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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DSCs mum a Mother's Day card and gift?

80 replies

whattodomothersday · 17/03/2023 18:25

Posting for traffic.

14 year old stepchild. Had a lot of trouble from their mum the last 6 months to the point my DH had a breakdown. DSC has come this weekend (going home tomorrow night instead of Sunday dinner time to spend Mother's Day with mum). Hasn't bought her a card or anything. Earns own money via chores but admitted today spent it all on sweets last weekend.

Do I give DSC £10 and send her down to Sainsbury's to get a card and some flowers or chocolates to take tomorrow night?

I've not asked DH as I know he will say no after what's happened, and would say DSC is old enough now not to have to be reminded to get something.

I don't get on with mum. We got on fine until she found out I was pregnant (3 years ago) then cut me off completely. I'm not OW or anything like that.

Want to do what's right. Help please.

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 17/03/2023 18:55

Well I think it’s a lovely thought ad a very nice thing to do, maybe not £10 just a couple of quid for a card a bunch of daffs, £3 max.

darjeelingrose · 17/03/2023 18:55

I wouldn't. If the DSC asked, then I probably would give the money, if the idea came from them.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/03/2023 18:58

It’s a nice thing to do and won’t take much effort so I would.

Laurdo · 17/03/2023 19:13

I'd give her money for a card at the most. I was buying mother's day gifts etc with my own money since I was about 10. If she had her own money and chose to spend it on herself then that's her choice but I wouldn't bail her out and allow her to look like the doting daughter when in actual fact she's not given her mother a 2nd thought. It's a lovely thought on your part but it'll only encourage her to continue being thoughtless and selfish knowing someone else will pick up her slack. 14 is old enough to know and do better.

Original poster
whattodomothersday · 17/03/2023 19:13

I floated the idea to DH. His response was "you're not being serious are you? Need I remind you what she did to us?".

I did remind DSC last weekend about it. I also asked her today when she came home from school. She said she spent her money last weekend. I suggested she makes a card if she spent all her money and she said "that's babyish.. I'll just text her a nice picture instead"

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/03/2023 19:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2023 18:32

Going high can easily be mistaken for being a complete mug.

Show quote history

Who cares? My opinion is that the view from the high road is better. So I take the high road. If other people think that makes me a "complete mug" then so be it. They don't have to live with me, I do.

Lachimolala · 17/03/2023 19:18

I would go with whatever my husband wanted to do, I would likely remind DSC that it’s Mother’s Day and it might be nice to get mum a card from their pocket money.

When I was a step mum I used to buy their mum a card and have them write on it, but only a card for less than £1 and only if their dad okayed it.

Lachimolala · 17/03/2023 19:20

Sorry just seen your update, in that case no I wouldn’t have given them a penny and just let them send the text. I would apologise to your husband and not do it again. I get why you did it but I just couldn’t be that disloyal to someone I love. I imagine he’ll feel quite hurt by this even though it’s objectively a nice thing to do.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 17/03/2023 19:22

You sound lovely and thoughtful OP. Personally I’d give her a few quid for a Mothers Day gift.

Alargeoneplease89 · 17/03/2023 19:25

I think it's a lovely thing to do ... being the bigger person and showing your DSC how to be kind.

NewNameNigel · 17/03/2023 19:26

aSofaNearYou · 17/03/2023 18:32

I wouldn't personally. Partly because I think your DH is right that she's old enough to have not prioritised sweets over her mum and she should learn that lesson the hard way now she's done it.

Partly because of the background of how much damage she's done to your DH.

And partly because I'd respect your DH's decision for his child.

I 100% agree with this.

CurlewKate · 17/03/2023 19:29

Do it. You're modelling good behaviour for your step child and that's always a good thing.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 17/03/2023 19:29

Alargeoneplease89 · 17/03/2023 19:25

I think it's a lovely thing to do ... being the bigger person and showing your DSC how to be kind.

This.

NewNameNigel · 17/03/2023 19:31

Alargeoneplease89 · 17/03/2023 19:25

I think it's a lovely thing to do ... being the bigger person and showing your DSC how to be kind.

I would agree if the husband agreed to it but I'd be livid if dp went behind my back with any family member, let alone my child!

whatwhhat · 17/03/2023 19:31

Does your dsc act tu ally want to get her something? I would engineer jobs to earn some cash but if the child is purposely choosing not to get her something then I wouldn't. If she's given your dh a breakdown, the child might not be a big fan of her either

whatyoulookingfor · 17/03/2023 19:31

I've just sent my son £10 so he can buy his step mum a present. I'd do it. It's not for the mum it's for the child.

FourFour · 17/03/2023 19:44

I wouldn't, she sounds like a nasty person and deserves nothing. You are a mug for doing this.

holachicas · 17/03/2023 19:46

If DH approves, loan DSC the money to be paid back.

Daffs are 95p a bunch in Aldi

holachicas · 17/03/2023 19:47

Meant to say, more as a lesson to DSC than for her benefit…might also help keep her on an even keel

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 19:47

It sounds like SD can't even be arsed to bother.

I think if she'd have asked I'd say to give her the money, but as she clearly doesn't care, and it would upset DH, dont.

It's a lovely thought though OP.

Aftjbtibg · 17/03/2023 19:48

My DSD has a very tricky relationship with her mum; we gave her money to get a card and if she’d asked we’d have given money for a present but she didn’t and I didn’t push it.

Largeflaskoftea · 17/03/2023 19:49

After your last update I wouldn’t do anything. Your DSD doesn’t seem too bothered by it either.

Gymnopedie · 17/03/2023 19:50

Absolutely keep out of it. Your DH's feelings are much more important here than either the mum's or the DSC's. However good your intentions it would be hugely disloyal to DH.

Largeflaskoftea · 17/03/2023 19:51

Yes, lovely thought though OP.

neonjumper · 17/03/2023 19:56

No absolutely not . Your circumstances are not run of the mill ... the treatment by her led to your DH having a breakdown .

Your DH has already made very clear to you his feelings on this ... you stay out of this , do not undermine his feelings about this .

He needs for you to follow his lead ... you will seriously damage your relationship with DH if you against his feelings .

14 years is old enough to sort something out themselves ... let them get on with it .

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