Am I a shitty mum?

[DJMasks]

I feel totally pathetic. I work full time in the city and my two kids have combination of pre-school/part-time nanny/their dad. My DC are 4 and 2.

DC1 is ASD - pre-school struggled to manage him at first but seems better now.

DC1 is very obsessive, and it's currently food. He doesn't actually eat loads and he's slim and active. He just asks for food constantly and talks about food all the time. Counting carrots, head in the fridge. I find brocollis in his bed and his drawers. He obviously prefers cake but he will steal anything, ask for anything, and he just talks about food all the time.

Also, he doesn't do anything. I know that sounds weird, but he isn't into anything else. He has never had a teddy, never plays with any of his toys, doesn't do colouring, can't pikc up a pen, hates sports.

DC2 does play with toys and do things, but is going through terrible twos so can be tricky but feels far more typical and dealable with

I guess all of that is be defending what my issue is - and that is I'm a terrible mum. I let them watch phones. I shout sometimes. Sometimes I let them eat sweets before 8am. Someitmes I don't brush their teeth because they're both screaming. I used to be able to take them to soft play every weekend which the older one loves but now they both want to go crazy I can't handle alone.

I am very loving. I find that bit easy. There are lots of cuddles and kisses and playing hide and seek. But I can't discipline or have any structure at all. It's a mad house. The house is disgusting. I try to introduce structure but I collapse at the first sign of trouble.

DH has them during the week for a day or so but often works all weekend.

Everyone jokes i do something to them. I am starting to dread the weekends as it's often just the three of us. I can't tell you how many times DC1 asks me for snacks. It's actually torterous. He lives in the kitchen.

I need help. I'm a terrible mum. I hear from other mums about the rules around screens or food or things like that and I'm so far away from that. I'm disciplined and in control at work, and then i collapse at home.

Also my DS, who also never really played with toys or other activities, loves motion. He was obsessed with lifts as a toddler - in the way that only ASD children are! He finds it really calming and it re-sets him. (Even stopped the constant snack convos)

I've found that

swings
trampolines
balance bikes

are excellent for him and he can spend ages on a swing, even now. If you have any of those nearby or can fit any into your garden this might give you some respite/ideas of places to go and help him burn off a bit of energy.

We're all shitty mums, just in different ways! If we were all doing stellar jobs, there wouldn't be a roaring trade for child psychiatrists, and later on long term therapy for adults. Just do your best and your DC will figure it all out for themselves and will land up functioning, normal adults. Please don't let mums guilt ruin your time with them, if possible.

You sound like me. You’re not a bad mum, very far from that. I struggle with discipline. Their dad finds it easy & they respond better. I’m just not good at it. His bedtime takes 15 mins mine takes 2 hours. You’re doing your best and trying to improve to better yourself & your kids. That automatically qualifies for a good mum IMO! As for screen time I got myself in that rut! I don’t charge it after it goes dead so they have to wait until the next day. I try to get them out the house more. With the nice weather coming if you have a garden invest in some garden toys/activities

Totally agree with PP re: special interest. Go with it, especially as food is pretty good special interest. City farms could tick the outdoor & food boxes.

Other than that - I'm assuming you have some spare cash. Ikea sell a few really good exercise-y toys. Gym mats, soft balls, pop up tunnels. Could you get those and a Gorilla Gym thingy?

It is knackering and you are a good mum.

I also work in the city. We also have full time childcare. I only have 1 child and there is no ASD or other issues.

But I also find the two days at the weekend the most exhausting part of my week and my DH is around.

So no you're not a bad Mum, cut yourself some slack. This shit is hard. Harder than any work deadline, project, presentation, exam, meeting that I've ever done before!

Does your DH have to work weekends, or do you think he's somewhat trying to avoid home life?

There are a lot of great suggestions here but I would re-assess your childcare situation. Of course you're exhausted, you work hard all week and then you're on single duty all weekend. That's not sustainable. DH needs to change his hours or you need more nanny help, perhaps a full-time nanny.

Firstly as everyone else has already said you are absolutely NOT a shitty mum!

