whereas all the other kids at pick up have their paintings or whatever in their hands.

I will try to take him out more. It's pouring with rain right now where I am which makes a playground pretty tricky. but yeah, i will get out more.

OP Some children do not like painting. Some children do not like messy play.

You say your child obsesses over food. Why not go shopping for ingredients together and then let him make something with them and only when he has made it and cleaned up and cooked the food - then he can eat it and share it with you.
It's worth a try

i think the food thing is more about control than hunger @Fullyhuman he tries to control a lot of stuff - so as soon as i sit down or walk out the room he asks for more food. i don't know whether to totally relax about it and give him lots and lots of food in reason in the hope it becomes less of battle ground or go the other way entirley and just have set meal times and 1 or 2 snacks at set times too like they do at nursery. he doesn't ask for food there at all because he knows its wont' happen.

It does sound hard.

Do you have a garden? Could you set up an obstacle course? Trampoline? Football goal, basketball hoop? Paddling pool when the weather gets warmer. Sand pit?

At home, does he like the bath? Doesn't just have to be for washing... would he be happy spending time during the day in the bath with some bath toys just splashing around?

A lot of autistic children play in ways you would not expect, perhaps not even recognise as playing.

DS2 will not allow me to sit next to him and read him a book, books are for him to flick through so the pages tickle his face. Toy cars are not for going "vroom", they are for throwing in a plastic box or behind the furniture so they make a nice clatter.

And he is never, ever still. He can out-eat his bigger brother (they're only a year apart, but DS1 is tall and built like a brick shit house while DS2 is a little short and very finely built) anytime - he can out-eat some adults! I think he burns it all off by only being still in his sleep.

I can't have him in the kitchen with me when I'm making food. He'll be taking things out of tomorrow's lunch boxes as I make them, or the worst, sneak up behind me and suddenly a hand arrives on the chopping board trying to get carrots!😱

It is hard, but you're doing it. You are not failing your children. You can't run yourself into the ground trying to keep up with parents who give an image of always being in control of every single thing - it's almost certainly not the full story.

I actually know someone who will post lovely photos and commentary of trips and meals out and this and that then message me that very night for support with problems you couldn't guess at from her sunny SM presence.

I think food planning might be really helpful to him, of course he would get to choose what his meals and snacks are, pin it up on the wall and it might calm his anxiety around food a bit.

Lots of kids are not interested in, or able to cope with controlling the mess that comes with painting, at that age. If he doesn't like it, don't bother - it's a huge amount of prep and clearing up for no returns.
Also, lots of kids don't do much by themselves, they want someone ( you) to be doing everything with them, and there's not too much you can do about that.
If DS1 has ASD, then I wouldn't even contemplate overstimulating environments like soft play, they are awful for many NT people, and I imagine the noise alone would send him wild.
Look at getting him outside, not always a playground as that's dull for you, but out in the green, find local woods or green spaces. Back to basics like puddle jumping if it's raining, kicking leaves, hid and seek in the woods ( if you can trust him not to disappear). If it's raining you could walk to a station, or somewhere you can see trains going past , if that's something he'd enjoy. Get him out and exercised as much as possible, sign him up for football or tennis or something regularly if he'll do organised sports, but something outside.

As far as the food is concerned, you will need to toughen up. There's no reason for a 2 year old and 4 year old to be having sweets in the house, just don't buy them and let them have them for special occasions only. They shouldn't be eating sweets at all at that age, certainly not before breakfast! Make it a rule, no sweets in the house. If you haven't got any, they can't have them.
You can leave out the things you are OK with him having access to, but you can get childproof locks for the fridge and cupboards. You could leave out carrots/whatever veg he wants for him to help himself to, but not anything else. If you give in, he will keep doing it. Consistency is everything. If you give in once, you send the message that you don't really mean it. Make sure Dad and nanny enforce the rules too. I suspect Nanny probably does have her own rules that he complies with, have you discussed it with her?
Dad working all weekend seems to be an issue too.