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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He said he wished I'd die

89 replies

LovesaHoliday · 17/03/2023 18:51

My DH and I have been having a rough time recently and a couple of weeks ago he told me he wished I would die. I was obviously very shocked at this and left the room and when we discussed it the next day he said it was the panic that if I left and tried to take his money or our DC that he would rather that I was dead. He did say he felt guilty for saying it and that he wanted to jump in front of a train so I calmed the situation down but I said we had a lot to work on if we wanted to stay together. Since then he's been really antagonist and pulling me up on my faults, saying I'm selfish and having lots of little digs. AIBU to think that he should be making an effort to actually fix things rather than trying to make things worse?

OP posts:

Aphrathestorm · 17/03/2023 20:17

You aren't safe. Report this to the police! You need it on record.

Cocobutt · 17/03/2023 20:18

he said it was the panic that if I left and tried to take his money or our DC that he would rather that I was dead.

Have you ever threatened to take away his children from him?

If not then this relationship is obviously not working as you would not say that to someone who you claim to love.

Original poster

LovesaHoliday · 17/03/2023 20:20

@kittensinthekitchen Ah sorry, that one was on behalf of my sister, I'd name changed it for her but hadn't realised I'd not swapped it back 🙈
I posted about this issue a couple of weeks ago on my profile, not sure if this link will work...
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4754240-whats-a-normal-amount-of-shouting?page=6&reply=124378918

OP posts:

AlwaysGinPlease · 17/03/2023 20:21

@GoodChat nearly on the money!

Snugglemonkey · 17/03/2023 20:23

Duckingella · 17/03/2023 19:28

I'd be genuinely worried about how far he'd be willing to take the statement about you being dead before he'd let you take his money or the kids.

I'd take that as a threat;you need to speak to women's aid and log the threat with the police.If you can book a appointment with a solicitor regarding your legal rights ASAP.

I wouldn't be looking to continue this relationship and you need to start making plans to either leave or remove him from the house if possible.

Definitely these things. You are at risk op, please take it seriously and protect yourself.

pettysquabbles · 17/03/2023 20:24

This doesn't sound like it's recoverable to me.

custardbear · 17/03/2023 20:27

Eeerrrr 😳

Thoughtful2355 · 17/03/2023 20:36

I definitely couldnt be with someone who had wished me dead

YesSirMam · 17/03/2023 20:51

wow! So he says something so disgusting then emotionally blackmails you. Run Op

Iloveenidblyton · 17/03/2023 20:55

The danger here is that he’s not worried you will leave him first.
He basically want to break up with you but doesn’t want to incur the cost of divorce so he wants you out of the way.

Thats why he’s not making an effort to save the relationship.
Quite chilling actually.

Definitely get this logged officially.
I’d call women’s aid asap.

tara66 · 17/03/2023 20:55

How much worse can it get - unless it becomes physical? LTB.

DarkShade · 17/03/2023 20:57

it was the panic that if I left and tried to take his money or our DC that he would rather that I was dead

The thing that really got me was that he would rather you be dead that try and take his money. This shows you everything you need to know. First, he doesn't really consider you a family. Second, he's rather you not exist than him be worse off financially. And this is something he said calmly in the clear light of day, as a justification for saying it to you. Fuck him OP, leave this man. Like others have said, do not stick around to find out whether he means it.

It seems impossible now, but one day you will wake up in a nice calm house surrounded only by people who are ecstatic that you are alive and there with them, even if it's just a little family of you and DC.

Iamworthit · 17/03/2023 20:58

TomatoSandwiches · 17/03/2023 19:02

I would think the relationship is over and I would be making a note of what he said to someone else.
I'd be getting my ducks in a row tbh, sorry.
Also how lovely his first reason for that though was taking HIS money and then the children, bloody typical.

OP please speak to the Dr's about what he's said and get them to write it down on your notes. I've literally just left an emotionally abusive and gaslighting man. He did a runner with the kids the day after I left and me and the kids are going through hell all because his ego is hurt. I knew my ex could be awful to me but I never expected him to hurt and use the children in this way to get back at me. You need to be wise and careful and get things in place before you go.

AcornGreen · 17/03/2023 20:59

Has he got any support with his suicidal thoughts?

Fragrantandfoolish · 17/03/2023 21:00

does he have mental health issues? It’s all very dramatic isn’t it. He wants you dead, he will jump in front of a train. It’s very concerning when children are involved.

I can only consider he’s very unwell. Would he be willing to seek help?

i think when death is such a focus for him I’d be taking my children and leaving.

pollykitty · 17/03/2023 21:01

I dunno, I’ve felt that way before
in the middle of a huge argument with DH. Probably said it too. My DH never holds these emotional statements against me when we make up. He’s not wishing you dead really. It’s more like the thought of splitting up and the emotional aspects and not seeing his DC etc etc is just too much.

premicrois · 17/03/2023 21:02

AIBU to think that he should be making an effort to actually fix things rather than trying to make things worse?

Why do you want to be with him??

pollykitty · 17/03/2023 21:05

O you’re having an affair??!!!!! Piece of work. DH can say what he wants.

LexMitior · 17/03/2023 21:06

I would take it seriously actually- in wishing you dead regarding money and the kids, and threatening suicide, that's a big threat to you.

It's a clear sign that you need to think about divorce.

TwoMonthsOff · 17/03/2023 21:06

Money is sadly, a classic Motive. I agree with a PP you need to report this to your family
It sounds like you’re in danger and I am not being over dramatic. Your really cannot be too careful
He’s disgusting and you need to cut ties now

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 17/03/2023 21:08

Justmuddlingalong · 17/03/2023 19:05

It'd be over. He's abusive and the thinking of jumping in front of a train comment is really manipulative.
My self respect wouldn't let me tolerate his behaviour or comments, so I'd check out rather than waste my time working on a pointless relationship.

This!!

Shortbread49 · 17/03/2023 21:12

My mother wished me dead when I was 11 it never occurred to her that there was anything wrong with what she had said either

TwoMonthsOff · 17/03/2023 21:14

genuine BS about the train too.

DarkShade · 17/03/2023 21:15

Also I see from your other thread that you're in a shouty relationship. Life's too short OP.

BigGreen · 17/03/2023 21:26

A year from now you'll look back on today; imagine sitting in your own place, enjoying the peace and not having to share space with such a despicable human.

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