It sounds like you need support in learning more about Autism and neurodivergence so that you can best support your son in ways that honour his differently-wired brain, and also make your own life easier. The crux of this is:

• Accepting that you have an Autistic child who’s needs are completely different to any non-Autistic or neurotypical person.
• Understanding his unique set of needs (sensory, communication, social, emotion regulation etc) and then doing all you can to meet (NOT change or eradicate) those needs.
• Advocating for him to ensure his needs are met as much as possible.
• Adjusting your own expectations of him and learning to parent him in a way that creates an environment that works for you and him (sod societal standards and traditions - find what works for you).
• He will always play, eat, socialise and sleep differently to non-Autistic people. That is OK! He is not a broken neurotypical child, he is a whole wonderful neurodivergent child!
• Behaviour is communication: he is doing what he’s doing for a reason, always. The trick is to give him alternative ways to meet his needs if he’s using ways that are dangerous, disruptive or harmful (rather than just trying to eradicate the behaviour through making him “mask”, and shutting down lines of communication)

I highly recommend the following Autistic-led resources to really get into the nuts and bolts of what his life experience is and how you can work with him to thrive:

reframingautism.org.au/about-autism/

And this is a fantastic place with child-friendly explanations of Autism to help the whole family understand and support your Autistic son: pandasonline.org/

Awesome video to watch with him:

I can promise you that once you have a really deep understanding of your son’s Autistic profile you will all feel calmer and more in control! I say this as mum of a late diagnosed Autistic son (13) who is now thriving, and another son (10) with ADHD who’s needs we are still working hard to understand but we’re getting there!

Be kind to yourself- it IS hard work! But it will get easier with time, practice and learning!

My 4yo is like this- I was dreading strike days
Then I remembered some advice an eggs worker gave me:
give him something heavy to carry or go for a walk or both

Sounds like you’re exhausted. Can you get some help? Your nanny for Saturdays, a family member, a babysitter?

You work full time Monday to Friday and have two pre-schoolers - one with SN - at the weekend. That would exhaust anyone.

Is a cleaner an option? Just when you mention that the housework isn’t where you want it to be- that would maybe free up a few hours for the park/softplay and burn the kids energy off a little?

I also recognise a lot of what you're saying. It's the easier second child that really shows how hard the first one was. Unfortunately my first got much better at 4.5 with school then, just as I was congratulating myself on being such a good mum, the second discovered his wild side at nearly 3.

Some of it is the kids personalities and ages but some of it will be you too. I was working full time in a stressful job and was so frazzled I just didn't have the emotional energy to be properly patient at the weekend. I had to work out what I needed (alone time) and make changes to be better able to cope with them. When I did I saw a massive difference - I was calmer and more patient which helped keep us all a bit calmer.

What worked was:
Therapy to understand why they behaved that way and get me emotionally back to a normal level. Hopefully you've not gone that far yet!
Switching to compressed hours. I had no me time as the weekend so I needed it during the week. The difference having one day a week where I could just do a food shop, see friends, and sit in a coffee shop with a book by myself was unbelievable.
Doing some calls on a headset going for a walk. The fresh air and headspace helps with that capacity at home.
Found friends with similar kids. We just chuck the kids in the soft play together and there's another adult there so you can do things like ask them to watch the kids when you need a wee. They understand when they're being a pain.

Eventually we also changed things so my husband was home more predictably. This made the biggest difference but obviously is the nuclear option.

Can’t fix the second video link, but do click through to YouTube to view it as it’s brilliant!

Lots of good feed back on here you’ve got to pick out the bits that appeal to you and your style of doing things. Like a pp said think how you would handle certain situations at work but adapt it into family life? For example I work with the horses when a horse is getting distressed it comes very easy and natural to me to calm the animal down with my voice, energy , using love and kindness. When my 3 yo DS has a tantrum I feel really overwhelmed unsure what to do. I know my child is not a horse! 🤣 but I try to stay as calm as I would if I was at work being paid to care for someone’s pride and joy.
I mentally really struggled with motherhood to the point of needing therapy, still a working progress but things are mostly amazing now. I needed to become more in the moment to deal with things effectively my anxiety would take over and I would spiral.

My DS loves imaginary play (I feel ridiculous but am getting a bit more committed!) and hide a seek all in the house no props needed just our imagination. Even just hiding under a throw we pretend we’re hiding from different things. He loves it I’m just hoping the younger sibling will takeover from me soon!
Also I don’t think your bad mum, asking for help makes you a great mum.

