Am I a shitty mum?

[DJMasks]

I feel totally pathetic. I work full time in the city and my two kids have combination of pre-school/part-time nanny/their dad. My DC are 4 and 2.

DC1 is ASD - pre-school struggled to manage him at first but seems better now.

DC1 is very obsessive, and it's currently food. He doesn't actually eat loads and he's slim and active. He just asks for food constantly and talks about food all the time. Counting carrots, head in the fridge. I find brocollis in his bed and his drawers. He obviously prefers cake but he will steal anything, ask for anything, and he just talks about food all the time.

Also, he doesn't do anything. I know that sounds weird, but he isn't into anything else. He has never had a teddy, never plays with any of his toys, doesn't do colouring, can't pikc up a pen, hates sports.

DC2 does play with toys and do things, but is going through terrible twos so can be tricky but feels far more typical and dealable with

I guess all of that is be defending what my issue is - and that is I'm a terrible mum. I let them watch phones. I shout sometimes. Sometimes I let them eat sweets before 8am. Someitmes I don't brush their teeth because they're both screaming. I used to be able to take them to soft play every weekend which the older one loves but now they both want to go crazy I can't handle alone.

I am very loving. I find that bit easy. There are lots of cuddles and kisses and playing hide and seek. But I can't discipline or have any structure at all. It's a mad house. The house is disgusting. I try to introduce structure but I collapse at the first sign of trouble.

DH has them during the week for a day or so but often works all weekend.

Everyone jokes i do something to them. I am starting to dread the weekends as it's often just the three of us. I can't tell you how many times DC1 asks me for snacks. It's actually torterous. He lives in the kitchen.

I need help. I'm a terrible mum. I hear from other mums about the rules around screens or food or things like that and I'm so far away from that. I'm disciplined and in control at work, and then i collapse at home.

Morning park is your answer I think.

Painting and crafting makes me want to scream, throw things. Volouring in makes me want to stab things!! I am an otherwise stable, successful professional job, grown up. I sympathise with your son. Other people just don't understand how much you really really don't want to do it.

I love lego though. Have you tried that?

Totally agree with those saying about green spaces btw. Green spaces have a really positive effect on children's behaviour - this has been studied in children with ADHD who have been proven to have milder symptoms after time spent in green spaces. It's a pain dragging everyone out but get the puddlesuits and wellies on and you'll thank yourself later.

OP there's a saying 'going back to work for a rest'........it's this!

It sounds tough op and I think you need ideas on some more ways to occupy your dc1 so that you can sometimes get a break on the weekend.

A pp suggested a trampoline and I would really recommend one if you have space.

What about enrolling them in some sort of gymnastics club? Get some scooters try and get out early for a scoot / walk, go past somewhere nice where you can get a takeaway coffee so that you feel like you've achieved something, when you get home they can go on screens and you won't feel so guilty. Get some snack boxes and fill them with chopped up crunchy veg the night before to keep them going if they need it. Get one of those big gym balls for him to roll on and push around. Get some big stacking blocks for building towers or assault courses. Have you tried sensory things like play dough or slime? There's something called dough disco on you tube which kids at school do with plastecine to warm up their hands for writing.

Most importantly, you are not a shitty Mum!

You're not a shitty mum! Your issues are:

1. weekends alone with 2 preschoolers after a full week at work
2. having an ASD child! It's a while different kettle of fish.

This would do most people in! I have a DS who does this with food. I GET IT - it can push you to the edge of your sanity and its hard to understand if you've not experienced it.

The food thing might be control. It might also be sensory issues.
Consider a chewy sensory toy/necklace

Consider help at wknds (could DH drop some hours?) Altho presumably this has already occurred to you.

Consider a weekend routine. Eg on Saturday:

Breakfast
Park or other outing in the morning with a snack. (Doesn't have to be the seem place each time but let your DS know the day before where you'll be going).
Lunch
Film/screens (With a snack?)
Tea
Bath, stories, bed.

Write (or draw pictures) of what the meals/snacks will be for the day and put it on the wall. If they are given at predictable times your DS may get used to this and pester less. Eg one at the park, one with the film etc.
You could involve him in choosing if that works - you might have to see whether this makes it easier or harder.

Have a "rule" that in your family you don't pester for food in between and redirect him to chewy toy when he asks.

