Page 5 | 10 year old hysterical because I’m trying to date

Florida606 · 2023-03-14T21:08:03+00:00

My 10 year old daughter gets really distressed at the idea of me having a boyfriend. She looks through my phone and asks who’s that whenever someone calls me. I’ve been single for 10 years and would like to meet someone but my daughter is making this impossible for me. I’m at a loss at what to do. Any advice ? AIBU not to bother dating.

PylaSheight · 15/03/2023 07:21

Zola1 · 14/03/2023 21:29

😂😂😂 honestly wondered the same...upheaval of adjusting to a lower income, blown up her life? Ok boomer

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Please quit the "OK boomer" insult @Zola1 😠🙄

Anyway, @Florida606 as others have suggested, do not allow your child to go through your phone. Also, what is she "hysterical" about exactly, do you know? If not, ask her, then talk through her concerns. But ultimately, you are the parent and you call the shots not her

KeeperSweeper · 15/03/2023 07:25

HedgehogB · 14/03/2023 23:49

This is true but as adults it’s up to us to make the big decisions, not them. Children who are allowed too much input get over stressed and cannot cope with the responsibility. She just feels unsafe , and part of feeling safer will ironically involve her realising it’s not her job nor her problem. This sounds like a child who has been given too much adult status. It’s not good for them.

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I agree with this. Too much exposure to adult things. She doesn't need to be worrying about or getting involved in this. If you had a long-term relationship which started to get serious, then would be the time to gently prepare her if e.g. you wanted to move in together. There is no benefit to involving her in the ups and downs of early dating. It won't help either of you. I would say do put boundaries in place about phone and personal life. It's not about being secretive, but more just about letting her be a kid nad not worry about things beyond her years/emotional capacity.

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 15/03/2023 07:29

*…..hysterical…
Why the heck is she hysterical? And why on earth are you allowing a 1p year old to go through your phone?
For goodness sake set some boundaries and be the parent; she shouldn’t be involved in your romantic life.

Yoyo2021 · 15/03/2023 07:44

I’m shocked by some of the replies - she is only a ten year old - a little girl and all she has known is you and her!

My child is the same age.

I personally won’t entertain dating until my child is a bit older because of the potential disruption it will cause however it something happens and I do end up meeting someone I will keep this separate and without my child knowing!

Jhun · 15/03/2023 07:45

She may be anxious about a “rival” - she’s had you to herself a long time. Talk to her about it and try and reassure her but also let her know you’re an adult and she isn’t and this is ok

MeinKraft · 15/03/2023 07:51

'This is absolutely bonkers. The op is nowhere near moving a stranger into their home 😵‍💫'

The point is the child doesn't know that does she? She'll be imagining all sorts hence the reaction. And in any case, it wouldn't be unheard of for a parent to meet someone new, get pregnant and move them in within a matter of weeks. You see it all the time on here.

Lovemusic33 · 15/03/2023 07:53

Yoyo2021 · 15/03/2023 07:44

I’m shocked by some of the replies - she is only a ten year old - a little girl and all she has known is you and her!

My child is the same age.

I personally won’t entertain dating until my child is a bit older because of the potential disruption it will cause however it something happens and I do end up meeting someone I will keep this separate and without my child knowing!

I agree with this 😬, I have been single for 8 years, I do date but I keep it totally separate from my dc (teens), they don’t know who or when I am dating and I tend to do it when they are at their dads which is sadly only one day a week. They are now older teens and things are getting a bit easier but I would not bring a man to the house whilst they are here unless it got really serious. I don’t intend to be in a serious relationship until they have left home.

Your DD is 10, she’s only ever known it as you and her and an all female household? Introducing a man to her life is pretty scary for her and it would need to be done very slowly. Don’t tell her your dating, lock your phone and keep your private life private from her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/03/2023 08:07

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:50

@Florida606

OP this is a bigger deal for your kid than you imagine.
First of you’ve ended her original family for whatever reason, so she doesn’t have a father (I presume) now you’re talking about bringing men into her life (which is what she likely sees dating leading to - and she’s probably correct that is where it will lead). Like it or not that’s a big deal for most kids.

Everyone is acting like a Mum going on dates with men isn’t a big deal but the reality is it is. Not having both parents is a big deal. Mum having other men aside from the child’s father is a big deal. This is the reality no matter how badly women who have divorced and enjoy dating want it to be otherwise.

Those saying “well my 9 year old isn’t troubled by all the me I date” are thinking very wishfully. I know this goes against current wisdom but what’s best for the kids isn’t always Mum doing whatever the hell she wants.

Oh dear, this is why a typical family setup works best for children no matter what divorcing parents like to believe.

