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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old hysterical because I’m trying to date

122 replies

Florida606 · 14/03/2023 21:08

My 10 year old daughter gets really distressed at the idea of me having a boyfriend. She looks through my phone and asks who’s that whenever someone calls me. I’ve been single for 10 years and would like to meet someone but my daughter is making this impossible for me. I’m at a loss at what to do. Any advice ? AIBU not to bother dating.

OP posts:
Notmyyearthisyear · 14/03/2023 21:33

The child is hysterical because she is feeling insecure and scared to an extent she cannot control. Reactions are not always proportionate to triggers. There’s likely underlying issues beyond the fact that mum doesn’t have a pin on her phone. Seriously. Not everything can be fixed with putting a boundary in place, Mumsnet

Antst · 14/03/2023 21:34

This reply has been deleted

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19lottie82 · 14/03/2023 21:37

No, you should NOT be focusing on
your dating life and bringing strange men into the home when you have
a 10 year-old. Good grief.

Oh get a grip! Where has the OP mentioned bringing strange men into the home?

OP is entitled to a private life, is she expected to live like a nun until her DD is an adult?

CascaChan · 14/03/2023 21:42

@Antst I actually agree with a lot of what you say but your message has been lost in the very aggressive nature of your first post.
Now the thread will be derailed by everyone piling on you. If that was your aim though, enjoy I guess?

MeinKraft · 14/03/2023 21:42

You aren't doing any favours letting her rule the roost, it'll make her feel anxious that she has to be the adult and in control. Don't let her go through your phone. Reassure her that you won't be bringing anyone else to live in her home (can't blame her for being hysterical at the thought of that if that's what's worrying her tbh)

Antst · 14/03/2023 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TrishM80 · 14/03/2023 21:51

Depends on the circumstances. Dating is fine. But we all know some women bring home a different "boyfriend" every week, in which case it's a little bit her business, no?! Maybe she's worried about that possibility?

Snugglemonkey · 14/03/2023 21:52

Flowersintheattic57 · 14/03/2023 21:16

Talk to your daughter and then listen to your daughter. Buy the book ‘how to talk so kids will listen’.
Do not tell your ten year old child your adult business.
Make your phone private.
Your child is not the boss.

This! Parent. Make her feel secure. Do not get guilt tripped for living.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 21:53

It's absolute fucking madness that you allow your 10 year old child to look through your phone and dictate your private life. Take control and actually parent your child.

Autumndays22 · 14/03/2023 21:55

TrishM80 · 14/03/2023 21:51

Depends on the circumstances. Dating is fine. But we all know some women bring home a different "boyfriend" every week, in which case it's a little bit her business, no?! Maybe she's worried about that possibility?

Nope, none of her business. Judgemental and presumptive

NumberTheory · 14/03/2023 21:55

I think there's a lot going on here.

It sounds like she's pretty insecure at the moment. At 10 there's a lot going on in her life. The end of primary/start of secondary is stressful and she and all her friends will be starting puberty, hormones racing, their bodies changing and their minds beginning to mature. A lot of change and new stuff to process. Friendships often change around this time too. And there may be other things specific to your life that are hard for her to adjust to.

So you probably need to spend sometime focusing on making her feel supported, loved and capable. Build her resilience and self reliance and her sense of belonging at home.

I agree that you need boundaries too - she shouldn't have free access to your phone. You are allowed some privacy (and she's getting to an age where she also needs to have a degree of privacy). And it's not really appropriate to be discussing your love life with her (though I also don't think it's a good idea to pretend you don't have one).

Take things slowly and keep it out of the house for now. Reassure her after you've been on a date by making sure you have time with just her too. And don't just go out on dates - go out with friends without her, or to a hobby, or whatever. Don't give her the idea that the only thing that you have outside your life with her is a boyfriend.

And take her out places too. Make sure she sees that you need and have a full social life and that that doesn't mean your relationship with her needs to be any less.

Autumndays22 · 14/03/2023 21:59

Autumndays22 · 14/03/2023 21:55

Nope, none of her business. Judgemental and presumptive

Show quote history

Oh sorry, I thought you were referring to the previous poster who has got my back up. Yes of course Mum dating is a little bit her daughter’s business. In my opinion, a good opportunity to role model the benefits of having a fulfilling life with positive and supportive relationships.

Singularity82 · 14/03/2023 22:00

Jesus Christ! You don’t need her permission! How dare she go through your phone?! She needs boundaries ASAP! Tell her in no uncertain terms that it’s NONE of her business and if she invaded your privacy again there will be consequences.
she doesn’t need to know if you’re dating someone until it’s serious enough that you’re considering introducing them.

Timesawastin · 14/03/2023 22:03

Oh fuck OFF with the ageist 'OK boomer' shite

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 14/03/2023 22:04

Notmyyearthisyear · 14/03/2023 21:33

The child is hysterical because she is feeling insecure and scared to an extent she cannot control. Reactions are not always proportionate to triggers. There’s likely underlying issues beyond the fact that mum doesn’t have a pin on her phone. Seriously. Not everything can be fixed with putting a boundary in place, Mumsnet

I'm going to take a guess that if this is a problem the OP needs to turn to MN for, the child is generally lacking in boundaries, which has probably contributed to her feelings of insecurity. No, locking the phone won't immediately solve the problem but a long term strategy to build resilience and restore the parent/child dynamic is needed.

Timesawastin · 14/03/2023 22:09

That was @Zola1

Fraaahnces · 14/03/2023 22:16

Change…Your…Password.

EASY.

HaggisBurger · 14/03/2023 22:17

You are giving her WAAAAY to much power with the lack of boundaries with her.

HaggisBurger · 14/03/2023 22:18

*too

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 14/03/2023 22:22

My eldest is 9 and iv had multiple partners during her life. She just knows them as my friends and thinks nothing of it. Also she has never had access to my phone as its mine not hers and she knows better. You seriously need to realise your the adult here and set boundaries

ClaireStandishsLipstick · 14/03/2023 22:29

If it’s just the two of you then it’s probably easy to end up talking to her about things that ordinarily would be a more adult topic because at 10 she appears older because she’s the older year in school. Your role is to set age appropriate boundaries and letting her go through your phone isn’t good for you or her to normalise it.

Ludo19 · 14/03/2023 22:36

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 21:53

It's absolute fucking madness that you allow your 10 year old child to look through your phone and dictate your private life. Take control and actually parent your child.

This

CMO · 14/03/2023 22:37

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Yoyo2021 · 14/03/2023 22:39

It’s really hard with the boundaries and things.

With the phone issue it’s so easy you can be out and about & they ask to go on your phone for some reason next minute you are being asked lots of questions!

I’m a single parent too! Child is in year 6. I’ve stayed single pretty much the whole ten years too!

So hats off to you going back to the dating world I’ve tried a few times and as far as I have got is downloading a dating app which shortly got released a few days later by myself !

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/03/2023 22:39

Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 21:17

Stop letting her look through your phone. Why does she even no you are trying to date? She’s a child, she doesn’t need to no.

This? Why does she know so much about your adult social life?

Why would you characterize anyone as other than "a friend" ??

Personally if it is upsetting her that much I'd back off. Sounds like she's been through a lot already at her age. But if you're determined, at least keep the details from her.