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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said he wished I'd die

89 replies

LovesaHoliday · 17/03/2023 18:51

My DH and I have been having a rough time recently and a couple of weeks ago he told me he wished I would die. I was obviously very shocked at this and left the room and when we discussed it the next day he said it was the panic that if I left and tried to take his money or our DC that he would rather that I was dead. He did say he felt guilty for saying it and that he wanted to jump in front of a train so I calmed the situation down but I said we had a lot to work on if we wanted to stay together. Since then he's been really antagonist and pulling me up on my faults, saying I'm selfish and having lots of little digs. AIBU to think that he should be making an effort to actually fix things rather than trying to make things worse?

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 17/03/2023 19:00

I wouldn't want to fix anything with a person that wished me dead.

ReallyReallyRealThings · 17/03/2023 19:00

I don’t see how I could get past that tbh, especially as he’s now adding in the little digs. Those are not the actions of a loving spouse.

Poppyblush · 17/03/2023 19:01

He’d like to see the mother of his kids dead?? Wtf! That’s it for me, I’d get rid.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/03/2023 19:02

I would think the relationship is over and I would be making a note of what he said to someone else.
I'd be getting my ducks in a row tbh, sorry.
Also how lovely his first reason for that though was taking HIS money and then the children, bloody typical.

Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 19:03

What’s worse than wishing you were dead? And he would rather you were dead because he doesn’t want you to take the kids or his money. He panicked because he felt guilty for admitting it, not because he didn’t mean it. So it’s clear that he doesn’t want to be with you, he just doesn’t want you to take his kids or money. This relationship is a waste of time at this point, and expecting him to be trying to make it better when he’s been very clear is unrealistic OP.

Precipice · 17/03/2023 19:04

He doesn't love you and his attitude to you is dangerous. I don't think there's anything in this relationship to rescue.

fortifiedwithtea · 17/03/2023 19:04

Christ! He said what? If you were my daughter, I’d be urging you to make an escape plan.

Sistanotcista · 17/03/2023 19:04

“he said it was the panic that if I left and tried to take his money or our DC”

Interesting that the money came before the kids in his concerns. And, as others have said, why stay with someone who wishes you dead? That’s awful. You deserve so much better.

floatyclouds · 17/03/2023 19:05

This is actually quite scary. I'd make sure I told people he'd said that to me and perhaps log it somewhere official.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/03/2023 19:05

It'd be over. He's abusive and the thinking of jumping in front of a train comment is really manipulative.
My self respect wouldn't let me tolerate his behaviour or comments, so I'd check out rather than waste my time working on a pointless relationship.

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 17/03/2023 19:06

My ex was like this, i offered to escort him to the railway station, He was such a knob, I left him and no, he didn't do anything. He found another mug three weeks later to sponge off.

Velvetbee · 17/03/2023 19:07

Just end it, there is nothing to salvage here. Think how you’ll feel when you’re not treading on eggshells constantly.

Fansandblankets · 17/03/2023 19:08

That’s not fixable. Disgusting thing to say and then to throw in a bit of emotional manipulation saying he’d throw himself in front of a train? What an arsehole.

Fansandblankets · 17/03/2023 19:09

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 17/03/2023 19:06

My ex was like this, i offered to escort him to the railway station, He was such a knob, I left him and no, he didn't do anything. He found another mug three weeks later to sponge off.

Best answer. I’d be the same. I can’t stand people who threaten things like that.

Hartlebury · 17/03/2023 19:09

🚩🚩🚩🚩

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2023 19:10

Jesus H. That’s heavy shit, OP.
I couldn’t have the kids around someone talking that way. Your death. His train jump. That’s terrifying talk. 😰

Choconut · 17/03/2023 19:13

He doesn't sound very stable to me and you're going to really struggle to have a healthy and functional relationship with some who isn't stable. Time to move on IMO.

Drinkinggreentea · 17/03/2023 19:15

I've thought this about only one person in my life (he was abusive) but I would never have said aloud to him that I'd be happier if he died. It's just not the sort of thing you should ever say because it's so terrible to think it. If he said it, it's because he absolutely thinks it sometimes. It's time to leave this relationship. It's a sign he's truly unhappy and to be honest it sounds like you are too.

FiddleLeaf · 17/03/2023 19:15

How does he fix this? He sounds awful.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/03/2023 19:15

He then tried to manipulate you into backing down by talking about walking in front of a train, stopping you being the victim and making him the one wronged/to be worried about.

Fucked up.

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 19:20

It's over, OP. There's no fixing this. He doesn't want to.

Cantrushart · 17/03/2023 19:20

Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 19:03

What’s worse than wishing you were dead? And he would rather you were dead because he doesn’t want you to take the kids or his money. He panicked because he felt guilty for admitting it, not because he didn’t mean it. So it’s clear that he doesn’t want to be with you, he just doesn’t want you to take his kids or money. This relationship is a waste of time at this point, and expecting him to be trying to make it better when he’s been very clear is unrealistic OP.

Exactly. He doesn't want to be with you at all, but he's terrified of losing his money and kids.

StJulian2023 · 17/03/2023 19:20

My son has said he wishes I was dead rather than his dad. He’s 13, neurodiverse, grieving for his father. I can take it, and I believe I should. He doesn’t mean it and is so so sorry every time he loses it and says hateful things, which is quite a lot at the moment.

But no, I don’t think you should take this from your DH.

Original poster
LovesaHoliday · 17/03/2023 19:21

Thank you all for your comments and it's pretty much how I felt at the time but he tried to make me feel like I was being unreasonable and that I was taking it too seriously. I've gone back to work full time this week which will give me a bit more freedom with extra money coming in so I can look at getting my own place to rent until we sort the house, childcare and all the other things

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/03/2023 19:24

Wishing you well for a happy, settled future. 💐