@BottleSizedJenny

women still deserve to have a life even when they’ve had kids you know

op wants to date so she should.

you crack on op!

mdh2020 · 15/03/2023 08:08

Put a PIN number on your phone and explain to your daughter that she is 10 and you are an adult. Apart from anything else, in a few short years she will be off with her own social life and won’t care at all what you are doing. Be a grown up.

Robinbuildsbears · 15/03/2023 08:22

So many of these replies have the same energy as that one scene in Matilda, when Mr Wormwood tells her "I'm smart, you're dumb, I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."

misskatamari · 15/03/2023 08:24

Oh gosh, this is hard!

I was an only child to a single mum (widowed), and I think I was about this age or a little older when this type of thing emerged as an issue. I’m sure you’ll get many posters being harsh about your daughter, but honestly, I remember so well how anxious and terrified the thought of my mum dating made me. My whole life it has just been me and her (and I had enough separation anxiety anyway, as I always feared something would happen to her and I would be left all alone). So potential dating obviously just fed those fears.

you’re not being unreasonable to date, but your daughter will be feeling a lot of big, scary feelings, which will be very hard for her to deal with (and won’t be necessarily rational to our adult eyes). I don’t have much advice besides handing this really slowly and sensitively, giving her lots of love and reassurance. And also lots of compassion for how she might be feeling dealing with something that has the potential (in her mind at least) to rock her safe and stable reality.

misskatamari · 15/03/2023 08:26

Ugh when you then go and read the thread and all your fears are confirmed about the replies lots of people will give. Please ignore any of the “it’s not of her business” bullshit. God, where has empathy and compassion gone these days! Can people really not make the tiny leap to put themselves in a scared child’s shoes! Ffs

Comedycook · 15/03/2023 08:30

I don't understand why your DD is even discussing this with you. I'm not a single mum but if I was and wanted to date, I wouldn't tell me DC and if I did organise a date, I wouldn't tell them...I'd say, "mum is going out with a friends tonight so X will be looking after you while I'm out".

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 15/03/2023 08:59

The tail is wagging the dog here.

Put some healthy parental boundaries in place and allow your child the privilege and pleasure of being a child who doesn't have to worry about adult issues.

Zola1 · 15/03/2023 11:24

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:45

@Zola1

The reality is it’s not really “normal for Mums to go on dates” (with other men apart from the child’s father) to children.
Sure the Mum who has broken up with her husband may enjoy it, but from the child’s point of view it’s a huge deal.

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Wow, I don't know what sort of planet you live on. Maybe one with picket fences and 2.4 children. Stop with the judgemental attitude. Plenty of parents have new partners- do you think that they just appear as ready made step parents?
The reality is that half of marriages end in divorce. Do you think that half of parents remain single and never date?

TrinaLowsln · 15/03/2023 13:33

Robinbuildsbears · 15/03/2023 08:22

So many of these replies have the same energy as that one scene in Matilda, when Mr Wormwood tells her "I'm smart, you're dumb, I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Agreed. Pretty shocking really.

ZoeCM · 15/03/2023 13:34

Singularity82 · 14/03/2023 23:59

This is absolutely bonkers. The op is nowhere near moving a stranger into their home 😵‍💫

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No, but it'll most likely be on the horizon if the OP forms a serious relationship.

ZoeCM · 15/03/2023 13:46

Liorae · 15/03/2023 06:37

Really? I don't think feminism was about protecting little girls, it was, quite right, about protecting grown women.

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As far as I'm aware, feminists were the ones who helped bring the issue of child sexual abuse into public awareness in the 80s. (I may be remembering that incorrectly, so please correct me if I'm wrong.)

QuertyGirl · 15/03/2023 13:56

Don't think the OP is coming back

ZoeCM · 15/03/2023 14:11

In less than a year, there have been several high-profile court cases in the UK involving a stepfather accused of murdering his stepchild: Logan Mwangi, Sebastian Kalinowski, Nadia Zofia Kalinowska, Lola James. And it's not been long since the Arthur Labinjo-Jones and Star Hobson cases (although they were killed by their stepmothers, not stepfathers). And look at the number of people (especially women) who were abused by their stepfathers as children.

Yes, biological parents abuse and kill their children as well, but the fact is that moving a unrelated adult (particularly a man) into a child's house is risky. I can't think of any other risk to children's safety that society is so determined to downplay.

Original poster

Florida606 · 15/03/2023 20:32

Thanks for responses.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 18/03/2023 16:55

I don’t see why people are making out like the results of dating will be a bad thing. Plenty of single parents meet a new partner that ends up being a positive role model in their DCs lives. It’s not all doom and gloom.