AIBU: I am so annoyed by my kids' unwarranted detention?

[SueDomym]

Hi people, I hope this message finds you well.
I have moved for one new year to rural France and I are taking one year of school here. They are 11+12yr old boys who have not hit puberty in any way yet. One still sleeps with a giant teddy... to say they are lovely kids - context I think, is relevant here.
My eldest was given detention on the first week of school for the 'destruction of property'. Apparently, someone had ripped some sellotape around a broken ping-pong table. So DS was given a detention. I asked my son, but he said he had done nothing. I spoke with the principal and he said that there was at least one person who had seen him doing this, a student. It was a detention and there was no more talking about it. I accepted but explained that I felt it was unfair in my son's first week of school in a place where he doesn't speak the language. I also said I believed my son.
5 months later I innocently asked two kids at the school if they knew what happened - they both told me it was the boy who did rip the selotape who blamed my kid to not get into trouble and that the principal had punished him once he found out. I had not been told this and my son was not apologised to which I felt would have been fair.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, a note was sent home with a stamped signature from the school principal. It said: Your sons were climbing a school fence and will receive one hour's detention.
So, I asked my boys about it and they said that during the long 1.5-hour break they were hanging off a grill-fence. A 'surveillante' was watching them, she said nothing and walked away.
The day after that I get an official letter with the artices of the law this punishment was under: one hour's detention for climbing on the school fence. And that the youngest son can remember to be better behaved towards his community in future. I ask my boys again, politely to see ifthey will tell the truth. They know I better with the truth than not, getting caught out for lying is worse in my opinion. Also they other boy who was with them also has his parents writing back saying they did no harm to any school equipment and would have got down had they simply been asked.
I believe my boys and want to know how to contest this decision when the boys had not been given a verbal warning first.
So, I call the school and I happen to get one of the people who watched the boys climb the wall. I asked why they didn't simply ask them to get down. She replied that there were two adults watching them. I asked if the other person had asked the boys to get down, and she replied "well they should just know". Basically, I argued with her asking why they couldn't have spoken to the boys.

She asked if I wanted to speak to her boss and I said no. I said I would like to speak to a parent-teacher representative. She told me she couldn't give out their phone numbers. She also told me if I wasn't happy with the school to take them out of this one. She finished with "I wish you a very good day" and I replied " I don't believe you.". It felt like a nasty argument.

I had some time this morning so I looked up the school rules: they have to start with a verbal warning. Detention is once parents have been spoken with.

I also spoke to two other people about this and they said that this isn't worth fighting because this is the way it is and I will not get them to back down.

I spoke with an official mediator and she said not to bother with this. If I kick up a fuss over this small punishment I will bring down the whole establishment on the boys heads - my complaints will make them suffer. Can you imagine?

Am I unreasonable in thinking that this is unfair behaviour by the school? It's a little, rural school. Everyone knows each other. I have a mobile phone. They could easily speak with me.
AIBU for expecting better communication first for such a minor offence?

Or am I just being unrealistic about the world today? (Be kind if you think so - but honest!).

I just wish I had a way of feeling less alone. I showed the letter from the school to 2 friends and they both said they have never seen a letter with a paragraph of law articles on it explaining how this detention was official. I mean.. really.

I wrote to their class teacher and the HR manager - I had no reply today.

Thanks for listening if you got this far.

Personal detail redacted by MNHQ

[MeinKraft]

Listen to what everyone is telling you and just stop. It's really not that terrible a punishment and they have to learn how they're expected to behave.

[Eyerollcentral]

Fgs this is over nothing. Tell your sons not to hang off the fence.

[Chickenly]

Most countries don’t allow parents to dictate acceptable behaviour in schools because there are too many parents who seem to think their precious little darling wouldn’t ever do anything wrong and, even if they did, they shouldn’t be disciplined anyway. It’s how those countries try to avoid the major teacher shortage we’re seeing in the UK.

Your teddy bear snuggling little angel shouldn’t have been doing what he was doing and got a minor disciplinary response. Stop teaching your child to try and get out of consequences for their actions on a technicality - it’s a rod for your own back when they turn that tactic back on your parenting decisions and you’re failing to teach them any worthwhile lesson about respect. This isn’t a court of law and you’re not Mr Loophole.

[WandaWonder]

You are putting way too much thought into this

Tell your kids to behave and move on

[Dacadactyl]

YABVU. Tell your kids to suck up the detention. Back the school. You are being way over the top about a detention!

[Youvebeenseeingsos]

You’re going to be seen as “that parent” and your boys will be thought badly of.
let it go.

[SueDomym]

But is punishment the only way to learn? Can the teacher not simply have asked them to get down? I mean, it seems disproportionate. Why all the official letters and messages? For something so small... Did you climb stuff as a kid sometimes on break, outside? I know my friends and I did. If we were asked to get down we did. End of story, no problem.
You know?
I will have to get over it I think...
Thanks for answering.

