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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DSCs mum a Mother's Day card and gift?

80 replies

whattodomothersday · 17/03/2023 18:25

Posting for traffic.

14 year old stepchild. Had a lot of trouble from their mum the last 6 months to the point my DH had a breakdown. DSC has come this weekend (going home tomorrow night instead of Sunday dinner time to spend Mother's Day with mum). Hasn't bought her a card or anything. Earns own money via chores but admitted today spent it all on sweets last weekend.

Do I give DSC £10 and send her down to Sainsbury's to get a card and some flowers or chocolates to take tomorrow night?

I've not asked DH as I know he will say no after what's happened, and would say DSC is old enough now not to have to be reminded to get something.

I don't get on with mum. We got on fine until she found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) then cut me off completely. I'm not OW or anything like that.

Want to do what's right. Help please.

OP posts:
ModerationInEverything · 17/03/2023 18:27

YANBU
Teenagers can be very self centred. I think it's a nice thing to do.

Mummynew08 · 17/03/2023 18:28

You don't have to give him a whole tenner - I'm sure if he writes a nice message in a card that'll do

Catonthehearth · 17/03/2023 18:29

Go high. Give her the money for card and flowers chocs make sure that's what it's spent on Grin

Mummynew08 · 17/03/2023 18:29

*her i mean

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/03/2023 18:29

YANBU - that is a very kind thing to do. Both for your DSC and her mum. 14 is an awkward age, and a little bit of gentle nudging to do the right thing is totally normal.

ShapesAndNumbers · 17/03/2023 18:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Snowontheblow · 17/03/2023 18:30

Your positive behaviour will be a good lesson for the sdc, I would do it

dancebob1980 · 17/03/2023 18:31

DH comes first, so can't go behind their back to please their ex. Talk to them.

If they agree, think it's a nice thing to do, especially if lack of card will cause problems for DSC and/or ramp up the antagonism towards you.

Alternatively, offer to lend DSC money or let them earn it doing chores etc, so they can buy the card if they want. Maybe a more neutral way of doing it.

BevMarsh · 17/03/2023 18:31

I'd offer a £5 for a card and couple of quid bar of chocolate.
I'd begrudge the tenner considering all the distress she's caused my husband.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2023 18:31

Absolutely not. A 14 year old is plenty old enough to buy something if they want to. They didn’t so it’s not your place to interfere.

This woman gave your husband a breakdown and you want to buy her a fucking present?!

Mad. And so disloyal to your husband.

aSofaNearYou · 17/03/2023 18:32

I wouldn't personally. Partly because I think your DH is right that she's old enough to have not prioritised sweets over her mum and she should learn that lesson the hard way now she's done it.

Partly because of the background of how much damage she's done to your DH.

And partly because I'd respect your DH's decision for his child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2023 18:32

Catonthehearth · 17/03/2023 18:29

Go high. Give her the money for card and flowers chocs make sure that's what it's spent on Grin

Going high can easily be mistaken for being a complete mug.

DevantMaJardin · 17/03/2023 18:34

I wouldn't. She will know who it came from. You don't know how she feels about Mother's Day, she might not want a card from you even if the teenager signs it himself.

BettyOBarley · 17/03/2023 18:34

I would go with whatever your DH wants to do.

MrsJackGrealish · 17/03/2023 18:37

Not if her behaviour was so bad it gave your DH a breakdown.

No way.

Joey2412 · 17/03/2023 18:40

You are lovely OP

Snowontheblow · 17/03/2023 18:44

Surely you are doing it for the 14 year old's benefit, more than the mum?

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2023 18:48

whattodomothersday · 17/03/2023 18:25

Posting for traffic.

14 year old stepchild. Had a lot of trouble from their mum the last 6 months to the point my DH had a breakdown. DSC has come this weekend (going home tomorrow night instead of Sunday dinner time to spend Mother's Day with mum). Hasn't bought her a card or anything. Earns own money via chores but admitted today spent it all on sweets last weekend.

Do I give DSC £10 and send her down to Sainsbury's to get a card and some flowers or chocolates to take tomorrow night?

I've not asked DH as I know he will say no after what's happened, and would say DSC is old enough now not to have to be reminded to get something.

I don't get on with mum. We got on fine until she found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) then cut me off completely. I'm not OW or anything like that.

Want to do what's right. Help please.

I would. For his sake rather than hers.

Otherwise he's not going to have a very nice day on Sunday.

And remind him that as he earns, he can buy cards out of his own money in future

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 17/03/2023 18:48

whattodomothersday · 17/03/2023 18:25

Posting for traffic.

14 year old stepchild. Had a lot of trouble from their mum the last 6 months to the point my DH had a breakdown. DSC has come this weekend (going home tomorrow night instead of Sunday dinner time to spend Mother's Day with mum). Hasn't bought her a card or anything. Earns own money via chores but admitted today spent it all on sweets last weekend.

Do I give DSC £10 and send her down to Sainsbury's to get a card and some flowers or chocolates to take tomorrow night?

I've not asked DH as I know he will say no after what's happened, and would say DSC is old enough now not to have to be reminded to get something.

I don't get on with mum. We got on fine until she found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) then cut me off completely. I'm not OW or anything like that.

Want to do what's right. Help please.

I wouldn't. If you want to be a cunt to people then you don't get nice things.

Redglitter · 17/03/2023 18:49

If her behaviour caused a breakdown for your husband there's not a chance in hell I'd be spending a single penny on her.

Wallywobbles · 17/03/2023 18:50

Can you find them a job to do for €10?

Doingmybest12 · 17/03/2023 18:51

Do you give sd pocket money ? I would ask her if she'd like to buy her mum something and give her an advance if so or another way to engineer it so it is her decision not yours or your husbands.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/03/2023 18:51

I would give him the tenner if you can afford to do so.

You aren't doing it for her, you are doing it for him.

namechange3394 · 17/03/2023 18:54

Can you find a way for them to earn extra money and/or give them an advance?

I wouldn't "give them £10 to spend on something for DM" but I'd facilitate it if they wanted to get her something and were regretting having spent all their money.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/03/2023 18:54

It's more for dsc benefit that the dms , I'd find a couple of jobs for her to do and pay her £5/6, I'd suggest she buys something for mothers day with it, but ultimately up to her.
Does no one remind or encourages teens about particular dates or gives them occasional extra money for these things? I know I have and I'm sure most people do, I don't think the issues between dm and dh are relevant here.