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AIBU?

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Original poster

10 year old hysterical because I’m trying to date

122 replies

Florida606 · 14/03/2023 21:08

My 10 year old daughter gets really distressed at the idea of me having a boyfriend. She looks through my phone and asks who’s that whenever someone calls me. I’ve been single for 10 years and would like to meet someone but my daughter is making this impossible for me. I’m at a loss at what to do. Any advice ? AIBU not to bother dating.

OP posts:
BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:45

Zola1 · 14/03/2023 21:28

Practice saying 'I am an adult and I can zpend time with whoever I choose. You are 10, you are not allowed to go through my phone. If I was ever going to bring a man into your life, I would tell you, but it is very normal for Mums to go on dates and have a nice time'.
However you could also just tell her you're out with friends. Get a lock on your phone. Find out what her worry is (is it that you won't love her as much or something, has one of her friends mum's got a new boyfriend who the friend hates?)

@Zola1

The reality is it’s not really “normal for Mums to go on dates” (with other men apart from the child’s father) to children.
Sure the Mum who has broken up with her husband may enjoy it, but from the child’s point of view it’s a huge deal.

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:50

@Florida606

OP this is a bigger deal for your kid than you imagine.
First of you’ve ended her original family for whatever reason, so she doesn’t have a father (I presume) now you’re talking about bringing men into her life (which is what she likely sees dating leading to - and she’s probably correct that is where it will lead). Like it or not that’s a big deal for most kids.

Everyone is acting like a Mum going on dates with men isn’t a big deal but the reality is it is. Not having both parents is a big deal. Mum having other men aside from the child’s father is a big deal. This is the reality no matter how badly women who have divorced and enjoy dating want it to be otherwise.

Those saying “well my 9 year old isn’t troubled by all the me I date” are thinking very wishfully. I know this goes against current wisdom but what’s best for the kids isn’t always Mum doing whatever the hell she wants.

Oh dear, this is why a typical family setup works best for children no matter what divorcing parents like to believe.

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:53

ZoeCM · 14/03/2023 23:20

I don't blame her for being hysterical. One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child (particularly a girl) is to get a stepfather. Harsh but true. Kids may not know the statistics, but they instinctively know that it's a risky situation. If an adult woman felt uncomfortable about an unrelated man moving into her house, no one would blame her. But when children express their discomfort or fear, they're accused of being spoilt or controlling. It's insane.

@ZoeCM

Exactly. Everyone expects children to be fine with first not having a father and then some random men their Mum fancies moving into their house - and despite what is said children are gonna instinctively see a grown man with their mother as being in a father type role as who else would love with Mum in a child’s mind?

NumberTheory · 15/03/2023 04:17

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:53

@ZoeCM

Exactly. Everyone expects children to be fine with first not having a father and then some random men their Mum fancies moving into their house - and despite what is said children are gonna instinctively see a grown man with their mother as being in a father type role as who else would love with Mum in a child’s mind?

Show quote history

I don’t think this is true at all. Dating doesn’t have to lead to partners moving in. I think mothers can set the scene for their children and don’t have to present lovers as any sort of a parent substitute if they are consistent, in words and actions, about the role they play.

My mother dated when I was a kid and I didn’t see any of the boyfriends she introduced us to as father figures. She was explicit that they were just friends of hers. They were never given authority over us. They were never given responsibility for us. They were adults, some boring, some pretty cool, who my mum went out with and sometimes came for a family dinner or as a guest to a party or the like.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 15/03/2023 04:30

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 02:50

@Florida606

OP this is a bigger deal for your kid than you imagine.
First of you’ve ended her original family for whatever reason, so she doesn’t have a father (I presume) now you’re talking about bringing men into her life (which is what she likely sees dating leading to - and she’s probably correct that is where it will lead). Like it or not that’s a big deal for most kids.

Everyone is acting like a Mum going on dates with men isn’t a big deal but the reality is it is. Not having both parents is a big deal. Mum having other men aside from the child’s father is a big deal. This is the reality no matter how badly women who have divorced and enjoy dating want it to be otherwise.

Those saying “well my 9 year old isn’t troubled by all the me I date” are thinking very wishfully. I know this goes against current wisdom but what’s best for the kids isn’t always Mum doing whatever the hell she wants.

Oh dear, this is why a typical family setup works best for children no matter what divorcing parents like to believe.

That's some excellent pearl clutching with a healthy dose of single mother hatred. In fact your whole post is rooted in smug married superiority with no basis in either knowledge or experience. Let me guess, you're Christian too? Unfortunately you failed to read the OP properly and notice that she has a 10yo DD and has been single for 10 years, so all your assumptions are off base.