[Eyerollcentral]

@SueDomym

But is punishment the only way to learn? Can the teacher not simply have asked them to get down? I mean, it seems disproportionate. Why all the official letters and messages? For something so small... Did you climb stuff as a kid sometimes on break, outside? I know my friends and I did. If we were asked to get down we did. End of story, no problem.
You know?
I will have to get over it I think...
Thanks for answering.

Were your children even upset about this? If so they need a bit more resilience. Seems like you are more annoyed about it. This is really nothing in the scheme of things. Support the school. They obvs sent the letter to be clear about the reasons for the punishment.

[StepHigh]

Where are you from originally OP? I think living abroad it’s tempting to blame everything on the system - “this stupid French school!”- whereas at home you would say, “that’s life”.

[SueDomym]

If every time a kid did something this minor they were put in detention the school would be a detention centre.

[SueDomym]

I am British / French but my kids have only been schooled in the Czech Republic, where it is illegal to put children in detention. Kids are generally well-behaved there and there is no bullying where they go to school. Again, a rural school and a bigger one.

[JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg]

Rules were broken. Discipline has been doled out. I see no problem with this. You need to get your kids to realise that life doesn't always go the way they want.

[Eyerollcentral]

@SueDomym

If every time a kid did something this minor they were put in detention the school would be a detention centre.

Maybe most of the children just know the rules and know they will be punished if they break them so don’t break them 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[Chickenly]

But is punishment the only way to learn?
No, of course not. Just like how they're learning from you right now that they can do whatever the fuck they like because mummy will tell the school off for thinking the rules apply to them. If you don't like your children being disciplined for breaking rules then home school them.

[MeinKraft]

@SueDomym

If every time a kid did something this minor they were put in detention the school would be a detention centre.

Well clearly it isn't so maybe the kids just know not to climb fences and so on because they won't get away with it. You're not doing them any favours fighting this.

[SueDomym]

Fair enough. I am not in disagreement.
I guess IABU... I just cannot comprehend why they didn't just ask them to get down and explain why to see if that worked first before dolling out punishment with no explanation to them at all. Thanks for replying.

[Chickenly]

@SueDomym

Fair enough. I am not in disagreement.
I guess IABU... I just cannot comprehend why they didn't just ask them to get down and explain why to see if that worked first before dolling out punishment with no explanation to them at all. Thanks for replying.

Because a child of that age knows full well not to climb on school fences if they've been raised decently and with appropriate boundaries up until that point.

[Eyerollcentral]

@SueDomym

Fair enough. I am not in disagreement.
I guess IABU... I just cannot comprehend why they didn't just ask them to get down and explain why to see if that worked first before dolling out punishment with no explanation to them at all. Thanks for replying.

Did they think they were allowed to hang off a wire fence? No child of 11 would think they were allowed to do that. The school obviously assumes that your children know not to do that so an explanation isn’t required.

[Nameofthegamechanger]

Your children aren't angels. They need discipline, sometimes that involves a consequence to their actions

I'm cringing for you, don't be 'that' parent.

[DinnerThyme]

They are 11+12yr old boys who have not hit puberty in any way yet. One still sleeps with a giant teddy... to say they are lovely kids - context I think, is relevant here.
This alone tells us you're being unreasonable.

[SueDomym]

Maybe I am just not seeing hanging onto a fence as a terrible and obviously punishable offence. I had genuinely never considered that. I mean have you never hung on a fence before as a kid? I mean that as an actual question...if you would be so kind as to reply.

[WatermelonFlamingo]

I'm with you, OP. The school seems controlling and unpleasant.
Really can't believe the responses you're getting.
Sorry you and they are dealing with this.

[Hellocatshome]

Yes I have climbed fences as a child but not at school or within sight of an adult as it is not good behaviour and I knew if caught I would be told off or punished.

Do your children not know that climbing fences is unacceptable behaviour?

[Hawkins003]

@SueDomym

Maybe I am just not seeing hanging onto a fence as a terrible and obviously punishable offence. I had genuinely never considered that. I mean have you never hung on a fence before as a kid? I mean that as an actual question...if you would be so kind as to reply.

But may be the school thinks today fence, then escalation

[Eyerollcentral]

@SueDomym

Maybe I am just not seeing hanging onto a fence as a terrible and obviously punishable offence. I had genuinely never considered that. I mean have you never hung on a fence before as a kid? I mean that as an actual question...if you would be so kind as to reply.

The school does though. It’s against the school rules. And by 11 I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, because it wrecks the fence. I find it incredible you don’t understand your children should have basic respect for property and that they will be punished if they don’t.