These things helped me a lot with my DS and he's also got much easier as he's got older.

You sound like a lovely parent! Don’t worry. It will get easier as they get older and you can introduce more structure and rules. It sounds like you have the basics spot On- lots of love.

I was going to say something similar. Clear routine for both activities and food and all laid out in pictures for your DS1 so he knows exactly what is happening and when.

Does he do any sports/groups? How does he cope with those? There are some small studies showing that karate is very good for children with ASD - though obviously that’s going to be so child dependent. If he loves soft play then something like an informal kindergym might be good - when my older 2 were both preschoolers I used to take them to an unstructured session for under 5s which they could both participate in and that was great.

It might be a bit hit or miss but if you could find an energetic activity that you could take DS1 to at the weekend then that would also add structure/time for you to regroup slightly to your day.

Really?! I had plenty of money as a kid. So did a lot of my friends. Trust me… it doesn’t make you immune from life’s shit.

Would your DC1 enjoy cooking, making biscuits or something, rather than crafts?

Agree with pp about getting out to the park.

The food thing- is it worth trying making some food freely available? Something simple like apples and carrots. If he’s taking and hiding things like broccoli it could be an anxiety thing and having food freely available might help with that. He’ll take too much to start with but might learn to self regulate over time.

What is your DH’s job? Does he have to work weekends or is he choosing to? Sounds hard for you never to have any time together.

PS you don’t sound like a shitty mum at all but you do sound exhausted and at the end of your tether. Do you have any time when you’re not either working or looking after DC?

I really feel for you OP. I had/ have a FT city job and my first child has ASD and ADHD (though he wasn't diagnosed until his teens). He was absolutely exhausting, it was like he was powered by a motor. He either wanted physical activity all the time (he'd watch TV for half an hour but he's be doing headstand and rolly polys the whole time) or computer/phone screen. He wasn't interested in books, films, arts, crafts, other children. The one saving grace was that he was a good sleeper. BUT unlike you I only had one. My second child wasn't born until he was 9 and thank god he had calmed down quite a bit by then. I can't imagine how tough it would have been to have 2 kids in those early years. My husband was around at the weekends and did share some of the load though it was mostly me .He started to get easier from about 5 years which I hope happens for you too. He's now nearly 18 and just wants to lay in bed! I'm also sorry to see posters sneering at the idea that your work is part of you being a good parent. Of course it is! We need to provide money to put a roof over their heads and feet and clothe them. Love is critical, of course it is, but love alone doesn't pay the bills!

@MeinKraft me too!

Op why don't you make a snack board that can sit out the entire day and just keep topping it up. He will have not much to complain about then and you can control it by filling it with healthy foods as well as treats? If it's about control then you will be in control by doing this? Worth a try? Can you afford the nanny to come one day over the weekend?

Also there's a lot of food safe knives and cutlery, give him some food to play with and chop up? Sorry I'm not sure if this is helpful but just thinking of some suggestions. You don't sound like a bad mum, just exhausted.

Just took them outside to play hide and seek in the garden. DS has his backpack on as he puts it on all day every day. He looks weighed down as he's running about. Turns out he's got a huge block of cheese, butter, a pack of bacon, a cucumber, and some oranges in it. Had to laugh.

You are doing a good job in tricky circumstances.

I wasn’t quite sure if you and their father are separated? If you are together it seems like the most important thing is to sort your working patterns out so you are both around at the weekends. Right now you are never getting a break - which with an ASD kid is really really hard.

I would stop trying to do things that are hard and cause chaos like painting - he probably isn’t interested.

Do a wall chart for meals and snacks so he knows when they’re coming (make it with him) and put kid locks on the fridge and cupboards. You know that will work because he doesn’t carry on like this at nursery. Lock sweets away or just don’t have them in the house, apart from anything else, eating sweets in the morning is going to mess with any routine.

Get them out to run around as much as you can.

@honeylulu that is exactly the same as mine!

"He was absolutely exhausting, it was like he was powered by a motor. He either wanted physical activity all the time (he'd watch TV for half an hour but he's be doing headstand and rolly polys the whole time) or computer/phone screen. He wasn't interested in books, films, arts, crafts, other children. The one saving grace was that he was a good sleeper" -

word for word like my son.

