10 year old hysterical because I’m trying to date

[Florida606]

My 10 year old daughter gets really distressed at the idea of me having a boyfriend. She looks through my phone and asks who’s that whenever someone calls me. I’ve been single for 10 years and would like to meet someone but my daughter is making this impossible for me. I’m at a loss at what to do. Any advice ? AIBU not to bother dating.

I don't think your daughter's opinion matters.
If you want to date someone it's your business.
She's a child.

I agree with this. You need to look at what she is scared about.

I would wonder what she is scared of? Does she think her home life will change?

It does matter though because the next logical step after dating is a massive and unwanted disruption to her home life.

It sounds like she needs reassurance. Have you asked her what she is worried about? Is she frightened that strange men will be coming into her home? Is she worried about her own safety or your safety? It is an unknown situation for her. She may have heard of negative situations (has she seen threads on mumsnet?). Is she worried someone else will take precedence in your life and leave her feeling left out?

Just saying kids do not decide if their parents date is not good enough. That is true, but it is also totally ignoring her needs and what may be going on.
Were you in a bad relationship with her dad and she thinks that is what all relationships are like and that is what will happen again?
Is a friend at school saying that if you get another man you won't be bothered with her any more?
There are a hundred reasons why she may be getting hysterical, but just telling her it is none of her business as some on here suggest is not going to make her fears and big feelings go away.

She just doesn't want you to meet somebody else as her whole life will change. But she shouldn't be looking through your phone. It will be difficult for her at the agd of 10 to accept the fact that you are dating if you haven't in all those years. But you deserve to have a life and she shouldn't be allowed to stop you.

You need to put the boundaries in place whereby she understands other people's phones (and so on) are private and make it so she can no longer access it. She is old enough at 10 to understand this and also old enough to understand that she would not want her own privacy invaded.

At the same time she obviously needs reassurance and the concept of you spending time with other adults to be framed as something that is positive and a need that you have, as an adult that has nothing to do with how much you love her or your lives together. She will always be a priority as your child even if you meet a new partner but that doesn't mean that you sacrifice all happiness rather than working on her gaining that understanding and building up talks about why it worries her and how she can be reassured.

Boundaries only work so far. Her getting hysterical means there are real fears there.

You’re the parent, she’s the child. She’s not your friend. Stop her looking at the phone and parent her: it’s really none of her business.

I don't blame her for being hysterical. One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child (particularly a girl) is to get a stepfather. Harsh but true. Kids may not know the statistics, but they instinctively know that it's a risky situation. If an adult woman felt uncomfortable about an unrelated man moving into her house, no one would blame her. But when children express their discomfort or fear, they're accused of being spoilt or controlling. It's insane.

It’s ridiculous to let her go through your phone. No wonder she thinks she has the right to dictate your personal life!
Parent-up, for god’s sake.

Its not true it is none of her business. It could totally change her life.

This

This is true but as adults it’s up to us to make the big decisions, not them. Children who are allowed too much input get over stressed and cannot cope with the responsibility. She just feels unsafe , and part of feeling safer will ironically involve her realising it’s not her job nor her problem. This sounds like a child who has been given too much adult status. It’s not good for them.

This is absolutely bonkers. The op is nowhere near moving a stranger into their home 😵‍💫

It sounds like you might be talking to potential dates when she’s around?

If so, this may be about not giving her attention and also the way we talk to people we fancy is quite distinctive, and kids can pick up on that. So if so, I would still date but keep texting and calls for when she is at school or when she’s fast asleep for a while. It is difficult for her. That way you could gradually get her used to the idea but in a more gradual way. Fear of the unknown can be worse than reality, for her.

Yes there does sound like there is something underlying this to be honest. I’d take her hysteria seriously. Doesn’t mean never date, but you are triggering off some real fear here from your DD, time for a different approach. It’s also strange for a 10 year old to be looking at a phone, how has this come about?

Why on earth are you allowing her access to your phone?! You need to put a stop to that.

Work out why she is so worried about you having a new partner, and talk her through that. Explain to her that she will move on and have her own life and that you would like to be happy in a relationship too, but that she will for ever be your first priority.

At 10, she has no clue about the adult world - or even that a caring partner in your life might actually be a good thing for her too. You really need to separate your private life from your mummy life.

Exactly. Of course children see our phones (plenty of families have one phone between them as the only computer available, for a start) or overhear conversations. This is normal.
It's more likely to cause OP's daughter further anxiety if the phone is suddenly out of bounds.

Of course it would help to reinforce boundaries in time, but for now I'd focus on finding out what's upsetting her and finding ways to reassure her.

If you daughter must have your phone then put the messages in archived or find another way so she can’t access anything you don’t want her to. I think if you can it would be better to stop access to your phone.

Talk to her. Reassure her. Find out exactly what she’s worried about.

But the OP says she has been single for the last 10 years. So why, after all that time, would she now be suddenly about to behave in the way you suggest?

i think you need to find out what she is fearing

her reaction os very emotional is it just you and your daughter ? Is she close to anyone else has someone left/walked away/died and she fear being abandoned

yes you should put a lock on your phone and do not discuss dating with her she doesn’t need to know but have conversations about how you are there for her nothing is changing

Not being the centre of the universe I suspect.

The clue to hear fears is probably in the lives of her friends at school.

New partners, new homes, new babies, new familial hierarchy.

I agree with others, based on experience, too much responsibility for decision making or having too great an understanding of adult issues is as bad, if not worse, as being the child of a helicopter parent intent on babying offspring into adulthood.