Who is voting yanbu?!?!? I would think if you put a hidden camera in people’s homes most of them do every single thing you list (not me, I’m perfect- joking!!) First off I don’t know how you do ft- I did for a year an had to cut down. Second there’s loads of threads you can fall into on here that will help you get things more organised if it’s cleaning/chore stuff. Thirdly give yourself a break and try to figure out what you can enjoy doing together (I’m afraid I don’t know what specific games are good if eg your kids are sensitive to loud noises- eg I used to put rice in a container or let them hit pots and pans, we used to play with play dough or finger paint but they all have sensory issues so it depends) On the teeth brushing you might or might not know there are toothbrushes for sensitive teeth/gums/people with autism and fun brushing teeth songs online. Huge hugs op, and give yourself a break xxx

Is your older child getting professional support like OT? May help come up with ideas to support him, because goodness you have a LOT to deal with, it sounds full on all the time. A shit mum wouldnt worry about being a shit mum
Re the food, is it a control thing knowing what is in the house? Or is he actually eating the stuff he takes to his room? Or he likes to count things and its currently food?

I think this is a ‘having to cope alone every weekend’ issue rather than ‘shit mum’ issue. You say you have a lot of childcare but that’s not strictly true, is it? You personally don’t benefit from any childcare.

You’re at work all week, then on solo parenting duty every weekend. It is in fact much harder to switch to solo parenting if you’re not with them all week so it’s no wonder you’re exhausted and feel rather defeated.

Why does your DH have them in the week but work weekends? Is that financially driven, or could you afford to go to a more conventional childcare all week & 2x FT working parents Mon-Fri? Or is it because of the nature of your DH’s work needing to be at weekends?

Ignore the stickers and art activities and any of that gubbins. Seriously. No one ever got a parenting award for crafting, you literally do not need to do it if it’s not enjoyable and they’re at preschool and with a nanny in the week.

Oh yeah this kind of toothbrush might help: https://www.amazon.co.uk/QIRG-Ultrasonic-Toothbrush-Rechargeable-Adjustable/dp/B095KVS7CX/ref=ascdff_B095KVS7CX/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=570372119018&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11787908103575401514&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007284&hvtargid=pla-1435733592208&psc=1

He may turn out to be a world leading chef! I'd encourage that / start training him up (as an example, the world's youngest professional pianist is 5 I think).

The people who champion their professions later in life often start with a strong enthusiasm for it as a young child.

Haven’t read the full thread but OP you’re being too hard on yourself. The fact that you’re questioning if you’re a bad mum means that you’re not!
I know what you mean about your older one not wanting to do anything. I have a 3yo who is similarly not really interested in things and you just can’t force them to paint or do a puzzle.

please be kinder to yourself 💐

No, you are just a mum navigating shitty waters.

That sounds tough OP. I have three kids and definitely struggle to do things alone with them, I think that's pretty normal.

Firstly, things can change whenever you want. If you're feeling uneasy about screen time, then whenever you're ready you can reduce it.

Likewise with discipline. They're young, you can still enforce new boundaries.

The first think I would do is change your working patterns. It clearly isn't working. You're shattered and you never get support from each other with the kids, both of you are forced to parent alone which is hard and lonely.

Can you find a more local job? Can your husband find a job that doesn't involve weekend work?

Stop beating yourself up and start having a serious think about how you and your husband can prioritise the family, especially while the kids are young. It will get easier.

How does being loaded as a kid make make a mum a good parent???? 🤔

Can you think of yourself as the expedition leader? Physically tired kids tend to be a bit easier.

What about activities? Do they work?

Swimming pool? I used to take them in the big pool near the steps. I'd tread water for an hour while they'd jump in get themselves to the steps and off again.

Walks in the country. Little stream to stamp in with wellies. Sticks to pick up?

Sword fights with foam sticks?

Beach walks to look for shells, treasure whatever?

joining the shitty mum club. Also work full time - in fact I went back full time as I couldn’t handle toddler and just 4yo (who I strongly suspect has my ADHD) on my own on Fridays. Just could. Not. Do it.

Was feeling quite bitter today about people who have super easy children and thus have NO concept of what it’s like with a high energy ND kid. I could parent my youngest with both hands tied behind my back - piece of cake.

My eldest loves screeching and doing ‘funny’ (screechy, high pitched) voices...