He's actually easier than when he was in the senes he's less angry. He used to break stuff regularly and even though he does have outbursts, he's less inclined to try and destroy the whole house. I'm hoping with the right primary school in Sep we can make more progress. music to my ears that it might get easier as he gets older @honeylulu

Now i have a younger one who is a proper toddler - i see how huge the difference is. the younger one gets upset sure - but i can distract him, or i give him something to play with he will stop and focus on it. he's still a tiny child of course but it feels so so differnet in the sense that he interest in stuff other than jumping on stuff.

Agree with everyone about cookign and green spaces. He watches cooking on youtube constantly and is always trying to 'be a cooker like mummy' by trying to chop veg etc.

thank you for all the advice. i do think some it comes down to having a challening older child and working so hard during the week that i find it hard to be ON from 6am to 7pm both days at the weekend. i have to watch him like a hawk unless i give him a screen. so i give him a screen and then i feel the guilt!

OP, I don’t think you’re failing at all. You just sound overwhelmed. I used to hate weekends🙃

My DD does a lot of the stuff you describe- fridge raiding and constant, constant requests for food-but-not-that-food (even when she can’t possibly be hungry) and the total lack of interest in quietly doing an activity that isn’t screen-based. DH says she reminded him of Animal from the Muppets🤣 Crafts and puzzles and even reading her a story were a bust, her wee pals would sit for ages independently making lovely salt-dough models or painting something recognisable but she was like a little greenfly who zipped around from moment to moment and as soon as you started doing something it was what about the next thing.

DH was also working constantly, our town was boring and the local playground was full of dog-shit and moody teenagers on the swings. I got her a bike and went long country walks with her riding alongside. We moved to a more vibrant area after a while and then we signed her up to lots of sports.

She’s super-fit and sport-daft as a result, still has boundless energy and roller skates around the house (getting into scrapes) with the attention span of a puppy but it’s not as guilt-inducing when at least you know they’re getting something worthwhile out of their weekend, and the screen time is rest and down-time then.

For the teeth I used distraction (let her brush her teeth to whatever YouTube crap was precisely two minutes long) and also showing her how to floss and use colourful kid mouth rinse (magic tooth potion) and unicorn toothpaste. DD was a brush refusenik, but she really loves looking at the crap that comes out from between her teeth 🤢

I would totally go with DS 1's obsession with food, it's typical with ASD.

Assuming it's not only real food he likes then buy him a play kitchen with lots of toy food to go in it, get him books that have lots of pictures of vegetables and whatever his favourite foods are in them (The very hungry caterpillar could be a place to start!)- what about growing his own food, could you do a bit of that with him if he's interested? Some strawberry plants might be an easyish place to start if he likes strawberries.

Don't try and do things he's not really interested in, always go with his obsessions and he'll be happy as Larry IME. I even used to make scrap books with ds where we would cut out of magazines pictures of his favourite things - supermarkets could be great for getting free magazines and doing that. Then he would spend ages looking through them with me as well.

Could you afford to have your nanny for part of the weekend? No wonder you are exhausted.

I was also going to suggest the visual timetable ( obviously you can vary it) and routine.

Would he play shops? Possibly you could set him up some toy or real tins etc and let him focus on selling the food to you etc?

Finally, never ever consider painting again. They’d what you pay nursery for 😉

Sorry I had to laugh too! Adorable in a way

I'm really stunned no one has mentioned on this thread that children with ASD tend to have "special interests" which are things they are so interested in to the exclusion of all else. It sounds like your oldest's special interest is food. Stop seeing food as a source of nourishment and try to see it through his eyes. A fascination. Something he wants to play with and learn about and talk about and look at (and sometimes eat) to the exclusion of all else.

Food is your child's special interest.

Meet him where he's at with this and life will be a heck of a lot easier. Find colouring books of food, TV programmes about food (Big Cook Little Cook on CBeebies, for example, or Veggiesaurs, or Veggietales), get him some toy food, try to incorporate his special interest into everyday play and he'll start engaging with it more.

Parenting with ASD is like parenting on "hard mode" sometimes, and the things that work for neurotypical kids don't usually work for ASD kids.

Oh OP, I'm very similar. Nobody at work would guess how chaotic and disorganised my life is outside of work. My house is a mess and my kids are feral.

I’d there any way your Dh can change his working hours?