To get DSCs mum a Mother's Day card and gift?

[whattodomothersday]

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14 year old stepchild. Had a lot of trouble from their mum the last 6 months to the point my DH had a breakdown. DSC has come this weekend (going home tomorrow night instead of Sunday dinner time to spend Mother's Day with mum). Hasn't bought her a card or anything. Earns own money via chores but admitted today spent it all on sweets last weekend.

Do I give DSC £10 and send her down to Sainsbury's to get a card and some flowers or chocolates to take tomorrow night?

I've not asked DH as I know he will say no after what's happened, and would say DSC is old enough now not to have to be reminded to get something.

I don't get on with mum. We got on fine until she found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) then cut me off completely. I'm not OW or anything like that.

Want to do what's right. Help please.

If you have the ingredients in the house OP could DSC do some baking? You could always drop a hint that way without expressly telling them.

It's a nice thought but honestly I don't think it's worth going behind your DHs back for. He has made it clear how he feels about it (and doesn't seem unreasonable) and if I were him I'd be furious if you went ahead and did it anyway.

No I wouldn’t give money but I’d encourage them to make her a card or write her a letter

I agree, go high. It's a kind thing to do

If this is DSD attitude then I’d say just leave it and don’t get involved.

It would be different if she was wanting to get something for her mum and was asking for help to buy something. But she isn’t. So it’s just be a gift from you essentially. What’s the point in that.

Yes exactly. I see it as you helping out your step child, not helping the ex. I think it's a lovely thing to do. ,

A letter is a nice idea if she says a card is babyish

Without the breakdown bit I’d say yes that’s lovely! But no she doesnt deserve it

I would. She doesn't deserve your consideration, but just because she's acted poorly doesn't mean you have to. And you're doing it more for the child, than the mother. She'll remember that you did, and it doesn't have to be public ally discussed.

Nope, don’t do it. I used to do this for DSC’s mum….nice gifts and cards from the kids for Mother’s Day…..and then she turned out to be psycho bitch from hell. She made my DH’s life an absolute misery.

So now I wouldn’t give her the dirt off my shoe to be honest.

If the child's father doesn't want to because of his ex's behaviour towards him then you shouldn't. She may then realise how badly she's behaved that even her own child can't be bothered with her.

£10 is too much in the circumstances. Chat about being more thoughtful. £1 bunch of Daffs or similar and a cheap card factory card. Does the job but makes the point too.

DS is 14 and buys his own Mother's and Father's day stuff. Birthdays we help out.

I think this is more about DSD’s feelings rather than the mum. As in how will DSD feel
if she hasn’t got something for her mum on Mothers Day.

I get that mum has been difficult but this is about a child and her feelings.

For what it’s worth, if you think your step daughter would feel bad (or be made to feel bad) by not getting a gift - then do it,
if she’s not bothered then don’t get involved.

You sound like an amazing step mum OP.

If my DH gave my DC money to buy something for fathers day, despite my XH's terrible behaviour, I'd be really upset. There's a time for stepparents to 'take the high road', but this isn't one of them. It completely undermines the distress felt by the OP's DH.

I did this last year for my child’s dads ex (whom has two children with) and it made her the happiest person as it was all she got. I haven’t done it this year because she ran to our abusive childrens father and told him. But I felt she deserved the recognition cause it was so hard and my newborn was 3 months old. He also has an older child and I have lost all respect for her so absolutely I would not. I guess it depends how good the child is aswell as the mum and if she is a bitter ex or not as i would do it to someone geniunely nice and easy but not otherwise

Thanks all. I've had a good think, and due to recent events with DH and his ex, I think it's best I stay out of it.

Really appreciate the advice x

I think we should take mum and mum’s actions/attitude/feelings etc out of the equation. You’re clearly a lovely step mum who cares about her step-daughter’s feelings.

How would your step-daughter feel if she got a gift for her mum V how would your step-daughter feel is she didn’t.

She (ex) may have been difficult, but she’s still your SD’s mum.

Absolutely 100% this.

I think that's often best tbh

The concept - to do the right thing for DSD and her mother - is laudable.

But…. as this woman has driven your husband to a breakdown then you should absolutely respect his wishes. You’ve reminded DSD and that’s enough in this situation.

No. Definitely stay out of it. It won't be appreciated by anyone and your motives will be questioned.

Don’t blame you! Good luck OP!

Jill/Amber/Justin were awful. I really felt for Javier & the 2 without sleeping bags.
But one person I feel is flying under the criticism radar is Paul on team Charlie. He was a piece of work too- just less blatant about it.

Sorry about this. Wrong thread. Must have had 2 tabs open.