Coffeetree · 15/03/2023 05:03

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 14/03/2023 21:10

Stop letting your 10 year old go through your phone and question you!

don't discuss dating with her. It's none on her business. I've dated on and off for years, one guy for 12 months. My ten year old DD didn't even know he existed. Obviously that's harder if she lives with you 100% of the time, but if not, then do your dating when she's not with you and has no clue about it.

Exactly this. Date all you like and no need for her even to know. She's ten!

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 05:14

@Coffeetree

Of course she’s gonna know. Unless she dates exclusively during school hours (so men who have jobs with normal hours are out of the question) she’s gonna know. She’s not 4, she can’t be just be told any bullshit about where Mum goes on Saturday night and why she stays with Gran or whatever.

She will know her Mum is dating and sleeping with men and she’ll know from school that there’s a chance one (or more) of them will end up in her life and possibly in her home.

Coffeetree · 15/03/2023 05:41

Yes, it's impossible for a woman with a child to just go on discreet dates or spend time with a man without sharing every last detail with her daughter.

maybeinanoter86 · 15/03/2023 05:52

Hi op .

I can't really offer you advice but I was like your daughter when I was young and my mother was dating .

I had severe separation anxiety and needed my mother all to my self. The thought of her with a man would kill me I would make myself I'll worrying. I never told her about it tho and would suffer in silence . The only thing I can say is just reassure her that who ever your dating will never come between you both and how much you love her and still will if this man becomes a permanent person in your lives.

I would suggest letting her talk to a councillor. This will likely affect her relationships as she gets older. I have an attachment disorder or should say I did for years until I sought help .

I would need to be in a relationship and would make myself go crazy thinking they were going to leave all the time and would stay in some pretty awful relationships because I was scared of being on my own . Read up about it op and I wish you all the best

SophieJo · 15/03/2023 05:56

You have a right to a life of your choosing.Stop letting her dictate to you and lock your phone.

Robinbuildsbears · 15/03/2023 06:10

Isn't it interesting how feminism used to involve protecting little girls from strange men, and now mostly seems to be based on the idea that women can (and should) sleep around all they like with zero consequences to anyone 🤔

Suzi888 · 15/03/2023 06:17

“😂😂😂 honestly wondered the same...upheaval of adjusting to a lower income, blown up her life? Ok boomer” 🙄

Has MN been infiltrated by bots?

DESERVESLILSLIT · 15/03/2023 06:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/03/2023 06:20

Reported @DESERVESLILSLIT

WonderingWanda · 15/03/2023 06:25

As well as a screen lock you can change your settings so that your messages don't appear on your screen lock. I think in your shoes if going out I would just say meeting friends not mention dates. You of course have a right to a social life but it would seem your dd has some feelings of insecurity going on too. How did it end with her father? Is he in the picture?

Liorae · 15/03/2023 06:37

Robinbuildsbears · 15/03/2023 06:10

Isn't it interesting how feminism used to involve protecting little girls from strange men, and now mostly seems to be based on the idea that women can (and should) sleep around all they like with zero consequences to anyone 🤔

Really? I don't think feminism was about protecting little girls, it was, quite right, about protecting grown women.

NEmama · 15/03/2023 06:42

Do not let her have your phone . You deserve a relationship if you want one

Sunriseinwonderland · 15/03/2023 06:48

I didn't date until DS left home to go to uni. I felt he'd been through enough.

Coffeetree · 15/03/2023 06:49

Althoughthinking of itshe might have got the idea, perhaps from friends, that if you go on a date, then the very next day there will be a random man in your house and you'll be all "This is your new daddy!" (Which frankly does happen so a reasonable fear on her part.)

So it might be worth telling her that you are going to spend time with friends, maybe even male friends, but that she will always be your priority and that you wouldn't dream of disrupting her life any further.

Coffeetree · 15/03/2023 06:52

Sunriseinwonderland · 15/03/2023 06:48

I didn't date until DS left home to go to uni. I felt he'd been through enough.

You didn't feel you could date/have a relationship without disrupting your son's life? Genuine question, not being goady. You couldn't meet someone outside your home and maintain a relationship that way?

TrinaLowsln · 15/03/2023 07:03

I find this a difficult one because I was your daughter and I understand how she feels. I didn't like my mum having boyfriends. I found it v hard meeting new people and when they were in the house it didn't feel like my home.

jigsaw234 · 15/03/2023 07:04

What's the background? you see people on here introducing their kids to partners after 3 months dating. Has she met loads of boyfriends before?

notthisagainforest · 15/03/2023 07:10

Your 10 year old should not be touching your 10. Establish some boundaries. You are the parent not her. You are entitled to a private life. In a few years she will out and you will be sat on your own. Be confident

notthisagainforest · 15/03/2023 07:10

Phone !

QuertyGirl · 15/03/2023 07:18

Why does she know about it?

Put a passcode on your phone